It’ll be a year this month and a long story short about my wife’s physical affair…While I was out of town on business, my wife sought out for a physical affair. A normal everyday shy quite girl pushed herself on her employee. My beautiful wife pretty much degraded herself and begged for sex by the loneliest, unattractive and easiest loser she knew. Turned out, after three days and three encounters, I returned home (after seeing her in between without knowing anything was wrong with her mentally) to find her missing after leaving the kids. She was threatening suicide and ended up in the hospital for 2 months for many reasons. Bi-polar was ruled out but the symptoms were the same.

After having said that, my internal emotional battle is not over and has only dwindled somewhat. I became an angry person and threw tantrums for 4 months after realizing I was only making things worse. But the pain is just as great, the thoughts have not reduced (hits me like a rock every 2-3 minutes or so), the nightmares are devastating, the anger is building still, the depression isn’t better and worst of all, the thoughts of suicide are constant. I have had much personal therapy. My first therapist began to strike a few cords with chronic delayed onset post traumatic stress disorder and after a few months referred me to a psychiatrist to be properly medicated. I’ve been seeing him for 5 months without any progress and no interaction. The depression pills (many concoctions) haven’t helped. But to add to all this, structure in my personal and working life is nonexistent. I’ve been taken advantage of by most I know including my parents. Money and greed gets the best of people. Had over 200,000 stolen from my company and only caught it a month ago. So to be fair to my dilemma, more and more keeps happening to disallow the wound to heal.

Regardless, the thoughts of suicide are far too great and too often. The only thing stopping me is the thought that I’ll have to pay for everyone else’s sins that drove me to do such a thing. We do have three children but I can’t even find the love within myself to share love. For whatever reason, the love just isn’t there. I am a man of honor and normally self respect. But all that diminished and I just can’t feel positives. The Dr’s asked if I thought I still loved her and I cant answer that cause I don’t feel it except every now and then I feel the love (not as strong as it once was) for her and emotional connection within myself. Other than that I don’t know why but everything in me is negative and can’t get over the affair, the thoughts, the images, etc. regardless that she was “mental” when it happened. I can't even concentrate on what I used to love the most about my career. I’m a programmer and I just can’t put the code together as the concentration still isn’t there.

Anyway, I could go on but all I have to say now is HELP!!! I don’t know what to do anymore and can’t continue living with this inner battle and turmoil. I can’t express how devastating it still is and sometimes I feel like it was yesterday when she told me.

Wow. Now that's a story. I'm so sorry you can't take joy in your children. that is what is holding me together.

I take prozac for PMDD and had a few problems with it in the beging. I do know that with some antidepressants one of the side effects is thoughts of suiside. Are you sure you need the drugs?? I am not a doctor. It sounds to me like you have had a very hard time of it this last few months. Maybe it isn't pills you need. Just time.

It's just a thought. In the morning look at your kids and see them for what they are. The love between you and your wife. It is still there. Even if you aren't in love.

Good luck. I hope you find joy soon.

I've stopped the pills and its all the same. I've never needed anything to get me by as I am a positive thinker. The children should keep me going but again, I don't even feel the love for myself. I do feel the love once in a while but not often enough. I feel it with my wife sometimes when I hold her and for my children too. But the problem is nothing feels the same.

As for MC, it was a joke. Everything this web site is all about, they were totally the opposite. My questions, she told my wife that its up to her to talk about it and not me (as an example). Well I blasted the MC and tried to get WW to read up on this site. The DR's have ignored the A and haven't given me the opportunity to work it through. All the MC could say is "what does it mean to you". Seriously, what kind of question is that and what happend to working it through unstead of ignoring it because "she was mentally ill".

Although, one of the issues I didn't mention is the fact that she's lied b4. Five years ago (another attempt at suicide) she did some things that were less than trusting. according to her there was no sexual contact but the trust issues never allowed me to beleive it. Prior to that, she's lied. I even found something out over the past few months of something that happened in our first month together (been together for 13 years). She grew up with lies and now she lies. But when I caught her in lies I asked her to help me with trust and tell me all the lies she had. Well to this day I found out more even when I asked her to confront them. Again, nothing sexual or pretty much nothing related to the oposite sex as far as I know. So maybe this is why I'm stuck. But striving to live everyday is becoming a losing battle and is begining to worry me as it gets me down even worse now with the thoughts that I will never heal as it is getting worse.

Thank you for your replies...they are much appreciated.

Regardless of your W's state of mind, you need to get control of yours. No family feeling is not a good sign.

Please get yourself a good IC and work on your issues first. Let the doctor's help your W's issues. You have more on your plate than you can handle even for a 'positive thinker.'

L.

