I'm new to MB. My H left 10 days after he told me the M was over 7/12/06, because he didn't love me any more, unhappy for a long time and that I have anger issues(that's new to me). I didn't see any of this until the weekend that we had an argument over his time being spent on myspace.com. I knew he was depressed for the last couple of weeks, but I didn't realize it was an A. I was the stupid wife, I thought we were very much in love, I was(am) anyway. He has been taking Prescription diet pills that I feel has added to his drastic mood changes.

Any way, I tried Plan A with out success, as he would only communicate with me by email. So I decided to stop responding to his emails and work on Plan B. It only took 12 days until he called he and gave me his new number(yesterday). He was civil on the phone, not giving me any indication that he wanted to reconcile, butI thought that this was a very position step forward. In the last month his mood had seemed to mellow, so I thought that the A was over. He was even responding to me with "hope everything is ok" I'll call you soon" I'll meet with you soon" I'll give you my number soon" and "I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to be so cold". He reached out a few times for emotional support also. I don't have any way to confirm if the A is or or not. He's moved and I don't know where he's living.

I don't want to end my marriage, but I filed for divorce, to try to get financial support from him (he got served today). He left and refuses to contribute. As a result I could loose the house to foreclosure. Needless to say he went blastic when he got the papers, and now wants no commumication until the divorce is final and told me to loose his phone number.

After reading some of the postings I see that his behavior has been referred to the text book behavior of an A. Being mean and nasty, blaming everything on me. That makes me feel as though there maybe a chance to resolve our problems.

I don't want to give up on my marriage. I really know that there are other underlying issues that have influenced my husband. Should I wait it out, or just come to terms with his decision. I need some good help and guidance.

Yep. Classic affair behavior. He's probably staying with the other woman. You did right to file for support. You need to protect your home and your family and finances. Do not be discouraged. Just because he has cut off contact and told you to "lose his ph no." doesn't mean it's over.
You can Plan A by taking very very good care of yourself. That's first of all. Be healthy and strong. If you have a church or a synagogue, get support there. Also, read up on Plan A and Plan B. part of Plan A is exposure of the affair. Very important.

It's likely he was getting in contact and being "mellow" as part of a fence sitting, cake eating posture. Don't be fooled by it. Do you have any kids? What is the rest of your sitch?

Thanks for the support. I have been trying to take care of my self. I have two children 15/18 from my previous M, so they help me to be strong. I've been working out, losing weight and got a new hair style.

I've kept the A quiet to my friends that aren't close to my H. I did expose the A to his family and some friends. Most of our friends are-his "band" friends. I did get calls from some of their wives, so the A is out in the open.

What do you mean by fence sitting and cake eating posture? Is that like he's waiting for the better offer?

It means that he wants to maintain the status quo that HE wants. You will quietly accept any contact he initiates and make no demands. He gets to be "amicable" when he wants to. He gets to have his other relationship, while not losing any of the benefits of being your husband. This means that you make no moves yourself. You do NOT file for support or divorce. It means that whenever he calls, you be available and friendly. No contradictions, no arguments, no demands.

If and when he comes home, you don't make any waves. He may come home to collect some of his belongings. He won't commit to ending the affair or going to counseling. He stays at your house as long or short a time as he wishes. He gets to leave whenever it suits him.

That's what fence sittng means.

Don't be fooled by any thing he says or does. It doesn't mean anything.

That's my definition of fence sitting.

Cake eating is where he gets to be home and around family or friends when it suits him. Means he gets to be on the phone with the other woman when he wants to. And that he gets to invite her to anything he wants her to attend. And that you accept what he wants you to accept.

People in affairs do both these things. They are in fog. If they fall off the fence on one side or the other, who knows what pile of poop they could drop into. You mustn't force them to get off the fence. ANd the cake eating - they get to eat and eat, but the cake never disappears. The frostings don't dry up, the little decorations don't stop being there. Cheaters get to do whatever they want.

Go and read up on this site. You'll get an eyeful! Learn about having a Plan. It's always better to have a plan. Fog bound fence sitters eating their cake don't have a plan or a map. Marriabebuilders have plans.

The fence sitting is his current behavior. I already filed for divorce, only for financial support. Will that make a difference? I thought it might make him take a closer look at himselft and what he wants.

He's not eating cake. He does want to return home to get some of his items, but insists that Im not home when he comes. (I changed the locks when he left) Should I let him get the rest of his belonging?

I'm reading the site often and will take your advice on making a plan. Should the plan be how to get him back with a time frame?

There is more traffic on General Questions and some good help will come to you sooner if you post over there. I don't know whether allowing him to come and get his things would be the right thing or not. Which is why I suggest GQ (General Questions).

Thank you. I posted on the General II, advice please.

I know by law, you can't prevent him from getting his things if he wants to come and get them