I am just entering into Plan B and want to know of any advice that people can give. It's been a long and winding road, and I finally got to the point where anger was taking over sadness, and I knew I had to end contact before resentment and hate were the only things I felt. We recently spent time together (having dinners, lunches, phone conversations, emails, outtings) and was told that it was good to hope that we can work things out, and that he hoped that we could 'tear up' our LSA in the near future. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

The last conversation we had, he talked about his confusion about 'us' and he told me of another woman that he has 'interest' in. That was it, my boundary of R with any OW in our M was a deal breaker. I did LB some, no DJ's, tears, but ended the talk stating that I loved him, but couldn't do a relationship that included more than the two of us. That he was important to me, and honesty was key to me. He was dishonest/misleading and that I wanted that to stop. I mentioned that I would be willing to try a R with him when he decided to come home, and do the work, until then I wanted no contact.

I have posted regarding this, and haven't really had many responses, so i changed the thread name. My sig line will give you an idea of how things have gone (Not well). I guess I wonder if there is really a reason to hope that M can be saved after going to Plan B, and if so, who HERE has had the experience of a saved marriage ( I know that Mimi has, and I appreciate all of her help)?

Temp,

No experiance here but I wish you the best.

From my understanding Plan B is to protect the love you have left for him so there is a chance later.

Sooner or later just like everyone else here there needs to be a commitment by your H to save this M.

I personally think you are doing the right thing because he is clearly crossing a boundry of yours. If you do not enforce that boundry he will never respect it.

I am sorry it has come to this. Good luck.

Thanks Frog

Sometimes it's just good to know people on the board are reading your thread and 'hear' you.

I still think about H, and say to myself, " I cannot believe HE would do this, I can't believe this is my life, I never thought this would happen to us, who is this man?"

It's hard to express this, but I think the alien reference does really fit the WS <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Hello tempinsanity,

Ii can't offer you a success story yet, as I just entered plan B last night. It sounds as though we share much of the same feelings and thoughts right now. I wish you well and will be willing to commiserate with you. Feel free to jump onto my thread as well.

Warm Wishes,

EL

Well you did a darn good job of expressing it.

I mean really they look exactly the same on the outside today as they did before but they are different.

The alien reference is perfect. I can't believe this is my life. I never thoughtthis would happen to us, I wonder who that women is sitting next to me.

It is just a copy of the woman I said I do to. I distinctly remember that woman saying she would forsake all others. In good times and in bad. I don't remember the woman standing next to me saying she would forsake all others only in good times. Heck we didn't even hit bad maybe mediocre. LOL.

The continued stupid a55 behavior is what really makes you think the alien is going to pop out and eat you.

My theory on this whole thing is an A can do one of two things. The FWS will regret their decesions etc or they will think to themselves I have crossed the biggest boundry in an M and my BS is still there. They lose the fear of losing you. It kinda sucks.

I don't think my FWS fears losing me. I wonder if it is because she doesn't think I will leave or if she really doesn't care. HMM.

For you I think plan B is a good idea.

I am not suggesting this it is a hypothetical. What would your H say if you were fine with him doing it as long as you could. I mean imagine this convo. Great you found someone else you are interested in that's cool. Look I am going out with the girls this friday, can you watch the kid? Friday rolls around and he asks what time you will be home. Geez I don't know if I don't get lucky about 1 am if I meet someone tomorrow morning. I am sure he would stand up and say WTF do you mean if you get lucky. You are my W I am not going to stand for that. LOL.

That is what makes me rack my brains sometimes.

They actually beleive they are different and special and the rules don't apply to them.

I agree completely with frognomore. My WW absolutely had to go away this past weekend to a girlfriend's and it turned into a 4 day weekend. She was so insitent that when she asked me at the last minute about my leaving work early Friday to pick up S from bus and not going to work until later Monday so I could bring him to bus, she never considered that I actually run a company and cannot just take off at a moments notice. When I brought this to her attention, she said she would take S with her and drop him off at her dad's. She never considered that he would miss two days of school for her to have a girl's weekend. Our S is in first grade right now. When we had him in preschool she insisted that he could not miss one day of school, even to go on a family trip because it was too important......

EL

Wow, Frog! It's funny that you bring up the 'going out with the girls' thing. I just went out with some friends from work last Thursday (the day that WH picks son up from daycare to have his weekly dinner with DS). He did ask what time I would be back. That was the night the poo hit the fan. That was the night I told him 'no more'. I shouldn't have opened the door so far for him, but I was going by MB's principles and trying to Plan A while separated. It was no good; he got to cake eat and fence sit even more!!!

