I never thought I would be in this forum. My thread is somewhere in general. Long story short, my WH has an A with a single OW and moved in with her. I did the plan A and plan B, and my husband moved back in 2 months ago. Things between us were getting better, and we were on our way to recovery. NC had been established. Well 2 nights ago she called and left a message saying she was pregnant. My WH and I just both fell apart. He cried and I cried.

I am so angry and frustrated and I dont feel like venting to my husband. It is amazing I still want my marriage to work. I really need some adivce to get through this, just as I did to survive his affair. I am falling apart and am losing hope. We dont have any children, and were planning on starting a family within the next year. We wanted to work on fixing the marriage first before having children.

I actually hate the OW and blame her for being stupid enough to get pregnant. Yes, I know it is just as much former WH fault as it hers, but I cant help but feel this way. I hate the fact that my H will be tied to her because of this child. I do believe she still wants my H, as she is apparently excited about having this baby.

My H is absolutly devastated. I do not want him to have contact with OC or OW, but havent told him so. I just cant get myself to say it. I am so angry.....

Not sure what advice anyone can give me, but I just wanted to vent my frustations. Thanks.

hello masosa.

pls visit www.survivingbetrayal.com. Many BS with OC sitch are there.

Hugs to you...

- aka R828

I am so sorry to hear that you are going thru this.

Here you will find much hope, advice and caring people to help you get thru this. And it can be done with 2 people working hard at repairing the marriage.

For right now hun dont even think of the OC, your H has done the right thing with the NC.... that is very imporant and it must continue. The OW will go thru the pregnacy by herself, that is her own fault for sleeping with a married man. There is no reason what so ever for any. Now is the time to fix the marriage. Use these months for both of you to fully commit to repairing it. Cause you will need a very strong marriage to help you get thru this all if the child turns out to be your H. You guys can make it if you repair it first then worry about the OC.

Don't make any decsision about C or NC until you have repaired the marriage. Read alot of threads on here you will find many many stories, ones with C and ones with NC. From there you will find what will work for the two of you.

Post alot and read alot there is plenty of people who care and will understand every single feeling that you are feeling.

Hugs

i would just like to say understand how you are feeling. i've been through that situation - my advice is to read and read the posts here and at www.survivingbetrayal.com so that you may gain insights on the right approach to do

hugs to you

masosa,

First and foremost, DO NOT break your NC! You and your H are what's important here. There is absolutely NOTHING your H can do for this OC UNTIL he/she is born, if you do choose to have contact with the OC. Don't let the xOW lure your H back in with the whining that will soon begin. Second, get to working with an attorney to have a DNA test done when this OC is born. That way, you know from the beginning of the OC's life if your H is infact the father of this child. It's not too often, but there have been times when the xOW is proven wrong in her accusations of who's the daddy! Third, and definitely no less important is that you both still need to be working on your M. It has and can be done, to survive your situation. See about talking to an attorney, work together to POJA about C or NC with the OC, and ONLY the OC. Protect your M from any interferance you can expect from the xOW. The best way to prepare your selves and your M is to prepare for the worst and make your M foundation just that much stronger. Keep posting here as there are many who have walked this marathon you are just now training for. It's not easy, but it is survivable. Good luck, read and post often!

Masosa, I am so sorry. (((((()))))))

One thing i thought it was worth pointing out is that, at this stage you only have FOW's word that she is pregnant. If you look back thorugh the archives of MB you will see that it is not uncommon for an OW to try the "i'm pregnant" routine. It is guarenteed to stir up a hornets nest in the recovering marriage and force the WH to think about the OW again, which is exactly what she wants.

I dont want to give you false hope but it is entirely possible that the whole thing is a fraud. Until you have seen the actual medically authorised pregnancy test from a reputable third party or she is visably pregnant, i would be inclined to think this is her cruel way of jumping up and down with her hands in the air screaming "pay attention to me, pay attention to me!!!"

I know you are aching right now, the both of you, but you do need to play this smart and not fall into her games. I would suggest that you write her a letter from the two of you. Tell her you have recevied her voicemail message and note her claim that your H is the father. Tell her that until such times as she is prepared to sumbit any such child, or herself if she wishes to sumbit to prental testing, for a paternity test you do not wish to hear from her. If she does wish to submit, tell her to contact your lawyer. Then tell her that any contact outside those paramters is unwelcome and will be consdiered harrassment by you and you will investigate your legal rights.

