I desperately want to save my marriage. H's current behavior is fence sitting. I already filed for divorce, only for financial support. I thought it might also make him take a closer look at himself and what he wants.

Now he is demanding to return home to get some of his items, but insists that Im not home when he comes. (I changed the locks when he left) Should I let him get the rest of his belonging? Advice please!

I think you need to let your WH suffer the consequences for his choices.

When my WH lost his job due to his failed EA, and then physically separated from me-I made him pay me for the extra $ it cost to put him back on my insurance (over $300 a month).

When his separation became more than just a month "to figure out" his feelings, I asked him for MY house key back. When he asked why, I told him if we (his wife and kids) couldn't have access to his life, why should he just be able to drop in any time.

If your WH wants some of his belongings, I'd bag 'em up and leave them on the porch. He doesn't need to be in your house if he's not choosing to be in your life.

Keep strong!

notkimmiez,
Sorry to find you here under these circumstances... it sounds like a lot of water has traveled under the bridge already. Perhaps you could provide a more detailed description ofyour situation... like ages, dates, what you know/understand about the affair, what you've done so far, etc.... there are steps in the process to saving your marriage, so it will help the posters here to give you good advice if they know more about your situation....

Short of this information.... as for letting your WH in the house to get his stuff.....If the court orders you to let him have personal belongings, then let him have them, but you should be there when he does....

If he doesn't have a legal claim to possessions in the house then you should not let him have anything....

If your desire is to save your marriage, then you should be communicating this to him... if he wants his stuff, they're waiting for him here at the house when he gives up the OW and recommits to this marriage.... keep telling him, 'you are doing whatever it takes to save your marriage" and that you, "Want a great marriage with him"

You aren't alone... the advice you will get here once you've updated us on your sitch.... will be sound....
Good luck,
Heartsore

My story. M 6 yrs together 11. 2nd M for me (45), 1st for him(38). I thought we had a secure trusting relationship. My husband plays in a local rock band (not wild n crazy party people). In the past I have always went with him to most of his shows. But in the last 9mths I wasn't able to go as often. I have 2 kids(15/18) from my previous marriage and was attending to their needs. Our relationship emotional/physical didn't change during this time. Our physical relationship was always great up until the day he left. He even expressed that "if we could stay in bed we wouldn't have any problems".

I started to notice that he was acting distant and depressed (for about a mth). He has suffered from depression in the past, so I thought this was happening again. I gave him his space while also giving him support, love and attention.

H has a myspace. He said he was promoting his band on the myspace. There was alot of inappropriate postings from females, and I asked that he remove these from the myspace page, because I felt it was disrespectful to me and I didn't want our kids to see it (we all had myspace pages). He did, but gave me a negative attitude for it. The next time I checked his myspace, he had marked the site private, so I couldn't see his comments that were posted. I asked him why and then he told me it was to keep me and the kids out of the drama of myspace. I told me that was bs that he was hiding something from me. I requested his login and password, which he gave me and I didn't find any thing on the site but he could have removed it before he gave me the password. He left 10 days later telling me the marriage was over, that he has been unhappy for a long time.

I discovered the A 5 days later. Since then he has displayed the typical A behavior towards me, agressive and nasty. It's been 3mths since he left(7.10.06).

I immediately exposed the A to his/my family and to my closest friends. Just recently I exposed the A to as many band friends that I could. The response was positive towards me, as most of them are females. I found out more information about the A by contacting the band friends. The OW persuded him knowing that he was married. She's D with 2 kids. Sad to report that OW is pregnant with H's child.

I don't know what to do! Should I plan B? We only communicate by email. He has mellowed in the past mth, sending me emails saying that he will "meet with you soon", "I'll give you my phone number soon", "call you soon", "I hope everything is ok", and "I'm sorry I didn't mean to be so cold by that last email". Fence sitting behavior. Once I found out about the pregnacy, he told me that he wouldn't communicate with any longer and to loose his phone number (he gave me the number the day before).

How should I proceed? I feel like it's pointless to try to save my marriage with all of these problems. H has put a wall up and I don't see a way over it. Please point me in the right direction.

The OW is after his $$. Go secure it for you and your family.

The OW is probably using the prego as a tool. Until you get full DNA proof, don't give anything to him to give to the OW.

Do full background check on the OW and expose.

L.

johnstwin, thank you for your reply.

