Help!
Yet another milestone crossed. WH & OW are moving in together but he can't afford to pay child support/??!!#$%$^%!

I want to send an email to them both stating.....
\

"I'm at a loss. What do you send a heartless homewrecker and a dead beat dad as a housewarming present?"

I am in denial that there is nothing to do to break thru the fog. and I hurt and although I'm going thru the motions of rebuilding a new life. (moving to another state)I want a better marriage and my WH to want to come home.

advice????


10/95 - started dating in college
6/01 - Married
9/01 - Moved (then lost friends in 9/11)
10/01 - WH's 1st EA affair #1 begins long distance
2/02 - Moved (to OW's town) I'm still unaware
4/02 - EA turns PA
WH picks up EA 2
Discovery of 1st EA
5/02 - Separated
6/02 - "Reconciled" w/o full disclosure
10/03 - DD #1
3/05 - DD #2
6/05 - Moved
9/05 - EA #3 begins
12/05 - Discussed inappropriateness of current EA
1/06 - Disclosure of 1st PA and #2 EA
(I believe he thought I'd leave and so he could
build EA #3)
2/06 - Began 'recovery' and Plan A but he still works with OW
5/06 - Divorce 'threats' begin
I enter IC
6/06 - Enter MC (lasted 3 sessions of phony)
7/23/06 - Moved to Plan B
7/24/06 - WH empties all bank accounts, steals my ID and checkbook (i'm a sahm)
7/25/06 - I see a lawyer. Legal/Financial safety
7/28/06 - Divorce papers served

MCM -
DO NOT email either of them. Believe me, i have been there -was this week as a matter of fact. I had a txt message set to go to OW telling her she could have my WH, that they deserved eachother. Didn't send it thanks to advice here...
You are better than that. Don't give them the satisfaction of knowing they've upset you - they don't derserve it, and you don't deserve to lower yourself to their level by communicating anything to them. Look on some of the threads on this board abotu the percentage of WH/OW relationships that actually work out...its very low.
If they're moving in together, let 'em - move on with your life and then watch thier relationship crash and burn. That could be the best revenge for what's been done to you.

Sorry you are going through this...

Better to slap his paycheck and garnish his wages. Go file for child support. Do you have a lawyer?

Nothing spoils an A more than NO $$$$$! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

You send a message by your silence which is far more persuasive than anything you can say.

This is what silence conveys:
You are an adult who makes your own decisions.
There is nothing I can say to influence your decision.
I am an adult who makes my own decision to not live with or pursue a man who makes choices that show lack of care towards me.

Tell yourself that your silence is the most powerful message you can send.

Respectful

Ughhh!

I know, I know of course I know.
But why can't I, as the BS, be the one to decide to turn off my love for him!!!!

I feel like my silence during this time has been quite a gift to them - the gift being the ability to be blind to and to deny the heart ache this has caused so many. i am sick of them receiving 'blessings'.
and them having each other while I am all alone to pick up the pieces!

let's explore the consequences of emailing or contacting....

Because your mind and heart are not in sync....yet. It will happen but it takes time and you can't rush it. So in the meantime, work on making yourself a better person, id your boundaries, setup your personal support group (including getting MC support - call Steve @ MB for phone counseling if you can), read, read, read....secure your finances, go to the doctor for some ADs if needed and be a part of your children's support group also. Present you and your children as a single family package.

Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. Also ask for lots of patience.

Take the EN questionnaire and read Surivivng an Affair, His Needs/Her Needs (both are by Harley). If it gets tough, read Love must be Tough (by Dobson).

Implement your boundaries after your mind and heart have sync'd up.

take care,
L.

mcm:
I can understand your feelings. However, I think your message to them would be an even greater gift. It would distract them from any cracks in their relationship and unite in opposition to you.

Also, if your objective is to make them aware of the heartache they have caused many people, your message doesn't really accomplish that. Instead, your message communicates an insult.

According to your bio, you are in Plan B. Presumably, your last real communication with your XH (aside from legal divorce stuff) was a Plan B letter that expressed your hurt. Hopefully, and legal, divorce or child-related communication that you must engage in also communicates your hurt (directly by naming the hurt, not indirectly by lodging insults).

Your children's hurt is not yours to express. It's theirs. The same applies to anyone else on XH's "Hurt List."

A friend of mine told me, right away after I exposed my H's A,

"Don't run interference for his conscience."

ANYTHING you write would be interference. Funny, but I read a book on parenting teens, and one thing in there was "Let them stew in their own juices."

What you are tempted to do in calling him a deadbeat dad and her a homewrecker is how wrong he is. What will his response be? To justify his actions, either to you or to himself.

SILENCE is removal of interference. It's a blessing, a gift to him. It's also a gift to yourself to realize that there is nothing you can do. It's up to him.

Respectful

see now there...
there is magic of this site. that is what i needed.

of course, the last comm. w/ WH wasn't Plan B letr.
nothing too destructive.

I've had 2 brief (20 min) non argumentative conversations w/very few sharp tongue comments (LB & DJ's) over the last 2.5 months. and we do 'talk $ and legal stuff' when exchanging the children.

but he is still a non remorseful, heartless WH.