I can't say that your situation is the same as mine, but it sounds close. Telling you that he wants his independence to include his bills, and then turning around and asking you to be his watchdog (just a reference, not a put down), that's double talk. Which is it?

BTW, since when do you give up independence when you get married; you still have to get up in the morning, get ready, go to work, take care of business. When did this 'state of independence' thing become so all fired important. You're not jailed in a marriage! If anything, a good marriage helps you to feel stronger and more capable.

I agree! In my H's case, he never lived alone or was responsible for any of this. Even when he lived w/his parents (right after high school) his mother did his budgeting. He went from living w/them to living with me...and 21 years later, here we are!

I lived alone in college, but that was in a sorority, so even though I had my own room, I was in a house with 25 women, so that's not living alone either.

He has very little self-confidence deep down (how about your H?). I'm not making excuses for him, because he is the one who let me "mother" him (and he will admit it).

The thing that amazes me the most about a mid-life crisis is that the phrases are the same! They use the same phrases, do the same things, it's very strange...they really are very simple and predictable, don't you think?

My WH has lived in the SAME house for all of his life. His grandparents adopted him when he was quite young (3yo?). His grandparents/parents both have passed away and the house and land was left to him. For someone who claims that he wants to be out in the world and free to roam about, he sure has great concerns about 'my half' of the house that I dwell in. Hmmmm? Double talk. I want my house, but I don't want my house; I want you to be my friend, and my wife sometimes, but leave me to do whatever I want; I want to be a dad, but only for the fun stuff. Whatev!

Very, very similar...I find it so weird how they say and do the same things. By the way, you changed your name! I got confused for a minute but I knew you were still the one writing!

Yeah, I thought a name change was in order! I don't feel insane anymore. I'll tell you what, though, I sure as h311 did back when all of this got started (July 05). Since I have made the decision to go dark, I feel better. I do worry that I did not leave H with the best view of me, but I really was, again, devastated by the news that he was engaging in a new 'friendship' with a new woman. After all of the 'I really want to try', and 'I'm sorry for the two ruined anniversaries', and 'hope is good, hope is not a bad thing'. Well, in his case, hope was not the best tack. Hope inside myself is one thing, but hope aimed toward him is useless right now. I'm sorry, just read 'Extremely Lost's Plan B' and have gotten a bit angry. His wife filed for D, after him trying for three years to win her back. I'm happy that I am in Plan B now, for me, so that I can move on. Anyway, how are you today? Hope you are gathering strength for Plan A. If it's nice out, stop what you're doing for a moment and go outside and take in the scenery; if it's yucky, go eat some chocolate!!!

Hi,

I understand why you feel better in Plan B. Sometimes I wonder if I would too, but since I don't know definitively one way or the other if he is still in contact with the OW (and he's on the other side of the world) then I might be foolish to give up my good Plan A and go to Plan B.

He got an international cell phone from employer (friend) and called me last night. I missed the call, I was in a divorce/separation support group, and got the message afterwards. I thought, I'm not going to call back...make him wonder where I am. Sure enough, 10 minutes later, he called again. I was proud of myself. He sounded like he cared what was going on here but just sounded distant (I guess because he didn't talk about us, but then again, that's what I want in Plan A). He had said that he was having emotional thoughts about us, so I have to let that go for now.

Today, I'm a little sad because I'm losing hope and faith. He returns back here in about 10 days to pack up his life and move to his friend/boss's state before he leaves again for another trip abroad. If he spends time with me instead of spending hours at his apartment, then I'll see some effort. I just fear that I'll hardly see him, especially on OW's birthday (he doesn't know I know when in it), and I fear it because I think all hope will be lost if he makes little/no effort when he is here because he is saying he misses me every single time he contacts me. Again, that is my "What if" thinking, which is trapping me, and I know I deserve for. I don't fear it because I can't handle it, I fear it because I don't think I can go on with this any longer if he makes no effort for the very short time he will be here, not knowing when he will see me again, by the way.

How did you know that I was a chocoholic? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ah, the chocolate thing! I figure, any woman who's decided to take the plunge and get married, or have children, or buy a house or, well, just about anything big, has fully acquainted herself with chocolate, and realized how wonderful it is.

About H coming back, just continue with Plan A; when he is around, listen, talk, be light, be you, genuine you. When he isn't around, make sure you aren't sulking about waiting (or atleast don't leave that impression). You don't have to leave the house to be busy; read, learn to play an instrument, watch old movies, watch new movies, take on some form of exercise (I started playing more with son, doing some work on house, working in yard, taking dogs for long walks, taking me for long walks, playing Mahjong on the computer--addictive!!!). Journal, if that's your thing. Really try try try and try again to think of yourself without regards to H.

