well, well well. i have been lurking for awhile reading on what to do, etc..... i still find it very hard. each situation is unique and yet all the same. i have been with dh since the age of 15 (both 32 yrs old) we have 3 children from day 1 he was the most caring person and i gave him lots of crap. i left him numerous times when i was around 20 years of age. i would treat him VERY poorly. i suffered a great deal of fear of being close because i was raped at a young age. it took 5 years for me to sleep with him, and once i did i then wanted to be free. he waited in the background while i hung out with friends. i even put my first child in the background because i was so confused and hurt and scared to get close to anyone at that time. fast forward. i dated another man for 5 months after being separated from wh at the age of 22 the om one day expressed to me that he wanted to get married and have a child with me because he thought i was sooo beautiful and was in love with me. the next day i dumped him like hot cakes. i couldnt see myself with anyone else other than wh.
i called him after 5 months of no communication and sd i still loved him he was the one for me. he laughed and then cursed me out, but within 2 weeks we were back together and he never mentioned anything that i did wrong from the years before never.
fastforward 10 years later i have been very committed, family means everything to me, but then i started my own business. i wanted to make money to secure our future, etc so i have put alot into making my business work, meanwhile unknowingly neglecting him.
i found out about the A 2 months ago. i confronted him about it, and he immediately came home and said ' i dont want to be with you, it's over things haven't been right between us for a long time'
i asked was he in love with her he said '****** no, i don't want to be with her either. i did not spend all of these years in a relationship with you going through crap to have to start that over again'
he then went on to tell me how over the years that i hurt him how much pain i caused him. how he felt like less than a man because everyone always knew that i treated him so poorly and he would come back like a lost puppy.
a couple of years ago he lost his dad suddenly and never grieved, and now his mother has been given a short time to live and i think that has alot to do with where he is at emotionally but he is not the type to be interested in counseling at all.
so he says he wants things to be over, and while at the same time we were moving into our new home. a couple of days later i asked him how would i start this over without him and he then says that we could just stay here together, be roommates. i asked was he going to close on the house and he said yes, and im thinking why would you close on a home that you can't afford by yourself knowing that your done with me and plan on us just being roommates. it just doesnt make sense.
so a week goes by. and he starts calling me and talking like nothing ever happened. i played that game for a few days and then became enraged. i lost it. i asked him about her and he said it's over and he is done with her.
which i partly believe because i see him making the changes as far as being home more, but whenever i try to get into a conversation about us he says i'm getting too deep.
he recently went away with friends for a football weekend. so i asked him could him and i take a vacation together and he said 'no we dont have money for that' i'm like 'what?' i was so hurt and confused because he had been being so kind initiating meaningless conversation. i thought we were possibly on the road to recovery but his disinterest in me makes me feel like he is just being a good friend to me because he said before that he was afraid to leave me because he didn't want me to lose it. i haven't pushed counseling but i did expose the A to all family who have all confronted him, which seemed to help. but now today i am so on the verge of suggesting he get the heck out of here. i am so restless. trying to be patient but i truly feel discouraged because he wouldnt even take a vacation with me. i feel truly worthless. for the past 2 months i have been in bed, at the doctor's office more than i want to be, my health has suffered greatly, cant eat ~ food doesnt even taste the same, and i dont know how to shake this.. i read the book surviving an affair, but it is so hard for me to follow the rules, i cant get a life because i feel so sick all of the time, i cant be kind to him on a daily basis because i frequently feel like i am going to lose it so i avoid him. i am horrible at communicating because it usually results in me walking away because i get so choked up on my words even after writing them down i just get sooo afraid that i am talking for nothing and it's pointless because he sits there looking at me like i am stupid, and makes me feel like he could care less.
if you have gotten this far thank you, please give any advice, i think the family is done with me, they no longer want to talk or hear about it.

Right now it is pointless to try and reason with him. It is like trying to reason with a falling down drunk. So don't even waste your words, it is a waste of time.

However, you CAN be kind to him. When you say you "can't" you actually mean you WON'T. You don't want to and are probably allowing your outraged emotions to take over. That works against you and only pushes him away. You CAN be kind to him if you choose to be so.