We had a letter written along those lines for Sleeplessiniowa. i will see if i can find it in the achives and bump it for you.

Hugs sweety. its going to be ok.

Carolyn

Thanks for all of your advice. It would be nice if she were not pregnant. All of you are right...so far the only thing we have is her word she is pregnant. She told my H that she went to the doctor few days ago, and they collected some blood, and have an U/S scheduled for next week. My H did ask her if she was planning to keep the baby, and she became very angry with him for asking.

I have always believed she has been after my H for financial security, and now she has somehow found a way to access that. I remember my MIL saying "She [OW] is not going to give up easy; she has alot to loose."

Anyway, thanks everyone for your help and allowing me to vent.

masosa, welcome to the club none of us wanted to be members of. I do hope as Carolyn pointed out is possible, that your OW is not pg. If she is your M can still survive. The C or NC can be decided based on the MB POJA guidelines. Do not let him force you into C if you do not want it. Once the child is born and DNA established then go through the courts for CS and possibly visitation. In meantime as everyone else has said stay NC and work on your M. {{masosa}}

Well you guys are right. She is already trying to lure my H back. I feel like this starting all over again. WH told me she contacted him today and he answered. She wants him back. He told her he loves me. Now I am scared and insecure that he will leave me to be with her b/c she is carrying his child. I told H no contact with her. He agreed, but I cant trust him, especially if she is calling her. This is so difficult.

Have him change his cell phone number and his email and any other means she used to contact him.

I would do like Carolyn mentioned the two of you sit down and write her a letter (but only him sign it) that he is notify her that from the minute on no more contact with him or you by no means, phone calls, text, email, etc.... and for no reason, that once the baby is born she can contact your guys lawyer for a appointment for a DNA test. And after the test your lawyer will handle the CS (for sure) and visitation (if you go that route) But till then no more contacting him.

Send it registered so you have proof that she did recieve it.

That way if the games get to rough then you have proof that she was warned and you can get a restraining order.

And like faith said have him change his number.

He did the right thing about telling you about the call, that can give you some reassurance in your time of doubt that he is being upfront with you.

Ok Here is what I suggest, no more contact until she can prove that she is actually pregnant, because imho the part that she wants him back is some what of a dead giveaway that she isn't really pregnant and just using it as a way to get him.

Seriously say that for now until she can prove she is pregnant no more contact and if she is pregnant then do what others have suggested but first make sure that she is pregnant so that you don't waste your time on this if she isn't.

I really feel insecure about everything. I fought so hard for my marriage, and suddenly I dont feel hopeful about us...On saturday, he talked to OW on saturday for an hour while I was out. He told me he did. I asked him what the conversation was about...and he said OW is mad and upset at H for being misled and lied too. She wants my H to leave me and move to be with her. (She lives in another state since the A ended).
My H is soo miserable and looks and feels drained. He wont talk or say anything. He is in a depressed state and wont do anything or say anything. I told him he needs to not talk to OW, change his number, and detach himself from her. I also told him to request proof of the pregnancy, and he just said that he was sure she was. He is soo sad, and I dont know hot to pull him out of this. He had told me earlier last week he does not love her, and that it would never work between them if he left me for her b.c of this baby.

I dont know what to do. I requested no contact with OW, requested proof she was pregnant, and he hasn't done either. And he doesnt want to talk. I dont know what else to do!!!

OK, if your H really wants your M to work then he needs to go total NC with OW. Of course she wants him to move to be with her, most of them do. The OW in our sit fought so hard that I am still traumatized by what my H let her get away with. He has been NC for about 3 months now and he has changes soooooo much. NC is honestly the only way your M will begin to heal.

I want him to go total NC. But, he isnt doing it. He is angry, mad at the world, and mean, ....it is like the withdrawal all over again. I have tried talking, and expressed my insecurities in hopes he will do or say something. He wont talk about ANYTHING. Constantly angry. I called him at work today and he didnt pick up his cell or call me back. I feel that he should be doing all the work to keep me from walking away....and he is not.