EL,
I think I mentioned in one of Hiker's posts that it seems that waywards excuse themselves from their selfish, ruthless behavior by stating that they are different. It's kinda hard to explain. They believe that they are doing something wholly unselfish, that they are SUPPOSED to be happy, right?

My H's thing was that he wanted to 'fall in love' with OW. He complained of only having that once in his life (with me) and wanted to find his happy, because he deserved to be happy. He equated how our relationship was in the fresh, new R smell, beginning, to how R's are ALWAYS supposed to be. Not that I deserved any happiness or respect or love, no, HE DESERVED to be happy? By what means? Oh, yeah, destroy everyone else. Ah, yes, I see. Hmmm. You ARE different. Gotcha. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

The whole time he's saying these HORRIBLE things to me, I'm thinking-- SERIOUSLY? Say what? You certainly ARE different, because I don't remember this guy, he's new! Where'd you pick him up? Can we return him for the old model, or atleast upgrade the old model before moving on to the NEW IMPROVED!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

temp,

I know it is funny as a heart attack. There is no way on the face of this earth your H would be as accepting as he expects you to be.

That was the point. I have often wondered what would happen and again I am wondering not suggesting. What would happen if there was a plan O. O for open M.

It goes between plan A and plan B. It goes something like this. WS I have really been thinking a lot lately about our sitch. I am starting to really understand what you have been saying. You know this whole new R feeling sounds good to me. For this whole time I have been critical of you and your decesions but you know what I have to say I like the idea. You go ahead and see her I have no problems with that. OK now the shocked look on his face needs to subside before you continue.

I think I would like that feeling too. I am signing up for yahoo personals or match.com or even better you know I don't want an R really so I am going to adultfriend finder. I just want something new and casual on the side. Thanks honey I am so happy you opened my eyes to a new way of thinking.

Now again this is just a hypothetical. I would never advocate it. I think it is ridiculous but god it would be fun. LOL.

temp,

Let's see, you have been in your Plan B for almost 4 days. This is going to sound harsh but get back to us when you have gone a minimum of 4 months of a GOOD Plan B. Early on the WS sees Plan B as "Hallelujah, Oh Lordy I am free at last".

In a good Plan B it starts to change to "I really miss my BS and why is she/he treating me like I did something wrong"

Then changes to " What can I do to get the love of my life back"

And finally" What do you mean I(WS) was right and you(BS) don't think we should stay together"

Took my STBXW 2 years to get to that point in a nearly perfect Plan B.

Cy,
Nah, it doesn't sound harsh to me; it sounds like reality. I am not looking for quick answers, just guidance. I really am looking to do a strong Plan B, as it is my only path now.

I guess I want to believe in the beginning of Plan B that it won't end in D, but I do know this reality, and am working on acceptance. It's like the candle was blown out, but there's still that sulfuric smell of smoke wafting from the wick. I need to wait for the smoke to clear, and then I will feel better.

Hey tempinsanity,

There is nothing wrong with supporting eachother through all of this. You are into it for 4 days now and I am just finishing my first 24 hours. Unfortunately, I am in the situation where WW won't leave the house! I am trying to figure out what or how to deal with all of this. It is very odd because of things like her family coming to visit our home for the last week of October.

She actually looked as though she may have been crying today. She never really cries. I wonder if she was crying over me letting go, or her being afraid her banker is packing it in and she needs to find another lender......

Anyway, it is all crazy. I hope this does not take a year or two! I have seen a number of people in plan b where it took a couple of months. This sounds more hopeful to me.

I do totally relate to where the WW seems to think that she is allowed certain things and I am not allowed the same. I am evil and she is devine. It just makes me sick. I believe in karma and I feel really sorry for WW because she seems to really be setting herself up for a lot of crap later on in life. I still love her so I really do not want to see her hurting. But as with all good MB principles, you cannot control that for your spouse. They have the right to choose misery....

Take Care,

EL

EL,

Thank for the support; it really means a lot to me. I have to go dark with H, so I prefer not to go dark here. Sometimes I just want to know I'm not alone and that life goes on, not that I don't already know this, but you get the jist.

