About a year ago my wife was completly withdrawn. She made the typical WW comments that I have read so many times here."I need space","I love you, but I dont know if Im in love with you any more. There was no SF for around five months. I tried and tried to get her to talk to me. She did spend quite alot of time on the computer. She did get angry as I often peeked over her shoulder to see what she was doing. I asked her if there was someone else. "She said she would not ever be with someone else even if she left me".

Things were pretty rough for awhile, but have gotten much better now, however,it is up and down. Things will go along well for a few weeks and the next thing I know she turns at the drop of a hat for no apparent reason. She seems to come back around after about a week. We went for some MC but it really didnt seem to help much. I just cant picture her fooling around with another man, but we all know that can happen.

I found this site a few months ago, and I cant get over the fact that all of these WS comments were so similar to what I was hearing from my wife. I have been working on plan A, I tried to get her to fill out the EN questioner. She started it, but never finished it. I did see what she had started and she slammed me pretty hard. I keep asking her to finish it and she says "OK" but never does.

I cant seem to get over the possibility that something was or could be still going on. I have asked her and she tells me No.

Anyone have thoughts?

Thanks!

I'll bet not 1 in 10 cheaters ever admit it when asked flat out. Some don't even do so after confronted with hard evidence.

Start doing some checking on your own. What you have observed so far from your wife's behavior has many characteristics of infidelity.

Put some spyware on her computer and you will soon have your answer. Be prepared for the worse and if good news comes then it will be all the better.

Know this fact, there is a cause behind her behavior. Leave no stone unturned to surface it.

Mr. G

Totally agree with Mr Goodstuff.

Put a keylogger on her comp, use that to get her login and passwords to her IM's and emails, and look around.

And I agree...be prepared for the worst...have a plan for how you want to handle things if you DO find out she's involved with someone.

I agree with Mr. G as well,
if you feel soemthign is going on and may be tied to her time on her computer, a keylogger is your best bet. As mentioned above, be prepared to be shocked with horrible truth, or to be proven wrong which will make you feel 100 times better.

I've been through this myself, and I still have the keylogger on my wife's pc to this date.
In my situtaion, the keylooger helped me discover that my wife continued an email affair that she promised to end, and caught her a 3rd and 4th time again.

Infact our marriage nearly ended just yesterday because my keylogger showed me that she contacted the OM the day before.

So, If you want to know the truth, try a keylogger. If you don't know what it is just google "keylogger".

Agree that you need to find out what is going on here. In addition to a keylogger, you should check her cell phone bill to see who she is talking to.

A good keylogger is actmon at www.actmon.com. Install it in invisible mode and then run your anti-spyware and anti-virus to see if it picks it up. If so, then program them to ignore it. You can even program it to email the reports to you daily so you can read them from another computer.

Find out what she is doing and come back here and tell us BEFORE you do anything with the information. We will help you with a strategy.

Thank you all for the quick responses.

I had the opportunity to search her car, looked through her purse, and looked at all the phone numbers stored on her phone. I could not come up with anything. However, I did notice when she was on the computer she has more than one email address. She said she gets less spam that way.

We got a sitter this weekend, I took her out to supper and to see a local band that she likes. It was a nice evening, she looked great. It was hard to be thinking in my mind that she may be doing something behind my back.

I am not that great with computers. Do the external keyloggers work well? How do you retrieve the information off them? Any thoughts on how I could order one without using my credit card? She pays the bills. My card is at a "0" balance(I wish I could say that about hers)and she would notice and question what it is. She has been a stay home Mom for the last 12 years and is currently a student.

Thanks again everyone!

You may want to think about a private detective. Look, there is no easy way to say this. If your W is anything like mine she may have buried it and decided to move on.

I got the ILYBIANILWY speech during WITHDRAWAL!! I di dnot know it at the time. I paid for a PI because she said she had to work evenings. While it was not uncommon for someone in her position to work late the PI did not catch anything because it was all contact via the phone at work, her cell phone (from work) and her work e-mail.....

As far as a keylogger goes...read up on them over the internet. external or external do not matter, you need access to all e-mail accounts and her e-mails....past and present... Find a way to have her followed at school...do not confront her...I used to pride myself on how much I trusted my W...and how I could "tell when she lied"....well...she was a good liar and I was bad at catching her....

The fact that she is a SAHM going to school troubles me....her getting attention from a 20 something year old student spells trouble....

Follow your hunches....if it smells like crap, looks like crap, seems like crap.....IT'S CRAP!!!!

Send me,

I think you may be right, She may have buried it.

Things have been going pretty well in our marriage. However, all of a sudden I have noticed she has been using the computer alot more frequently again. She was using it a few times a month and now it has been around five times a week. This has sent up a "Red flag" in my mind.

