Well, I am in need of some immediate help, if I may have your attention for a moment.

I am 21 years old, and when i was 16 and in high school, I met the man of my dreams. His name was Alexander, and he was the sweetest, most sensitive guy I have ever met. He joined the military and, before leaving for basic training, broke up with me because he did not want me to miss him while he was away. Only, he did not just break up with me, because we had done that already and found that we could not stay away from each other. We were completely in love.

So, as a solution to this problem, he decided to say some pretty meant things to get me to hate him so I would not talk to him when he wanted to get back together. It worked, all too well in fact, and I didn't speak to him for almost four years. Then, iin january of this year, we ran into each other (and by ran into I mean i found out his number and called him ) and then, after discovering we were still both very much in love, we began to date again. Everything was going fine until this past weekend, when he dropped a bombshell on me. we have been arguing a bit lately (mostly about dumb things like who has to sit in what chair when we are on the computers and what side of the bed to sleep on), but my sister had stayed the night previosuly and he had told her and his friend that he didn't know why we were still together because we fought so much.

So, trying to get to the root of the problem so we could resolve it, I asked him the following morning if he wanted to remain a couple. He insisted that my son (from a previous failed relationship) and I were his reason for living; that we validated his existence. We bagan to talk more, and as we talked, his story changed. He first decided that what he had said before was wrong, that he didn't love me, but was in love with the idea of being in love. He switched again to say that this was real and he wanted to grow old with me. Switching again, he then said he didn't love me and never did. Still not satisfied, he decided that he loved so many things about me he could never live without me. Then, as before, he changed and said he didn't love me, but didn't want to be alone. Then, once more, he decided that he wanted to get married and grow old together. Then, just like before, decided instead that he only went out with me so that I would get back on my feet and get back in school (for my son). This continued for a while until I decided I didn't want to hear any more and left.

I went to my mother's and spent the night. I returned the following day because he was working and wouldn't be there. Well, I didn't get all of our (my son's and my) stuff out before he came home for lunch, at which point I asked him why he didn't tell me earlier if he did not care about me. He said it was because "I'm a wuss" and then said he would have waited an additional TWO or THREE ---YEARS--- if I had not brought it up then.

The thing is, he says he still wants to be friends, and when I told him I didn't know if I could be friends he asked to be just acquaintences, like he didn't want to lose contact. He acts like we are still dating, and insists that he wants to remain, strictly plutonic, although he does not want to talk or see each other outside of school.

He did mention that he never got to be his own person or make his own decisions, and Wednesday (we broke up this past Saturday) I told him that I thought the majority of this had to do with that, since he left for basic training right after we broke up in high school, then came home and got deployed, then came home and began dating me again. He did not reply but said he respected my opinion.

His mother and father have a colored past and I think that may play a part here as well. When we were dating in high school, his parents divorced, and his mother told his father she never loved him (The things he told me this time, by the way, were the same things he said in high school). They have since gotten back together and are dating, but both he and his mother think that his dad does not love her.

When we began dating again, he insisted that it was real and that he would never hurt me like he did in high school, and said that while he was overseas he got a lot of time to think about what he wanted and realized more and more everyday (he was there for 14 months) that what he wanted was me. He totally swept me off my feet and was the perfect gentleman, right up until he decided to have a nervous breakdown.

I do not know what to do...

I want to remain friends, but a part of me knows that this will never work out and part of me knows it will. I have never stopped loving him, and never will, but he has hurt me so badly I do not know how to handle this. I told him when we had only been together for a short time that I needed to know if this was real, because I didn't want my son getting attached to him, and then finding out he doesn't really care.

One of the other things that bothers me, is that he insists he never had any desire to try again, he was only doing it for alterior reasons. But, he has been a better boyfriend since we broke up than he was when we dated before. He calls me just to talk, and every once in a while he will say something about his family missing me, but he will use a real general statement like "Everyone misses you..." And I can see it in his face he is sad.

I will not be able to replace him, but I don't wanna wait forever, and I don't know how to reach him... Any ideas?

Twice A Fool

Sweetie, you are too young to throw your life away on this guy. Spend your energy raising your son. I would recommend you not date for a while until you can get back on your feet. God bless.

Does he sound like marriage material to you? You have a little one to raise either way. Best you find someone who can commit to you and your child as a family than a wishy washy person.

U R better than him. Go find someone who will appreciate what you have.

take care,
L.

I would follow the others' advice. He doesn't sound like marriage material to me. You have your whole life ahead of you, plus a child to raise. If you have any questions about the relationship now, I don't think you should even consider marrying him--the problems will continue, marriage won't change him, and then there's a bigger mess if you divorce. When I was your age, people kept telling me that there was someone else out there, but I never listened. Sometimes, w/ the mess I'm in now, in a troubled marriage with four kids and no college education, I wish I had listened.

