Post deleted by WickedGarden

Tim_48,

Sorry you are here, but you have landed in the best place you could have ever found for help with this problem. Welcome!

In answer to your last quesstion, YES there is hope and there is a future. You will have to do most of the heavy lifting at first, but eventually she will come around, want to save the marriage and work with you to build a new, stronger, and better marriage.

Please read the FAQs and other material Dr. Harley ahs provided on this site, order all the books or on CD to listen to together after she has come on board with you to rebuild and you will be on your way. This is a long bumpy road, rides like a rollercoaster (highs and lows), it is a lifelong journey to a better M and a better life.

Dr. Harley's common sense approach and experience is spot on for repairing damaged Ms. I had days where I questioned some of the advice, but it has proven to be the right thing time and again.

You can do this, just remember "Patience is a Virtue" and you want to be very virtuous.

Good luck! You will survive and be a better man for it.

Go to "Just Found Out" after clicking on the main index of the forum and read some of the posts at the top of the list.

You may be surprised to find that most affairs share striking similarities right down to the things said by your cheating spouse to you.

Tim, so sorry you find yourself here. Click on the link in my signature line. Next get the book Surviving An Affair by Willard Harley and His Needs/Her Needs by Harley.

lIKE I STATED IN MY EARLIER POST. Found out about my wifes EA over 1 year ago and I still can't get past the resentment.
MC said I need to forget what happened in the past and build New Good memories. I have not been able to do this

Tim,

Again, you are in the BEST place to work through this.

"" but I am feeling so many conflicting emotions that I am at my ropes end in this relationship.""

Of course you are, this is very normal. It is called the emotional ROLLERCOASTER. Do nothing drastic for the next 3 months..no separation, do divorce, etc.

Going to counseling is VERY GOOD!! Communication is VERY GOOD!!

To start rebuilding, if that is what you both want, there must be NC-No Contact with the OM EVER AGAIN! All the counseling is a waste if she is still seeing him.

Take care of yourself!! Eat right, get enough sleep, no heavy drinking, excercize, and start the Plan A program...again, if a rebuilt/stronger marriage is where you want to be.

Read all you can here in the halls of MB.

""She explained that she was no longer in love with me, but loved me""

Again....very, very normal. Unfortunate, but normal. I would not take everything she says to heart. She could still be in the fog.

Stay strong!

krk

Hey Tim,

Read my signiture.

My husband had an EA with the activities director at his mother's assisted living facility.

My husband also said when I discovered the affair,

He was through before all of this happened. Yada, yada, yada.....

You can't rely on the crap the comes out of the wandering spouses mouth.

They have to rewrite history to make themselves feel better about stabbing their faithful spouse in the back.

Their attitude will change, once you have broken up the affair and withdrawal is complete.

I will be married almost 28 years come January. A year ago, I was in your shoes.

My husband was wanting a divorce, and I discovered his EA with the AD. He said he was through with the marriage and we went to counseling.

A word to the wise. Counseling is useless, until the WS has ended the affair.

I exposed his affair to my children, my family, and the OW's supervisor.

This helped end the affair.

It has been a slow, uphill battle for the past year, but we have made it over the hump.

I have my marriage back, and it is better than pre-EA. We are both much wiser, and realize that it is not good to take each other for granted as well as the vows, til death do us part. "Now are vows are more like, til death do us part or you make a huge mistake and have another affair- then it is definately the big D time.

I do not feel the resentment or anger that the other poster feels.

It is what it is, and you just have to go on from there.

As long as you have hope, your marriage has hope.

Hang in there.


k.d.'s heartbreak

Post deleted by WickedGarden

Tim, if you want to save your marriage, you are going to make some major decisions here. First off, this will never work if you continue to travel. That has only CREATED this situation where she feels so emotionally detached that she can have an affair. The detachment will not be resolved until you change jobs and are home every night. Traveling is just ASKING for trouble in a marriage, AS YOU CAN SEE!

Secondly, she has no call to end her affair. Who is going to stop her? You aren't doing anything to stop it so she doesn't need to stop it. If you want to save your marriage, you have STOP THE AFFAIR. The way you stop the affair is by exposing it and dismantling the computer. In order to expose the affair, you have to find out what she is doing. Perhaps put some spyware on her computer and have the reports emailed daily to you.


You might not need to know each and every detail of her affair, but of course you need to know about past affairs! You are her husband and need to know this. Any affairs are facts about your life to which you must know. If this information is withheld then it prevents the real intimacy and honesty that is required to make a marriage successful.

Your wife will need to leave ehr job and find another one. There should be no further contact with the OM at all. She should send him a letter stating there is no contact.

If you find out the affair is not over, you should expose to their superiors.

As Mel said, you should change jobs as well.

Did you affair happen while you were traveling?

You really need to read up on radical honesty. Do you seriously believe that an unconfessed affair did not lead to some disharmony in your marriage. Even if she didn't know there had to be some reprecussions in your relationship.