glad you said that before i did agg... cuz that is exactly where i was headed with that one!!! LOL

mlhb <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

i will agree that courtship when children are involved should not be rushed in any way. children should be around children of both future spouses. a connection should be made there. and future spouses need to be around eachother's children to build a connection and see eachother's kids at their best and worst. that does not happen over night.

my kids have both expressed interest in having step brothers and or sisters. they have also said they understand what a step parent is and that they are not opposed to it. now, saying is one thing and living it is another, but as i said before, our lines of communication are kept way open and we talk about any questions they have.

i have seen good and bad results of blended families. i have also seen good and bad results of remarriages with no kids inolved at all. again, it is called life and adjusting to change in my opinion.

mlhb

i been reading this topic today and something that was said by curious53 hit home....

my XW married the OP within 3 weeks of our D...made both my kids, 16 yr old D and 12 yr old S move, and forced an acceptance of the "new stepdad"...

both kids RESENT this guy....and i dont even have to get involved!!

just the other day my D and her mom were argueing about something that the OP (ill just call him that for simplicity) was trying to involve himself in and my XW refered to him as "stepdad"....she attacked her mom pretty harshly with the words that i considered the "saying of the year"....

her response was something like..."hes not my stepdad...hes just your stupid husband, and when he leaves you, you may not have your kids around either"...(theres much deeper issues here but i dont want to get into them right now)

now.....i realize this was disrespectful and out of line for ANY kid to say to a parent...me personally would probably ahve slapped her in the mouth...but.....when i asked what her mom said...

she said that her mom just changed the subject....

i realize that this is alittle different that what the original post was asking as this is a A-remarriage and it comes with its own set of problems...

but as for me personally...

i already made a decision to wait till at least my D is 18 to consider marriage to my GF.....even though both my kids right now SAY they would support it.....and my S has a GREAT relationship with GF...and my D....well....shes a pretty typical teen girl....(mad at the world!!!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

but as in any relationship it takes time to grow and the more time dating/courting...hopefully the better....at least thats what they say right??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> plus GF...has NO kids..(cant) and i dont want anymore.....

i think second marriage also have unique issues, that blending a family with teens or children only serve to make it harder....

i MUCH perfer the life on EZ street now, as im not to far from retirement and the last thing i want is added stress in a new marriage with a blended family...

now.......

along the lines what got me started and curious53 comment....

""For this reason, I had always resolved never to date a man with children. I did not want to relive the stress of living in a blended household as a step-parent.""

i personally have dated many women with kids....BUT......

i would NOT have a relationship with a woman with children....too many issues....

(sorry mlhb)..........i didnt mean to break your heart! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

gee bummer sturg... and i was soooo hoping you would father my next child. oh well... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

i will just have to muttle through with out ya sturg, it will be hard, but i know i can do it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

mlhb

you'll still get me out of any tickets i may get if i am in the so. california area tho right??? haha

This is my last comment on this one.

What do yall honestly think is better for the child.....A blended family that loves one another, and where the parents RESPECT, and show love to one another.....or a family where daddy/mommy are lying, cheating, disrespectful to one another and are never home, and out with OP.

Really, which do you think is the more stable sitch???

God Bless.....gotta go and tend to my family and kids (step included)

I'm not qualified on the topic of remarriage with children because I don't have any. I do know that I would be reluctant to get involved with a man that has children still living at home. I feel like AmericanBeauty - I like my calm and simple life.

I did, however, want to address this comment:
I am surprised that anyone in this day and age would refer to time spent not in a relationship as wasted. I know that I've accomplished much more in the 6 years that I've been alone than I ever have while in a R. Things I never would have been able to do had we reconciled.

I think it's a bigger waste of time to spend it in a hopeless relationship. The 'something is better than nothing' mentality is a neurotically based need. My chances may get slimmer as I get older but that scare tactic doesn't threaten me in any way because I think nothing really is better than having something just for the sake of having.

I have nothing but respect for people who chose to put their children first for awhile. There is plenty of time in a lifetime for everything - we don't have to do it all at once.

JMHO...

Thumb-up!

..but this wasn't the original question. No one said that staying in a bad marriage was better than remarrying after a divorce when you have children!

