I have posted at the just found out section as "need advice", but I have a question: Is it normal for a WS to leave items at the home when they say they are done and no longer interested. It seems like a subconcious slip to not take everything when you come to get your things. Also, since my husband has been gone 3 months and said he is not coming home, why will he not give the key to the house back to me? It's a rental so it's not like he has any ownership in it.

I don't know what to tell you what's in his mind, but it sounds like he'll do anything to have a reason to come back--it may be a matter of control. But, in most states, the renter has the right to change the locks, as long as the landlord is given a key to the new locks. Wouldn't that flip his lid? He may be trying to come in when he knows no one is home, and if he can't get in, he may mention it to you--

I may not be of much help--sorry about what you're going through.

m4

Vallejo,

My STBXW has had over 2 and 1/2 years and countless opportunities to get her clothes, jewelry, makeup, pictures( except she was just there to claim my last picture of her and her "fantasy man"), and other personal items out of the home that I just purchased from her.

I am facing giving her an ultimatum or packing her things(some very expensive items) and leaving them in our common hallway. As a reminder, 2 years ago she had our nephews pack up my clothes and personal items and drop them into a storage area. I found out about the move when I received a bill in my name from the facility.

Funny you should mention changing the locks, when he first moved out I went into panic mode and changed the locks...he was ticked. I felt bad though and gave him a key after the panic subsided. I think I may do it again, but I don't think he is coming by anyway.

Also, is it normal for a WS to pretty much ignore his children? Mine has only seen them 4 times since he left in July and only for hours each of those times. When he does see them, he barely interacts with them, and if I happen to be around while they are with him (soccer games), he seems ticked off. Last weekend, he attended my 5 yr olds game and didn't even speak to him. (DS was with a friend and I was out of town) My DS's friend pointed to WS and said "isn't that your dad?" But my WS didn't hug him or anything.

Now all of a sudden he wants them every weekend, which I said no to of course. Then I said to him that he could not introduce them to his girlfried and he was so in the fog hes asked "why not!!!" I explained to him that he hadn't even told the kids he was never coming home yet, and how dumb it would be to introduce them to OW. He then asked when he could...I said when you divorce me. The OW has a daughter and I think is wanting to meet them, to increase her chances of keeping WH, ya know by showing how great of a mom she could be to them.

Do they all become detached from their kids? Is it guilt, because my WH says he doesn't feel guilty at all.

I also could use some help on how to get my Plan B together. It has been 4 months since the EA began, 3 since DDay and he moved out. I hear 6 months is a norm for an A but I just don't know!!!

By the way it also is a PA now.

Vallejo7,

Sorry for your situation and unfortunately everything you describe above is very normal for a WS inlcuding wanting to start a new little family with OP. Have no part of it. Protect you and your children to the hilt. If the plan B doesn't work then don't play nice, go for the jugular and let the cold hard reality of seeing his kids a few weekends per year paying child support and hopefully alimony enter into his little fantasy world. You can't be nice. I know because I tried at first and all I got was more disrespect. Well I may no longer be married (and just as well as long as she is wayward) but I have custody of our 19 mo old son, I am filing suit against OM (legal in my state), watching OM's wife take him to the cleaners financially, and have a ton of respect from my WW because if I tell her I am going to do something there is no doubt in her mind that I will. There is a certain amount of regained power and self esteem in knowing this to be true.

Believe nothing the waywards say, they are so far out there that light can't reach them. If you plan B go very, very dark, protect the children (restraining order or court order to keep them away from girlfriend) and your finanical situation. He may not like it but who cares at this point.

This site is so helpful to weed out the garbage. If I had not found this site, I would have given up hope a long time ago. It took me a while to post because I was reading others' stories. I am thankful to hear(unfortunately) how normal my situation is. If I hadn't seen and heard that, I couldn't go on.

I am really close to going there. I will not subject my kids to OW, period. My philosophy is I can handle anything he throws at me, but don't mess with my kids...

I am getting ready to consult with a lawyer to find out how long it takes to get the finances going, ie CS and possibly alimony. I can't afford much time between the time I file and when he finds out. If he stops giving me what he is currently giving me, I'd be in trouble. I am trying to save as much as I can, but we were financially tight before he left. I just don't want to move before I am ready for the consequences.

Vent some of your anger.....go to a background check on the OW.

That's for starters. Don't tell the WS and document what you find. Keep it in a safe place away from the WS' clutches.

L.

I only know her last name and where she works, how can I do this?

Your husband is perfectly normal, for a WS. It is hard on you and his family, but he will most likely be back.

Your first priority needs to be seeing an attorney and establishing financial support for the family. It often comes to pass that the WS not only doesn't visit their children, they also don't SUPPORT their children.

Please get something in writing.

To date he has been giving me the money that I stated I need. I am afraid to make him angry until I get the legal part done. Like I am walking on eggshells.

Rent a storage unit and put all his things in it. Give him the key and tell him it is up to him to pay for it from now on. That will send a message and will give you your control back.Send him the info by registered letter so you have a legal paper trail.

Oh-just read your post about fear. See an attorney asap. If you cannot afford one, go to legal aide. He needs to pay for you and his kids for now. Never let fear hold you back. It is still him controlling you and he is not going to like you taking charge, but you must or he will just drag you on.

It is so hard to see how he will come back when he is acting the way he is. When they repeatedly shoot down your efforts at reconciliation. I feel like I'm drowning. It is hard to function and breathe. I don't want to lose sight of the goal.

Orchid,

I copied the letter from trueheart and e-mailed it to my WH. I couldn't have said it better than that. I doubt he will take much stock in it at this point, but man it was on the mark. Thank you for attaching that info...I would never have found it otherwise.

I've seen a lot of your posts and I am thankful for your advice to all those on this site.

Check out zaba search.com (NOTE: take out the space and the link will work).

Put in the info you know. This is a free site. To get more info, you may need t/d a paid search. Check out google for other sites. Read before you purchase.

I have used some of those sites and been quite successful. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.