I got more than I bargain for recently! I installed "spying" or keyboard logging software on our home computer to monitor my teenage daughter online activity (IMs, email, chats, websites, etc.). I didn't necessarily suspect anything, but I just wanted to check. Come to find out, she being a perfect angel. The ethics of this are a different topic, so let's not get diverted on that.

Anyway, what I came across as I was checking the logs was that my wife actually has been communicating with a guy from high school via email for quite some time. The tone and topics of the emails is in appropriate in my opinion. There are actually several issues that concern me. 1) She must think she's doing something inappropriate because she deletes any record of emails sent and received with this guy. 2) When I ask general questions about her activity online, she lies about what she's doing (I already know the truth). 3) She's puts up a front and will act like she's concerned about what I'm doing online, which is exactly what she's doing. So she's being dishonest and very hypocritical. 4) She only emails him at his work address and during the day when she’s home alone (me at work, kids at school).

This guy lives several states away, so I know they haven't been together since they started communicating. I know who the guy is but I’ve never met him. She isn't cheating on me physically and the emails aren’t explicit. It's just there seems to be a lot of flirting and inappropriate conversations for two married people (not married to each other) to be having. The tones seem to be making a turn and they are growing more and more comfortable with this situation.

I don't know how long this has been going on, but it appears to be for some time how. So, I have no idea what went on before I became aware.

This is killing me. She has never done anything like this before (to my knowledge). Every time I see a new email I want to confront her and ask "what are you doing?" However, I've let it continue to see what will happen. When I consider ending it by confronting her, I don't know how to go about it.

So this leads me to my question. How do I confront my wife about this? My real dilemma is I don't want to tell her how I found out. If I tell her I was spying on her it seems I would need to show I've stopped the spying once she's ended this. But then I'll never know if she's actually stopped. I was considering just asking some direct question just based on a "feeling" I've been having. I don't necessarily want to get nasty, but I've also considered emailing the guys wife (I found this online during some investigative queries on Google) and letting her know what's going on. Or anonymously emailing her and telling her to ask her husband about ________. And then see what happens.

I've just confused because this caught me so off guard and I've never experienced anything like this. I don't what to allow this to continue any longer just for the sake of seeing what she doing. Any help, advice or suggestions (and prayers) are greatly appreciated.

If you've read this, please give me your opinion.

Thanks!

Well, this sounds like a mess. Its harder I bet when you have children involved to. I'm so sorry.

Maybe you could "bait" her a bit and tell her that you had an old friend from school e-mail you to say hello. Perhaps that could open a door for you and start to make her nervous? Be open though. It would be better if you actually had an old friend, whether it be male or female.

See how she reacts. Maybe start there?

The last thing you want to do, is anything to jeopardize your kids. I'm sure that's your first priority.

Good Luck. Just an idea.....

Take steps to ensure that you have some privacy, preferably out of your home, and just tell her, without disclosing your source, e.g. "(WW), we need to talk. It was brought to my attention that you have been sending e-mails to (OM) that appear to me to be highly inappropriate. Here is one of those letters (provide printout). I have already talked it over with (OMW), and she is of the same feeling as well."

Do not entertain any questions about how you found out. Respond to them with "That's not important. What is important is what you intend to do, now that I have found out."

Warning: be prepared for lots of denial, and lots of claiming that you're being silly, that's nothing happened, that you're making a mountain out of a molehill, etc. Make sure to brush up on the definition of "emotional affair" (EA), because you're likely to have to ruthlessly defend it against her attack.

And yes, depending on how inappropriate the contents of those messages, the OMW should know, and depending on how "inappropriate" the contents of those messages, perhaps the OM's office as well (after all, he's used company time and the company's e-mail to send those messages, right?)

I completely disagree with ManInMotion.

First, treating your wife like a child will not help. Refusing to disclose your source will only distract both of you from the real issue. You put the spyware on the computer to protect your daughter, right? Why can't you just tell her that? You wrote that you're afraid she may expect you to take it off to prove you're not spying anymore, well as a responsible parent you're entitled to keep it on and she should understand that.

Second, you should not e-mail the other man's wife. Their marriage is none of your business. And wouldn't you feel horrible if your marriage survived and theirs didn't?

Just be honest with your wife. Take the high road. I hope this helps.

I completely agree with MIM.

Do NOT disclose your sources! It only encourges them to hide things deeper and make it more difficult to discover the truth.

You should speak to OMW. This IS affecting her marriage also.

Order of business # 1 is to break up this communication. OMW could be instamental in that!

He shouldn't treat her like a child. He should treat her like the WW he's discovered her to be. Most children are not dishonest. WW's are. It's the nature of the beast. He needs to plan and act accordingly.



Wrong. Disclosing the source and method will provide the WW with an opportunity to deflect questions about her activities to questions about his. He should focus on what was disclosed, not how it was disclosed.



Sure she would - and she will employ another means to continue her activities.



I was going to say something very insulting here, but changed my mind. I'll just be blunt and say that it seems that you're a bit naive about how exposure can actually help to stop an A and recover a M. I do suggest that you look for and read the contents of the thread called "Exposure 101".

FWIW, frankly, I wouldn't be put off at all if the FOM's relationship in my case crashed and burned. He raped our M - he deserves whatever consequences come as a result of that. I'll bet most BS' think the same way.

Why do you think your wife is doing this? Why is she looking for more in life? Has she been unhappy?