The problem is not the IC nore is it trying to help her because I have no energy to help her and realizing that I am sinking I haven't built enough respect to help her. But the plot thinkens and to your surprise here is the rest in a list:

1. I roled one of our cars due to lack of concentration and ice conditions.
2. My father had my shares in trust to me because of binding agreements with other companies disallowing me to start up my own company for 2 years. He tried to screw me out of my shares for his profit.
3. One of my companies went bankrupt for what was unforseen by theft of our book keeper.
4. Found out a while ago that our book keeper stoll over $200,000
5. Lost our home this last month due to a leak that occured while we were away in Florida. Found out that my inlaws had a previous flood before us, couldn't afford the deductable to repair it and covered up the mold. This new leak brought out the mold throughout the house within 72 hours. Since my company was new, we couldn't get a mortgage so we did a rent to own to also help my inlaws out while they separated. Long story short, they made over $30,000 after interest over 1.5 years and took us for our money and now we're living in a hotel.
6. My partners took advantage of me and screwed me too
7. My partners will not allow me to take the time to heal while my DR's think I need to be placed with a team of DR's. They don't care but I'm strapped cause we need the money now more than ever (so bad that we lived without hot water for 2 months and they didn't budge). My poor children
8. Many, many other things but the reading for all of you is getting to be too much.

I've never been so poor and always found ways to get out of trouble but the trouble continually finds me and attacks where it affect me the most.

Now, the problem with all this, while everyone is attacking me, I place much blame for our downfall on my wife and resent her greatly for it. Not only that, what she did hurst the most of all the other ppl. I've always said that I can get by regardless of how bad it gets as long as I have my family but now I cant find that way anymore.

Again, thank you so much for your replies.

But guess one of my main questions is Shouldn't I be healing by now? Yes I'm getting worse with everything happening but with the A, shouldn't the thoughts, nightmares, images not be as frequent as it has (every couple of minutes or so)?

Okay here is what I think. An affair is like death. There is know right amount of time to heal. It takes as long as it takes.

You are going threw a ton of other stuff. Being poor isn't so bad. I know from first hand experience. It is a change from having money but you'll learn to get by.

Your extended family sounds like they suck....sorry that's rude but true. I think it's time to let that all go. I know it is easier said than done. I learned tha tif you start to act happy you'll start to feel happy. You have to positive think yourself into a good place. Sound silly but it works. What dosen't kill you makes you stronger.

One other thing if both you and your wife are feeling this suiciedal are your children in a good place. even when us parents are goin gthrew the worst of it we have to be strong ofr our kids. Sometimes that means letting them stay with family or good friends.

I hope you are feeling better soon.

IIWI,

You definitely have a lot on your plate and I am sorry you are having to deal with sooo many stupid people in your life. Still the need to take care of yourself still is a priority.

If you can't deal with a WS, then don't. Work on your priority issues 1st. She wants t/b a WS, you can't stop it but you don't have to enable it either.

Protect yourself financially. Seems you need t/d that from more than 1 person.

Wish I could help more, take it in increments you can handle. You will survive. You are stronger than you realize. It is evident in your posts. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

I just want to make it clear that we are not both suicidal. My wife is no longer suicidal as she had so much therapy while she was in a psychiatric ward for two months and then entered a six month extreme psychotherapy program after her stay.

My W doesn't really know that I'm suicidal at least not to the extent that I am. I can’t open up to her anymore and I am the most open person you can imagine. Now I’m just bottled up in my own world. Suicide is in my thoughts all the time and only go as far as thinking it’s the only way to end the pain. But yes there are children involved and they will suffer far greater than I and for this reason along with my eternal misery is why I cannot. AS SAD AS ALL THIS SOUNDS…

As for safety for the children, while my W was healing and I was getting worse, the children lived with family for three months keeping their best interests in mind at the time. Now that my W is better they’re safe. This anger and pain is kept inside except when my W and I talk about the A. I need answers to the A and she continually uses the infamous “I don’t know why”, “I don’t understand”, “I don’t know because I don’t remember”, bla, bla, bla. This gets me even angrier and her conclusion is “I will never be able to give you the answers you need to heal because I don’t know”. All thanks to the doctors for giving her a reason to copout as they indicated to her that she may never know…Great for me…

So that’s why I’m stuck I guess. These answers are towards many, many questions. Not just that, her answers to some questions have been answered differently many times so I don’t even know what the truth is anymore and now she says her answers are different because “you’ve asked so many questions you have me confused now”. She’s always lied to avoid situations and have done so our whole marriage. When I’ve caught her in lies I’d ask her to confront all her lies to help me build trust again while she comes clean. Even though she had other lies she was very convincing and responded with “I wish I could make something up so you can feel that I would tell you anything from now on”. She’s used this our whole marriage and it always came up when I caught her lying. She’s never told me anything other than what I’ve caught her with. I don’t think she’s ever had any other relations but in the back of my mind it’s always a question. To be fair, she’s done so many other things as a sacrifice for her love for me. She’s even quit her job that she loved dearly (she returned to work for 2 months and saw I was going down hill again). But it’s just not enough for whatever reason and I don’t know what is. She has done so much but still has much work to be done.

Deep down, in my heart I know I still love her but…with all the distrust in the past it’s very difficult to believe that she’s come clean and will always be clean because she’s had opportunities to come clean in the past but chose not to.

I have ended my other family relations and consider myself, other than the family I’ve built, to be familyless, for lack of better words. Again, I never needed anyone else as long as I had structure and a healthy family with my wife and children. But I just can’t seam to get things straight with my wife. Sometimes we can, but the pain is still there…never goes away and is always constant regardless of what I’m doing.

All of this can be worked out and we will support you. BUT, if you are having frequent thoughts of suicide, you need to confide in your doctor and get some help. Please take care of that right away.