Well Here Goes,

I found out on Sept 4th that my wide was having an affair with a contractor from another state. They later cooresponded though email which is how I eventually found out. I confronted her and she admitted to the affair. She says that she was planning on ending this affair the next weekend - yea right!

I'm told they were only together sexually four times, but each time she went back for more, which just tears me apart and leaves me with lots of questions about what happened and about myself. The emails profess love for this man in many letters and ecards. I dont know if I want to know any more specifics?

I had no idea I could be emotionally ruined like this. Its been four weeks now and I am still a mess - How long can I expect to feel like this. I have loved this woman from when I was 23 and thats been quite a few years now, like 26 years.

Anyway she says its now over, but I have no way to really tell for sure. I have contacted the WS and revealed all to my W's dislike - She threatened to leave me if I called this woman - I did anyway and not out of spite.

We have sought counciling as she says she wants to work on the marriage and are currently reading many books on the subject. I have already read suggested reading here - books anyway.

So whats next and what can I expect - I never thought I would be here - I feel so ashamed

I feel I need to be with her constantly and on the other hand I hate her more then anyone

Hi
I am sorry you have to be here, but this is a good place to get the best advice.
I just wanted to tell you to take it one day at a time now, otherwise the pressure is too strong.
And please don't feel ashamed. I went through the same feeling and it is not right. Whatever your responsibility in the relationship, you were not the one who had an A.
You trusted her, and that's nothing to be ashamed about.
Read Surviving an Affair if you have not done it.
Do you have kids?

What do you mean by "WS?" Do you mean the other man's WIFE? I hope that is what you mean because that is an important step.

One of hte first and most important things that needs to happen is absolute no contact with the OM. Will she send him a letter asking him to never contact her again? Will she promise no contact?

i am going to link you to some articles that will help you understand what needs to happen next. This will give you something to work on for now, but you do need to get a couple of books from this website that will be extremely helpful to you: Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley.

Sorry you are here, LC, but you have come to the right place. While it seems bleak right now, it is possible to recover from this with a great marriage with much work. Welcome aboard.

Sample no contact letter:

Dr. Harley?s (From SAA)

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she?s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

How to survive infidelity: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

Yes we have three kids 25, 23 and 19. They are aware of whats happening but we tend to keep this between us

Who did you mean when you said you called the "WS?"

I did contact the OW and revealed to her what was happening, much to my W dislike. She threatened to leave if I did. She didn't want the A to heart any others.

The NC is difficult these days as there is so much freedom and the ability for secrecy on the internet. I know he has called her at work before I contacted his W.

Now I'm not sure now if contact is being made. My W assures me there is no contact?

Yea sorry the other mans wife

Ok, gotcha. The other man's wife is referred to as OMW. You did absolutely the RIGHT THING in telling her. That was a devastating blow to the affair. Hopefully, you told her everything you knew about the affair including your W's name. Most WS' [wayward spouse] threaten to leave if you tell the OM's spouse but they never do. It is just an idle threat to prevent you from interfering with her affair.

Right now the most important thing is to make sure the affair is really over. You CANNOT trust anything your W says at this time. You have to check her veracity on your own. I would suggest that you start spying on her to make sure the affair has truly ended. You should also STAY in touch with the OMW to compare notes so you can both work on killing the affair.

You can start by placing spyware on her computer. You can download it on www.actmon.com and have the reports emailed to you daily at another email address.

You can also check her cell phone bills and place a voice activated recorder in her car. If you think she is talking to him from your home phone, you can place a tap on that phone.

But, your first order of business is to kill this affair. That is when recovery can really start.

OM = other man
OMW = other man's wife
WS - wayward spouse
WW = wayward wife
BS = betrayed spouse

DD = darling daughter
DS = darling son

Thank You for responding! Its been four weeks now and I feel less a wreck then previous weeks. But I still have problems and sex with W now just isn't the same for me now, early on I needed her, now I don't look forward to this? I just don't understand all that I am going through emotionally. Am I giving up inside? Is this going to push her back to the OM? Do I mask my dislike for sex with her? I keep thinking of her with the OM. I believe my W has broken all conatact with OM, but I can't be sure. She says she has to work today - Saturday.

At this point its day to day and its been 30 days now?

LC, your feelings are perfectly natural. What she did was a huge lovebuster. You can get over it, though, with the proper attention to recovering your marriage.

I cannot emphasize to you the imporatance of making sure this affair is over. If she is going to work today, I would follow her and make sure she is really there. Affairs rarely end this cleanly so it is not uncommon for them to continue for a while. So, I would check out her whereabouts and also put in call to the OMW to see where he is. VERIFY EVERYTHING!

Your W and the OM don't work together, do they?

Did you see what I wrote above about asking her to send the OM a NC letter?

A Couple problems. W knows I do not have access to vechile today, so I can not check up. The OM is typically 4 hrs away, he is a contractor at my W's work and when he visited in the past is when they physical part of the A occured (He would sneak into town). Otherwise they would talk on phone or emial through yahoo.

See did bring her work phone records, but they were only outgoing calls, no incoming? Which W tells me is typical for businesses? And she also tells me the call on the records to OM were from other workers involved with the job.

My ability to cope is drawing thin, which is affecting other parts of our relationship

If you can't go there, it should be easy enough to call the OMW and verify his presence. You could ask for her help in making sure the affair is over by keeping in touch. You could also call her at work today to stay in touch.

Does she call you when she is gone and stay in touch? That is something she should be doing to rebuild trust.

If there is a chance she will still see him at work, she will have to leave that job. Did you know that? Absolute no contact is the only way the affair can end. If she sees him at work, she will be in a state of perpetual withdrawal and you will be dealing with an on again, off again for YEARS. Please don't doubt that for a minute. We have several long term affairs on this forum that resumed because of that very thing.

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html


Mimi wrote: Check this out from the How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS..one of my favorite pieces of reading material...

p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

LC, you will have a problem coping for quite some time. An affair is a huge blow to a marriage that will take YEARS to recover from. It is a devastating blow that is as traumatic as the death of the child. You are not going to "get over it" in 30 days. You are looking at 12 months AT BEST. You will go through all the stages of grief that a grieving parent will endure. And this is in a marriage where the wayward does everything to rebuild trust and repair the damage, such as total transparency, honesty about the affair and committment to making the marriage better.

Sorry I posted the same info twice

Best to keep your story on one thread. It will be easier for people to follow so that you may get more help as time goes by.

LC, did you read any of my posts to you?

Update

Was going through the phone records my W provided and the times just weren't adding up that W and OM had spent to gether. I confronted W and a arguement ensued. She came home from work and admitted she had lied about the time she had spent with the OM. She admitted that they had gotten a hotel room minutes away from our home to spend more time together....Now I pissed again....Like back to square one...She still lies?

She also commented that she viewed her affair as a vacation, one where the weather is always nice, always sunny, everone is always laughing....But a vacation she said she always new would come to an end......This admission didn't leave me in good spirits to say the least.

All this info 5 weeks after I found out.... After much emotion I was able to stomach everything and try an specd a good evening together (Saturday)... which we did.. Today I still hurt (Sunday)

A WS will always lie. Did you read or comprehend any of ML's posts?

Can't help you much if you keep wondering about a WS. They are not logical critters you know.

L.