Husband had been having emotional affair w/co worker earlier this year. Most of 2005, he claimed they were just friends; i discovered April 06 that there was an emotional affair going on. He promised to have NC except for when they have to work together and he had those instances delegated when he could. I thought things were going well, he was telling me when he saw her (usu she was in his boss's ofc talking business when DH had to speak to his boss), except that I was having trouble tursting that nothing was going on. I disclosed to her husband in May and he said that he knew they were "close"; he apparently talked with her after my phone call, bec the first thing she did was run to my DH.

This morning I discover a msg on his cell from her asking if he wanted to talk before he went into work.

I have been trying to reach DH by phone but can't reach him on cell or work. I am so tempted to call her and light into her. Should I call her husband now, again? What do I do?

I would say yes. The "penalty" should come hard, and fast, and quickly, before any more chicanery starts.

and you will always have that distrust as long as there is any contact between the two...H really needs another job, transfer, etc.


don't call her, call her H, both your H and the hopefully ex-OW, have to know that this will not be tolerated at all. Where is your H's head at in all this? You have to prepare yourself for the possibility that H may be upset, but there is absolutely no reason for them to be talking about anything, especially outside of work. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> darnit!

If you talk to H about it first, he will probably have a "good explanation" and talk you out of contacting the other spouse. Do not give them any leeway.

I just returned fm talking w/DH. He had not retrieved the msg yet so didnt know she had called. He told me about a text msg he received fm her but never responded to. I asked him why is she contacting him and he said he didnt know.

I know about leaving the job. DH's job is good for us and our family. OW's H is in the military and there will be a change for them in April; she has already said she can't afford to remain in this area if she leaves her H. I feel that she's looking for a meal ticket and trying to set things up for herself when/if she leaves her marriage.

I'm so close to calling her and telling her to stop contacting DH. I want DH to tell her to stop contacting him but I don't want to invite additional contact between them. I'm afraid if I call OW"s H, he'll think I'm overreacting; the response I got when I called the first time was "I knew they were close."

It's high time he found out the truth.....

In my opinion the OW H should be called again and told about the text and message. If she continues to call I would call her and tell her to respect your marriage even if she doesn't respect her own. You've done everything else, so sometimes you have to be bold. That doesn't mean you get angry etc. but try to speak to her in a godly manner.

IMHO, your H still has contact with her and he is not telling you the truth. I also suspect that it was not an EA but PA. I know I really sound like a pescemist but I think I need to state my thoughts. Based on what I have read in this thread and based on what I know now about my own A situation, you may want to quietly watch him until you can get hard evidence he cant squeeze out of like I think he just did.

I would suggest soliciting input from several FWS's about his action and see what they say. They would be more likelt to know where the truth lies.

2LLP

Thank you, Mom, cb, lost, LLP. I'm not DH's mother,so I'm giving him an opportunity to tell her to stop. The msg has been deleted. And I just asked him if he's taken care of the situation. If it doesn't happen today, I'm calling the OW's H tomorrow. I also want to call her with the respect my marriage message right after I call her H, but not sure if I should leave time for the OW"s H to handle. In any event, I'm not letting the week end w/o something done.

I know about the job advice. I understand the philosophy and meaning behind it. But I truly feel that we can get through til the other couple's change comes through. Things have gotten better since discovery in April.

I do appreciate everyone's support. I still am open and welcome more advice.

WCG -

Not to sound redundant, but that it why the MB principles call for NC of any kind and that includes at work. You are like most of us BS in that you want to believe that which is least painful, even if it is a fantasy. I think that is why it takes so long for the obvious to sink in or even takes hard evidence.

I agree with LLP, don't be surprised if it is a PA and is still ongoing. Holding on until OW's gullible BH PCS's is a bad idea and will end up doing much additional damage to your marriage. Did you ever expose this A to your H employer?

Who

WhoMe, thank you for your response.

What is " PCS "?

No, I didn't expose A to H & OW's employer. I did email their legal dept @ corp office to check on sexual harrassment and basically was told there was no provision unless one supervised the other. The typical policy. I felt like exposing to OW's H would achieve the desired result, and it has .. for 5 months. Only 5 to 6 more months til they're gone.

Military jargon for a transfer. PCS = permanent change of station

Why are you so holding on to this marriage? It is obvious he is still seeing that woman and lying his [censored] off. You want to calll her husband? You want to talk to her and ask her to respect your marriage? How can you ask her of that if your own husband doesn't respect you or your marriage? Do you really need to stay married to someone like that?
Sorry, if I am being too direct, but this is exactly how I feel after reading this board.

Oh, and another thing. If it wasn't her, it would be someone else. So what if she moves to another state, there are plenty of other women around. Is this the life you want, always looking over H's shoulder?

While I can appreciate your sentiment, Ella, I thought this website was about overcoming affairs, correcting the behaviors that lead to affairs, and regaining a great marriage, assuming that is the goal of both spouses. Unfortunately, I don't sense any support or guidance from your post. Please don't tear down my desire to regain my marriage.