I’ve decided to change my screen name…

When I first came to this site, I had a desire to remain as anonymous as possible. In fact, I wanted to crawl under a rock and vanish. My world had just been turned inside out and I hadn’t slept very much for a couple of weeks. Frankly, I was also trying to protect my W.

I began reading the BC and all the info I could locate, and then started to look at the posts. Ultimately, I began to post, still spending much more time reading than writing. It was about that time that I began to realize two things; 1) I didn’t do (or fail to do) anything that caused my W to seek out someone else. 2) The things I was hearing from my W were not unique. Knowing these two things gave me a great deal of hope for the future and also allowed me to get back to doing things important to me…like eating and sleeping. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

My W had already committed to working on our M, since, as I had put it to her, “There’s always time to get a divorce later.” Unknown to me, she had already committed to NC w/ OM before I had made my first post. As far as I know, she has kept that commitment to this point. At least I can find no evidence of it and her fog, which was quite thick in the beginning, seems to be pretty much gone.

I’d like to take credit for a perfectly executed Plan A, but I have no such delusions. I can only describe the change in her attitude as a miracle. I don’t know if it was my prayers, hers, or those of our friends that were answered first, but she seemed to rapidly go from “I hate you. I want a divorce” to ILYBINILWY to ILY to planning for the future in a very short time. (60 days or so)

We still have the “elephant in the sitting room” to deal with, since she doesn’t want to discuss “the past”, as she calls it. (Still feels current to me at times) I’m more concerned with her figuring out why she was so willing to throw away 32+ years of M and nearly 15 years of leadership in our church for a quick feel-good fantasy with a guy she readily admitted was not someone she wanted to spend her life with. She didn’t want to give him up at first, but within days of D-day, knew that she didn’t have a future with OM.

It isn’t why she did what she did that is important, but why she was able to allow it to happen. How did she arrive at a decision that what she was doing was “right” or even “ok”? I think I understand the process WSs go through; “I’m not happy”, “I deserve to be happy”, “OP makes me happy”… “My S makes me unhappy”…”I want to be w/ OP”. I know that all sorts of things are used to try to justify what they are doing. I understand what causes the fog. I can see the ramifications in rejecting your own code of ethics and needing to resolve the conflict in an effort to not think of oneself as evil.

But those things are all “what” not “why”. The reasons given are really just excuses, an effort to resolve that conflict between what I believe to be right and what I am doing. When I said “till death” did I mean that or “till I need to feel better about my life?” Did the words “what God has joined together” have any meaning at all?

The purpose of marriage is not to make each other happy. It is to make it possible to do something together that neither can do alone.

If we rely on our ability to resist temptation, we are doomed to failure. To do what is right, we must decide to do what is right, no matter how we feel. Right and easy are not the same things. Right and feeling good are not equivalents.

So, I’m changing my screen name, because I no longer feel the need to be anonymous. I also choose to not be defined in any way by what my W has done or may ever do. I hope that some of the people I have suggested visit this site will actually know who I am. I also hope that some may even be inspired to carry on the fight for what is right because of something I might have to say. I pray that what I have learned and what I have experienced may help someone else who comes along. There must be some good that can come from all of this.

Thanks to all who have preceded me here. I especially want to thank BP, LA, Pep, Plank…Shoot, thanks to all of you! Some of you have no idea who you are helping when you think you are posting to someone else.

BetrayedHub shall henceforth be known as Mark1952
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mark,
I want to thank you for being here and also to request that you keep writing as well as reading!

As you just mentioned to the "MB regulars": often posts help many people here reading and quietly hurting... I want to tell you that your snake legend story to firsttimer really hit home with me.

You have a gift for getting to the heart of things. I hope you continue to share it here. Good luck with your recovery.

SR,

My plans are to stay here as long as I am learning and as long as I feel that I have something to contribute. I guess this has to do with recovery. I am recovering; the verdict is still out on the M and though W has shocked me lately in some of the things she has said and done. (a good kind of shock) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> I’ve come to realize that I am going to make it, whether we make it or not.

