I am new to this forum, so bare with the lengthy post.
This is actually the second posting of this, but I deleted it because after reading it and receiving feedback, I felt that it appeared that I was justifying my actions, and when you read this I want you to first know that I am NOT justifying anything I have done. I may added elements of my relationship with my S, and I have admitted everything to my S in hopes to gain any ounce of trust and respect back from here
By now you know that I am the WS, and currently trying to salvage both my friendship and marriage with my S, the one person that I love more than anything in the world. If anyone is in a similar situation, or if anyone can offer guidance please let me know. I am hopeful someone can help, or this story my help someone else.
My story…
My S and I have been together for 11 years, married for 8 years. We have two small children, both under the age of 5. Our relationship has been wonderful over the years with a few ups and downs, and we rarely ever have big arguments. Of course I can look at this now as a potential problem, because both of us would withdraw from one and other during conflict and simply would not talk through our thoughts, issues, and problems.
Married in 1998, and during this time bought our first house, remodeled it, and then sold it to build our current home. During these two years at this house the only big argument that I can recall was over some pornography that I had looked on the Internet. This hurt her, and this was the first time I had ever done this, and since then I have not looked at anything like this again. Our relationship was still very good, but the intimacy and affection seemed to slow.
After moving to our new house, and still working two jobs, using this money to buy furniture, etc. for the new house (2001), our first child was born. My S had some postpartum depression after our first child was born, but did not call it depression, but self-confidence issues. After our first child was born our relationship did seem to slow down, especially the intimacy and affection, and she was very concerned with her physical appearance. I tried to reinforce how beautiful and sexy she was by telling her this, bringing her flowers, etc., but at times I do not believe this helped. I can remember two trips that we took, only us, and she agreed that we needed to do more things like this, but it seemed this was left up to me.
To help her stress level I then tried to do absolutely everything around the house in regards to watching our child, cleaning, laundry, cooking, shopping, etc. The idea was that if she could just relax after working during the day there might be more time for us to spend together. This did not happen; she did not seem very interested in our intimacy and affection. I would say I felt
depressed about this, angry, unappreciated, neglected, and resentment built because I felt she was not giving me or our relationship the attention it deserved. I even thought that at times she was having an emotional bond with someone at work due to the conversations I had heard. This was my suspicion until recently.
Couple this with my stressful job, and that my father was now diagnosed with a degenerative disease for which there is currently no cure. Why does this matter? Well, after seeing him decline over the past years this has had a very profound emotional affect on me, an affect that I never have told anyone, not even my S. I think about this everyday and after seeing my father decline I now wanted to try and take advantage of each and every day with her and my family. To be quite honest they do not know enough about this disease to tell me whether it is hereditary or not, and that scares me to death.
I enjoyed taking care of my family, but at the same time I felt unappreciated, as she seemed to loose interest in our relationship and me. My S had a more difficult time with post partum depression. She took medicine, but did not like the way she felt so she stopped taking it. She never really used the term “depressed” after this, and again referred to her problems as “self-confidence” and “self-image” problems. This is where I failed her, not seeing these things, and not talking to her about it.
Since 2004 the affection and intimacy in our marriage has slowed. Our sex life was very sporadic. I wanted this physical relationship to grow because with all the stress in our lives I felt that our emotional bond was wonderful, but the intimacy and affection were not at the same level. In looking back I should have tried to communicate with my S better, to communicate my desires, needs, etc.
In addition, I felt the reason my S lost interest in me was due to my sexual performance. I eventually did one of the most embarrassing things in my life by going to talk to a urologist about my perceived sexual problems. I thought I was the problem, and that I could not satisfy my S. She denies this is a problem.
I was desperately seeking attention, to be wanted, to be desired, and to be appreciated, and that is what led me to make the biggest mistakes of my life. It was about attention because I did not have an emotional A (and never could), but a physical A.
Now for the bad part……….
In early 2004 I met someone else due to working in the town I work in, and that I had my business account (second job) at the financial facility she worked at. The first time I saw her outside of work was at a bar, and at closing time she asked if I wanted to go out with her for a while and I said no. Now realizing her intentions I spoke with her after this and told her that I am married, even showing her a picture of my son, and telling her my S and him are the most
important people in my life, and that I am not going to jeopardize that. I felt good about this, not giving in even when I was feeling low.
This lasted a few months when I believe this other person had contacted me about some “official” business, and after this, being one of the times where I was feeling low about not only myself, but also the lack of desire my wife had shown towards our relationship and me. This person invited me to her house, and I accepted. After work one day I went there, and did the unthinkable. A month or two had passed, and I wanted to tell my S about what I had done, but how you do tell the one person you never thought you would ever hurt, that you did that.
Now I am very angry that this other person, knowing I am married, pursued me the way she did. Why could I have not seen this, why did I say yes, and what kind of person is she?
