Every time I think I am getting to a good place, my WH does something so tupid and it justs sets me off again!!!!

The stupidity (fog) of a WS is so overwhelming! One weekend, my WH says he wants to start taking the kids every weekend, then he doesn't show up to regular events that they have. This week, my DD9 invites him to her talent show and he says he will probably make it. Then he calls me the next day and says he can't because OW has to drop off a rental car and he has to give her a ride home. I tell him those are his priorities, not mine. He rushed off the phone after that.

So, I e-mail him telling him that I want to sit down and figure out exactly what involvement he wants to have with the kids, because I don't know him anymore and don't know what his priorities are. I also said he needed to call DD and tell her that he was not coming, that I would not do it for him. Also asked what OW did befoe him, didn't she have any friends who could help?

WH then calls a few hours later to say he'll be there. Victory for my DD.

Then , WH misses 3 soccer games the next day, including final game for DS5. When gently asked about this on Sun, he says, "Oh I spaced out, I went to the Tatoo Expo." Why can't he just be honest and say he didn't want to come. WH is not (normally) an idiot who forgets things.

After all this, I called a lawyer, have consultation this week, looking at LS to protect my finances and my children.

I pray every day for my WH to see the light, but I am getting so burned out with all this irrational and selfish behavior, especially at the expense of my 5 children.

I did behave though when speaking to him. No LB's.

Plan B may almost be a relief to me when I get there!!

I am wondering, after reading so many posts and threads...my WH seems so totally gone. He doesn't srgue, fight or even have an opinion about anything regarding our M. In 31/2 mos. we have only spoken 2 times about relationship at all. He seems like he has completely thrown in the towel. He has basically abandoned his kids, all but financially. He has seems them about 1 time each month since leaving and never calls them.

Most of the stories I read have the WS at least on the fence at some point. He has never esxpressed anything even remotely like he might ever return or that he would even consider it.

He just left us. I can't really even do a great Plan A due to such little contact.

I am so angry today that I just want to explode all over the place. How do you keep your sanity through this. I am a Christian woman, but have been struggling to find peace in this situation. Every day is a new battle for my mind.

I am seeing an atty. tomorrow for a consult. I am headed toward a Plan B, but w/o a great Plan A I may just be spinning my wheels.

Just needing to vent today, sorry if this sounds like a broken record, but I feel broken alot lately, even with all the wonderful positive things in my life. Like my 5 beautiful kids!

I am wondering, from those who have used AD's in this sitch, do they help? I have an appt. but it is 2 1/2 weeks away. I cannot function this way anymore. I am usually so much more in control of myself and this is too much. I feel like I am having the worst PMS on record and that it never ends!!!!!

I feel like if I could just stop being so weepy, I could get a clear head and not feel so "lost" all the time. My mind knows there is hope and peace, but my emotions will not follow suit.

I am really angry lately as well, so that is an even worse mix. Thank God I don't see my H often or else I am sure I would have erupted like Mt St Helens!

I am glad to read so many posts here that help me to not feel like I am alone. There are so many amazingly strong people here. I am praying for many of you, and that helps take some of the pity party mentality away.

God Bless, JV

Okay... booty call... if you do this you are acting in a very irresponsible manner and anyone that suggests even in a round about kind of way that it is okay, is doing you a HUGE disservice. Ever hear of STD's. Aids kills and HPV can too. Enough said about that. How about the way you would be degrading yourself.... sexually sharing your H with another woman. Hey, a threesome sounds like a better idea than that!!!!!!!!!!!! Consider how ridiculous that would be.
As far as AD's... yes, they work. But try exercise first. The efficacy of exercise is equal to that of an AD.

Best of luck to you.

((((IHC)))))) Hugs to you , my sister in Christ!

I don't know where to start -

YES! AD's help. do not wait 2 weeks. Call your Dr - OB/GYN, or family DR, whoever you can get in to see ASAP. When I went in - I was too weepy to even call and make the appt, so my sister called for me, and went in with me. I just said that my H had recently left me for OW, and started to cry. The Dr asked a few questions (just to make sure I was not planning to kill myself) and then wrote the prescription. The AD’s take a while to work, so the sooner you start, the better. They will not make you feel “high” or happy – they will just help to even your moods out. You will be able to think a little more clearly. As a busy mom, you need to take the help. Also, if you are not sleeping well, be sure to mention that to the doc as well. You NEED to sleep, and if you can get a small prescription for a sleeping aid, for the really rough nights, then do it. None of us like the idea of taking “drugs”, but this will likely only be a temporary help, while you are going through a major trauma.

Also – you feel like your WH is too far gone. Not true. He is following the same script as many other WS’s. Mine left on D day. He used to go to church, although he never had a solid relationship with God. But I felt like he was Christian. I also remember when the kids were young, I told a friend of mine that “My H would never leave our family, because he could never stand to be away from the boys!” Well, after he left, he rarely saw them. Our oldest was a teenager, star of his high school football team. WH rarely even came to his games anymore. Your WH is no different in that respect.

