I have been checking this board for about a month and this is my first post.

A little background: my H revealed a strong emotional A with former coworker (they tried to break up due to his guilt, so she changed her job...but things got even more out of hand after that, according to my H) about 3 months ago and wanted to move out. I was caugh at a complete shock because I never saw this coming. H was depressed for the whole length of the A and I was concerned about his well being but never suspected A, never. Because we had so much in common and we virtually grew up together and have two wonderful kids and a great life together. All was shattered after that night.

To my surprise, I was still feeling love and I wanted him to give our marriage another chance. He thought I would kick him out right away but I didn't. He chose to move out to a hotel with her for two nights. I talked to his parents and they were very saddened. The third day, he came back home, to OW's dismay. They already was deciding on an apartment, but he decided to come home instead. His reason of coming back as he told me was that he couldn't see me and the kids suffer so much and he was under too much pressure from his parents and considering all the damage he did to all parties, he chose to take the less damaging path, which was: to come back home. He said he couldn't love anybody anymore and he couldn't live for himself anymore and he was living for other people, i.e, his family. That's his mindset when he came home.
When I read through this board, I don't see anything similar to his behavior (coming back because he couldn't see me and the kids suffer?! at the height of the A?!).

He went through terrible withdraws and was crying a lot. He was on AD and got gradually better.
He was pretty good at keeping the NC after a week of contact after his moving back. But he couldn't show any affection to me. Sometimes he couldn't even accept affection. I felt very intense love with him but couldn't get anything in return. After a couple of months, things seemed to improve very slowly but surely. He started to feel alive again and showed limited care to me. He started to spend a lot of time with the kids also which made me so happy (he was never good at helping kids). But we couldn't talk about the A, otherwise, he would be very angry and looked like in very intense pain.

About a week ago, things took a turn. I was feeling something now quite right and asked if there was any contact. He said she sent him an email and he responded. That was her first email in two months. He said he almost killed her (according to him, she has a heart condition that could be worsened by emotional stress) and her sending him an email actually made him feel better because at least he got to know that she was still alive. I know he truly worried about her committing suicide because he considered calling 911 the day he told her he wouldn't coming back to her.

The email contact got me really sad. He promised NC and now he broke it again. He said he couldn't just not reply because that way she would die. He said he would never go back to her because he could never relive the traumatic experence he experienced during those days when he was hurting both parties and he said he was truly near death during those short two days.
He said he didn't initiate any contact and I believe him on this. He said he was afraid to see or talk to her because of the terrible guilt he has been feeling, to HER...

So where are we really at? I can see he couldn't imagine going back to her, but he wouldn't want to let go of his feelings toward her. I can see he is trying very hard to make himself physically available to me and the kids, but not emotionally...He refused to seek help, he refused to read books with me. When I'm showing him my love, I can feel he appreciate it, but couldn't show me anything back...He told me he was not capable...and he said he didn't know if he would ever be capable of loving anybody? I believe he is telling the truth when he said that...How do I go help him? I'm feeling so much pain myself and I need to deal with his pain also?!
How about NC? I can tell the brief email did have an impact on us but how do I go reinforce it under this situation?

I still believe in our marriage and want to try my best to save it, but how can I make it work with only me trying?
Any comments are greatly appreciated.
Thanks in advance. I know there are so many wonderful people in this board that can point me a direction. I'm getting completely lost sometimes. What I'm trying to do now is to make him feel comfort at home and I can see things are improving again...but what if she sends him an email tomorrow? Should I contact OW? I have her contact info and I sent her an email the same day they moved to a hotel don't know if it had any effort on her or him...I just talked to her about our marriage, our kids and our love to each other before and was not attacking or anything...
I do want to give up sometimes. I have a 90K salary job and I can provide for my two kids and myself. His work is very stressful (and he earns much more than me), leaving him very little time at home anyway...But I tried to think what's the effect to our kids, and I do believe I still love him very dearly. The thinking of separation break my heart. I do want to work things out for us...But how?

Call Steve Harley with Marriage Builders TODAY and set up an appointment. You are at a critical crossroads and this marriage CAN BE saved if you receive the proper guidance. Your H needs to have HOPE that he can get what he needs from this marriage and SH can give him that hope and show you how to help him. SH will not waste a minute of your time, LA, and will be worth every penny. I would not play around with this when you can get help NOW from the VERY BEST. And I do think your marriage is very salvagable.

While you cannot control the OW, you can make your marriage a safe haven from this affair with the right guidance.

