Before I tell my story : I am dislexic and all of the shortening to letters things make my head spin so I'm not going to use them as I tell my story. Please feel free to use them in replies as I can use the guide to figure out what they mean.

There have been three incodents in my five year relationship. I have been married for about the last fifteen months of that.

The first time was within the first year... my (at the time) fiancee started a new job and made friends with a co-worker. This female had a computer and so did we so they talked on the computer a lot. The biggest thing I remember of that time was New Years eve when he left the computer, when talking to her, and sat on the couch with me for fifteen minutes before rushing back to the computer.

Things got very bad and I insisted they stop talking but he would talk to her behind my back. Staying up after I'd gone to bed and things. I went out one night and caught him asked are you talking to her and he said no I'm not and then I saw he was (I could see the icon she used in her message box) and flew into a rage. I tried to smash his computer and we argued. He began to gather his things and put them in the hallway to take them to his car.

the police came as he was getting his stuff out and they saw everything was under control and watched him leave then left themselves (a neighbor called them). As far as I was concerned it was over.

The next day he called and I told him I needed my mailbox key and he said in a small voice may I please come talk to you. He said he'd hardly gotten out of the driveway before he realized how horrible he'd been and how he should have never lied to me. He asked to come back and I said ok. He started looking for another job but this woman became someone he "hated" and a horrible person and and annoyance to him in the time he had to stay at that job.

I know I didn't handle that situation well. We've never faught like that since. He (as far as I know) never had contact with her outside of work again. I wasn't happy with the work part but I couldn't change that.

At that point, in my eyes, he lost the privlage of having female friends. He obviously couldn't deal with it.

So things were fine for a long time and we got married. There were a few times I'd get upset over him talking to a female and he'd ask why is it ok for you and not me (I have a male online friend) and I'd tell him because I've never given you any reason not to trust me! I knew he resented this but I didn't have a choice and he'd never admit there was a romantic involvment with the first girl so I couldn't really use any more of what happened then except the lie part as my reasoning.

We were married in June 05 and about six months later he stopped wanting to have sex. I'd gained some weight and I thought it was my fault, that I didn't attract him anymore. I remember twice me sitting him down and crying as I begged him to tell me what was wrong and why things were that way. I was in a very bad state. He'd be ok for a few days then back to the way he'd been. Looking back I feel humiliation over those times.

The second time... I'm not certain when but probably mar/april the cell phone bill had many calls to a number I didn't know while he was on his way to and from work. I confronted him about this and he told me I was being paraniod and he was talking to a girl he went to high school with about all the people back home. I wasn't comfortable with this but not having anything but a cell phone bill and a lie to base my suspitions on I couldn't do much. So I had to let it go.

The third time... I was away for the weekend with my mom and our hedgehog had something happen to his eye. Tim called me and I talked him through taking him to vet and stuff. That night his eye ruptured. I'm certain that was very horrific for my husband. He told me the next day he'd been so upset he asked a girl from his online game if he could call her. They talked for three hours. Now while I (again) really was not happy with this I did understand (to a point). He told me he couldn't call me because my businesslike attitude in crisis makes things worse for him and upsets him more (first I'd heard of this but ok then).

A while later I asked are you still talking to her and he says no. The phone call was July 30th.

So fast forward to this week. We've not been getting cell phone bills so my mom (we have all three on her account) decides to print them off at work. She complains about how much we are texting and I say but we aren't and she says well your husband is. I look at the bill and there is 137 text messages to the game lady. I confront him and he says I'm sorry I lied and you have every right to be pissed. He says he stopped a few weeks ago. He said they were just friends and talking about the game.

A few days later mom gets the next bill and there are 53 more texts but they did stop when he'd said they should. Again, he now hates this person and will never speak to them again. I couldn't prove he'd been innapropiate.

The night before last he was at work and the kids restarted him computer. When it restarts his messenger comes up and sometimes people IM him. I will answer and say he's not home this is his wife he'll be back whenever. Well, this happened and it was the high school friend. I answered like I always do and I got no reply. Now, normally these people will reply with "Oh I'm so in so from work/game/whatever I'm glad to finally meet you blah blah. I'll talk a few minutes and then say goodbye. So this old friend not answering me made me suspicious.

I didn't do anything that night I waited till he left for work the next day. I got into his e-mail and everything was deleted but his sent mail. There were about 20 in there. I read them.

