Yes


No, however she may not have even seen it yet since I sent it on Friday afternoon.


Maybe and thinking of that makes me glad that I responded the way I did. If she is seeing the same idiot councelor that was our MC when she was actively having an A then I could defenitely see that happening.



I don't know if she just wants to talk and unload her reasons for the failure of our M or she really wants to give our M a try. It just seems way to early for her to want to reconcile. She may not even respond to my email...who knows.

Shattered, good to see you around...how are things?

You don't wanna know! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I'm the poster girl for what not to do! So as far as ExH goes, same ole, same ole. He wants to come back but never actually takes action. This is the 3rd time in about 6 months. This lasts time was the closest we ever got and the most honest he ever was, but he told me he had to go away with her for the weekend first. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> He told me she was nuts and would be very angry if he didn't go and it was just easier if he did. WTF?! Needless to say, we haven't made much progress.

On another note, I am doing much better personally. I don't cry as much, I'm happier, and when I hurt it doesn't last as long. That's progress my friend! I know I'll be okay.

I'm still hoping for a comeback though. I never did Plan B so I guess my time has come. I wonder if I had done it 6 months ago where we'd be now.

HTW, I see the handprints of her nimrod counselor all over this. Your W feels guilty and cut off because of your Plan B so the IC told her to try and "make friends" with you, starting with explaining all the "reasons" that led to her affair. [read: RATIONALIZATIONS] Course, I have no way of knowing if that is where the idea came from but it was the first thing I thought about when I saw her first email. It was her IC's idea based on your wife's DISCOMFORT with Plan B. And she is uncomfortable because you won't allow her to play "pretend friends" while she screws you over. Anyway, that is my take on her behavior.

The part that I like about this is the fact that he is not sure "what he wants"...which means he is in control...a huge part of this is having some control of what happens in his life...

Good luck Hope...!!

Shattered, I know you are divorced, but hearing things like this really makes me shake my head <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Their R has no hope as it is not a matter of IF but WHEN it dies.

Glad to hear you are doing better and I hope you get to where you want to be. I still think you are a CATCH! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mel, my WW's new best friend from work...the one who told my WW that OM "liked" her and promoted all this has been seperated for 5 years now. Her XH is a complete fool and he is still kissing up to her and asking to get back together. He is 35 years old and now lives with his parents, has no motivation and is a sorry father as well. I know for a fact that she and my WW make fun of him and when I hear that I remind myself that I will NEVER be him. He is pathetic.

Send me, I was just about to send you an email Friday morning telling you that I wasn't sure if I wanted her back when I received her email. The recent email has throwm me for a little bit of a loop.

I think I can honestly say that I would be talking to her and be having pizza at her house if it wasn't for everyone's help here. This site has been a godsend for me...thanks!

HTW,
Just catching up. So did she keep the kids for Thanksgiving?
I think my FWH/WH has been playing the let's be friends game....probably shooting for the ex w/ benefits grand prize. My friends treat me way better than WH....I don't know that he is good enough to be my friend.

Stick w/ your plan be until she is ready for full surrender. Just promising no contact is not enough. She needs to demonstrate that she is commited to M. Thats where I went wrong. I didn't set up what he needed to do to show he was committed to M...I caved from plan B too early (agian) because I wanted to believe him.

When my then xw decided to tell me what she wanted I responded with ...I can not just be your friend...

All or nothing.....that is my choice....

And WE were terrified of each other.....

Well she responded to my email response and it looks like she is not willing to meet my Plan B requirements. Back to going dark again. Below is her response.


Hi BS,

I received your email last week, I didn’t reply because I can’t give you what you want without addressing the issues I have...so it is what it is…and we’ll leave it at that.

She was testing the waters. You did good! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

10 bucks says she will e-mail again........
It seems funny that she says she got your e-mail last week and she didn't reply.........isn't that e-mail from her?
I'd call that a reply.

You did awsome. I've been following along here in the shadows and I think you are doing great for yourself here.

Give her another week....she is probably wondering why you haven't e-mailed her back to see what this meant......... Sure she wants to address her issues. She should have no questions about this OR any issues re: you.

I'm sure you are wondering what they are but DON"T you dare ask her.
You will find out in time my friend... You have waited this long, hang in there.
She's just testing you again to see if you are curious but your not giving it a second thought. Right?

Sorry man, but that e-mail has me laughing my a$$ off.

You ignoring it just makes me proud to know ya. LOL

Jeff

I agree; she doesn't yet realize that in "giving you what you want" you will be addressing any and all issues she may have... by working on your marriage together. Due to your exemplary work, I have no doubt that realization is just a matter of time.

I certainly wouldn't reply to this (it was indeed a fishing expedition on her part), but anything else she sends (excepting do do with child issues), just the first time, cut and paste your "conditions" back to her from your Plan B letter if she is requesting contact. After that... silence.

Man, she is so confused! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> She can't believe you didn't jump at her offer. Then in true WS style she turned it around being the victim because her issues didn't get top billing! The nerve of you NOT grabbing those crumbs she threw out! I'm so proud of you...you handled the task w/strength & graciousness...you reinforced your boundaries. YOU ROCK!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

{{{HTW}}}}

I'm in total shock as I just received the following email from my WW and don't know how to repsond. The fog seems to be finally clearing. HELP!


