Oh boy, where to begin. A friend gave me this website with no pre-information. Just said, check it out. I did and now I'm writing. I've been separated for nearly a year from my husband of 26 years. We were together 29 years and have 2 children under 14 years old. No, I wasn't a child bride. Did I mention that he is himself a divorce attorney? He is a control freak who badgered and bullied me and the children for a decade. His verbal and emotional abuse have left numerous scars. Living without him has been the best thing I could have done for myself. And having the calm, sane home I've set up for our daughters can only be good. I hope that the damage done by my staying as long as I did, can be minimized or somehow fixed. The problem is that he badgered me for so long to sign an agreement he drafted when we tried mediation, that my refusal to do so pissed him off big time. So he filed a petition against me for custody. The things he has said, the lies he has told and sworn to about me are so hurtful,but the worst is that he's keeping my children from me on my weeks. This man who I loved so completely, who became a Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, has waged such war against me that I can barely breathe. All I want is to spend more time with my children, so I changed my schedule to try to accomplish it. His temporary Order prevents my girls from spending time with me until after 5:30 on week days. It has them getting off the bus at his house where he and his who knows what she is to him these days, she's his legal assistant and our after-school "nanny" for over a decade. -they spend the time with the girls that should be mine on my custodial weeks. We've had this informal shared custody arrangement since splitting. Making matters worse is that I've recently learned that he's been setting me up for years, telling everyone that I can't take care of the children, that he's the primary caretaker, that he 's mother and father to the kids. He's been telling everyone how sick I am and how I can't do anything. I feel like such a fool! I was so trusting and naiive. Now he's convincing the court of what a great father he is and how horrible I am--telling such stories it should be a movie of the week. How do I get through the pain of not being with my children when I should be. All I wanted was to give them what they want-more of me. I changed my work hours to have more time with them. Now I'm being prevented from that by a Hitler. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

(((cbr47)))

I know you are terribly hurt and that his position as a divorce lawyer is intimidating, but now is the time for you to become a mama bear who will do whatever it takes to protect her cubs. First you need to get yourself an aggressive and experienced family law lawyer to fight his temporary order.

It's hard to imagine that a successful lawyer had the time to be both mother and father to his kids-given the hours they usually keep (two of my cousins are lawyers).
Finding the right lawyer will help you expose his lies. Also you might be able to get a guardian for your kids. That's a person who will represent the best interests of your kids to the court.

Is there a lawyer in your church you trust or do you know someone at work who may have gone through the same thing? They might be able to refer you to someone.

There are usually legal organizations that help women find resources. When I was looking up information about legal separation in our state, I went to "legal separation + my state" in Google and it took me to the state courts site. There were lots of links to other resources including a women's legal aid center that had lots of information about family law and a referral link.

Also, my county superior court website also had help links and phone numbers.

On a personal note, a book that really helped me move on in my pain was "When He Leaves" by Kari West and Noelle Quinn.
I also joined a DivorceCare support group in my town for divorced and separated people. You can just type your zip code in their website and they will show you any groups meeting in your area.

Also, if you look around this site-starting with Newly Betrayed section and General Questions, you will start to see that all WS (Wayward Spouse) spew the same vile and hurtful stuff to justify their horrible behavior. It's referred to here as "Alien Brain". It seems that every WS
gets abducted to a mothership and has their brain scrambled to say the same thing when they return to planet earth.

So sorry you are suffering through this horror. Hang in there. You will find a lot of support here. I know I have.

Thank you so much for your reply. You're right. I do have to be the mama bear to her cubs. I had great difficulty finding an attorney who would represent me because WS conflicted me out of most of the local firms by consulting with them first. He knows just what to do - all the right moves.One of the lawyers I spoke with actually told me what WS has been saying for years to anyone who'd listen, about my inability to be a parent and his amazing skill in that regard. I did make contact with the Women's Legal Project, part of the Women's Bar Association and they were very understanding and helpful. They referred me to several lawyers and I took one, pretty much based on the fee discount he offered. He's a very hard worker and quite the fighter, but I was very disappointed in the way our first family court issue went. I've been so depressed and hurt by what WS did... I just love your explanation of WS being an alien and having had the trip to the mothership. I needed a laugh so badly I'd almost forgotten how good it feels. thank you for your support and info.

I know how you feel.

I was sooo sad and depressed that I truly felt I had a weight on my shoulders. My WH said horrible things to me, and even attacked my personality-saying that things that were fundamentally "me" had been hateful to him for 14 years. I now know he was justifying his actions and venting his hurt at being exposed. But it hurt so much at the time.

I finally went to my dr. and she put me on some AD's (anti-dpressants) for the anxiety of the situation-to help me keep from dwelling on things so much, and help with the stress related weight loss.

Exercise really helped too. Just walking. It was about all I could do.

In the Divorce Care workbook, we just went through the chapter on depression and how to start eliminating untrue beliefs that our WS's say to us to justify their sin, and also that we start to say to ourselves after being blindsided by them and their hurtful behavior.

Do you have a friend, pastor or sister you can talk with, to process all the crap-to vent-to say to you "what are you talking about-WH is a @*#*& (fill in your own word) what you're feeling is perfectly normal!"

I know that helps me. DD-24 is often my voice of reason. And I have a sister who struggled with her M as well. She gets it.

Did the Women's Legal Project have any resources to help you with the slander your husband has done to your reputation? That might be something to find out about.

Here's some advice my very-conservative,retired-Navy Dad gave me when I first got married and became an Army wife for a few years. It seems fitting for our circumstances:

"Don't let the b*$&@*#s get you down." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I'll be praying for you and your children.
Hang in there Mama Bear.