Are you looking for an instant answer or fix? .........

[color:"red"]Because if you are, this isn't the place to get it. The A issues we deal with here require a lot of prep work to be learned and done by the BS. Initial work. Then later depending on the status of your spouse (WS or Xws), any recovery work is more on their shoulders. [/color]

[color:"blue"]There are generally 2 types of recoveries:

1. Perosnal recovery - you define this in plan A
2. Marital recovery - requires both spouses to contribute along with the implementation of RH (radical honesty) and POJA (policy of joint agreement). You can't be in a M recovery unless the WS is gone. An Xws can start the recovery but he/she must soon move to the H/W mode for the recovery to succeed. The BS can not make the Xws turn into a H or W. The BS can show the way but NOT force the change. [/color]

[color:"green"]So what is a BS to do? Here are a few starters:

A. Secure your finances. WS' love to spend $$ whether they have it or not.

B. Setup your personal support group. Include your children regardless of their age. Even babies can be your support. Support can come from people (i.e. relatives, children, neighbors, co-workers, friends, IC/MC, doctors, dentist, even total strangers), pets, projects, dreams, hobbies, etc. Whatever helps you cope. Posting here helps too.

C. If you have children reassure them of your love and commitment to them. Hugz, heart to heart talks, etc. Be a part of their support group as well and get IC for them as needed. Inform their school, baby sitter and even the school front office. Many public schools have counselors to help children deal with these very adult issues.

D. Go to the doctor and get ADs along with STD tests as needed.

E. Get a qualified IC?MC familar with MB principals or better yet, if the WS is your H, call Steve @ MB. If the WS is your W, call Jennifer @ MB. The phone counseling is quite a powerful tool. The prereqs include: Reading the basic concepts above, both take the EN questionnaire (if the WS won't, take 2x once as yourself and once as your real spouse), read Surviving an Affair and His needs/Her needs. This will set the foundataion on how they can best help you.

F. Identify your personal and M boundaries. This should be a short list and may take time to determine. Be patient.

G. Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

H. Expect the WS to babble, do and say many hurtful things. Learn the art of reverse babble. This will allow you to give back the guilt from the WS.

I. Develop the ability to identify the diffference from WS babble vs truth words/convo. Don't fall for the babble.

J. Plan A the spouse and plan B the WS. This will take time. Finish your plan A improvements 1st so you can do a successful plan B when only the WS is in existance around you. A fulltime WS often requires plan B actions. Remember these plans are to help you and your family NOT fix the WS. That's their job. The WS must be eliminated for your spouse to come back.

K. Know that soon your mind and heart will be in sync, then moving forward will be easier despite the actions of the WS. AT that point you may or may not want the M anymore but you will know why and you will be able to handle it.

L. Don't do any D or separation work before YOUR time. Expect the WS to force you to do their dirty D work for them. This is a ploy to lessen their guilt. Don't fight it but don't do it until you are ready. The WS wants to control you and tell you what to do.

M. Knowing the WS has the urge to control, use that as a tool to your advantage. After my mind and heart got in syncy I told my WS to make sure he was happy when he was around us because the A was making our family miserable (even my then 6 year old was very sad, he wrote a letter to his dad that cut right to the heart). I demanded the WS be happy since all the misery was at our expense. Of course no WS wants to do what the BS demands so he couldn't be happy while having the A even with the OW. LOL!!! Great tool, this reverse babble!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

N. Post here as needed. You will find support but we can't do the work for you. You must put the effort in to find your tools and use them wisely. [/color]

Survival is attainable.

take care,
L.

Orchid,

Great primer on a Sunday morning!

Aloha Cy,

I'm on a roll and that's before my 1st cup of java. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

Thank you Orchid.

I think I've read this information before, and it is always helpful to refresh.

Temp,

It is good to know someone is reading these things. Sometimes it seems like we keep posting the same suggestions over and over and see few results.

This stuff isn't easy t/d. Yet it is possible. Takes real effort but for most of us, our family's are worth it.

Thanks for your support.

L.

Orchid,
You are wonderful. I don't know if you remember, but almost 5 years ago, you and others tried to help me with a Plan A and Plan B. My X married his OW, and they are still married. I look back and see things I wish I could have done differently. I wish I could have done a better Plan A. However, I am in a great personal recovery, not dating anyone, but waiting for all of my kids to go off to college, which will be a couple more years.
And actually, I don't think ALL marriages should recover, although for the kids sake, and for the sake of my sacred vows to my X, I tried. Now, I look at the man XH is, and I am SO glad he is not home to raise my kids. He is still in the fog, and probably will forevermore be. OW can have him.

