A little history. Wife had EA (She said it never was PA)that lasted at least 6 years. D-Day was 7/30/05. We have been in MC for the last year. It is funny how she only will admit to what I can prove. I discovered love cards that spanned the last 6 years. She said they were just friends!!My problem is that after all of this s**t I just don't care for her or the marriage any more, to much resentment I guess. I don't know if it will ever change. I feel like if she didn't give a sh*t about our marriage and me to have carried on like this for so many years without having any guilt, why should I give a da*n about her.She say's it is over between them, no contact in the last year that I can prove. I just don't know if I can forgive. Anyone else feel this way?

Me!

Same here.

I read so many posts here (I'm an adultress and yours) and wish that I were in your shoes. In the I'm an adultress thread, there are 2 WW's who love their H's and want to make things right by working on their M's. Sounds like your spouse is no longer involved in the EA and may be willing to work on your M. Am I reading that right? If you think that your M is important enough to save (which I firmly believe that it is), then you need to set your resentment aside for now.

Read Surviving an Affair. It will really help you. In the book there is actually a section that talks about dealing with the resentment. The husband who held the resentment put it on the backburner, and found that it took care of itself as the M recovered.

My WW is actively involved in a PA, and has moved out, but I dream of the day when she will come home. This is not about me or you. For me M is much bigger than any person. It is about putting God before our M and in the center of our M. It is about those vows that I took the day I said "I do". When I said "until death do us part", I meant it.

Does this help?

Same thing for me, except I am a BW. WH admited to nothing without my having proof first. This is what causes severe lack of trust....when they do nothing to come forward of their own accord. It tells us that unless we constantly dig for info, we will never know anything. How does one ever trust in a situation such as this? Who wants to constantly be checking records or wondering what they are doing forever? They have shown that if contact were to happen again, they would NOT be the one to let you in on it. Not having the security and safety of trusting, leads to resentment. It is exhausting. It is disheartening to hear that after one year, you are no better off.

I think with her not devulging any info has had a lot to do with it. In her mind she has said that she has told me every thing.Get this one of the cars I found was an anneversary card.dated the year 2002. I asked her(during one of our MC sessions) what kind of anniversary they were celbrating, and her response was she had no idea!!
I think if she would tell the honest truth I could start to recover. But she insist that he was just a good friend and she did not think much of the cards that stated how much he loved her, and wants to spend the rest of his life with her Etc.

Have you read the book I suggested? Are you willing to work on your M? I am going to say some things that may seem gruff, and if I offend you I am sorry. However, I feel like you need to hear them.

There are many things that BS's have to endure. One of them is holding back resentment and anger. I am angry at my WW because of what she is/has done to our family. However, I know that in my heart I can forgive her. My family is more important than my own pain. I get lied to on a daily basis, but let it bounce off of me. Others here do the same thing.

At least you have a fighting chance because the A is over. You need to develop a plan. If you really want to save your M, you must do it. If you have decided that you can't get past your resentment, then maybe it is time for you to move on. The choice is yours!

I agree with what you are saying. As the WW it was so hard for me to say the words. My husband new what I had done. I still couldn't admitt to it. He said to me "How am going to get past something you will not admitt to". I did admitt to it and I am trying to make things right.

I now have to work on trust. I feel like a child again. I can't answere some of his questions even though I want to. I just don't have the answers. He has all the proof there is and he isn't going to find anything else.

It's such a little word but I am so sorry. I wish it had more feeling in it.

Read this old thread, I think it may help you see into the head of a FWS. skm chronicles

lallen, unfortunately, you aren't ever going to recover as long as she withholds the truth from you. As long as she has secrets with the OM to which you are not privy, trust can never be restored. You have a RIGHT to have truthful information about her affair as this is information about your life. As you can see, you are a year and a half beyond D-Day and aren't even recovering. And you never will unless she is truthful. She has no right to withhold the truth from you. I wonder if she is withholding the truth in order to leave a back door into the affair just in case?

What is the counselor doing to fix this problem?

will you print this letter up and hand it to your wife? http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post2739000

And print this up for your "counselor": http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

Are you snooping on her to see if contact has really ended? Do they EVER see each other in any capacity? Is this OM married and does his W know about the affair?

Some answers to some of the questions.
The OM is not married. He lives 100 miles away.
Yes I still snoop (Key logger, Cell phone records,I even went and had a nice little chat with OM last Nov. Made him a promise not a threat!!!
Unless my wife is talking to him from her place of employment, I don't think there has been any contact, but you can never be 100 % sure.
My marriage Counsler does not believe in discussing the affair. He says that it will just poison me so we should work on the present and the future. You can't change the past. He says I need to stop being a detective and start trying to trust my wife. I told him how can I trust my wife when I seen how capable she was of lying and betraying me.
I told him that the snooping I do is used to validate what she has told me. and over the last 10 months I have not turned up anything. She gets frustrated with me when I get in a depressed mood and says that this situation will never get better.
I don't know if it will or not.
But I'm getting to the point that if someone else wpold come along and show me the least little sign of interest I would not hesitate to take advantage of the situation!

Now i understand why you are 1.5 years past D-Day and ARE NOT in recovery and not even close to it. Your counselor is worthless and hasn't a clue what he is doing. I would suggest the proof is in the pudding! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Can I suggest you find a QUALFIED counselor? Yours is a fool who doesn't know anything about adultery. First off, you cannot recover your marriage unless you address the affair. And secondly, you would be insane to trust an untrustworthy person. That would be silly. Trust is not an entitlement, but must be EARNED. It helps no one to afford undeserved trust to an untrustworthy person.

It seems like your counselor does not understand what it will take to recover your marriage. It will take RADICAL HONESTY about her affair.

Might I suggest that you hire a qualified counselor that understands infidelity? Steve Harley from Marriage Builders will address the REAL PROBLEM and will be worth every penny. He won't waste a minute of your time with side shows and nonsense.

fire the counselor

Our d-day was one month before yours and our recovery is going great. Trust is bing rebuilt, wonderful new memories are being made.

I did not get all of the details at first, but over the course of several months, I did.

My counselor closely followed the MB principles and encouraged me to get all of the details that I needed for my healing.

My FWH did not 'want' to tell me a lot at first. He did read Joseph's letter and several letters I wrote him and he came to realize that I did need much more than he had been willing to give.

He was not overjoyed about telling me by any stretch of the imagination. but he did it. That made so much difference to me.

I hope that you can find a counselor that will work with you to help your marriage heal.