It has only been 3 months, but I am wondering how you keep on hanging in there. I find I do really well for a few weeks, then I bottom out. I start to lose sight of any positive end result. I am forgetting why I am trying so hard. I have a great support system, but sometimes it just seems like it is not enough.


I've read so many posts and I am just wondering how you stick with it?

Please help with some encouraging thought/stories. I need reminders that this is worth it and that it will work.

I know this sounds so pathetic, (especially since some of you have been at this for a very long time!) but I feel like I just can't do it anymore. HELP!!!!

hey there,
it would be so much easier if you would keep your posts on one thread and just change the title <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

it makes it really time consuming to go searching through your posts to figure out your story.

Why not do a re-cap here and then just keep on poting n this thread?

Have you read Surviving an Affair?

Have you considered calling Steve Harley or maybe even calling Bill Harley on the Radio Show?

If you have been in Plan A and feel that it is time for plan B, are you prepared? Do you have your ducks in a row so to speak?

Have you secured your finances? Do you have a plan for child visitation? There are a number of details that must be taken care of before you jump into a plan B.

Ok...so now that I have this posting thing kind of figured out...here's my story:

I confronted my WH 3 months ago. I had been feeling sick to my stomach for about 1 month prior to this and just knew something was wrong. Things had been "off" for us since January 2006, but I really just chalked it all up to my WH diabetes. It was/is not under control and his behaviors mirrored those of past times when it was out of control. I finally knew something more was going on when he purchased a brand new truck while my kids and I were gone for the weekend. We never make large purchases without talking to each other...so I knew something was up.

I confronted him and asked him if he had been unfaithful per my suspicions. It took a while, but he finally admitted yes. I freaked out. I tried to leave the house, but he stopped me saying I couldn't drive in that state. He said he would go. He packed up a whole lot of clothes and left. I think he had been wanting htis for a long time.

Within 2 days, I knew I wanted to work things out, but he was not interested. In fact, we never even talked about anything for 6 weeks. He kept putting me off saying he wasn't ready to talk yet. At 5 weeks he told me over the phone that he was never coming home. We had not even talked about anything and he had made this decision. When we met one week later, he basically told me that he did not love me,and that he wasn't trying to punish me, that he did care about me. He asid he had been wanting to leave for 2 wears but had been too chicken. He wouldn't tell me who or how many women he had been with. He also said it was all my fault, that he didn't feel guilty at all, and that he thought he would never step foot in another church because of all the hypocrits. (We met at church and have been actively involved in our church for over 14 years.) The only time he has admitted to this being a painful experience was on the phone one night when I called and he happened to be drunk. Other than that, he has showed no feeling at all regarding the situation.

I asked him that night to come home and try to work things out. That our children deserved for us to try and so did we. He said he couldn't risk getting hurt again and stormed off.

Since that time, I have had very little contact with him. We see each other at the kids soccer games occasionally. He always acts ticked off and angry at me, like I did this to him. When I asked him about this, he says it is because he doesn't want to give me any false hope.

I tried once more to get him to agree to counseling and coming home. He is not agreeable. Turns out, he has been with the same woman for 4 months now. I just found this info out this last week. It is harder knowing it is with one woman rather than one-night stands with whoever he happen to be out with.

I have read SAA and feel I have been doing Plan A since the beginning (even though I didn't know that is what I was doing). I have to admit to several times being very needy. Until I found this site, I was very discouraged. I am having a hard time of it still though because I have so little contact with my WH. I don't think he is having any EN's met by me at all. WH is spending precious little time with his kids..a fact that infuriates me...since I cannot imagine be away from them as much as he has. (Literally has been a day or two tops if you add it all together.) He never calls them to see how they are doing.

As soon as I have funds available, I will be going to Plan B, which requires me to get a LS. We have 4 kids together and I cannot make it on my salary alone. At this point, I don't even think he would notice my absence. He only contacts me to see the kids or for info regarding the kids. He is still completely happy in his fog.

I have been trying to be patient and wait for the A to end, but just am not sure that he would come home if it did.

Sorry this is so long, but I am finally trying to put all my posts together in one place.

InHisCare - No, it doesn't sound pathetic, it sounds very normal.