Love yourself and your child enough to leave this guy alone.

peace and blessings--
m4

Man of your dream would never break you heart ... every breath he take and every move he make is to make you happy ... is he ? ... was he ?.

Go out and have fun ... meet as much people as possible (meet, not date <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ) ... enjoy your youth and pursue your other dream.

Good luck -rh-

Sometimes the most difficult actions to take are the ones that are best for you. I know that it is so very comfortable to have someone that cares about you. It seems that you are chasing this guy because you hope that he is someone who will care for you and your child. I will offer you this piece of advice; “No one will take better care of you and your child then YOU”.

Make yourself better by improving your education and your health. By investing a few years right now you will set the stage for the rest of your life and I promise you with all my heart that the best things will come to YOU.

There are wonderful men out there who know what they want and could be potentially good providers for you and your child. Please do not fall into the trap of impatience. Take your time and be very selective in whom you spend your time with. I will suggest to you that this guy is not the one. What is clear to me and the other posters, I hope is clear to you; he is not “it”. This guy you are asking about requires too much compromise from yourself without offering much in return.

Become a woman of class and distinction. Who is your role model? Who do you admire as someone you would like to become? Pick a target; make it your objective and then GO GET IT. If you do this you will see that men of quality will become attracted to who you are and what you represent.

You refer to your feelings towards this guy as a true love, the man of your dreams and so on. I would like to share something about the concept “love” with you that I typically shared with folks who are 20 or 30 years older then you. Many think that “love” is the irresistible feelings that develop between two people. You describe those wonderful “feelings” throughout your post. Real “love” is nothing like that, nothing at all. You see, real love is what comes from acting in a loving fashion. What I mean is that when two people do loving things for each other then that defines “real” love. It is not a “feeling” but an “action”. It is that exchange of loving “actions” that perpetuates “love”. It is not what a person says that matters it is what they do. In your post you have described many loving actions from your end but very few from his. I know it is a disappointment to you but yours is not a loving relationship. I urge you to take your time and go find one that is.

I wish I were your age again. The world is your oyster!

Mr. G

Please do not take this the wrong way, because I really do appreciate your help and respect our opinions, but what is it that makes my age prevent me from being in real love? If I was in my 30s or 40s and the same thing happened, would I get a different response...? I feel as though I would. I understand what you are saying about leaving this guy alone, and it makes sense what you say about my son. Thank you for all your suggestions.

Because it takes until late 20's to hit emotional maturity for most people.

I would agree with ff but also add that some people don't hit the age of emotional maturity until their thirties and fourties. A samll subset of us never really mature emotionally.

For proof, spend two to three more months reading about the antics of a lot of WS's portrayed here.

If you were in your 30's and not married, we'd hit you over the head with a firm pillow and tell you the same thing. If you were forty, we'd use a brick and tell you the same thing. Since you are in your 20's, we'll give you a break and just hit you with the words. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You have your life in front of you and a the life of your son. Don't make choices you will regret. The slightest apprehension now c/b big regrets later.

L.

I imagine that it is difficult for you to accept Orchid’s advice. You may think that her advice is almost obvious but has little to do with your particular situation. It is most difficult to get someone to believe something that seems to go against everything they “feel”.

Has your Mom or Dad ever told you to save your money? Perhaps they said that if you save now you will have a lot of money latter. Maybe they said that they wish they had saved more when they were young. The simple fact is that most young people have trouble absorbing this piece of wisdom. When you are young most seek the gratification that comes from the “immediate” and the “now”. That is because they don’t have the perspective of “time”.

As you begin to grow older you will gain the perspective of “time”. With that perspective it makes much more sense to make plans that insure your “tomorrow”. That is called the “maturity of age”. Very few young folks are possessed with this concept but the ones who are almost always the same ones who become successful and well-off at a young age.

To answer your question directly, your feelings of love change with the “maturity of age”. As you gain life experiences with men those experiences will mold and shape what “love” really means to you. This is not to say that you cannot experience “real love”. You of course CAN. The problem is in the word “real”. What is “real” to you today will likely change a great deal in a few years.

I think that all the folks want you to try to absorb this idea and take careful steps if for no other reason then “we might be right”.

With your inquires to this forum you have taken a big step in your “life’s experiences”. It is encouraging to see you consider some of what is said here. You have the opportunity to gain the kind of knowledge that may prevent you from making the kind of mistakes with your love life that so many in these pages have made. Use this new found knowledge to your benefit.

Mr. G