After this I tried to refocus myself on the things I was doing for our relationship, the housework, school, but again feeling that my S was still not putting much effort into our relationship. I kept thinking what more can I do? Unfortunately, with this other person contacting me, I gave in a second time. After it happened I basically ran out of the door, and I did not have contact with her for a good deal of time (months I think).
After these months passed the other person did attempt to contact me, and we did have some short conversations periodically, but I felt no emotional attachment to this person nor did I want to. The conversations consisted of what have each of us been to, and how jobs are going. She even tried to meet with me periodically, and initially I accepted, only to not show up when the time and dates came.
I cannot recall all the details, but it seemed that I would either accept phone calls or initiate contact depending how my own relationship was going. I had put so much time and energy in taking care of my S and family, and feeling she did not desire the closeness we could have. Add the stress of my job, school, all the responsibilities, two children, and the fact that our youngest was still not sleeping very well at all. Looking back these are not reasons to give in.
During 2005, I had limited contact with this other person. A majority of the times that I did see her was when I was working, and met her in a public place to talk briefly. The conversations still were in reference to what we have been up to, and I refused to discuss my S, children, or other intimate details with her. She did know a little about my family due to my sister having a high profile job, and in the newspaper a few times.
During this time I still had my feelings of resentment, and one major flaw with my S was that we did not communicate our feelings to each other well, and I continued to feel unappreciated. I thought in the back of my mind that it will get better, and it did in spurts. Due to all of this I think I began to have a low level of self-confidence, and became very insecure. I suspected she still had this emotional attachment with someone at work, and I do not know if this thought was true or simply thinking this because of the things I was doing. I will give full disclosure though. In regards to this other person, I did meet her approximately 4 times during 2005 outside of work, and there was sexual contact, not sexual intercourse. This seemed all she was interested in. Not that it matters, but in the back of my mind I would not succumb to sexual intercourse. I often asked myself, what is wrong with me?
I planned a surprise 30th Birthday for my S, and spent numerous months planning. I was stressed about this, but managed to plan for a weekend where I knew her best friend would be in town and they had plans for half the day. As the day got closer her best friend’s step dad was close to passing away, and I told my wife about the party because with her best friend in town and her step dad dying, I did not think it was the best atmosphere for a party. She was stunned, did not seem to appreciate the effort, and I cannot even remember her saying thank you for a long time. This hurt me a great deal.
During 2006 I limited contact with this other person, and met her two times where the same sexual contact occurred, not sexual intercourse. Not that makes me a saint or anything.
I will emphasize that through the time of the A it was off and on, limited contact, and not constant, but remains the worst decision I have made in my life.
I was sitting at home one night in April when I saw a website that was advertised for married men and women. I will not give the site name, but specifically the site is for married men and women to have affairs. The advertisement I saw interviewed a man who said how nice it was to meet married women with similar problems, and he appreciated the company and understanding, but said he has not had any physical contact with any of them.
After seeing this website I joined, and immediately saw that there were a lot of freaks out there. I did briefly converse with a few women in similar situations, in their relationships, but I could not take the next step. When I was asked to meet someone in the area, who wanted to get together I said no. I was desperately looking for attention or interest from anyone. I did open two email accounts that were found by my wife but she does not believe my intentions. Even when the emails in her hand support my interest on the site of looking for attention, to have someone possibly show interest in me, and to talk to, she does not believe that. The conversations on the site were vague, some were about sports, but I did tell my S about the one sexual explicit conversation that I did have. My wife still believes that I was on the site to look for an affair, but that is not correct. It is an appropriate website, but I could not do it. I guess I just could not after all the other things I have done.
We are at the point where my word does not mean much right now. Not that I blame her for not believing me, but it is very frustrating that now the truth is out there she still expects the worse.
My S confronted me at work about 6 weeks ago at 3:30 am. She found the website, and went ballistic, and I will admit I handled this conversation poorly at first because of the fact I felt ambushed by her, her friend, and my father in law. I knew that some of the things she suspected were not true, but how do you talk about these things in this situation. This was after I spent the last seven to ten days taking care of her and our children because she had surgery and
suffered some complications. I was so worried about her I thought I cannot continue to do these things. I missed many opportunities to tell her these things.
After her surgery she could not talk much, but sent me an email from her Blackberry while she was laying in bed telling me how much she appreciated me, and how much she loved me. I cannot tell you how much that meant to me, her saying how much she appreciated me. That did not matter now, the night she came to my work, not only was I tired from being up two days in a row, but when I walked out to see her I did not see her friend. The first thought that I had was my dad, my boys, what happened…..I did handle the situation poorly and lied. After talking with her a second time in a controlled situation I held on to that lie, but I ended up telling her the truth because I could not lie to her anymore, and she felt there was more to the story. She felt the lies hurt worse than anything I could have done.