Let me give you the "lifeline" that I clung to on the very dark days, and throughout the ordeal and recovery, Philippians 4:13. Make yours too.

Is your husband a believer?

God bless.

I have been in the same boat for the past year and 3 months but in my story he says he wants us to be together when he is still with that OM. He has't decided to leave her completely and has made false promises all this time. I have been holding the divorce papers for the last 6 months and haven't had the heart to send them. Child support hasn't found him cause he keeps changing jobs. Go figure!

InHisCare

My story is similar to your, but we don't have children together, so there is no reason for contact.

When I pushed for an answer to his odd behavior and he left me saying I have anger and trust issues (for good reason apparently). The A was evident 5 days after he left. OW is now pregnant. Our only contact was by email, so it was hard to do Plan A. I stopped responding to his emails, which caused him to call me and give me his new number. So NC does make them swirm.

Good luck, keep me posted.

ForeverHers,

Yes my husband is a believer...or was...I really don't know now what he is doing. I know that he is avoiding God at all costs, because he can't do this and be even somewhat receptive to God's voice. He had dreams of being a missionary at one point. That makes this doubly hard for me to understand. He wasn't just sitting in a pew, he truly loved God and had a personal relationship with Him.

In the midst of this it can be hard to remember who my source of strength is and that He never gets tired of my asking for help. I err in trying to be so self sufficient.

I guess the NC is my next step as soon as I can do it. Probably need to wait until soccer season is done, so that I don't have to miss out on kid events. That is only 4 weeks away.

I am thinking of what content I want to put in my Plan B letter, have a list froma post that gives a general overview in 10 steps. So, I will probably post it to get some feedback before I send it.

I guess it brings a little comfort to know there are others in the same boat. I am praying for all of you as well. This truly is a time that we all need every bit of encouragement we can find.

Thank you all for your comments, they bring a measure of hope to me.

Yesterday and today, well actually this whole last week, I have been pondering this question: Do I really want him back? I am thinking of all the issues we have had while married and I am truly wondering is it worth all this effort. When I only think of the good times, I say yes.

But when I look at the majority of our time together, I wonder if I am just holding on to the ideal, the dream of who he could be.

Every time he has not had a close walk with God, lusting for other women has been an issue. He has been on the verge of an A multiple times during our marriage. If this is truly what he will fall into each time he is not walking with God, why do I want to put myself in this position again?

His MO has always been to stuff down his emotions, so there has never been any real communication...except before we were married. Can a 34 year old relly learn to change, I mean it can't be just a marginal change, it needs to be a total makeover of his communication skills.

I know God can do all of this, but it isn't all up to God, he has to want to change.

Are these normal questions that people in our situations ask themselves...is it just part of the process?

I don't want to be the blind fool that just stubbornly holds on to an ideal or God's best plan, when the reality is that ideal/plan is out of reach. But I also don't want to let go if there is the slightest chance that this could all work out.

Rambling thoughts I know, but it helps to vent. It helps to get input from those who have gone before.

This weekend was a small turning point for me. I was reminded why I need to stand and fight for my H.

Every day is a new stuggle, but I think I regained the hold I had on wanting my M to succeed. It seems so silly that I would start to lose hope so early in the journey, especially reading the posts from those of you who have come so far in the journey.

I am committed to doing a great Plan A for a few more months, then off to plan B. All the while hoping for a miracle in my WS. The A has been ongoing for 4 1/2 months now, who knows how long it was an EA before that...but exposure started 3.5 mos ago.

I spoke to his employer on Sat. and the only reason they let him keep his job was because of our kids. (company is Christian based, so he put them in a bad spot). helped to know so many more people are not supportive of what he is doing. Talked to FIL last week as well and he thinks WH is stupid!!! MIL has allowed WH to live with them since Aug. But at least I know now that they don't like what he is doing, especially FIL.

Found out that WH spends pretty much every weekend at OW house...playing house no doubt!!! That is hard to know...wish I didn't! I think this is why he doesn't take kids all the time...it would interrupt things! Hopefully spending more time with her will bring some reality to the situation...if not, Plan B will.

I could use some suggestions for implementing a killer plan A when WS is not in the home. Contact is so rare, 1-2 times a week. It is also hard to meet EN's this way. So any input would be welcomed.