I'd love to say that every blended family I know is happy, but this simply isn't true. Even on this site there are threads about blended families and problems with the children involved. In many cases, we don't even heard the kid's point of view...I imagine it would be pretty sad if we did...

I have a 17 year old cousin whose parents are divorced. Dad remarried his secretary (ran off with her during his marriage to my Aunt). Skanky secretary has a son who is 18 years old. He lives with them. On the weekends that my cousin visits, her "stepbrother" attempts to sexually assault her. She doesn't tell her Father (because he blames HER for the unwanted "attention") and doesn't tell her Mom in order to keep the peace. It's sickening. I'm sure everyone has an opinion on what I should do, what my cousin should do and etc...but the point is SHE DOESN'T WANT TO UPSET THE APPLECART because these are her PARENTS. When you REMARRY you put your children in an awkward situation--they want to regain a "family" they want you to be happy, but you're essentially bringing what amounts to a STRANGER into your home to live with them.

Another case in point--my sister's bf lives with his Mom and stepfather. In this case, Mom remarried after Dad passed away. Stepdad HATES her Son and HATES my sister even more. Stepdad's crack addicted daughter is routinely allowed to 'crash' at their house while my sister's bf who is very responsible has things stolen (from his OWN house) and his bedroom trashed while he's at work. Mom tolerates this abuse of her son's personal property and living space because "his daughter has every right to stay in the house, too"....

So, you may live what you THINK is a fairy tale existence...but one day you might find out that your children are martyring themselves for the sake of your happiness.

What an absolutely wonderful thing to say. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Im sure 90% of the folks on this board thought they were going to live the fairytale existence. Noone knows the future, but I can tell you this after 5yrs of remarriage, I wouldnt go back to my EX for all the money in Dubai.

I also answered the original question on the first page. LOVE

mlhb......you go girl. There is nothing wrong with new, blended families, if the old ones were a nightmare.

Id much rather move on to a wonderful, loving partner (with or without kids) than to stay with lying, coniving, serial cheating, child bearing with the OP while married fool, that my kids had to call a parent.

Im out.

As aeri pointed out, these are not the only two choices.

I would much rather raise my children alone than with a partner, who while possibly loving, was resented by by children or resented my children, or whose children and mine didn't get along, or who wanted to raise my children differently than I want to raise them, or who doesn't find it hard to say no to another rabbit/kitten/puppy/guinea pig, or basically who doesn't love my kids as much as I do - which is essentially everyone else in the world.

My situation is slightly different in that I am dating a man who has no children of his own.

He has also known my children since they were both babies - and he's known me since I was 11!

On the one hand, I think it makes thing easier that he has no children. We wouldn't be a 'blended' family per se.

On the other hand, he has no experience with children at all, and the only time he ever had to deal with them was when my ex and I visited him on vacation.

Domestically he is very, very different from me. For example, his eating habits and his attitude to food appall me! He eats a lot of junk food, and then makes fun of the healthy food I prepare in front of the kids. This really p*sses me off, although I know he is only trying to make them like him by being funny. Our relationship is very long distance at the moment - we live in different countries and he visits when he can - and I am happy for it to remain like that for a while.

Alph.

Doesn't this prove my point? Everyone THINKS they'll live the fairytale existence, but in most cases, that doesn't happen...so why put your children through that?

The choice to marry is yours. The choice to have children is also yours. When you have children and are forced to leave your marriage, you have to live with the consequences. If that means that your children come before your own happiness ie: being remarried, then so be it! Why force your kids to live with a stranger just because you feel it's your entitlement? Essentially, you gave up your entitlement when your first marriage failed...

How stupid do you think children are??? Kids can see when their parents are unhappy, and can also see what mommy and daddy are really doing in the household. They are alot smarter than many give them credit for. By the way, my kids would tell me if they didnt like my wife a long time ago......they told me they didnt like mommys (married) boyfriend. Kids like peace and happiness and love in a marriage, not fussing, fighting, and daddy or mommy gone all the time with OP.

I didnt tell anyone in this thread to remarry at all......I said there is nothing wrong with it though, and if you were to remarry......why wait till you are 50?