The problem is that H has a legal right to enter the house, its in his name too. I want to be here when he comes into the house, but he wants to come at his convenience, when I'm not here. I don't trust him and worried that he will take my personal things just to be mean.

He wants to call the police to oversee the breaks in. Is there any way to stop this? Will putting his belonging on the porch satisfy him or only add fuel to the problem? Any suggestions on how to handle this.

Orchid,

I never thought about that $$$. H does present himself like he has alot of money, but he doesn't. He makes a good living, but spends more than he makes.

I don't know the OW last name, only her first name. I do have her phone number, but it's unlisted. Any suggestions on how to get this information with asking H?

Follow her or get a PI. It's not rocket science. I'd look at getting a RO.

bigkahuna

Sorry, but what is RO?

Restraining Order

zaba_search(dot) com. remove the _ and the space....change the (dot) to a '.'

You may even want to pay for online search. You may be surprised what you find. In some states you can even do criminal background check.

Don't ask or tell the WS anything. You do your research on what you already know.

Name
Address
SS#
phone#
work
Vehicle lic #
Driver lic #
Date of birth
County records
Criminal record
Public record access (depending on locality)
Property records

Stay within the letter of the law. If you find it hard t/d and can hire a PI, let them do the research.

That's a start. Any one of those items will get you started.

L.

Orchid,

How do I handle his rage? I exposed the A to friends by email, then send emails with the news of the OW pregnacy. H called me this morning so upset. Did I cross the line when I sent the emails out letting our friends know that he got the OW pregnant?

I know that I shouldn't have taken the call, but I couldn't resist. How should I respond to his questions of why I told everyone about our person business? My response was calm and only said "what do you want me to say, I thought that everyone needed to know". I'm not sure how to handle his anger. Should I just continue being calm? Please help!

NK,

You can have the locks changed, do not give him a key. He may have a right to neter the house, nut not when you are not there. Do you have a key to where he is staying? Can you come and go there as you please?

His rage is his and his alone. Next time he goes off about exposing to everyone ask him why he feels this should be a secret. If this is truly the love to end all love, his soul mate, the love story of all time etc... then why is he upset that you are letting everyone know. It will throw him for a loop and he probably won't have an answer. It will plant a seed that will grow over time and maybe pull him out of the fog. It will make him very mad though. If OW is pregnant you might want to put it in the paper like an engagement announcement. You know like birth announcements might be funny to watch his reaction to that!

Eagle15

Would putting it in the paper be considered harrassment? He has been acussing me of that already, because I've called our friends looking for support when he left. He is a very angry person.

I'm really afraid that when he comes out of the fog and realizes all of his bad decisions, that he might break down. I know thats his problem, but I love him and I'm really concerned.

The OW comes from a lower standard of living area (wrong side of the tracks) than he usually expects. Someone said that she probably got pregnanton purpose to catch him for his $$ that he doesn't have. What do you think?

notkimmiez,

Do your research on her and do not call him. It will drive him mad, as he will want to know what you are doing and he WILL call you. CREATE A VACCUUM OF INFORMATION FROM YOU DIRECTLY AND HE WILL FEEL THE NEED TO FILL IT. Do NOT call him.

It is time to act. You call the police and tell them you are worried. He wants in, after leaving you, and wants you to allow him in when you are not there. Put the police protection on your side.

Do you know where he lives - address?

Oh calling your friends looking for support is not harrasment unless THEY ask you not to call. He cannot file harrasment unless he is actually being harrassed hmself and he isn't. He is in the fog and will be like this as you have exposed his nasty little secret. Can you think of anyone else you can expose to?

I think Eagle gave you a good answer - when he calls (and he will if you stay silent to him) Ask him why he is ashamed of his "wonderful love". Tell him you love him and will never be nice and keep his secret about the affair which is ruining your marriage. You love him dearly but will not stand silent while he has an affair. If she is good enough for him to create a child with, then she is good enough to be known publicly as his pregnant OW. Stay calm with a level voice when you say this.

Be strong in exposing him.

What do you want to do now, are you in plan A or are you thinking he has forced you into plan B by leaving? you have time, he cannot force you to take any action.

Put his clothes on the porch in a waterproof sack, or you could send him a message that you are at the police station with his clothes and he can meet you there to give you a list of what else he wants. turn the tables and tell him you will have the police help you for your own comfort. Say this in a gentle voice if he calls you.

