married 3 years...since I learned of his encounters with these other women he has been sooo sorry for the last 5 days now. He swears he will never do it again.. he says I am the one for him.. he does not understand his behavior as our sex live is awesome.. and it really is up until now. I continue to sleep with him.. and after we are intimate I cry and cry.. the tears stream down my face and not a sound comes out...just quietly lay there and listen to his sleep.
In the day...I find myself following him..calling contantly...and my heart races with even the though of what he is doing minute by minute...I can hardly concentrate on my work. We do not have kids together.. we both have 2 kids of our own and they are grown and gone. This is our second marriage. He is widowed 5 years ago and I was divorced 6 years ago. We were both married to the same person 20 plus years. I am unsure of how this forum really works. I hope I can get some response... help me please ! Kat

Welcome to MB and here's a {{hug}} <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Sorry you are going through this but if he is truly remorseful, best to get the 2 of you into some good MC to nip this in the bud.

Here's the general t/d:

1. Go to the doctor and get ADs along with STD tests as needed.

2/. Get a qualified IC?MC familar with MB principals or better yet, if the WS is your H, call Steve @ MB. If the WS is your W, call Jennifer @ MB. The phone counseling is quite a powerful tool. The prereqs include: Reading the basic concepts above, both take the EN questionnaire (if the WS won't, take 2x once as yourself and once as your real spouse), read Surviving an Affair and His needs/Her needs. This will set the foundataion on how they can best help you.

That's a start.

L.

Welcome - Orchid has given you a good start on what to do. Your feelings are normal and we have all had them. It is such a shock for you and we do understand.

The great thing about MB is that you have a plan of behaviour to guide you through this. So sometimes you will be flying blind, just obeying the plan, and it will help you to know that you are doing the best you can for your marriage. Do post often, let us know what is happening and how you feel.

Linda

Thanks for responding... I have read the MB principles and the basics. They are somewhat helpful today. Last night he went to work and called me a few time to see how I was doing. He is saying things to me like I dont deserve this and I deserve better... I dont get that . Is he say this truthfully or is he saying this as an idicator to move on or end it? I say perhaps he is feeling such guilt that it would be easier for him to walk away and never have to deal with it or face me. He is having a hard time watching me cry and God knows I am trying to stop the tears. They come all day.. washing dishes, cooking, watching Tv.. man I cant hardly stop for 1/2 hour. I cleaned the whole house yesterday and even when my mind is busy with those things I am crying. Then this morning he came home and slipped into bed with me... curled up and told me how much he loves me and that I am the best. God I wish I could believe that. I feel like a door mat right now.

Kat

What you are feeling is sooo normal

My WH said the same type of thing-"you deserve a better husband". But I think the fact that he is reaching out to you right now shows some positive actions.

I felt overwhelmed by the tears. I'm not much of a crier, and I was crying in the car, late at night, in the shower. I finally went to my Dr. and got on AD's. They really helped with the lows.

Keep posting. This is a great place to vent, to ask questions, to find out you aren't going crazy... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
And you've gotten some good advice-the same advice I got when I first arrived here. It has really helped.

Hang in there.

Thanks again for the advise <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> So what do I do next.. shouold I be bringing it up at all? Should I be trying to be an normal as possible? or should I let him know how sad I am? I am not sure how to behave? I have the afternoon to think about it as he worked nights last night and wont be awake for another 5 hours. Some advise about this will help me get though this day.

Hi Kat.

Sorry you have to be here.

I read all of your posts to get an idea of what is going on.

I have some questions for you.

You say encounters. Were these one night stands (ONS) or were there several affairs? Do you know who the OW were/are?

Does he work with the OW?

Did he just meet them in a bar. etc?

You found a phone number, I read. Did he come clean about it all right away?

Have you checked his email account to see if they are corresponding via email?

Have you gone and purchased the book Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley?

Hang in there, hon.

He fessed up about the number I found right away, but said she was just a friend he met at work. He had went out for breakfast with twice and that was it. This person ended up being a 22 year old GIRL. He claimed nothing ever happened and I said YET. I feel if I wouldnt haveI reacted by freaking out when I found this numberand that she was 22 years old what is gods name are you thinking I asked him and when I asked him if this kind of thing has been going on before he did fess up about all the other times as well. I have learned about 2 of the alleged 10 so far... one was a woman we bought an antique sink from. This was an ad in the paper. He ended up going back one day to purchase an old wood stove I wanted and one thing lead to another...then this other woman he met in a bar when he dropped in for a beer. I could not handle any more infor about the others this week as it was more then I could take as it was. I have been thinking about the rest of these women..and asked if they are any that I may know or bump into and he says no.
His daughter has an apartment over by this little bar and grill and she is away at school but keeps this apartment that he pays for might I add and that is where this has been going on. But then again he said sometimes the women invite him to their apartments as well.
As far as these other women I suppose I should ask some more questions about them or maybe not. Do you think I should know about each one? Man I dont know if I can handle it....
He tells me that I am such a good person and do not deserve this.. he said he love me so much and does not understand why he does this. He said it may be the good feeling when these woman pay attention to him.. and being that he is 43.. and a 20 something girl being attracted to him makes him feel awesome.. I dont know. I used to feel sexy, desireable and as far as sex goes we have great sex. In fact the other day as bad as I felt I went to bed with him and rocked his world to to speak and he said to me you know you are the best kat you dont need to try to prove it. Now what the ****** am I to think of that comment?