I have not been staying at the house for about 6 weeks, only staying there a handful of times. I have been staying at a friend’s house. He is in the process of getting D, and she worried about this being a negative influence. My friend has made some negative comments, but supports and appreciates my effort to reconcile with my wife. He is bitter about things, but knew that his soon to be ex did nothing to salvage their relationship. I have told him everything, and he is in awe that I have gone to the lengths that I have to show my wife that I am an even better person, friend, and husband than the things I have done.
Back to the story….. the other woman even wanted me to come to her apartment the weekend my wife confronted me, and I will admit that I thought about it, but with her being sick and my feelings about what I would do if she did not get better, or worse. I just could not do it, and made not attempt to meet this other person. Finally, I did something I felt good about, and my wife believes that I did not attempt to meet her.
I told her everything I have explained to all of you, and even offered a few things that she did not know, some things that she and I both deemed not inappropriate. I have been trying to show her that I am telling her the truth. She still has a “gut” feeling that I am holding things back, but my conscience is clear. At this point we are not able to get past this…. She says she trusts her gut feeling more than me. I have been troubled a great deal by my actions the last couple of years, and at times have been sick to my stomach. I am glad I do not have to live a lie anymore.
What is especially frustrating is that after this happened my S and I had some very long, intimate conversations where we now understand each other so much better. I cannot believe it came to this for this to occur. We talked about our relationship, communication, sexual relationship, etc. These conversations showed that we were both thinking the same things, but did not have a good level of communication for whatever reason. It seemed we both withdrew. These conversations have opened my eyes to not only how similar we think, but how much better our friendship and marriage could be. My wife said she missed the little touches of affection, but I always felt I was the one that mainly initiated affection. There was not a time where I did not rub her back if her back ached, or her head if she had a headache, or did these things for no apparent reason.
Also, what I learned, which is very important, is that my wife has been depressed for a period of time. This whole situation has made it even worse, and our relationship is not really going anywhere at this moment. She and I both agree that we want this relationship to work, but it will take time, but she also said she did not know if it would work out. It has been a little over
a month of by far the worst period of my life, and we have had some ups and some downs. Regardless of how the day goes I make sure I tell her that I Love her, I am truly sorry for the things I have done, and that I will make it up to her. She is the love of my life, and I will work through this, with her, no matter how long it takes.
What really bothers me is that I was taught very early by my mother to think of other people before myself. I have always done this in my life, for my family, and in my job. For example, I have given complete strangers money who were down on their luck or just needed to get home to their families. At work I do everything in my power to make sure the people I supervise are more comfortable than me. I always look at how I can help others before myself, but I did not do this in regard to my marriage. Now I am in a very unusual situation where I am trying to show everyone that I am not this person. I am not the slime ball that made these decisions, but the good-hearted person that everyone thought I was.
At this time we are both going to MC, and I am going on my own as well. She is also going to a separate counselor to get an independent opinion on medicine for her depression.
During the past almost six weeks, I am very hurt by my actions, and the actions of my wife. We have talked about if the situation was reversed how I would react. I told her I would have not made her leave the house if we are both committed to making this work. I will agree that I would be very angry and hurt, but I would not want to be without her on a day to day basis, especially if we are both committed to working this out. This is one worry that I have, that she and I have distance between us. I have mentioned the bad times, but I cannot even begin to count the wonderful memories I have with her. When I look at her and think of what I have done, I just want to cry, and most times I do.
I have realized that my wife and I cannot make decisions on our future until she gets help with her depression. I want nothing more than to be with her in the future, and grow old with her, and if I suffer the same illness as my father…. I want her to take care of me. Regardless how this works out, I want her to get better, and see her smile. If she chooses not to be with me in the future I just hope that she is well and can enjoy life more than she has lately. I want her to be happy regardless, that is how much I love and care for her.
A final note about the A. Looking back it was not enjoyable, and I was very guilt ridden and stressed out about doing the things that I did. I would not speak with this other person for good length of time, but when I felt neglected, not desired, or unappreciated I would be interested in trying to contact her or return the phone calls. Sure there were issues in our marriage, but I should have worked harder at those issues, instead of feeling sorry for myself. This is why I am going to IC to get help with my issues.
If you read this and are thinking about looking outside your marriage think again, and ask yourself have you done everything humanly possible to save and heal your marriage? I thought I was, but in looking back, I could have possibly done more and could have had a better level of communication with the one person that means the most to me in this whole world.
She has visited many marital support sites, and quoted this to me, “No, he is not perfect, but he is perfect for me, how do we get past this?”. I do not know, but at the end of this, regardless of the outcome, I will not have any regrets in how I attempted to heal and save my marriage. That is my goal in life right now. To do whatever humanly possible to heal and strengthen my marriage. I do not want to be without her, and as she said, “we are soul mate’s”. I am lucky I have someone that loves me this much, and to try and work through our problems both together and individually.
If anyone has any advice please let me know. I would be happy to talk or discuss with anyone.
I have more to add, but I will leave at this for now.
