for anyone who hasn't followed my previous threads, the latest one is here...
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1I haven't posted in a while, so I'll try to update without writing a book.
As I stated last time I was here, I found out my W had made another attempt to contact om. I was trying to decide whether or not I should confront her about it, as I had done 3 times before when I caught her. I felt confronting her wouldnt help, so I chose to not do so in hopes that she wouldnt do it again. Luckily, I'm happy to say she hasnt tried to contact him again.
As far as counselling goes, we've now both been to the counsellor twice, she went alone twice and I went alone twice.
The IC/MC asked us to come together on the third meeting, and told us to write down 3 very specific things that we wanted to see the other change, or work towards making better...
This session, our first one together, was yesterday.
First theing MC wanted was to see our lists.
My list:
#1 - I wanted W to stop trying to convince me to move, and to stop holding the grudge about not moving and stop the guilt trips about it AND her so called "hellish" 7 yrs of marriage.
#2 - I wanted to set 1 day a week for the family to do something together, and 1 day a week where my W and I do something as a couple.
#3 - I wanted my W to be more responsible with money, and stop spoiling our children as much as she does.
Her list:
#1 - she wanted me to be more open minded about moving.
#2 - she wanted me to be more involved with inlaws.
#3 - not sure if she had a 3rd....
Now, first thing the MC did was he pointed out that #1 on bother of our lists were the same subject, just opposite needs.
He asked my W to tell him the reasons she wants to move and why she hates living where we do.
her reasons:
1 - lives to far from mother/sister
2 - she doesnt like the environment
3 - can't make any friends
The counsellor wrote those reasons down, then after a slight pause he looked up at me and said..
"Do you realize that these reasons have nothing to do with you?" I responded "YES"
He then looked at my W and asked her straight out...
"Do you blame your husband directly for your unhappiness?"
my wife ... "Yes, its his job that is keeping us in this town"
MC then asked her if she's done anything to try and fix the 3 problems on her own, she had no response.
he then clarified his point and asked her "If these 3 reasons could somehow be rectified without moving, would that solve this?"
my wife paused, and then answered "yea" with little to no enthusiasm.
he then moved on to #2 on our lists.....
MC asked me to explain what I wanted by #2. I said I wanted to do something like use sunday afternoons to always plan ahead and do something as a family, such as we all go swimming, hockey game, beach in the summer etc...
I also wanted to pick 1 night a week where my wife and I avoid each of our own hobbies and plan to do something as a couple. And if we cant afford or dont want to do something, we simply spend that night together watching tv or something. I said this would do 2 positive things, first off it would force us for the meantime to spend that time together, and it would also take the pressure off our personal hobbies.
He asked what I meant by pressure, and I told him that my wife spends numerous hours every day of the week out with her friends, and I spend numerous hours of my time doing my own hobby, such as playing online.
The MC than asked us to add up the time spent on each,,,
W told MC that she spends 2-3 hrs every weekday, and even more on the weekends out with her friends.
I told the MC I spend 2-4 hours online whenever I can, which normally works out to about 5 nights a week.
So, he added up hers and my time spend on personal hoobies and hers totalled 20-25, mine totalled 15-20.
My wife then interupted and said that she felt it was all good, since I already do play 4 or 5 times a week. I responded by asking her if she feels guilty when she goes out, she said no. I said "then why do you make me feel guilty every time I go downstairs to do my hobby, and again everytime I come upstairs for a break?"
she had no answer.
The MC then asked my W if she would agree to setting the 2 days for a family day and "date night".
My wife told the mc she couldnt agree to that because she can't get her head around the idea of having to schedule family time.
She then went on to say, "If I come home around 8pm after being out for coffee with her firends, why cant we just spontaniously do something?"
Well i nearly laguhed here.
but luckily the MC saw what I did and immediately challenged her...
he said " are these the same friends that you said you can't make earlier?"
She then defended herslef by claimging she doesnt even like her friends, and that they are more of a convenience.
I then told the MC that all I could see out of her statement is the fact that she is saying we should be doing things together when SHE is done with her friends/hobby... and when I would normally start my hobby, I shouldnt because she is there???
MC understood, but we unfortunately were almost out of time and still needed to talk about inlaws.
MC asked me what I felt about being more open minded to inlaws.
I said that it is not right that my wife just invites her family whenever she wants, and Im the last to know. I said its not right that I have no say in the matter, because if I did I would ask that she dont do certain things. One of those things is that I dont want her sister/mom comming to visit for 4 days with her dad comming at the same time (mom and dad are divorced) . Ive always told my wife that its uncomfortable for me to have people stay in my house for days, and/or when I stay at someone elses house for days. And its much much worse when theres a divorced couple.
i even told him that last year we had her sister, her mom, her dad, AND her moms boyfriend here. That to me is veeeery uncomforatble, and she doesnt respect that at all.
MC then turned to W and asked her to comment about what I said.
She said "I can't stand it when my family comes over to visit, and I know deep down that my husband doesnt want them there"
MC again challenged her. He immediately looked at me and asked me if I said I didnt like her family in my house of if I didnt like people in my house... I reassured him that I said "People".
He then asked my w if she realizes that if people in my house makes me uncomforatble, that shouldnt be an insult to her family,,,,, she had no response.
I then interupted and told the MC that I have many times in the past asked my W to tell her family that I DONT have probelms with them, its people in general and being stuck in my own house or someone elses house ...
at anyrate, I overcome this as I know its the right thing to do. BUT, my wife then tried to make me look like I was lying by telling the counsellor that I dont like her dad.
I told them straight out that her dad is a different story, and that she is correct, i dont like her dad.
he ask why,
I said he is stubborn, selfcentered, and before i could continue with more reasons my wife interupted and told the MC that her dad is extremely ignorant.
we then all came to the conclusion that the reasons I dont like her dad are THE EXACT SAME REASONS SHE DOESNT!
I mean she loves her dad ofcourse, but she complains about him all the time and hates the things about him that are the same things that make me dislike him.
For the rest of that day and night, she didnt say a word to me, other than "im going to my friends"
i dont think she liked be challenged, but she walked into it each and every time.
My honest feeling at this point is that she wont be going back to counselling.
I know its bad, real bad, but I felt like giving the MC a "high-five" when he was challenging her. I felt FINALLY, someone else sees how crazy she is and is challenging her on it... and the great thing is she cant react with crap and nonsence like she would if I was the one challenging her.
anyways, doesnt really look good.
oh, and guess whos comming over for the long weekend?
yup, sister, divorced mom and divorced dad. sheesh