Every time you lovebust him, you make the OW look MORE attractive, just keep this in mind. Ask yourself in every interaction: do I look better or worse than the OW?

They key for you is a CONSISTENT Plan A in which you ATTRACT him back. I suspect that he does love you, but he needs to have a REASON to come back. He needs to be treated with RESPECT. Give him a REASON to come back and I bet his affair will die off.

thank you MelodyLane. I never saw it that way.... here are some specific questions
we still live together of course, he has initiated all calls when he is at work etc... should i call him? should i entertain his meaningless conversation when he does call or keep the conversations short? we sleep separately because he works at night, which makes it hard to initiate anything but should i try to initiate a hug? sometimes i feel like he may be disgusted by me and that i don't want to put myself out there to be rejected.. so would you try and keep trying? or wait for him to try?

His conversation is meaningless? I hope I have misunderstood this, because that would be very disrespectful if this is what you mean. But YES, you should chat with him and be very pleasant. Is the OW pleasant when he talks to HER? Ask yourself that.

Look for EVERY OPPORTUNITY to meet his needs and bring you closer together. Begin a program of ATTRACTION. Chat with him, sleep with him, hug him, make him a special dinner. Make him feel special and, most of all: RESPECTED. Show him what it could be like married to you. Give him a reason to WANT to stay with you.

Have you read about lovebusters? Click on the article at the top right of this webpage and read it, ok?

i hear you, i have read lovebusters a few times, i still have alot to learn. i'm usually one who talks to say something so his conversation about weather seems meaningless to me, but it may not be to him. sorry if i came across as disrepectful. thanks for your advice.

blind, try and show some interest in whatever subject he brings up. He may be using these seemingly meaningless subjects to connect with you. Let him lead the conversation and show INTEREST in what he says, ok? Show RESPECT. This how people fall in love.

Do you think you could get him to take the emotional needs questionaire so you could find out what his top needs are?

blind,

So you married the most caring man you ever met.....but for years, you gave him crap, withheld sex, exercised your "freedome", treated him poorly, humiliated him in front of his friends, cheated on him, abandoned he and your child, put your business ahead of him.....and now....you just can't get out of bed, or follow the "rules"????? Wow, you're really "attractive"....NOT!! Why would he want to go on vacation with someone who's "sick" and finds his conversation meaningless. You could look like Angelina Jolie....and after that much abuse and neglect....your husband would still fall out of love with you. So he had an affair huh? That's still a horrible thing....but almost predictable given the history. You sound like a small child who comes running in to say "Tommy hit me baaaaaaaaack!"

Lady....get out of bed....the family is "done" with you because you are a selfish, self centered, destructive person and they're probably feeling pretty sympathetic to your husband. Change....beginning today. Demonstrate that you CAN be a decent wife and partner....and a loving person.

starfish, i didnt come here to be bashed. i came here as a human being who made mistakes 10 years ago (stress the 10 years ago). since that time I have done everything I could to be the best mother I could be. I quit my job to stay home with my kids. I do my business for my work at night when my kids are sleep. I am at all the PTA, teachers meetings, games etc, baking the cookies the whole 9. Everyone compliments me on that. My mistake these past TWO YEARS was spending my extra time working at night and being to tired to attend to my husband -who never said a word- but never at the expense of my children. i had my own set of issues stemming from problems that i suffered in childhood, being abandoned by my mother and father etc. it's hard for someone to grow up and be a normal human being at the things that i suffered through, and at all times whenever i needed someone to show me, to love me to help me, i never had that. It took me being saved by God to realize that I am a good and decent person. I realized that my husband did love me unconditionally but it took a ton of bricks for me to see that because i was not use to receiving love. again i did not come here to be judged. if someone tells me where i could improve then that's what I am open to. I have had enough people tell me how worthless I was all my life. I don't need anymore of that because I did enough self-bashing after realizing how much I hurt others.For 10 years I have been completely faithful and have done what I thought was best I could as a wife, and I know 100% the best I could as a mother.
Starfish I was SELFISH and I was a DESTRUCTIVE person, but I made all the changes that I thought was right by being a good mother and providing as much income as possible to contribute to my husband not having to work so hard. My children have not suffered at all from my business just my husband. Please understand that.
I have been clueless as to how to connect because on both parts he never communicated to me that there was a problem. So I was left in the dark thinking I was doing all of the right things.
your sig line says you came to change your husband....
I came here to make changes as well. No one is perfect.