Hi BS,

This email might come too late, but I wanted to tell you that I miss you.

I know you wanted a recommitment to our marriage, and I want to be able to give that to you and to us, but I can’t until we fix some of the mistakes we’ve made along the way. I know I’m responsible for most of the mistakes and I know I’ve said sorry before but I’ll say it again if you want me to.

I wanted to know if you would like to come over for dinner on Saturday night with me and kids. When the kids go to bed we could spend some time talking about our relationship.

If you’ve moved on and no longer want me, I understand.

HTW:

Sounds like there may be something there this time.

But still: TREAD CAREFULLY. It would be IDEAL if she would agree 2 coaching with one of the Harleys as a means of giving you 2th the chance 2 determine the other's sincerity this time.

I would especially be careful of meeting under circumstances where your emotions might have a tendency 2 rule your senses. But it's your call.

-ol' 2long

2Long...true dat

Be wary of the "maybe you're ready for us to get along for the kids sake"

I like the idea of having her talk to Dr. Harley. You'll get a good guage whether she is interested in Marital Counseling versus divorce counseling.

I also think getting together with the kids over dinner to discuss marital reconciliation is a bad idea. They may just be getting used to the fact you guys don't get along and are not going to be talking. Might be tough on them to all get together and not have things work out. Don't want to give them a false hope. If it works out they will be overjoyed with the result but the adults should be able to do that alone and in private first.

Mr. Wondering

HTW,

bOb pure* posted this to you earlier in this thread




It was sound advice when she initially contacted you for a 'pizza' dinner. Doesn't it still apply today?

Echo, echo.

How about an email re-stating Plan B, and ask if the affair is over and if no contact is established before agreeing to go over. Just be sure the latest invitation is not a water wearing away the rock repeat of last month's invitation. Be very sure.

Well, she's reaching out...could be a start, but it's VERY dangerous grounds.

Perhaps an email asking her to outline the things that she knows that need to be addressed...and in that email provide a list of the things that YOU know need to be dealt with ( in other words, your Plan B list).

If she continues to waffle...back to the darkness.

WS's are not usually rational beings who can understand what you say the way you intend it to be taken.

They do have feelings too.

IF she is just starting to understand what she has done, she needs help getting from where she was, to where she needs to be.

Plan B was/is to protect you. If you can't stand the damage this MIGHT do, stay in plan B, and seek D.

If you want to try, and you feel you can afford to try (meaning emotionally) then meet with her.

I don't think you need a contract with her before you can try. It is my feeling that most of us here worry about your feelings and want to protect you. The advice you are getting seems to reflect that.

Take a look inside. What can you stand? What do you want?

Take a look at what may happen if you do meet with her. Best case, and worse case.

Remember she has feelings, and that feelings may mean more to her than logic. She needs to know you can love her again. She may not understand your need for protection.

"Dear W,
There are two parts of me fighting inside over this. One part is afraid of being hurt again. I haven't avoided you because I don't love you. I avoided you because it hurt so much I couldn't take it any more.

The other part of me wants so much to talk to you, and hold you again. I want to be your husband, with all that that entails, not just a friend.

I am willing to talk if you are wanting to work on our marriage again. I know we need some kind of starting point.

Tell me what you are feeling. It's important for me to know."


Now, you should use your own words, and convey your feelings about it -
Be honest, but consider her feelings and that she may need to be reassured.

It could be a trap - you need to understand you could be hurt again.

All the best.

SS

2long, I've waited along time for this from my WW as I was starting to wonder if she would ever come around. I'm not as excited as I thought I would be and I guess it is because there are still many unknowns. So I will take it VERY slow and see what she wants to discuss. If it a regurgitation of the blame game then I will be out of there in a heart beat.

Her email suggests she is taking most of the blame for the problems in our M which is HUGE since she hadn't acknowledged any of her shortfalls in the past 2 years. So I am encouraged by her humbleness.

AskMe if you are still around and reading this, know that for the last year I have prayed for a humble and broken WW.

Mr W., circumstances dictate that I will have to meet at her house and I kind of like this since it will take the focus off of us.

SL, Bob's advice was excellent at the time and I'm glad I followed it as she has become even more remorseful since I took that hard line. There is no plan on coming out of Plan B and I don't want to completely break my WW. She has met my Plan B conditions of NC with OM and wants to commit but needs to discuss things first so I will give her that opportunity.

BB, I replied to her and stated I need 100% certainty that there is NC with OM now and FOREVER as an absolute minimum requirement for any discussions. She replied by saying they don't work together any more and have had no reason for contact.

Owl, the email was sent which explicitly outlined my conditions (NC with OM) to which she has been if for some time. I will bring up MC after I see how the conversation goes.

SS, I think you nailed it as she seems to be slowly crashing. She has been going to IC and is trying to rebuild relationships with her family. When her best friend (true old friend not new enabling friends) called her for her b-day she started sobbing. Later her husband told me that she is different now and not the indignant person she was a year ago...more humble.

When I asked for confirmation that NC is in place and that I need ACTIONS to support her WORDS to rebuild truth she replied by stating "please don't hold it over my head". So it will be a fine line between getting what I need to feel safe and not rubbing it in her face.

So let the hard part begin...