Also, It does concern me that she is going to school with all of those younger men. But, I just cant see her with a young 20 something man as she has a 21 yr old son. Although, I am sure she would enjoy having a younger man interested, but only in a way that she would feel "Attractive". I do tell her she is beautiful, but I dont think it means much from me.

I need to figure out a way to get a keylogger without using my credit card and having it sent to my home.

Does anyone know any chain stores that sell them?

Thank you in advance.

Tu2

I know Harley recommends spying on your spouse and exposing an affair. In fact, I followed his advice and called the woman's husband with what I knew who then got the truth out of his wife and told me.

I regret having called the husband.

Why? Because you cannot coerce care. You cannot guarantee fidelity. AND spying, at least for me, made me feel tawdry.

Consider another approach. Ask her if there is anything you can do with her that she would enjoy. Ask her if there is anything you do that bothers her that you can change.

What I have learned is that the person who cheats often thinks their spouse doesn't care. In fact, it is the cheater who has lost care for the spouse. You may get the question answered if your spouse is cheating if you spy. Do you want to be in a marriage in which part of your job is to keep your spouse from cheating or to determine if your spouse is cheating?

Concentrate on showing care by asking her what you can change in your behavior today to eliminate the negatives and increase the positives.

Respectful

Thanks respectful,

That was good advice, I will definatly ask her if there is something we do not do that she would enjoy doing. I will also ask her what I can change about me that may bother her.

Tu2

TornUp, I will have to disagree with Respectful, [and so does the expert, Dr. Harley] there is nothing "tawdry" about snooping; that is silly. Snooping can save your marriage in that it can show you the truth so you can save you marriage from an affair. If you don't know the truth, you can't very well address the problem and spying is the best way to find the truth. Had I not spied on my H, I would not have found out about my H's affair and I would not have saved my marriage. It is no more "tawdry" than the Feds spying on drug dealers.

Getting the truth out on the table is the first step in your effort in saving your marriage. So, don't hesitate to snoop.

Secondly, exposure of an affair is simply the most potent tool you have in your arsenal. Exposure is ruinous to affairs, which is why Harley recommends it. So stick with what he recommends, TU, he is the expert and has saved untold # of marriages.

While it IS important to learn to meet her needs and care for her, all that is for naught if the affair is ongoing. She cannot respond if she is in the throes of an affair. This is why you must do what you can to kill the affair. This is why Plan A is a TWO PART effort: the carrot and the stick. Without both, it is a lopsided, wasted effort.

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

TU...How old is she?? When I was 19 -20 years old age did not matter....DO NOT EVER DISCOUNT the opportunity...EVER....it is a much too often mistake....

In my own case , even though she had broke it off when I got "the speech"...there was still contact for a couple of years...all of it via telephone, e-mail or social events for work. So if I was diligent I would have found out. It is one of those nagging issues for a BS, if I really cared why didn't I see it??

So...be diligent...and the computer is HUGE...you must gain SECRET access to her e-mail accounts...just gather evidence...and NEVER name your source....

Send is exactly right. I know a few 40-something women who have actually MARRIED 20-something guys for this very reason. Oddly, 20 something men are often attracted to women in my age group. [mommy complex??] To most of us it is downright creepy. But to some, it is VERY APPEALING. So don't even think for a minute that an attraction to a 20-something boy is out of the realm.

Send and Mel,

Thank you both for your input.

You are both right, When I was in my twenties and single, it really didnt matter how old a woman was. When I was out playing the field all it took was an attraction. Although I was not interested in any married women. I guess I figured she would not have any attraction for someone as old as her son.

My wife is 39 and she is very attractive. This is her second marriage and my first. She has lost alot of weight over the last year, bought alot of new style clothes and changed her appearance. As we all know this could be a sign of an A. It could also be a way of feeling young again.

I must gain access to her email...Somehow...

Can you get on her computer and download some spyware?

REMEMBER...do not tip your hand with the spyware....there are plenty of folks that can help you here....best kind is an invsisble key logger so you can get passwords and usernames to ALL e-mail accounts...

DO NOT DISCLOSE YOUR SOURCE OF INFORMATION EVER...!! Print out e-mails and save some where...but for god's sake...man up and do something.....even if its worng :-)

Maybe get a charge card in your name only. Have the bills sent to your work. Pay it off and close it.

Or have a trusted friend or relative buy it and pay them in cash.

Some retail places *might* have keyloggers in stock; a charge to Best Buy or Circuit City could easily be explained away.


Offer to start taking care of the bills - to ease her school burden and give her more time to study. If she's doing something she shouldn't be, you need to be able to quickly and decisively take control of the finances.

Find a way to look at her credit card bills and cell phone records. Does she get printed copies or are they all electronic?

And sendme is right - if you find anything incriminating, print multiple copies and hide them somewhere safe. If she is doing something and you confront, her first instinct would be to destroy evidence.

Email me at ohmelodylane@aol.com and I will help you with this.