oh yea i must add this is his family who have known me only since the last 10 years. they have all complimented him on how good of a wife he has, because i wasn't always the devil. they know who i am today. when I said that his family is tired of hearing it, it is because they talked to him and they expected him to immediately change. not because they think that i am some whiney evil person. they all think i should leave him.

blind, I agree with starfish that you need to get out of bed. You are not going to save your marriage laying up in the bed feeling sorry for yourself. That only helps the OW! Get up, shower, put on some make up, nice clothes and fix that hair. Clean up the house and fix dinner and start living! Start concentrating on being as ATTRACTIVE as you possibly can. Ask yourself over and over again, am I more or less attractive than the OW? Am I going to help the OW or am i going to help myself?

Who is this OW? Tell me everything you know about her.

Mel gives good advice..however...you need counseling. You're severely depressed based on what you describe....
Accept some of your past actions as inexcusable and move forward...no matter what happened to you in the past it does not justify some of your actions....the same way that your H's actions are inexcusable...

So, pull up your boots and move forward....being the best person you can be....

Send me on my way....
I am the first to say what I did is inexcusable, horrible, and when i look back i think 'what was i thinking?' sometimes you are so oblivious to anyone else's pain or in the 'fog' that you can't see right from wrong. I constantly testify to everyone and anyone how wrong i was, and how blessed i was to see the light. I know that if I had not did those horrible things I would not be who I am today, which is a person who refuses to deceive anyone, a person who strives to be honest and loyal to friends and family, a person who would give my last to help anyone in need, but my downfall has been my own blindsight to meeting WH's emotional needs by trying to compensate for the mistakes by being what i thought was good.
Melodylane---
OW basically she is trash from what I could tell. I spoke with her once over the phone, she said that she did not want to be involved in this, she said that she knew about his family, that he did not want to be her boyfriend or involved with her.
I know where she lives and it is really the poorest part of town so I (assume) that she may not have much going for her. That is about all I know. I did not ask for many details from DH. In our first conversation he wanted to be done with me, and then it soon turned into alot of conversations between him and I that avoided the subject of her. When I brought it up a few times he said that it was never serious and he is done with her. I haven't asked for anymore details out of him as it may be in my best interest to not know it all, --- with the exception of knowing that it is over with her.

Well, you do need to know if he is still in contact with her and you cannot go by what he tells you. If she is married, you would want to tell her H. I would suggest doing some serious sleuthing to find out what is really going on here to see if contact has truly ended. Can you put a GPS on his car?

What does his cell phone bill look like? Any recent calls on there?

no recent calls on the bill. I don't know much about the GPS, but he has made sure to stay at home and work or he makes sure to call whenever he goes out.

He works 14-16 hours a day, 10 minutes from the house, and he has made it known that I am welcome to stop by his work at anytime.

He use to do things with friends from work, instead now he has them come over here.

It's small things that I have noticed that he has changed but he is not saying that he wants to work on things either. Apart of me feels like when I made all those mistakes and I realized that I wanted to save my marriage, I jumped through hoops to prove my love for him. There was nothing that I didn't do and not a day that went by that I didn't apologize and make myself an open book. I disclosed EVERYTHING to him. I spared no details, and that's what I expected from him, but everything that I read here says the opposite. He has made me feel like I need to go all out again, but that old part of me knows what I did when I was wrong, but I will follow instructions. Make myself look as best as I can, and continue to do what I can. You have no idea what your response means to me. Thank you.

Exactly! Now you got it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> If you think his affair is over, then I agree you don't need to go all out, but do keep your eyes opened and don't take anything he says as gospel. Trust, but VERIFY.