I started at the end which was the beginning. It started normal then they began talking about old crushes and he says how he had such a crush on her. At one point I called him asking what the heck it was all about. I hung up when he told me to get out of his e-mail. I kept reading and got to some questions they sent back and forth about sex and him saying I think I have the same feelings for you that I used to in high school. At this point I called him back and he said he was coming home. He said please dont read anymore. I told him OK and I waited for him to get here.

We talked about a half hour then he went back to work. I told him a lot of stuff and he said he was sorry a lot. I told him I will invade his privacy if I feel I need to in order to protect myself from what he might do. I was strong and stern and tried to get across this is not ok. I asked him if I was to read the rest of those letters what would I find. He said "I can't remember" He also called her immature "just like back in school" and basicly did the same thing of I hate her now.

After he left I realized I wasn't being fair to myself by not reading the rest. I needed to know how far it'd gone. It went to him in the shower taking care of himself while thinking about her and how he couldn't stop thinking about her and always was thinking about her. I was horrified. If he'd been there I would have kicked him out that minute.

I'd calmed some by the time he got home many hours later. I asked him to go into his e-mail and read the messeges so he knew what I'd seen so we could talk about it. I was getting tired of his "I said that?" responses. So I gave him some privacy to read them and then he came to me and said "I can't believe I said all that stuff, I'm so sorry."

I have a very clinical type approach to most things (after I get control of my emotional reaction) so we talked and I asked him things like do you realise this was wrong? Do you understand this was an affair? I made it extremely clear that if it ever happened again I'd kick him out in a heartbeat. He seems genuine in his remorse, he seems to truly want to fix our marriage. I don't know what to do.

He swears the third one (the game-lady) wasn't romantic but admitted the first one was. He said it didn't go so far as the second but I'll never know that for sure.

We went to bed last night and had sex (I wanted to) and this morning I woke up mad. At him and at myself. I told him I'm mad at you today and he looked shocked and asked why. I told him Its not just going to go away.

I know it's a pattern. I have thought of insisting on counseling but I'm just not sure it'll help (I've had bad experiences with counseling). I don't know if I should believe him or how to go about making sure it doesn't happen again without looking over my shoulder the rest of our relationship.

I asked him to write her an e-mail and tell her it's over. I want him to make it clear he was wrong and make sure she understands to not try to contact him. I told him tell her she can reply to the e-mail if she wishes but that's the end. I don't want to be walking by his computer and see some random message from her ever again. The allowing a reply was more for me so I can see if she has anything to say about the whole thing. After that I don't know what to do next.

Thanks for taking the time to raed all of this and for having this place for me to write it all.

Read everything you can on this website, starting at the "home" page.

Your H is on a slippery slope. You don't necessarily know what all transpired in the other two online exchanges.

Here's what I would do in your situation.

First, call the Harley's, the founder's of this site. If you have qualms about counselors, this should alleviate your fears, because Dr. Willard Harley founded this site. The counseling is pricey, but everyone reports it's well worth it, especially compared to the price of seperation or divorce. Your H needs to be confronted by a professional about his weakness of engaging W online, perhaps in person as well.

Secondly, purchase and install a keylogger on the computer, without telling your H about it. You can capture every keystroke, without him knowing it, and you can see if he's telling your the truth about "ending" these EA's.

Keep monitoring his cell phone, and be on the lookout for a "secret" cell phone, one of the prepaid variety, which you cannot get records for. Likewise, look out for calling cards. Often you can't get those records without a court order.

Read all you can about affairs, and if your H is "all about" these "just being friends", purchase the book "Not Just Friends". Very educational and elightening.

Lastly, make him write the NO CONTACT letter to the last OW, and mail it by snail mail. Also, make him change his e-mail address, so the OW's cannot contact him any more. He can easily notify all the people who have justifiable reasons to know his e-mail address.

This is a great forum for getting advice and even just to vent. Welcome aboard, although I'm sure you'd rather not be here. This is solely a volunteer board, and people can post to whom they want, whenever they want, and sometimes new threads get overlooked, and sometimes the boards are just slow. If that happens, just reply to your own post, and type in "bump", and it will push your thread to the "top".

Best wishes,
SD

Thank you for the reply.

You reminded me that there have been several times that he "lost" money. We have really tight finances and I notice if even 5.00 or 10.00 isn't accounted for on payday. It's been a bit more a few times but not much.