This is my first suggestion. The second one would be to get your hands on Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley and our articles on withdrawal on this website. [I will look for the links]

Is the OW married?

I will post the link to the withdrawal articles when I get home from my office, but here is a good one you will want to read: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

You can reach Steve Harley at the link at the top of the page that says "counseling center." He charges - I think - $185 an hour. PLEASE CALL HIM!

You certainly have the money to call the best marriage/infidelity professional in the country. Listen to Melody Lane and set up an appointment asap.

While waiting for your appointed phone counseling review the basic principles of the MB website and order His Needs/Her Needs on the CD/Audio version. Then plan a roadtrip in the not so distant future with your husband and kind of corner him to listen to it. Don't plan it just indicate you got it for you two to listen to for your marriage. The car is the best place to corner a man and the HNHN audio book covers a lot of the Surviving an Affair material and meeting of emotional needs concepts. In the car there is no escape (though you don't feel trapped), the CD can be paused for discussion and eye contact/visual cues are not required. It's the perfect time and place to begin/supplement the understanding/pre-recovery process. You BOTH will learn a lot about the whys?

First step...call the Harley's.

Mr. Wondering

Thanks a lot guys.

I did call Steve Harley and he was very helpful. But my husband refused to do anything: no phone conseling, no book reading, no listening to CDs...

How do I get him to think about doing something about this situation? His way is that lets just move on and see if time can heal us some...and it's not working well...

I left books around...I tried to keep a CD in the car, but one time I tried to play the CD, he got so irritated that he said he would turn the car around...Did I not find the right time...or when will be the best time to make it easier for him to read or listen...What strategies should I use?

Thanks a lot again in advance...

LA, it will take some time for your H to withdraw from his affair and there is not much you can do to effect that. You can't educate him and you can't meet his needs right now. As long as he is NOT in contact with the OW, there is hope.

MrW gave you some excellent suggestions to expose him to educational tools, but you can't force them on him. Like you have been doing, just continue to leave them around.

Outside of that, I know of no magic strategy to draw him in faster. You are looking at months of withdrawal. The best suggestion I can make is to just continue to come here and vent to us. Sorry you are here!

ML:

Thanks a lot for your post. I'm thinking he is in withdrawal still and I just need to be patient.

But how about the email contact they had couple of weeks ago? He agreed on NC three months ago and he didn't tell me about the email until last week when I asked if there was a contact. His NC agreement says that he would tell me the same day if OW initiated a contact, but obviously he broke that agreement. But do I give him credit for at least telling me there was an email contact? He could have just told me nothing and I would have no way to know it...I still feel quite trusting in him I can't explain why but I feel he is telling the truth. He told me that many times he thought about initiate a contact but never did, and I believe he never did. The cell phones bills are clean at least.

I'm still doing plan A, but not so good I guess. I get needy too easily and sent him some emails trying to educate him on his A. I called him a lot at work also, which he disliked a lot. His work is very stressful and he needs to be focused during the day. I have been doing better lately.

But after he told me about the email contact, I got so upset and I told him he needed to choose to stay home and maintain NC or separate. I said that without much thoughts and regretted later on. So I didn't carry through...Now when I think about it, I'm really not ready for plan B. I think all things considered, he has been doing a great job trying to keep NC and trying to be accountable...

But how do I go from here? This uncertainty of OW intiating another email (according to H, she hasn't since the email couple of weeks ago) and H couldn't help but replying to it is making it so hard on me...Should I do a better plan A so H will make his mind to stop contact completely ? Or should I discuss about this with him more and see where we stand on this? I can see he truly couldn't help himself and he told me he couldn't think about other things when he himself felt drowning...Is it possible for him to pull himself out of this, which he seems to be trying very hard, or should I do something to help him?
I have told him that his contact hurts all parties at this time and brings more sufferings, but I don't think it has sunk in yet...

I do need a strategy at this time. If it's only his withdrawal, I can deal with it. I can see the brief contact set him back in withdrawal again after a lot of progress made, and I think he realized that also. Can I wait for him to come to his senses and use his power to stop any contact, or something has to be done to help him do this?

Thanks again for listening.

LA

LA, I agree that the biggest threat right now is contact from the OW. Will he send her a NO CONTACT LETTER stating she is to never contact him again? Will he take steps to block her contact? It is not enough that he just tells you about contact, he has to BLOCK IT and if she does get through, NOT RESPOND. The more successful he is at no contact, the faster he will withdraw.

There is a no contact letter in SAA that should be written together and mailed by you. Will he do that?