Hi to All the Wonderful MB folks,

I'm still working on a mediated agreement with my WS who wants a D.

He moved out Sept. 7th. I'm sad. I'm trying, I'm trying...but when I'm not so busy and I have time to be alone and think I feel lonely sometimes.

I know, I know. Self-pity, longing for self, I guess I just don't get it. Why is he such a !@$#@(&%_$)@&% to me.

I just hate him right now. I just hate him. I've had to deal with and handle so much because of his stupid A....and he is so bitter and vicious. It doesn't seem fair.

Where is the fairness?? Not in the courts, not in his head, not here not anywhere...I hate him.

I wish I never did all this...he is such a selfish spoiled brat and he was, is abusive and will never stop.

I guess this is it..you just get to the point where you've had it.

I want a plan B letter.

Thats what I'm going to do...plan B totally...so I can completely get over the j&*k.

I can't believe how inhuman he is.

Plan B sounds to nice to him.

LWP36,

You are not alone my dear. Right now it feels like it is just you against the world.

Wish I knew the magic words to take away your hurt and anger. Rest assured though your anger is normal and you have every right to be pi$$ed off. He violated your most sacred trust and it really, really hurts.

I can't stress this enough... start working on you. Are you eating? If not, you must make sure you are. Go for walks, talk to friends. Got a good therapist??? If not find one. Go to the gym. Go to your medical doctor and discuss anti-depressent options. Talk to your minister. Vent to us. And I know that what I am suggesting may be the last thing you want to do or even feel you can do. But, as soon as you start doing these things, you will feel just a little better. And then you start learning what helps you...

I am so, so truly sorry you are experiencing this pain. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Keith

Many of us know your pain. I went through it. D-day was 2/1/06.

You do what you can. Yes, what you are going through is "normal". I lost 13 pounds in 30 days! Lost a total of 25 pounds since then. But I've never been stronger.

I too, hate my WH (XHTB). I cannot stand the sight of him. I cringe at the thought of him. All the while we were going through MC, the ba$[censored] continued to lie and cheat. I re-exposed him including to his boss.

Turning back is NOT an option for me. He destroyed the option. It is no longer available to him. My first sign of moving on was changing my email address using my maiden name. How I welcomed the sound of it. I despise his last name.

How I made it through?
1)I didn't take A/D even when I begged my doctor. He said, hang in there, tough it out because it's only temporary. I'm glad I listened.

2) I went for long walks with my dog. I started to get to know my neighbors. They welcomed me to their home and their family.

3) I renewed my relationship with long lost friends. I now talk to my sister every day and with friends every week. One of my friends whom I haven't seen for over two years, drove up to see me.

3) I started to do things I would not normally do. For example, I used to think going to dinner on Saturday "alone" is a no-no because it makes you look appear "lonely". Most singles opt for take out or tv dinner. So I did it. It was no big deal. I even got to meet the people next to me. Besides, for all you know, you could be on a business trip for the weekend.

KEEP MOVING because you can't knock down a moving target.

It will get better. Good luck and be strong.

LWP36,

It's okay to be angry. I have been very angry at my WH as well. He's dragged me down and stomped all over our vows. The important thing to remember while being angry is not to hold it in because that anger will become bitterness. Find outlets to let your anger out but don't bottle it up inside.

I'm still learning to deal with my anger but I've found that getting outside helps.
Ideas:
- Going on a long walk;
- Phone dates with faraway friends;
- Journaling;
- Learning a new hobby (for me, it was golf!);
- Join a therapy group- I joined Divorce Care.

Good luck. I can feel your pain. Surviving each day can be a challenge but know you are strong enough to do it and become a better person from it.

Hi LW,

I'm sorry too for what you are going through.I am a few years post A already,post D and I am still dealing with stuff from my ex.He is determined to still be in my life,his words,even though I do NOT want him to be,and his way now is to try and make my life miserable.If he can't have my friendship,he is going to try other avenues.I cut off most communication with him,for my benefit.I still have the rare occasion to have to talk to him for his behavior( if I can't resolve it via e-mail) but other than that,I try to ignore him.Not having him around is the best thing for me.

There will be lots of emotion to ride through,long after the D too.The key is to finding a support system and focusing on the good parts of your life.For me a great deal of all this has to do with my children and making sure they are safe and happy.It keeps me going and has rescued me from some very dark days,especially in the beginning.Also keeping active helps:I walk my dog,rollerblade,swim laps,etc.Getting myself "out of my head",so to speak.

Remember,you have a life that does not have to include the ws/exws.Nurture it.And ask yourself,is your wh someone you would really want in your life as he is now? Not if it's toxic.

Dear American Beauty, ready 2 wait, Stargazily, and BHINI,

Thank you for your empathetic, uplifting support and advice. It is all helpful.