So my question is this:

In Plan A, do I subtly let my husband know that I still love him. Is it ok to occassionally send e-mails that just remind him I am thinking of him? I know I shouldn't overwhelm him with stuff, but we have so little contact. I almost feel like I've been forced to Plan B early (by him).

I know in the past I have stepped way outside of Plan A with asking him to come home, but how can I convey that my feelings have not changed even though he and I are not in much contact? Do I just assume he knows this stuff?

I have been working on me, making needed changes that are for my benefit as well as his. But I am just feeling so distant from him. If I keep going at this rate, he won't even feel the sting of a Plan B.

I know from conversations with friends recently, that he has thought about what he has done. Before (5 weeks out from d-day) he told me that he didn't even feel guilty and that he didn't care about forgiveness. This week he told someone I don't know how she could ever forgive me. And that he didn't know how I could ever trust him again. Now I realize this doesn't mean he is any closer to stopping the A than before, but I am glad that he is at least admitting what he has done/is doing is a hugely painful breech of trust. Before this, he has acted as if what he was doing had no real consequences and that he didn't care at all.

I know that as a Christian, he also must be feeling like he can't get out from under this, that God won't forgive him. I think he feels like he's dug a hole for himself and instead of stopping the digging, he feels like he can't get out of the hole, so might as well stay in the hole! I think I would feel the same if I had done this to my family.

I want to encourage him, but know that it would not be receieved well from me. But I am praying that God would send someone to speak into his life.

Help please!!!

ABSOLUTELY!!

I don't know about SUBTLE...

You want to EVIDENCE your LOVE for him...

You especially want to meet his PRIMARY EMOTIONAL NEEDS and ESPECIALLY those NEEDS that you were not meeting..the NEEDS that made him vulnerable to having an AFFAIR...

Don't ASK him what those NEEDS are...

Try to use your INTUITION....

Read HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS by HARLEY to gain an understanding of this....

Yep, I've BEEN THERE..DONE THAT....

Hugs to ya....

mimi,

Thank you so much. I feel like I have been afraid to express my love, through actions or words, because he has resisted that so much.

I know the EN quiz was kind of hard for me to fill out for him, we had gotten so distant. The bummer is that SF is his #1 and I have no opportunity to meet that one. But I can focus on the others as much as possible.

I sometimes feel like I'm stumbling around in the dark: sometimes I stub my toe, and other times, I make it right where I am going without injury. This is such a crazy journey!

I need al the advice I can get, because my natural instincts are not so good!

sorry to hear about your situation.

A few quick comments:

1. plan B isnt a trick to "make him come back".
"go to plan B if plan A is having no effect", is completely invalid reasoning. Plan B wont work, without a reasonably done plan A. And plan B isnt done primarily to "bring him back". It's done primarily because you cant take doing plan A any more, EVER. (not just "i'm tired and need a recharge from plan A this week")



" Is it ok to occassionally send e-mails that just remind him I am thinking of him?"

Not at this stage. You just sound needy, which turns him off even more. i would recommend you stop this entirely, as of this minute.


" I feel like I have been afraid to express my love, through actions or words,"

you shouldnt express your love for him in the way I think you are thinking . When mimi says you should "evidence your love for him", that doesnt mean the male equivalent of "send him roses". That means, do the things that mean something to him. It might help to attempt to think of him as a "best friend" for a while. Try to make him happy, but only in ways that you would do for a best friend. Anything that you would only do for a boyfriend/lover, is probably a bad idea.
(except for wearing clothes that he thinks you look good in.)

techie,
Yeah, this is kind of what I have been doing. About the only thing I can do is look good when he sees me. I don't call or e-mail unless it is absolutely necessary, regarding the children usually or occasionally finances. I just wanted to make sure I was on the right road. Like I said, it kind of seems like Plan B already becuase he could care less what is going on with us.

I guess I was just wondering if I should every once in a while remind him that I do still care, but have been afraid to for the reason you stated...pushing him further away.


I have been living my life, yet hoping for his return. He sees me happy and laughing when he sees me and I make sure not to express my disgust with what he is doing. He knows that.