He's told me he understands he can't have female friends. I think he'll say anything to get me to let him stay.

I want him to come so bad so I can stop thinking. I don't want to think anymore.

I can modify my request about the last letter to her. I think it's a good idea to have him change his e-mail too. I'm so afraid I'll run across her name again.

I will look into a keystroker. Unfortunately the way our finances are I'd have to lie to sneak in paying for it and I don't wan't to do that but I may be able to see if my mom will buy it for me.

Thank you again

Many health insurance policies cover some "counseling services", so you might look into that. The Harley's have one of the only tried and true systems, supported by a mammoth website, and these forums, to help a HUGE number of people survive infidelity.

Stick around for a while....read everything you can on this website, including the stories of others. You will see how how incredibly "same" affairs can be, a horrible, self-serving entitlement done without regard to ANYONE else's feeling. People forsake there entire families to feed the addiction of affairs.

Learn all you can, and consider yet another book by Dr. Harley, called "his needs/her needs", that give insight on how to have a marriage that is less vulnerable to being victim to an affair.

SD

You may want to condense your story line a bit, and start a thread over on the General Questions II forum, as it is much busier, and you will probably get more action from your posts.

Just a thought...
SD

Get the book His Needs, Her Needs in the audio format and plan a roadtrip with your husband. Listen to the CD together. The car is the perfect place to get a man to open up. No distractions, nothing else to do, no eye contact and body cues...just passing the time. You can pause the CD to discuss the subjects from time to time.

Further, I notice you stated to him that you spy on him to protect yourself from his behaviors. I think you may need to reconsider how you state this. Perhaps stating you are attempting to protect YOUR MARRIAGE as opposed to yourself is a better way to put it. Further, how long do you intend to be his keeper??? Your husband has boundary issues...ultimately you can't be everywhere all the time...it would behoove YOUR MARRIAGE if he could get to the bottom of his thoughts processes on this...the WHY's, such that he may be better able to protect himself and thus the marriage HIMSELF.

Think of it this way. An alcoholic can't just simply stop drinking. Very, very, very rarely does that work. They must get into AA and/or therapy and address WHY they drink and learn new skill sets, become accountable, and get healthy individually to avoid and stop drinking permanently. Your marriage needs a PLAN. The MB principles ARE that plan.

Have you also read the Longhorn thread on this "JustFound Out" board title "For Newly Betrayed Spouses"...if not you should not to mention all the Dr. Harley concepts on the main pages of this website.

Good Luck,

Mr. Wondering

Thank you for your reply.

I understand your concept about telling him I'm protecting the *marriage* instead of *myself*. I don't feel that way myself though... as he has completely destroyed our marriage I will not sit and ensure him I'm going to do everything I can to fix it for him.

I am in a deep anger state right now and I don't feel it'd be right to answer the rest of your post. It's not a good time for me to try to digest information.

I do very much appreciate the time you spent on your reply to me.

When I was alone last night I got angry at him. When he came home he listened... we talked... I felt better. Part of the feeling better is that he let's me be mad. I know it can't be very comfortable for him to listen to my anger but he does and that makes it go away.

I told him... In our marriage you are supposed to protect me and I am supposed to protect you and we are both supposed to protect our marriage. If you don't protect me then I have to revert to protecting myself. He said he understands that now.

I told him if I feel anything is wrong in our relationship again I'll talk to him about it first. If I feel he's lieing I will try to check it out but I won't invade his privacy if he's honest with me. I think I'll know... I will know the signs that I didn't know at the time meant something but in hindsight I know do mean something.

My protecting him comes into play there. While I may (and I'm sure will) have insecure and scared feelings I can't *fix* those by invading his privacy. That would hurt him. Now making that choice has had a lot to do with the fact that he's left it up to me and not said he'd rather I didn't but instead that if I feel I need to I can. I feel like it's open if I need to if he becomes that way again but it's not something I should abuse.

I do feel a big change in him. I know he's trying and I'm also trying too. I hope we can meet in the middle and re-create our relasionship.

This is his first long term relationship and my longest and it's not as easy as looks in the movies to keep a marriage on the right track. We are going to use this website to help us keep on track and I have asked him to set us up marriage counseling through his insurance.

I have hope that we can be one of those couples that gets stronger from the experience. Hope is a good thing.

Thanks again for the replies to my huge post.