I asked my husband to come home for a 90 day try at making things works. Do counseling, whatever it takes. I told him that if OW loved him, she would wait for him. I told him that we had to at least try to work things out before we tell the kids it's over. I said that God could restore and that if we tried, we could have a marriage beyond anything we ever hoped or dreamed of. I said our kids deserved for us to try and that we had never really tried to fix anything before. (my husband is notorious for going into silent mode when something is bothering him and then to respond "nothing" when asked what is wrong.

I had asked him this before (the only other time we had a serious conversation - very one sided on my part) but he said at the time he couldn't risk getting hurt again. (You know because it was all my fault)

This time he said he would think about it. I asked if he was just saying that to placate me or if he would realy think about it. He said he would really think about it, but that he had something to lose by trying it. I told him if she really loved him, she would be there in 3 months. I told him it is a win-win situation for him...either he gets the marriage we always dreamed of or he can be with her.

In the "fog" I don't know if this was even a plausible tactic. I just want him to know I still love him at this point.

This doesn't sound like any of the Harley plans. What plan are you in?

Is he still in the A?

If you are talking to a WS, don't expect much. Think about it, do you really want a hostile, confused WS in your home?

Go read the books and see if you can place a call to Steve H @ MB for some phone counseling. They will ask that you read Surviving an Affair, the concepts section above and take then EN questionniare (both of you if possible, if not you take it once for yourself and once pretending u r your H).

You've got lots of homework.

take care,
L.

Sorry, forget to address your question: Was it a mistake?

C/b a bit premature. Notice how when you got 1 answer you asked another question? That c/b overwhelming for a WS.

Go work on yourself 1st. The plan w/b t/d a good plan A (whether he comes home or not - for plan A is about making you a better person), the put the goal in front of you to put your mind and heart in sync. That along with lots of patience, a good plan, identifying your boundaires, support of a good support system and securing your finances is a good start. If you have kids, make them be part of your support team and you be part of theirs. Your support doesn't have to know all, just enough to help.

L.

I have been doing Plan A for about 2 months, I found out 3 months ago. I am pretty sure the first month I was barely even functioning. But in the last 2 months, I have made3 a lot of positive changes, even realizing that if this does not work out, there is a great someone out there for me. I have generally been very happy and outgoing around him, however when he is around me he seems very pissed off. He says he is like that so that I don't get any false hope. But he acts that way around his kids too. He acts distant and detached whenever he spends time with them, which is very little.

The idea for the 90 Day trial came from Hope For The Separated. It is a plan the author suggests when one of the spouses does not want to come home. Honestly, I think this was just my last ditch effort before I move to plan B.

At this point, I really don't want him home until he wants to be home, I don't know what I was thinking. It was definitely a moment where a lack of resolve to the Harley plan A came about.

The first time I had asked him the question was at 6 weeks, before I even knew there was an OW. I just thought he was out sowing some wild oats...drinking and sleeping around with women he could care less about.

This time was just 2 days after I found out about the OW. It is just so logical to me, but I now realize it was not a good idea. Does screwing up like this set me back in the process, does it ruin the chances of him coming home? I realize now that this was a huge LB, especially with the comments that have come back.

Try to keep your posts to one thread so people can keep up with you and post. I think your sitch has a lot of hope but I do have a few suggestions.

1. Back off from him a bit. I KNOW this is very hard but please stop offering him plans and ideas and sending him Trueheart's letters. There comes a time for this but it is not early on when he has split. Believe me, he knows you'll take him back in a heartbeat. PLans, letters, etc. just enable him to continue what he is doing. I know from experience once you start acting not so interested he will start to worry that he is losing you and the tide will turn. It is a fine line though so be careful.

2. Do something that will shock and confuse him. Make sure it is good for you. Become someone he doesn't know anymore. Make new friends, take a class, change your hair, your clothes, your makeup, your bedroom - anything. Just mix things up a bit.

3. Re leaving things at home and keeping his key. He is keeping his foot in the door. My ex STILL has his stuff here at my house and HE actually told me his counselor told him it was his way of staying here because he was still emotionally attached to me.

4. Please be confident. Your spouse's affair will probably end and the more confident and self respecting you are, the happier you'll be and the more leverage you will have with laying the ground rules for his return to a NEW marriage.

5. Re the kids being introduced to OW. This is not advice, but this is what happened in my sitch. WH was living with OW for two months before we divorced. My son (10) was so desperate for daddy's attention that I decided it was best for him to see his dad when he could. I also figured in another two months I couldn't do a dang thing about it anyway. My son hated her because she broke up our family. When he went there he would go in the bedroom and knock their picture off the dresser. My son made it very clear to WH without any prompting from me that he did not like his choices and he did not like OW. He also refused to go spend Thanksgiving or Christmas with WH at OW's house. I gave him the opportunity to be with dad and let him choose. Guess what? Two months of this and my son has never laid eyes on OW again. Even though we have been divorced for about 9 months now. All of this is ex's choosing.

Also, OW's kids loved my Ex. When he was still married that is. Once he moved in, it was a whole other ballgame. 3 young estrogen filled teens in the house. Ex told me that her kids are "f'd up". He said it is probably because their dad left them and he doesn't want that to happen to his son.

I guess what I want to say is don't frett too much over it. The last thing two star struck lovers want haning around is angry resentful children spying on them.

Good luck V. Don't despair - better days are ahead no matter what. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

to me it's a bad idea..

what is to stop him from pretending to obey..be good for three months then walk away...

better in my opinion to plan A..then move to plan b...

ark

I reread Surviving an Affair again this week and think I need to Plan A it a little better. The first time I read it, I had no idea what my WH was up to. I feel like I am starting at the beginning again because I just found out about the OW. I think I am able to back off, I had been doing that for several weeks recently, but freaked out when I found out about OW. One step forward, two steps back! Ugh!