I don't think ad is the answer but prayer is!! Never ask a question that you don't want to know the answers to. I've been through a similiar situation trying to understand why?? I did everything to make him happy and yet had a similiar situation. I cooked, clean, worked, and gave him the best sex ever, all these things according to him!! But start out by not blaming yourself. Know that this is not your fault. And despite all that is going on you have to continue to walk in love. Seek marriage counseling through your local church or get a referral from someone you trust to share. This episode will not heal overnite, but time is on your side. And so is the Lord. Reestablishing trust will not be easy, but you have to be willing to still move forward by admitting to him how you truly feel.

Kat, is he willing to make DRAMATIC changes in order to affair proof your marriage? Is he willing to be completely transparent about his whereabouts and take the necessary steps to ensure this doesnt happen again?

Does his daughter know he has been using her apt as a whorehouse?

I would also strongly suggest that you both get STD testing immediately.

Kat,
I am so saddened by your response. Honestly, I fear for your health as well as your marriage.

I know you may have already been exposed, but I would not have sex with him again until both of you have been tested for STDs. I would call my gynocologist first thing in the morning and make an appointment for him as well.

I would call Steve Harley for an appointment asap.

I think your WH has some serious issues that are endagering both of you.

As Melody Lane said, he is going to have to make some major life changes.

I am very sorry you find yourself in this position.

You might do a search on sexual addiction as well as reading the book Surviving an Affair.

again, I am sorry you are in this position.

should I be finding out about all the other ON stands? He has been sending me text messages all evening from work. All sweet and wanting to know how I am doing and if I am ok. He is working night these days.. makes it hard for me to go to bed even though he is at work.. that young girl works in one of the plants he has to go to but he tells me not to worry about that he will never contact her again and thats for sure. so do L beleive that? I feel he is telling me the truth.. so lets hope

His proof is in his actions not words..

STD TESTING TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

you go...
and you tell him to go...

turn over keys to the apartment to you today...

ARK

I am truly sorry you are going through this. But if there is a consolation the pain does go away. I found out 5 weeks ago my W was having an A - I was devastated. Time will heal the wounds and there are many people here that can definately help. Eat well, try to sleep and visit here often to vent and get support.

I will be glad to offer a shoulder an my opinion

I really think you should consider calling Steve Harley.

thanks for the words of comfort... today was a better day. I was able to get my work done anyway. I lasted until about 300 this afternoon then my thoughts started to wander. He was home asleep as he work all night so that was somewhat comforting.
I mentioned about the STD testing and he said that is not necessary.. we had some words about that but it faded fast.
I sure hope I can sleep tonight as I am getting soooo tired. Tonight after dinner he asked me if anyone noticed my new dress and if the guys were making passes at me.. I wsaid WHAT. The men at my work would not even entertain that idea with me.. they know I am married and I am not approachable in that manner. I told him everyone can tell the difference between a ****** and a woman who has respect for themselves. All he said was "Oh". I asked him how he would like it if I was to frequent a bar and get farmiliar with the locals and then go home with them. he said oh god no I dont want that. He said this is a new start for us hon.

Don't pay any attention to his saying it isn't necessary. Plenty of WS will claim they didn't have unprotected sex until their BS end up with an STD or the OW turns up pregnant.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Go get yourself tested and tell him that there will either be no SF or SF with a condom until he tests clean of STDs. Just be aware that condoms may not protect you from ALL STDs. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

You have to take responsibility for protecting yourself and your health. So, go get yourself checked out, OK?

Kat,
go get tested.

of course he said it is not necessary - he is above any bad thing- all Waywards in the fog are above anything bad happening.

he wants to think you are flirting, too. that takes the pressure off him.

get counseling

get tested

have no ssx with him

I will go and get tested...I guess I am afraid of the outcome as well. If all is good then good but that doesnt change the fact that he is refusing. if the dr finds something wrong then that adds to the problem for me. I know that sounds ridiculous however one more thing to handle .. Gods knows I am near a nervous breakdown as it is...one more bad thing and I feel I am going to go out of my mind. Moveforward.. how is your situation? are you still with your wife? I am not sure of all the abbreviations on the site...so I am feeling abit slow. Tell me about yourself

Hi Kat.

I am the wife <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
My FWH (former wayward husband) had an affair with his high school/college girlfriend after we had been married for nearly 23 years.

We are doing wonderful. Life is good. I do not trust him 100% - that is gone. He is doing his best to help me heal and help me regain trust in him.

He didn't see any reason to be tested either- until we found out the former other woman (FOW) was into swinging- gag. Thankfully, we are ok.

I am concerned for you, Kat. I think your husband has some bigger issues such as a sexual addiction.

Did he cheat on his first wife as well? It seems odd that it would just start out of the blue.

Does he have issues with porn?

You guys have only been married three years and he has been having these encounters all along? Is he willing to go to a counselor? Does he profess to be a Christian?

I really am sorry you are here.