KK,

Good to hear from you and it is grand that you show by your example how important it is to have personal recovery. Yes, some M's shouldn't survive but one can honestly say it's not because we didn't try.

It isn't bad reflect for the M not to survive if we did our best. Learning to let go and move forward may be the harder test but in the end the one most rewarding. Better to move forward than to be tied down to excess WS baggage.

As much as we want an instant fix, in reality that's not how it happens so why bother fighting reality looking for a cure when the whole time the cure is within our grasp. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Take care and all the best to you and your family.

Aloha,
L.

Orchid, I am keeping copies of your great posts.

When I cannot get people on my MP group to come here, I use your posts to lure them into seeing the logic oF MB and then some of them come. Those that do are always grateful for your words. Thank you for continuing to post and repost them.

A Fan

Linda

I found this place and these principles when I needed my own lighthouse. With the assistance from these wonderful people here, I have grown to know myself better, and to find strength where you don't expect to. Before I found MB, I figured I would just lose all; self respect, dignity, self-esteem, happiness.

I have always like the credo



That has helped me a lot, to recognize who I'm dealing with, so thank you for all of your posts.

I'm new to this and finding it's very difficult to put into words what I'm feeling and going through right now. Some of you have such a gift for writing and your words are so comforting. This has given me a spark of hope that I may be able to get through this with a lot of work. Thank You!

Thanks for posting this Orchid. It really does help us put things in prospect. Yes, I tend to look for 'instant' fix too, but have learned over the past two years that there is no such thing. Now we are getting divorced, sometimes I wondered if any attempts I did over the past two years were wasted, but at least I can tell DS4 how much I have tried.

Milk

Orchid,

It's all being read, over and over again, you just might not hear about it. My BS came here soon after his discovery of my first EA and while I don't think he ever posted anything, he read a lot and used many of the techniques on his fog-hazed temporarily insane W (that would be me). It works. He understood the fog...he snapped me back to reality. If he had handled things differently...I would've probably left him for this creep and damaged my sweet dd's emotionally in the process.

I so love my reality now!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Silver,

Glad to be of assistance. It is good you are able to help others. For all the sadness and pain here, the joy to be able to help and be helped is a great blessing. Keep up the good work. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

TempIS,

It is often hard to find a light much less a lighthouse in all this fog. The fact that you have and are using it to help you is great news. Down with the A!!!!

It took a while but my H knows that while my tolerance level is quite low, when he acts like an H, I love him. When he gets his stupid bouts and even leans toward the WS side, WHAM! No mercy there. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> It's been my method of protection.

Does he still act like a WS? Sometimes it seems that way. It is more in the attitude dept but he generally comes around. I show no mercy to a WS attitude in my home. He realizes it is a losing battle to babble with me. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

TW,
That spark or hope is all I had at the beginning. I held on for dear life, so I understand how you are feeling. Hang in there and we can help you survive. Can we fix your WS? No but we can sure help you make the WS' existance miserable while supporting you. That in itself may give your real spouse a light to follow.

MS,

Your efforts were not wasted. In time you will realize it. D or not, you did your best and for that you will have no regrets. Instead the WS will have a lifetime of regrets. Too bad the fog is keeping him from the most beautiful people in his life. Sad how stupid some must be. I see people who say they regret the D yet at the time, it was their choice because they were in the fog.

Our children will keep on growing, the best we can do is help them be the best they can be. I see you are still young enough to have your life and your child's life ahead of you. Enjoy what is within your control.

May the misery of the A hang like a dark cloud over the WS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


Mom2A&Z,

Thanks for the info. I realize more read than post. Sometimes we wonder if we are really getting through. I have posted the same info soo often, my key board may be able to post it on command. LOL!!!

I am very happy you were one of the Xws' smart enough to pull through. You give us hope. AS for your BS, let him know we are glad for what support we may have unknowingly given him. We expect nothing in return but for you all to happily move forward and leave this ugly chapter behind.

Smooth sailing and no more roller coasters, right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks to all who have read and posted.

take care,
L.

Thanks for your reply, and I hope I will get through this to be a stronger and more attractive person in the end.

Milk

U already R. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.