SHould I go back into plan B? If I do, I worry that this pregnancy will bond them together again. Just dont know what to do.

PLease help.

Masosa, at the moment he is being pulled in different directions and doesnt sound like he is coping with the pressure. He has his love for you and his investment in your marriage and family and the OW is laying a massive guilt trip on him. He is trying to find a way to ballance both you, and what the OW is telling him she expects from him. Unfortunately it is not possible but this is something that most FWS in this position need to come to on their own.

I know how hard it is for you right now, trust me i do, but the absolute best thing you can do right now is be there for him, not in a doormat kind of way but to let him know that
a) you know he feels confused and angry about this and that you do to.
b) that you want to work through it with him and be a part of the solution.
c) he doesnt need to protect you from her and that you are strong enough to cope.

One of the biggest pitfalls for a man in this situation is to start trying to keep his wife out of the OW/OC situation. He will do it thinking he is protecting you but in relaity he will just shut you out and disempower you which in my experience is a quick way to divorce.

I know it is not fair and their is no justice in this but you do need to be strong here and try not to let your feelings about this run away with you.

Masosa,

First of all welcome...I'm really sorry that you find yourself here, but here is the best place for you.

I'm sure your husband is being torn right now as Carolyn pointed out.

Here is my suggestion:

You guys need to sit down and discuss what he wants...that is FIRST...if he's not going to try then you'll be running with no gas. He needs to be clear about whether he wants to stay at home with his wife or with the ho, bottom line.

Tell him that you understand that he's torn, but being angry and upset with you is not going to solve the problem. You had nothing to do with this. Tell him how you feel, I don't care whether he wants to hear it or not...you need to get it off of your chest...and of course you are welcomed to share it here...we all understand.

During my OW's pregnancy, my H was very depressed to...he was sooooo upset with himself for getting us involved in such craziness. Remember, he's dealing with alot too, and what's worst is that he brought all of this on himself.

Take special care and let us know if you decide to sit and talk to him.

Thinking of you...

CH

BTW - Make sure you find out if the woman is pregnant, and if she is, try and find out her due date. You can get a lot of information from that.

Well, we finally had a discussion last night. The OW called last night , and he talked to her. They talked for a very long time...over an hour. My H told me it was her while he was talking to her. I was so angry, and I just went into our bedroom. He came to me after their conversation was over...weeping & crying. He told me he felt horrible for everything he had done, and how all of the lies he told OW and me while he was having A spiraled out of control. He said OW was angry at him for being deceptive. I listened, and told him that they both had an equal part in all of this. He said he felt like he played a larger role in all of this than she did. I told him that OW knew what she was getting into when the A started. I asked him if he wanted to be a part of this childs life, and he said he did. I asked him if he wanted to be with OW.... Thats when he said he had thought about moving to be with her, but he didnt think he could do that. He said he wanders if he does love her....because he said at the time of the A, it felt like he did. But, now he isnt sure of those feelings. Anyway, he cried for hours with me.

The OW is definately making him feel guilty. I told him if he wants to be with her than he is free to go (even though I dont want him to). He said he needs a few days to think about everything. Oh, and he said OW wants to speak with me to apologize for all of this. I really dont want to talk to her.

I need some advice!!!!! I am trying to be strong, but am falling apart on the inside.

((((((mamosa)))))

so she wants to say sorry huh. day late and a dollar short i am afraid. If she really is remorseful she will remove herself from the triangle and not try contacting your H again until after the baby is born.

i am sorry you and he are in so much pain. It really does seem to be quite normal for MM to react this way to this news. It can be difficult for him to see a way forward, and doubly difficult to see you in so much pain. The devil on his shoulder is suggesting he take the easy option (hence the, maybe i did love her BS).

Hang in there. Vent any time you need to. here or elsewhere and know you are not alone.

Does anyone know why there are so many of us in this horrid situation? Masosa, I just found out as well and my H is doing the same thing with feeling guilty for not being in control of his life and not ever getting involved with OW. When is the OC due? Ours is in April. I feel as you that I am holding things together sometimes on the outside, but the inside is all a soupy mush.