WH has been living with OW for 6 mos. Just extended his lease another 6 mos.

He told me it's over between us. He's happy with OW.

I have filed for D, mostly to protect me and the kids financially.

I'm going back into plan B (slipped up for awhile). Will be as dark as I can, however an upcoming event with DD will put WH and I together for dinner. Will treat him as a stranger that evening.

So what do I do now? I've exposed to all 4 mos. ago. It seems to have made no impact. They appear closer than ever now. He obviously still has contact with her as they are living togehter. So how is this A EVER going to end? I see it as it won't if they are living together.

Is it time for me to just give up and finish the D?

cat

you know my situation is even worse than yours so i really can't give advice other than if you love him.....don't give up

i can't remember if you already shared this...why did you file for D and not a LS?

Honestly I don't know. I think I was too hasty. After finding out about the A and everything, I guess I was so angry that I just filed for D. I can't change it to LS now as WH would have to agree to drop the D petition and he won't. Has made that clear. So the D is on. Should be final in a few months.

I haven't been on this site in awhile. Had some health problems. How are things with you?

A will end ... around 2-2.5 years is average. D is your choice and it was mine too. When WS stop A and wanting to work on M right after BS found out & confront WS , M is 50%-50% chance to be healed. If you have to do plan A or plan B ... your chances is 10%. The longer A is going on the slimmer chance for M reconsiliation.

I would not advice anyone to wait specially after plan A/B. If you could look back 10 years from now and you have no regret the D. Do it.

Good Luck and you will find happiness ... I survived my WW's A and find my happiness.

-rh-

Hi Cat.

I was like you - I filed for divorce to protect myself financially. Also, I hoped to knock my WH off the fence.

It didn't work. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

We are now divorced, and he is still living with the OW after 18 months. Sometimes I don't think the A will never end (and maybe it won't - maybe they are part of 3% that make it), but I've got other things to think about anyway - like looking after my kids and myself.

If the A does end, it is going to be you who decides whether to heal the marriage - your choice, not the WS. By then you (like me) may not want him back any more.

By the way, take a note from Believer on this site - her WH lived with the OW for 3 years before they broke up. I don't think that many people could wait that long. Believer couldn't. She says that the best thing to do is just forget about the WS and get on with making yourself a fine life. The WS almost always comes crawling back in the end.

Take care.

Alph.

I guess I too was hoping that me filing would be the wake up call for him, but it backfired.

I can't figure him out. He still hasn't admitted it is an A. Says he is living with OW as a roommate.

When I wasn't in plan B, some days when he would come to take the kids, I would see a glimpse of my H. Other times he was WH again.

Will he ever wake up?!!

Will he ever wake up?!!

He will in about 2-2.5 years in average. The question is would you wait that long ?

-rh-

catgirl, I would not consider you filing as "backfiring". You may not have done it in the timeframe that you wanted, but what you did was take a stand. You set a boundary.

His not admitting to an affair sounds familiar to what my WW did to me for months. The non-admittals were coupled with frequent "I don't know's" about anything having to do with a future relationship together.

Stand up for yourself. Set your boundaries. Make them plain, and don't look back. If you don't set boundaries and stick to them, he will continue to cake-eat. The only things that WS's respond to are real consequences.

Yeah I did set a boundary, but I still think I was too hasty. I thought WH valued his family more than an OW 17 years younger than him, and would be back after he realized I wasn't going to stand for infidelity.

Guess I really don't know him at all.

Sometimes in a sick way I envy him. He has someomne to go home to, even though it's the OW, he's happy. Wish I could say the same.

Yeah I know I have to work on me. I'm on AD's, in IC, but I still want my old life back and am having a very hard time moving on. I'm getting tired of people telling me to concentrate on me and the kids. Don't devote so much energy on him. I know what I have to do, but it's so much easier said than done.

cat

is it just me or does it seem that many successful plan B's only last a few months and then the WS comes home....maybe i'm just noticing them alot lately

then there are the few where the WS has been gone for years and returns.....

Yeah, I envy the BS's whose WS's realize they screwed up and come back. Why can't I have a WS that "gets it"?

Not to be so gloomy, but I really don't see WH ever coming back. That's why I just think I am wasting my time. Even if he wanted to come back, wouldn't he have already, knowing how I feel?! I think he knows it will be so hard for him to admit he messed up, that it's just easier for him to cut his losses now and start fresh.

it would be easier for US to cut our losses and start fresh too, but we love our H so we are willing to do the hard work to be together again.....

maybe once they are out of the fog, they will feel the same way about us

Plan B is never a waste of your time. Not if you use it properly.

In my case, I stopped waiting for my WH to come home and started living for myself. That's what it's all about! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I had to stop expecting and hoping that my WH would return. I started to drive myself mad waiting for the A to end. Only by assuming that he wouldn't return was I able to move on and begin living again.

Alph.

Cat,
Some people are looking for soulmates, and others make a commitment of care for life to one person -- no matter who else comes along.

Your H sounds like he is in the second category. He found someone else and dumped you.

Harley says a marriage that started as an affair is precarious from the beginning. Why? Your WH dumped you for her. What if someone else better comes along -- for him or for her? Anyone who is willing to live with a WH also doesn't believe in a lifelong commitment of care for one individual.

You don't want back a man who isn't committed to you. If the affair dies, as it probably will, and he comes back to you, then there might be a time to reconcile. In the meantime, the next move to reconciliation is his, he isn't making it, and the best thing you can do is what you don't do -- don't make it appear in any way that it's your move.

Respectful