Me 36, WW 33, DS5, DD2 M 10 years - Dday 5-8-06. Plan A from mid May on, EA 9 months and friends longer with OM.
Last week ww told me that she is feeling a little happy about life. I asked what brought the change and she said that she felt like she could not be depressed forever and that she is feeling more settled at her new job. Last contact was 8-4-06 yelling at OM about something. WW tells me that we were in a bad place in our M at the same time OM showed her attention. Now she tells me (this weekend) that she still has no feelings for me either way, but is attracted to OM still and feels him in her stomach and can't change her feelings. I think I LB some because I told her that if she felt that OM was the one and made her happy then she should just go be with him and that I want her to be happy in life. WW tells me that her and OM are "just so compatible together." I listen with patients, but sometimes my taker comes out. OM tried to call WW this weekend and ww told me about it and that she did not take the call. I checked records and this is true - about not taking the call. She has moved to another job months ago to get away from OM. WW still lives to home and we do lots of things together - dinner, shopping , pumpkin farms this time of year. I try to get the 15 hours of us time in a week, but sometimes it is less. We will be going to a concert this month, shopping next month in the big city with a show I got tickets for. I'm trying to date my wife, but I am getting not too much in return. Please use 2x4 if need be because I have been told many times to be patient, but I feel like she is done with me and will be going back to OM at some point because ww thinks that he is the one for her and we are just friends. She told me this weekend that she is only at home for the kids at this point, but then she talks about taking the kids to Florida this winter sometime and family things like that almost everyday. Things would be a little better for me IF I could get a consistent feeling or words from her. BS how did you keep loving and trying when you were the only one working on your M.? I pray that one day ww will come to me and tell me how sorry she is and tell me that she wants to work on our M and us. I'm trying to live a happy life, but I feel like ww is just eating it up and taking all she wants, needs wise, from me.
** I can't find any form of contact**

Advise?
2x4s also

Thanks M2L

First don't try to date your wife. It is way too early for that. Don't try to compete with OM because you already lost that battle. If your WW is in NC, that is good but it has only been a couple of months. A better idea is to maintain 6 months of NC and her feelings should begin to change drastically. What you describe in your post is pretty much identical to what my WW said and did. It is alien jibberish and means nothing.

Are you in counseling? Have you read SAA? Continue to Plan A. Avoid LB's and DJ's. If your WW is abiding by NC, you are pretty lucky. That takes a tremendous effort on her part. Just try to be friends with your wife and support her where she needs it.

Change the things about yourself you know you need changing. If you can get your wife on AD's that should help her. See your doctor about that.

You do need to be patient. 2 months is nothing. You need to be consistent and strong. You have to be the one to hold your family together. Nobody else can help you do that.

to answer your leading question - your WW is definately still in the Fog.

I would slightly disagree with Pio on the above statement. I think the type of dating you are talking about is just fine. Planning fun events together - like pumpkin patches, shopping, shows, that sort of thing, when they are done just for the purpose of having light hearted fun, are a great idea. As long as your WW is open to that sort of thing, and you are not dragging her along pouting, or moody.
If she seems to enjoy it, then you are likely showing her that life with you is fun, and that is a good thing.

But, I would stay away from any evens that are clearly meant to be a romantic gesture, like a weekend away at a romantic Inn, or (do you have kids?) if you have kids, sending them away for the weekend while you plan candle light dinners, bubble baths, that sort of thing. These are all great ideas for later - not for now.

I think if you go about it in this fashion: I am planning to go to the pumpkin patch Saturday, I would love for you to come along" and then you go - hopefully with her. But, if she deosn't want to go - you still go. You are sending her the message that "I am going to have a fun life. hopefully with you - but even if you leave, I still am going to have a fun life, and unfortunatley you may have to watch from the sidelines".

It is still too early to expect anything in return. In fact, this may be a good time for you to learn to do things for/with your wife, with no expectations in return. One of the biggest mistakes we can make in M is to expect a one-for-one return on everything we do.
In the mornings, I fix my H a cup of coffee, and bring it to him. I do this every morning - even if he never does the same for me. I know he enjoys it, and so I get pleasure from just doing this simple thing for him.

you are hurting. Your wife should be doing more for you - but it just isn't going to happen right now. Hang in there. It sounds like you are right on track

thanks Piojitos and WOFF5,

Piojitos, you said that your wife sounded the same as mine does. How is your M at this point and what was your/ her timeline? Did she ever tell you how sorry she was for the pain and problems she caused? I am reading His Needs/Her Needs right now and i talked to Steve Harley - he advised to keep doing what I'm doing. It gets hard from time to time and I LB a little. I do this thinking it is over so what will it hurt. Then I come on this board and I get people that say "this is normal for a ww" so I cage up my taker for a while longer.