Interestingly enough it has been quite a few days since I posted...and well I miss my husband...not my WS...but my husband...

I was actually daydreaming if he walked in the door and was crying and said my name...I would know, I would hear it, if he was sincere...and I would be a goner. I be with him forever...it is what I promised after all.

This is messed up...this whole thing is messed up.

I can picture myself so lonely sitting at a divorce support group and falling for the first guy who looks my way.

God bless

I felt the same way when my WW left.

I dealt with the loss by allowing myself to grieve, staying busy, reading both self recovery and marrital recovery books, Bible, going to gym, etc. I had a lot of nervous energy and didn't get much sleep.

I was angry because I felt this crisis could have been avoided, and was due strictly to WW selfishness -- despite whatever problems existed in our relationship. (Anger still creeps in).

LWP36, when the day got long, and fatigue set in, I too drifted into a state of despair. I would also allow myself to drift into a happy ending scenario. Didn't happen.

I can tell you, though, by Plan A-ing yourself, and Plan B-ing your STBX, you will speed up your emotional recovery. As for me, I didn't do a plan B letter. Once WW moved out, I ceased making contact unless it involved the kids. Phone calls were replaced by brief e-mail correspondence -- keeping it very businesslike.

You are in the valley right now. Take it one day at a time. Allow yourself to grieve privately and vent to trusted confidents. I've vented so much that I am tired of hearing myself, but I believe it has helped with my emotional recovery.

Good luck.

You know....part of this is normal grief. If grief can be normal.

It helps to have friends or this board to which you can vent and cry.

But, please do the things you need to do to take care of yourself. After all, someone needs to do it - and it's a very important job.

Dear Hardlesson and Cinderella,

Thank you for the tips, advice and thoughtful remarks.

I'm doing better.

Boy, can you say one slooooow day at a time some times?

I'm not feeling so much anger anymore...except if I think I see the OW's car. GRRR.

I'm figuring out ways to minimize interaction with WS.

The hardest thing is Plan A-ing yourself. I'm chipping away and doing a bit more each day....but boy I thought I was doing really well..and a lot of people think so...only they don't see my undone laundry and clutter.

I'm finding it extremely challenging to have the initiative...energy especially when I think of everything to do...past the "blame" game I'm like...ok...well gotta get this stuff done...

I laugh that he complains that I can't figure out exactly what I will agree to for a settlement with him...

I'm responsible for...my student teaching, laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning house, cooking, maintenance, 3 dogs, doctor/dentist/barber/clothes shopping person, PAPERWORK!!, bills, trash, yard, car, 2 boys every other week and when STBXH needs me (twice a week in his week for the night,) homework & school contact...Oh and because I don't have a clue about law and divorce I need to have special appointments to ask questions that I don't even know what to ask about with lawyers, accoutants, mediators and STBXH. I need to see my own therapist...oh and I'm bipolar...and under all this stress it has turned itself up a notch...because I've stopped doing the things that I know help me (like excercise)...because I can't find time or drive.

Anyone have a little kick in the buttocks advice here?? I've got to stream line...and my $ budget might not make it...aghhhh!!...But gotta get to bed I've got to perform tomorrow...and people are watching to see just how well I'm being a teacher...because they might hire me..or at least write me a recommendation...besides the children NEED to learn...and I want to be nice...oh and my kids...they are still sick, emotional sometimes, and wanting and need discipline.

Meanwhile...my STBXH...has moved in with his folks...laundry and cooking and shopping is done by his mother. Errands etc. done by mother. UM...he watches kids during his week...if he doesn't have a meeting. Hmmm. Deposits $ in the acct. every Fri. for me and the kids and house. Oh and he has complained that after 6 weeks he doesn't know how much longer he can really do this "socially"...huh??? Do I even have a social life??? I know I should...but GIVE ME A BREAK. Get on your little cell phone and send your emails back and forth with OW...you'll be together soon enough. I just want to say !@#$%....

ok...maybe I still have some anger.

I've got to pick up this HUGE, HUGE collasal bag. While my WS is walking down the street whistling dixie with a little back pack.

Oh by the way...the night he left...what ever he didn't want to take...was left all over his bedroom floor...I now have about 14 pairs of used boxers in the laundry room that he left on his bedroom floor....and that is just the boxers! I have about bags full of his stuff that was strewn all over our closet and his room...the floors...just a big pig pen...dishes...tissues...receipts...coins...magazines...you name it. I put it all in bags together (except the dishes...he can deal with his underwear and mess when he gets around to it...did he think I would be his chamber maid...no he probably doesn't care one bit...and that is why he left is junk everywhere....

Anyone care to comment...

Go ahead let me have it...