I see now from reading some recent posts that Plan B is really about protecting yourself emotionally and helping you to move forward, not like you said about winning him back, which iis what I was thinking it was for.

God it stinks to be desperate and needy and have to hide it!!!LOL

Thank you for your comments, they were/are much needed.

I don't necessarily agree that it's NOT a good idea to call or E-Mail if this is your only means of communicating with him.

It depends on what your H's top ENs are...For example, if ADMIRATION, E-Mail or call to express your APPRECIATION for stuff that he is doing..to help you with the kids, etc. If AFFECTION, send him a cute card, expressing your love. If SF, make sure you look SEXY when he sees you, dressed in ways that he finds APPEALING.. If CONVERSATION, talk to him on the phone or when you see him in person...

What would be unappealing would be to BEG OR PLEAD for him to love you, to end his A, etc.

It is IMPERATIVE for you to DEMONSTRATE your ABILITY to meet his top ENs....before going into PLAN B....

I get beat up for this on the forum. I'm not advocating it for you...but folks here did support me in this. The thinking on this seems to have changed since that time. This being said. It's your choice...but I SEDUCED my WH more than once during the A..and our sex life then became very active during PLAN A. It was a choice that I had to personally make and I would do it again without question in a minute.

mimi,
I only wish I could seduce him. SF is his top EN and I know by looking good that his eye is drawn to me!

I did send an e-mail yesterday after your post just letting him know I appreciated him suppoorting us financially, that I know he could have not done that (at least until legally required to do so). I know he needs admiration and to know that he is a good provider, so I wanted to make sure he knew I appreciated what he was doing, even though it is his responsibility.

It is a very fine line, not being needy but dangling that carrot just in case he is in a receptive mood. I just don't want to miss an opportunity to let him see there is a way out of the hole he's dug.

Thanks for the help!

Sending that E-Mail was great.

So when do you get a chance to see him?

Does he come to the house?

I only get to see him on Saturdays at the kids soccer games. Occassionally he has come to the house to pick up the kids for a visit, but that has only happened a few times since he left.

When he comes to the house, he does not come inside, he just waits at the door for the kids to come. Sometimes he tries to get me to just send them out, but I nipped that in the bud last time he came. He tried to p/u just our DD and said he didn't wnat to upset the other kids, I said that he needed to treat them more special than that. He agreed and came to the door, hugged on all the kids then left.

One day I thought about making a "booty call", but couldn't bring myself to do it!!! LOL

Mostly, he appears angry and disgusted by me (he says to keep me from getting false hope), which makes it hard to interact with him. I always do though with a big smile and look him in the eyes. Except last weekend, I just smiled at him, but didn't speak to him and went about having a great time. I barely acknowledged him and people said he watched me alot.

I just don't know how to get my Plan A done; and Plan B won't work w/o A so I am in a hard place.

In all sincerity, do you think your WH would respond to this? I'm not laughing.

My H did. He never said NO.

This left him with UNFORGETTABLE MEMORIES OF ME during PLAN B.

Be aware that we might get a lot of heat for this conversation..but I am honestly sharing my personal experience with you..trying to help...

Also, think of ways for him to have to come inside the house so that he can FEEL the COMFORTS of home..

Invite him in..tell him that you won't be home when he picks up the children..that you "HAVE PLANS" so he is welcome to come on in....

I am not sure if he would or not...or if I could even follow throguh with it...there is so much stuff in my head about him being with OW. But, I don't know... People that live with their WS do it in an effort to sway, why shouldn't I be able to just because he is not in the home? What is so bad about that?

I will try getting him inside when he comes to pick up the kids and I'll make sure the house looks great when he does, maybe some food smells in the background. I am sure this is one of his secret EN's. even though he never really spoke up about it, trying to be modern and all.

I have in the past not been home when he dropped the kids off, so he had to wait for me in the house. He seemed very irritated by it all! I am sure it reminded him of what he left behind. Or he may have been late getting to OW and their plans for the evening!

I just need all the opportunity I can get. Plan A seems virtually impossible when the WS has left and leaves little contact room. He does answer my calls, but I try to keep them few as he is not into conversation! I do always try to sound upbeat. I have a few bad days though and I know he heard that in my voice as well.

Thank you for your advice...after all, I have nothing to lose and everything to gain!