Wow, plan B in the presence of the WW; damn you've got guts! Mimi once told me that she treated the world like the WS did not exist. I am working toward that, and hope over the next month to achieve more inner peace. I'm sure your situation is very trying, but you are in a good place to Plan A the spouse, Plan B the WS.

Ouch!! You have family coming into town. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Have they no couth? Can't you call them and explain your current situation, and ask that you be given space and time? Or, do they not know what is happening? Oh, EL, that stinks. Hang tough

Cy,
Just as a BTW, I am aware that I have only been in Plan B for 4 days (oooo, almost 5 now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />), but I am a part of MB, just as anyone else is. I am a BS, looking for wisdom and support, not a pity party.

Sometimes I need a good 2x4, I just don't think right now is the time, maybe after 4 mos of Plan B if I'm "Oh, whoa is me"in; then would be a good time. Until then, I'm not in a contest to see whose been through more devastation, I am looking to hear information about how people felt in Plan B, what I may have ahead of me, and yes, what outcomes there may have been--GOOD, BAD or UGLY.

I do appreciate your elaboration on your sitch, as it gives me insight to the grand scheme of things, and I appreciate whatever advice you have. I may have been unclear in my original post, or too emotional, but don't take that as me looking for pity, k? Just the facts as you see them.

Hey TI,



Not a problem. We are kind of supporting each other. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />



Please don't go dark here. This is where you can maintain some assemblence of sanity. Funny, since you say you are insane....



You are not alone. The one thing you can count on is that life will definitely go on. I do get the jist.


Please, it has nothing to do with guts. In fact, I feel kind of gutless at the moment. I do not have a choice. I had quasi plan Aed for almost 2 years and then started speaking with SH this past May. This is when I learned W was WW. SH helped me to do a much better plan A through some almost impossible times. It was extremely tough, but I got through it. However, the key was to conserve energy and not run out of energy. Plan B is all about conserving what little energy I have left. I am almost out of energy. I had no choice. My WW consistently, since May refused to even investigate any kind of program or plan that could potentially make our M great. Couple this with WW making statements like: "Being near you makes me sick to my stomach; Thinking of working on our M makes me sick to my stomach; Talking about being intimate with you makes me sick to my stomach." and you can see where my energy got zapped.

Last night was her last opportunity. SH gave us a great opportunity when she actually participated in a dual session with SH for two hours. She just did this to "get me off her back so she could go to her GFs for four days this weekend." In this session SH made us an offer to go to the MB seminar at the end of October. W refused during the session. SH had me go dark Thursday night and through the weekend. When WW returned Monday night, SH had me ask, "WW did you reconsider SH's offer for us to learn about a plan that would make our M great?" She flat out refused and talked like I was an idiot for even asking since she had already told me no the week before. SH said that if she did this then pull the trigger later that night.

I took S swimming and then got home, put him to bed. Then I asked for a few minutes with WW. I said, "WW, you have consistently chosen to refuse to investigate any way for our M to be great. This leaves me with no alternative but to agree that it is time for you to find your own place to live." You see, she has been so controlling lately. Even SH was suprised at just how controlling she was when she was on the 2 hour session. She tried to control SH! One of her favorite control techniques was to tell me she was going to find her own place to live. However, her response to my statement was, "Me find a place to live! You have no right telling me to leave my house!" I found this very funny since she had threatened it so many times before. Atleast, I took her control away.

However, her latest thing came to light last night. Out of the blue she tells me she fears me and does not know what I am capable of. She says she fears for her safety and thinks I could end up physically harming her. This is crazy. I would never harm her. She knows this. However, as others pointed out to me today, she could be trying to setup some stupid trumped up thing for custody reasons. Funny enough, the OM is a cop in Phoenix. Go figure! Maybe she is in such a fog she is planning this to gain custody to let her leave the state to go to Arizona. SH has seen crazier things. SH was not suprised when I mentioned this to him today.

Sorry, I am babbling on your post now.



I actually have an inner peace. Not sure if it is from my fooling myself, or if it is real and my body has actually "let go" since I mentally wanted to be able to let go and told WW last night I was letting go because this is what she asked me to do.



I actually feel it would be a lot easier to plan B WW if she were living in a different place.



Yeah, well. Its her family. Her dad, stepmom and four neices and nephews. Back in April WW poisoned my relationship with her family. They took me off the family list and no longer invited me to B-days or weddings. It really hurt because I love them and they are/were my family. I gave a lot of myself to these people and could not believe not one of them seemed to stand up for me or our M. But, they have their own problems too and it takes up a large amount of their own time.