Go to radio shack and get a recorder that attaches to a phone line. They are about $100.00. Check the law in your state about this. You could tell him you are recording him when he calls. At least call and talk to a PI, they will know. Say the anger he displays is fearful for you, and you just want to love him and mend the marriage, but you find his aggressive calls disconcerting.

Linda

Ask your H why he wants to keep OW and the future OC a secret? If he loves her and wants to be with her and not you.........he should be announcing it himself, not hiding it in secret.

This is very typical. OW has upped the ante and got pregnant to get your H to leave you. You need to protect yourself until you know what is going on and what you want to do. Expect your H to continue lying. My mistake was that I thought he was telling me the truth about what he wanted after I found out about the A. No way. No truth for along time.

Don't be fooled.

I am so sorry about the A and the OC. That makes it so much worse. I know, I have lived it. It is recoverable, but it will take a lot of work and remorse on the part of your H. I don't think he is even close yet.

Hang in there. Get as much info as you can. Find a good lawyer and keep them handy, you will need one for D or for dealing with DNA and CS issues if you and H stay together.

Good luck!!!

SP,

I don't know where he's living. He only told me that me moved to the other side of town (where she lives) for a change of scenery. His sister said he has an apartment, so he might not be living with the OW yet.

He did call me this morning. I had emailed the band friend with the pregnancy news. He was upset about it and wanted to know why I did it. I told him "what do you want me to say" "I thought you didn't want anyone to know". (all in a calm voice) This just set him off a little bit more, I don't even remember everything he said. Was that a good answer?

I feel that Plan A didn't work. My IC wants me to stop reading his emails, because it really stresses me out, I'm consumed with them. I check and recheck to see if he has sent anything. It's sad that he can control me without being with me. I do feel like I'm being pushed into Plan B. Three weeks ago I stopped contact(responding to his emails), it only took him about 7 days to call me. So I think I'll stay with Plan B. Let me know what you think about that decision. Can I switch back to Plan A if he seems more receptive?

As for what he wants out of the house, he has all of his personal items, he just wants pictures and odds and ends in the house. I do feel he can wait to get these things. I think he's just trying to get to me by threatening me.

In my state you cannot use a recorded conversation as evidence unless the party consents.

Let me know what you think about Plan A or B. And if you think its time, let me know Plan A long distance.

Thank you LBelle.

The OC was really hard to hear. It sucked the hope out of me. H didn't want kids and he was already gone before OW got P. What were they thinking. They don't really even know each other, how can they think that this will work out....I was told that her husband just left her, so they are both on the rebound. Does this make a difference?

I have an attorney. I filed for D on the grounds of Adultery and Desertion (attorneys decision for the Adultery charge). He was served last week. I couldn't resist thanking that he just confirmed the Adultery charge.

Orchid: He's upset? Tell him the OW is gloating and he's upset? I exposed to others that the OW claimed prego. It was a lie but I told anyway 'cuz at the time I had no reason NOT to believe it. The WS will get mad anyway so brace yourself for it. No matter what you do, he will get mad. You didn't cross any real lines....just the one's in his head.

I told the WS, that since he was supposedly the one who impregnated the OW (I even left that as a question), then people should know. Then I told him to give me proof he didn't do the dirty deed. Of course he couldn't. He implicated himself and I let him hang himself for it.

Babble back. He's being stupid.


Orchid: You shouldn't take those calls but we understand how it is almost impossible not to at this point. In time you will realize how boring their drama can be and be able to resist the urge NOT to get into their drama.

When he asks stupid questions, throw it back.

Example:

WS: Why did you tell everyone?

BS: I thought you wanted everyone to know. You are proud of what you are doing, right?

WS: uuuh...hhuhhhuuu...uhmmmm... Arrgh....

BS: <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

I had a really good day today. No panics and I was able to focus on my work. My daughter is friends with H's niece R. My H was her favorite uncle. R is very upset with my H for everything that has happened and even said that she doesn't want to see him. I get the feeling that this must be how the family is reacting. I hope that the negative reaction from his family with influence him. Will this help him to come out of his fog? Or will this just create more aggression towards me? When he has his rages with me, is that a positive reaction? What I mean is that it keeps him thinking about me? Can you explain.

It took me a while to get angry, but I think I'm there.

I won't take his calls any more. I'll just gloat when he does call. I like the "babble back" I think that is a good defense.