I so agree with you! And don't forget to add that this is a LDR.

Truly, what is the rush? Why not treasure the fact that you have met a wonderful person to share life with---right now. That in and of itself is such a blessing! I once read it takes a MINIMUM of 6 months to even start to know a person. Try not to get caught up in the rush of the newness---enjoy it. If it's meant to be, then next year, or the next, life will still be incredible with her. If not, then you've lived and loved....and learned.

I wish you the best----

UpandRunning

Wow, is this the situation for the poster?

AGG

Yes, we live on opposite ends of the country (me the east coast, her the west).

FGG, I must have missed that you’d only met this person once and that it was completely a phone/email relationship.

Ann cannot make her daughters honor her. They have to do that, especially since they are adults. Ann can do a better job with boundaries, and possibly when she maintains her boundaries, her daughters will respect her more, and honor her more.

IMO, if you step in as their mother’s husband and try to enforce boundaries their mother doesn’t enforce, you will create havoc. First, you will be treating their mother like a young child. We cannot enforce the boundaries of another person like that. Second, you will antagonize them beyond belief. Third, their mother may resent the discomfort you cause in her relationship with her children. Remember, she’s unwilling to enforce these boundaries. Why would she really be willing for you to enforce them? Fourth, when you criticize her daughters’ behavior, especially their behavior to her, you are criticizing the way she brought them up.

May I make a suggestion? Before you marry her, why don’t you move to her town and court her? During the engagement period, you can really get to know her and the family you’d be marrying into.

I will be thinking, and praying, and respond later.

Honestly, my only hesitation is that I don't really ahve the answers yet!

My h and I have our weekly counsleing session today, and one of the issues we are working on is how to parent the children God has trusted into our care.

I think it is very important to note that this is an issue no matter how old the children are!

FGG --
This is an issue you would do well to explore in great detail before planning any further.

I just posted yesterday about how ferocious I can get when someone critisizes my children or my parenting style. I get extremely defensive! Ann might be inviting your comments, but you need to tread carefully here!

Her girls sound selfish and self-centered. And there is no way on earth for you to tell her that!

It may have worked better for you to both introduce each other to your children as a dating partners first -- instead of jumping straight to marriage. The kids all have their walls up right off the bat. Not much you can do about that other than to give them time to adjust.

Your boys are grieving the loss of their family as much as her girls are. It doesn't matter that they are adults. Its still a loss. And presenting a new partner to them just reinforces the change.

Perhaps studying the effects of divorce/loss on kids might help you understand some of the dynamics. And you might want to do that before making any comments that won't be appreciated!

Good Luck!

Thank you all for your comments. I think I have come to realize that I do need to step back a bit and give this some space....especially regarding the boundaries and rules she's setting with her own kids. I am trying to be really, really careful to not "criticize" her D's knowing that would be offensive whether I'm right or wrong.

And...GG..I am considering already what you have proposed. There is no reason (other than MONEY) that I can't move there for a while to allow everyone to see that my horns are well concealed. I have looked on a few apartment web-sites and, wow...living in CA ain't like living in GA, but I already knew that.

Stay tuned for more details, and keep those insights coming.

Yes! Good points by Lexxxy. I can critize my boys all I want to - but no one else can!
and most of the time, when a woman vents to a man, the mans response is to offer up solutions, try to fix things. it is highly likely that Ann is not looking to fix things - just to vent. of course, none of us know that for sure, since we do not know Ann, but from my own personal experience......I can remember spending hours on the phone talkign to my Husband-to-be and telling him all about how busy i was all the time - giving #1S rides to and from football, fixing dinners, dishes, laundry, working full time, etc. I was jsut venting - and probably looking for a little bit of a "Wow! you are a super mom!!". But after we were married, my new H was hoping to help me out. he made several loving suggestions like: "you boys should ask your Dad to hlep with rides" and "you boys should help your mom out around the house more". Yikes!! I knew, even at the time, that my H had the best of intentions - but it felt a little like an attack on my babies!!
So..perhaps...if you were to spend a little more time getting to know Ann, and her kids, you may be able to get a better feel for what situations she is truly looking for help with, and where she is just wanting you to say "wow! you are super Mom!!"

You will also start to get a better idea of what your tolerance level is with this sort of thing. You love Ann - she is the woman of your dreams. BUT you will not be marrying just her. you are marrying her past, her present, and her future. And there are going to be siutations that pop up where you will say "oh! I didn't expect that to happen, I didn't realize that was going to become a part of my life." the more situations taht you an face ahead of time, and discuss, and agree on, the btter. You can't possibly resolve all issue ahead of time, but the more, the better.

I think you are on the right track here. If you could live within the same city for awhile, it would be a huge benefit to both of you.


Ok - give us an Ex wife update here. any contact from her lately??

Hi WOF...

We all had a great time tonight, our 2 hour Bible study lasted 3 1/2 hours. James 1:21-25.

First, the ex update is nope, absolutely nothing.

Now...yes, I think this little glimpse has been an eye-opener, I think it would be wise to spend at least a month, maybe longer, in CA to TRY to get acquainted with her kids. I'm getting the feeling, from talking to her this week, that she has gotten the communication through that she is, indeed, engaged and they need to get used to the idea. That is a big sigh of relief!!!

When she gets home, we will have some discussions about me coming out for a while. I've been looking at some furnished apartment web-sites and it's going to cost quite a bit, but I think in the long run in will pay BIG dividends. Fall in the Bay area really doesn't sound too bad...I may get used to the idea!!

And...I'm wondering if maybe, just maybe (and I'm not there yet!) if this whole thing WAS part of the "expected" dynamic between them all....and the outcome was already known (or anticipated) by them, but they had to go through the motions anyway. (kind of like you venting about your schedule. you know you're going to do it...but you vent anyway.).

I dunno.

This is HARD!!

I've been trying to give her space and leave her alone this week...and the last couple of days commuincation FROM her has really, really ramped up...and she "sounds" like these MAJOR issues are becoming more and more MINOR.

Hum....