I have often held back from saying anything to some of the posters, because I seem to have a very low threshold for bovine excrement. I know about the fog, but can’t understand how people can ask a question, get the same answer from 40 people and then ask the question again by saying, “but…what about in MY case?”

You can’t argue with a turnip, they don’t hear very well.

Thanks for the compliment on the snake story. I don’t recall when I first heard it, but have seen it attributed to several sources. I have used it many times to make the point to various groups. I think it does a great job of explaining that there is a difference between temptation and stupidity. If you can’t swim, stay out of the river. And even strong swimmers need to beware when the river is at flood stage. So, if you have a problem in a certain area, stay away from that area. If there is something else going on in your life that makes you vulnerable, you need to beware also. It’s all so clear to me, but to someone in the fog, the logic just seems to be missing…

Like the old joke:

“Doctor! Doctor! It hurts when I do this!”

And the doctor says…”Don’t do this!” <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Aloha Mark,

1952 eh? If that's a year..... wow! No you're not an antique. Maybe more like a classic? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Loved your post and glad u c/b here to lend a hand. Sure could use your help.

I forgot the snake story, care to share it again? Love the doctor joke. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for coming back and sharing.

All the best to you and your W on your M recovery.
L.

Pasted from original post in firsttimer's thread:


A Native American legend:

A young boy was walking in the mountains, high up, near the tree line. The weather was cold and winter was about to begin.

As he walked along, he found a rattle snake. It was coiled up tightly, braced against the cold wind.

“Please help me!” the snake said to the boy, “If I don’t get down to lower elevations and warm up, I’ll surely die.”

“Help you?” asked the boy, “why would I help someone who could harm me?”

“If you don’t help me, Ill die!” said the snake. “But if you’ll just pick me up and take me down the mountain with you, I’ll have a chance to live.”

“But you’ll bite me if I touch you, and then I will die,” said the boy.

“No,” said the snake, “I promise, that if you’ll help me, I’ll let you live, for I will owe you my life.”

So the boy, after contemplating his course of action, picked up the snake, placed him inside his coat and began his long climb down the mountain.

The snake began to warm up inside the boy’s coat, and as his strength returned. He began to move around, and then he bit the boy on his side.

The boy tore the snake out of his coat and shouted, “You said you wouldn’t bite me if I helped you and now you’ve done just that! I am going to die here on the mountain and my family will be devastated. No one will even know what happened to me. My people may even blame the neighboring people and think that they have done something to me. There could be a great war and many will die. You promised! How could you do such a thing?”

“You knew “said the snake, “what I was when you picked me up.”


In the story of David and Bathsheba, 2Sam 11:1 says "at the time when kings go off to war, David sent Joab out with the king's men and the whole Israelite army."

David was where he should not have been, and fell to the temptation.

If you go where you shouldn’t go and seek out that which can harm you, you will be bitten by the snake! Only one Man has ever been successful at resisting all temptation!

It isn’t about resisting, it is about boundaries.

Mark,

I loved that story...how appropriate!

Hi Mark,

It's nearly been a year. Wondering if you've seen signs of the following happening since you posted it last October.


I for one, appreciate all you've contributed and that you're still here. You've been a tremendous help for me and my husband and countless others. In fact, you seem so solid now that it's intriguing to see how far you've actually come since this thread last fall. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Thanks,

Ace

Ace,

Wow! It seems like so long ago and yet like only yesterday...

I don't know how many I have referred to this site that have become posters but I do know that some have read here because they have commented to me about what they have read.

It was about the time of this post nearly a year ago that I had two shifts in my thinking that made my life much simpler or at least easier to deal with.

1) There was nothing I could do to ensure my wife's faithfulness. It wasn't within my power to ensure she would remain faithful and more to the point, it wasn't my job but hers. Ultimately she is the one who must see to it that she does not allow a future relationship that is damaging to our marriage.