Nope!



They won't talk to me. I am evil or something. In reality, I am one of the best things that actually happened to them. I am not trying to brag, but I did bring a decent amount to them.



Of Course they do. You see, my WW is very into playing the victim right now and soliciting any support she can for her fantasy. She was on the phone with them when I walked into the door tonight.



Yeah, I know. Thanks for the support and nice thoughts. You see, this is how this board helps eachother.

I can get through this. Let me tell you about another weekend months ago. WW had already poisoned her family towards me. Then her sister's H's father passes away. Now, this is my brother in law's father and I have known them for 7 years and felt BIL was like a real brother to me. I decided I was going to go to the funeral to pay my respects, even if I had to drive the 4.5 hours myself, stay for the funeral, then drive the 4.5 hours back. WW felt this was stupid since she was already planning to go up this weekend anyway for one of those B-day parties I was not invited to. It was for one of my S's cousins. We arrived and the party was just beginning. She has a BIG family and there were 70 people. All of them I knew (or used to know). I was treated like a lepper. I sat in my own chair (that I brought) and stayed out of trouble. Nobody said hello to me except for a few. I would see WW go get a drink and someone would walk up to her and I would hear, "Its just for this weekend." They would be looking over at me. I NEVER felt so uncomfortable! I got through it with my own silent protest. I went the whole 7 hours without touching any of their food or drink. I ended up playing cards in the end with some of the more distant family. The funeral was not much better, but I was there for a different reason. I believe the family felt I used this as an opportunity to be around them. The only thing that mattered was BIL and he was extremely thankful I was there. The only time WW had on her own the whole weekend was a drive to drop something off at her GFs and I later find out through phone records that she called OM during this one opportunity.

Sorry for such a long post.

Take Care of yourself,

EL

Temp,

This may not be texbook, but I went into a Plan B for the simple purpose of detaching to go into a D. WS left because she was involved in a deep EA/PA. However, because of her guilt I got the settlement agreement I needed (custody of the kids, minimal payout to WS). I figured with this agreement in my pocket, if we ever needed to reconcile, we could do so later.

Without this settlement, I was very anxious.

What amazes me, is that after WS lied, cheated, lied and cheated some more, babbled and stomped on our vows, I still at times found myself daydreaming about reconcilliation. Love is that powerful. Plan B -- or just minimal contact -- really helped me focus on me.

Good luck.

HL

EL,
Thanks for elaborating on your sitch. Actually, I have been reading your posts, so I already had an idea where you were. I had read up to the point where SH told you to re-ask the questions re:working on the marriage. It's a damned shame that they (the WS) have to pull away so far before realizing that's not what they really want (in many cases).

Hardlesson,
I am currently in the midst of working on the LSA. My lawyer set it up (go figure), about 1 week after we separated in July, WH has been sitting on it since. He finally got his own representation, and apparently had some changes (seemingly minor), that he wanted to make. I will be able to be super dark after the LSA is settled. I look forward to finding more focus. I lost a lot of my power reserves over the last three months and need to regenerate.

I'm glad that you got what you needed, in the end. The children and financial security are of utmost importance, and you did great by their standards. I guess I'm lucky in a wacko sense. H never really wanted to be 'saddled' with full time parenting, so I get my darlin' Dylan most of the time. I find that he helps to show me my strength, and to give me a better focus and sense of purpose.

could i add to you original question?

for those who went into plan B AND recovered your marraige....how long were you in plan B before your H began to work towards reconciliation?

Eav,

That's part of my question also, so it's good that you pointed that out. Thanks for the elaboration.

Is it wise for me to set up my email accounts so that they block WH's emails from even coming in (block sender function)? I sent Plan B letter, so he knows that any contact regarding son or finances should go through intermediary. He has home phone number and cell number. I don't want to have to be faced with stray emails when he is feeling the full force of Plan B, or just wants to try and be friendly.

Any Suggestions?

At this point I don't think you should block his e-mails. No matter what he writes, you don't have to reply.

On the other hand, if he makes a genuine appeal to you to attempt to reconcile, it is conceivable that he might be too embarrassed to go through an intermediary and an e-mail might be the easiest way for him to express himself.

E-mails about issues other than ending the affair and reconciling should be ignored. Financial issues, etc., can go through a mutual friend.