Stay single forever for all I care.


PS......My stepson goes to his fathers house every other weekend per the divorce decree.....he asked his mom (my wife) if he could come home early last week.....he said "startinover plays with me", my dad doesnt.

It sounds like he is totally against a stepdad right?

My mom re-married when i was 7. My brothers were like 4 and 3. He adopted my brothers and I, and we took his last name. We were never kept from our bio-father, and all have a great relationship with him. He was an infidel when mom kicked him out.

I was raised in a Christian home, by a man I call DAD. He helped me with homework, helped me with my car, took me to cub scouts, boy scouts, and piano lessons. He gave up a single life and immediately took FATHER responsibility in his new family. He did everything a GOOD biological father would do. He did not cheat on my mom. He loves me, and considers me HIS SON.

We fought like rabid dogs my last year in high school and through college. I wanted to change my last name back to my birth name. And he loves me and considers me HIS SON.

I thank GOD that my mom re-married. She, too, sacrificed for my brothers and I. My dad is a fuddy duddy, strict, opinionated, narrow minded, (the list goes on). And he loves me and considers me HIS SON. And my brothers. He loves me and my brother as much as my mom does.

Some here could write the same thing about their biological father. Or maybe not....

Mom struggles with dad sometimes now. Turns out severe depression runs in his family, and he is probably manic depressive. She wanted to leave him so many times in the last 30 years. They are still together. She set a perfect example for my brothers and I. And my dad was a sterling example of INTEGRITY. HONESTY. FIDELITY. FINANCIAL MANAGEMENT. (bio-dad has made and lost millions...)

I am SO GLAD my mom re-married. I am proud of my DAD. I love him dearly. I thank GOD for him.

And it has not affected my lifelong friendship with my biological father.

Dad never brought other children into the mix. I can not speak about that dynamic, except to say he still would have been a GREAT DAD. He is not a stranger. He is/was God's providence for me and my brothers and my mother.

That is what I think about re-marriage.

far

Great story foundareason.......not all remarriages are a disaster, some are wonderful!!!!


Props out to your step-dad for being what a REAL dad should be.

I don't think women need men as much as men need women. And I'm not just referring to sex either. Obviously this is a major generalization, but I don't think it's a coincidence that a married man has a longer life expectancy than an unmarried man.

Yeah, but that's just because women don't let us get away before the honeydo list is done...

My mother and father divorced -- after a very unpleasant marriage for both of them, which we kids clearly saw made them MISERABLE. My mother married a widower -- my father married a divorcee. I never felt pushed out by anyone. I loved both my stepparents.

My stepfather didn't keep a picture of his dead wife in the living room, either -- although my stepbrother had her picture in his room, and my mother and stepfather saved her things in the attic for him.

My parents second marriages have gone on healthy and long. Mother and stepfather have been married more than twice as long as she was married to my father. Everyone is happy; everyone gets along well.

Remarriage does not in and of itself cause miserable, suicidal, dysfunctional children. Perhaps the key to success -- is letting go of the bitterness from the old marriages -- and having exes who also let go of the bitterness.

I have 3 kids that are all teens. I probably won't remarry until my youngest is 18, but that's only because it's less than 4 years from now, not because I don't think I should. The truth is, that I loved being married and part of a healthy relationship. I had the typical infidelity divorce, where he changed personalities and ran off with the OW. I remember life before that and I want to experience it again.

If my kids were all in grade school, there is no way on earth that I would wait more than a decade to find love again. But, I don't plan on marrying just anyone. I want the real thing and I will wait till that comes.

Loni

I agree.Even if I were to meet someone tomorrow,I would wait until my youngest was out of HS to get remarried.At that time it would seem reasonable too so then the issue of the homes could be resolved: either you both sell and rebuy a new one for the new marriage or the new spouse moves in but the kids are off to college so the anxiety of blending doesn't come into play as much.At least not on a daily basis.




Sturgis, I hope you weren't serious.I agree it was disrespectful to say those certain things to the W but it was her feelings and she has to get them out to the appropriate person.I would be sad for her if you did that and she also had to contend with the OM/step dad.