WOFF5,
My WW will go to and do anything I suggest, with just the two of us and with our two kids also. I bought tickets to a concert that she is looking foreward to later this month. Nothing too big just go to the concert and come home. I don't tell her ILY anymore. Too much at this point I think. I did make plains to go to the big city for two night later this year. I bought tickets to a play and made all the dinner rev and such. I told her that I expect nothing from her in return, just Christmass shopping and having fun without the kids. If I asked her to pack a bag and go to Vegas, she would. She likes the day to day life, but feels like a friend to me and that her heart is with someone else. She also knows that she can't talk to OM... her words are "talking to OM doesn't help him with his M problems, it only gives him his fix / high for a while."

So I guess I keep doing what I'm doing wihtout the LB and wait to see. I really to like to hear from BH and WW to see what to do.
thanks again,
M2L

WOFF% and I are not in disagreement. I said don't date your wife. Be her friend. Do things together. Do NOT do romantic things together. For one it will be painful for her and make her miss OM that much more and it will frustrate you to no end and you will probably end your date in a fight.

Do things as a family. Get your WW to engage in the family and as a mother. She says she is there for the kids. Use that. Make her enjoy being there for the kids. Show her what a great father you are to her children.

The jury is still out on my WW but I can tell you that after 6 months of NC, OM was not that important to her any more.

IMO I would stay away from the big city and I would not take her to dinner or a play. Christmas shopping sounds great. Stop trying to compete with OM. He's not worth it and you can't win. Pick battles you CAN win.

Maybe2late,

I am a WW. I had a ONS. It has only been 2weeks. I am so sorry you are going threw this. I do want to say a couple of things.

The OM was compared to being like a drug. You know it's bad for you but you like how it makes you feel. I would have never agreed with that before the A. I have tosay it's true. I had a friendship with OM. It wasn't a deep friendship I didn't share my dreams or plans. We where friends who flirted. When it went to far I didn't tell my husband. I liked it. It made me feel wanted. After the ONS I texted him a few times and left a voice mail. I have had NC for 10 days. He still pops in my head. It's so stupid. I want nothing more than to work out with my H.

So what I wanted to say is maybe she is confussed. It's hard. She maybe thinking she doesn't deserve you. I know that's how I feel. I am not an expert. You had posted you wanted to here from WW. So I thought I would post.

I wish you all the luck. Keep the faith until you can't stand it one more day.

wasvashesgirl2

M2L,

She has only been at her new job a month. So in some ways NC is not 2 months but about a month. It is not unusual for the WS to feel like this at this point. If I could get my web broswer to not act up I would guide you to SKM's Chronicles. She posted them on recovery a few years ago. You should read them to get a sense of timing.

Hang in there it sounds as if you are doing better than you realize.

God Bless,

JL

Just,

you did link me to SKM's post in the past and it was very helpful. The part that I keep coming back to in my head is that ww keeps telling me that "M2L, you don't get it, sometimes people just grow apart and I have no feelings for you. OM made me so happy and yes I love him." WW has been at her new job for a little over 2.5 months so the NC has been since 8-4-06. WW tells me that she knows she can't talk to him and even had a friend of hers tell him to leave her alone and don't try to call her. I think WW knows right from wrong, but is confused and in some pain herself. I emailed her a day ago telling her again that she is free to talk to me about anything and she has. She tells me that she thinks of OM at times, misses him and still has love for him. Boy that hurts, but I listen and bite my lip. I also told her that - no I don't know how she feels, but I do know she is hurtting and I will be here for her. I signed it - your loving/understanding husband.

I am not doing any of the romantic stuff, heck, it doesn't even feel right if I wanted to at this point. Once again, let me say that she will go and do anything I come up with. She likes her home, kids, new job and me (as a friend) so I will keep doing what I'm doing (plan A) and give her time. I will keep losting here also because I feel like she has me giving her EM and caring and I don't have her right now so I will turn to you great people.

I'll bring the donuts and coffee next time,
thanks again
M2L