Hi,

Last night I hit my head in a restaurant and caused a concussion! As you can imagine, it's scary being alone. Because I already have a neurological condition, my doctor recommended I stay over at a friend's house. That's when I got sad. My H isn't here and I'm all alone. I did it though-stayed there, the dogs were mad, somehow got over the gates in the kitchen trying to find me. You know how smart those dogs can be.

I'm still really out of it today. Didn't know whether to tell him. He had called me at the restaurant right after I hit my head and I was sort of slurring my words. I decided I'm not going to hide the truth, so when he sent an e-mail today, I told him I had a concussion. He then called, and sounded concerned but distant at the same time.

I know, I know, stop focusing on him and his words and worry about me. He did say that he enjoys being abroad and wouldn't mind living there. I asked if that was his plan and he said no, just travel there. He then said maybe I could visit him there sometime. I can't put my finger on it, he said all the right words but they were missing feeling, I guess. I'm sure he has to feel guilty that this is happening, a risk to my health, and he is on the other side of the world. My parents are now finally speaking up and they are really mad that he left me here alone knowing about my health.

Oh well, I'm going to try to sleep. Just wanted to sign on and say hi. Friends are calling me every 2-3 hours all night long to check on me. I do feel blessed that I have some wonderful friends who care about me.

Take Care...

Oh boy,
Well you had a full weekend, now didn't you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Whoa!! Are you okay? Not what I expected to read. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Did you atleast get dessert before smacking your noggin?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Seriously, I hope that you are doing better now.

About the distance and the disconnect (beyond physical) that you hear in H voice. It is there; he is not there, not yet. Keep up the good work. He is saying some positive things, now you will need to see if he is showing you these things, also. Patience. You are doing very well. BTW, telling your H the truth about smacking your head and getting a concussion is a completely different animal than having R talk. It's okay to tell him things if they involve your immediate health. If it's not serious, don't dwell, that's all, just move along to the next subject (even though I know that you wanted him there with you). Keep that chin up, and watch for those pesky walls, they'll get you every time. Give us an update, so that we know how you're doing.

Thanks for watching out for me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I wasn't any better this am, called the doctor, and they want to see me tomorrow am if I still don't improve (and likely do a CAT scan). Finally, by afternoon, the heavy feeling in my head began to improve little by little. I can't drive yet, still feeling "intoxicated", but I should be back to work in a couple of days.

H did call today to ask how I was. He was somewhat quiet and I knew that he was struggling with being there and missing us. I asked if he was feeling well, and he said he's ok, it's just "everything". I knew he meant the struggle I just mentioned. He mentioned he missed me a couple of times and we talked for almost 20 minutes, which is quite a long time for an international call!

I still think I'm hanging on his communications - I cheer up (cautiously) when they're positive and caring and I get sad when they're distant. I'm disappointed in myself that I can't get past this, but I'm better than I was two weeks ago, so I have to force myself to keep looking at the cup half-full instead of my standby, half-empty.

Silent, your encouragement about my Plan A is a boost and I thank you for that. It's hard to know, sometimes. I understand there are no guarantees, but a Plan A somehow guarantees that no matter what happens in the end, I won't have any regrets that I did the very best I knew how to do.

I'm sorry to hear that you are still feeling ill. My wishes for a speedy recovery go out to you.

Plan A is tough! You will feel weak and you will feel like WH is the focus when you do engage in conversation. Let him express these things, but try not to comment on them too much. Just allow him to feel safe in talking to you. You may eventually get more than "it's just everything". He's feeling the pull toward you, and it's wreaking havoc on him. Just let it happen. Don't push, just be there. I know that you have needs too, but he is not ready to begin fulfilling them just yet. I can't tell you that you will eventually stop hanging on his communications/words, but you will learn how to handle yourself in reaction to them. I can't say that my Plan A was stellar; I had some breakdowns, but I was usually on the edge when I did. My last 'fall' was prior to Plan B. My WH told me he was yet again interested in the affections of another OW. I lost it. It wasn't pretty, but I hit my limit. I tried like h3ll to hold back, but the hit was too hard to ignore. What I'm saying is, do the BEST that you can in Plan A; it will be hard, but it is the best method I have read.

As Dory (from 'Finding Nemo') would say, 'Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming..."

I just have to remember to keep breathing as I'm swimming, swimming, swimming, or I'll SINK!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Today was a sad day for me (you know how that rollercoaster works), and I was lucky enough to receive a card from a good friend who cares. Here's the quote on it (for SilentLucidity, Silverpool, and others):

Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
Think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best.
Forgive and forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you.

-Christian D. Larson

Hope it inspires you as it does me.

Ooh lovely - I am taking a copy - thanks - Linda

Hello there! Is anyone home? I would like to hear from you. I'm a little worried about that bump you took to the head and want to make sure you're okay.

bump>>are you there?