2) Assuming that God can and does use everything for His purpose and for the good and betterment of those who trust Him, there must be a higher purpose, not to be confused with a reason for, to all that happened to me/us. I quickly concluded that higher purpose to be helping others by sharing what I had learned and applying it to assist in saving their marriages.

And I'll pass on picking on you for the typing errors... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

But hey, thanks for bringing it up... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Mark

Mark:

Did you ever figure out why?

Larry

Larry,

Still can't really tell you why beyond that she felt entitled...

Can't really even say I'm happy with her solution to prevent it from happening again since that seems to have been to gain weight and become less attractive.

I'm of the opinion that the "why" question is over rated. At the time was it a decision to hurt me? Maybe... Was it a decision to try to gain something that she felt she was missing? Probably... Was it a decision to throw away our 30+ years of history together? I don't think so...


At this point I'm more interested in how she plans to prevent it from coming to that again and even more importantly how she plans to assure me that it won't happen ever again.


I can tell you that my next recovery will be solo. That is one thing I know won't happen again.

Mark

Hey Mark,

Reading this is an 'ahah' moment for me:


I've realized this but never really identified that my greatest fear is not that my DH, FWH, Mr. romAnCE might choose to cheat on me again.

My largesr fear, I think, is wondering if I will be prepared to handle it when God again reveals it to me. MC said "don't worry if he does it again, you'll know."

When I asked "How?", MC said "the same way you found out the previous times."

All I could say was "oh".

It sucks that this will forever be on the back burner of our relationship. But like you, I will NOT let this define me. Nor will I allow this to define our marriage now.

***

Then you said something earth-shattering:


Why? Don't you care? Remember, I'm the weird poster who actually LIKES 2x4s. It means someone's reading and cares enough to tell me I have spinach between my teeth. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I must admit, finding your fat-finger-faux pas is quite fun, though. That's only because you're such a dang great writer you seldom make any typos. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />



You're welcome for bumping your ancient thread. I found it when I was looking for the thread where In_Limbo_Land said she might start looking for a new name last summer. Maybe you could pop on the thread I created to help her and give her some of your deep, introspectively insightful ideas. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> (jeeeez, I confuse myself often! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />)

Thanks,
Ace

Ace,

QUOTE:"Don't you care? Remember, I'm the weird poster who actually LIKES 2x4s."

OK. One question...what's a busband? Anything to do with field trips to away games when you were in high school?

Mark

Ace, have you considered that for believers it doesn't have to be?


God bless.

Hi Mark,



SHORT answer: Thanks, I appreciate that and will fix it.

LONG answer: A Busband is what Limbo will have if she chooses a new name relating to a busy bee in dealing with her husband. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

LONGER answer: Remember when you wrote a really cool poem when you were tired and said you would edit it later? And then you edited it but forgot one very important typo at the end that changed the entire context of the poem, thereby decreasing its impact? I noticed it the first time but waited for you to edit like you said. When it was obvious you had missed it again, I quietly emailed you (and FWH) to let you know about the typo because I care and I thought the poem would be more powerful with the correction. (AND I would have wanted you to care enough to tell me, too.) How's that for a major gaslight? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> (You asked!!!)

*****

Hi FH,

I may have spoken in error when I said:



I'll answer your question briefly here but will repeat it on my Smiles and Trials thread, too. Don't wanna TJ Mark's thread any more that I already have.


In reflecting on Mark's comment that he cannot do anything to ensure his wife's fidelity because it's her choice, I was responding from a physical perspective that my FWH's A would be a part of our marital history for the rest of our days. He already made that choice, but we don't have to let it define us individually or maritally.

Please help me on my Smiles & Trials thread understand about faith and forgiveness that makes it spiritually different for a believer. Thanks for caring. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

[color:"red"]Ace (of hearts!) [/color]