I remember all the times my WH treated me with disdain, disgust. He acted like he was angry with me for what HE had done. He told everyone who listen that he was done, he would never return, he should have left long ago, blah blah blah.

Let me tell you that my story ended in a D – I have no regrets. BUT your M will not necessarily end that way. Because even though we did go through with the D, a few months afterward his relationship with OW ended, and suddenly he was saying that he wanted his family back, wanted me back, never should have left. He was blaming her – she filled his head full of lies, he was crazy at the time. I even considered reconciliation, but unfortunately his addiction to porn and OW had grown at that point, and he would not stop talking to multiple “friends” on his cell, so I told him that I wasn’t interested in a man who would not give up porn, or talking to OW. I wanted better.

Your H’s current A will end. I have no doubt about that. And I hope, and pray, that he returns to his first love – Jesus. I pray that he will repent, turn from his sin, and become the man of God you deserve to be married to. It absolutely can happen.

Another thing I want to tell you about plan B – it will give your WH and you both the chance to see what D will look like. He needs to see it – really see it. Hopefully he will wake up and repent! If not, then later on, if you should choose to D him, then you will be able to look back and say “I showed him what it would look like. It should be no surprise to him now, when I gave him exactly what he asked for.”

Hang in there. Take good care of yourself. Stay close to God. Love on your kids.

Hi, IHC.

Wow, a lot of your sitch resonates with me!!

AD's ... I'm on them. It took a while to get the right one, the right dose, and everything else. They are not the instant help that I was hoping for when I first called my doc, but I do think that they have helped me. And, like MEDC said, my doc also strongly advocates exercise and says it does as much good as the AD's.

As far as how well they work ... I think I was expecting too much initially. Thought I'd be sailing through everything and never have to feel any of the bad stuff. It's not that easy, but what they do do for me is take some of the edge off. So I might still feel like my heart is sliced open sometimes, but the difference is that I also feel like I'll be able to live through it. It still hurts, but it's not so crushingly, oppressively devestating that I can't function, or can't get out of bed, or feel like I can't breathe. I think it also helps from a day-to-day perspective, where the painful waves don't come as often. I can get through whole days at a time without falling apart or crying now, which is nice. I can also enjoy things that I had lost interest in before.

I did have a HUGE Mt. St. Helens moment recently, though! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> The AD's definitely don't make you perfect!!!!


I also really relate to your comment about your WH being totally gone. Mine stayed in the house, but we went quite a while doing everything we could to avoid each other and not be at the house at the same time.

Anyway, mine also was very cold and distant, we definitely weren't speaking about the relationship at all -- he was very clear that he was done. The few times he did speak, it was a power play with the kids or the house, or to tell me how he couldn't trust me and would be humiliated to be seen with me. So he was in the house, but not even close to the fence -- he was firmly on the other side. And he was very clear that there was no chance of ever saving anything.

Now we're nowhere near being in the clear, but as I type this, he's called me twice just to say hi. Has talked to SH and scheduled another appointment with him. Has read HNHN and is working on the EN and LB questionnaires.

This from a WH who was TOTALLY checked out and DONE three weeks ago.

So there's some hope.

(I'm realizing that way too much of this post is about me .... I didn't mean for it to sound like that .... I was trying to say I've been there and feel for you, but not to give up, because there's always a glimmer of hope.)


"I am so angry today that I just want to explode all over the place."

I did this, it was not pretty, but it did shock the heck out of the WH and let me talk to my real H for a while. I think it's ok, and even part of Plan A, to show your anger (and sadness) to the WH. Not being a sobbing mess or vicious tornado all the time, but being really open and honest. Short, easy "drive-by's". It sounds like you already do this pretty well -- like when you mentioned his priorities in missing DD's talent show. That was great!!

"How do you keep your sanity through this. I am a Christian woman, but have been struggling to find peace in this situation. Every day is a new battle for my mind."

One day (or minute) at a time. It's hard to keep remembering to give this stuff up to God. Especially when you're also trying to plan and figure out what your next step is and what you're suposed to say and do and ...... oh, yeah, and give it up to God.

I found a Divorce Care class that is run through a church, and it's helped me with some of that .... with finding some peace and with some of the anger and other things. Something like that might help if you can manage it?


"I am seeing an atty. tomorrow for a consult. I am headed toward a Plan B, but w/o a great Plan A I may just be spinning my wheels."

Mimi is a master at working the plans, so I'd listen to what she says about Plan A. To my novice self, it sounds like you're doing a great job of Plan A, even with the limited amount of time that you have to do it. When you're ready for Plan B, he's going to remember you looking great, being a great mom to his kids (OW can't say that!), being able to smile and look him in the eye and show him how fabulous you are. He'll remember, and he will miss it.

I think he already does if he feels like he has to be a total jerk so as not to get YOUR hopes up. I wonder if the OW is behind that thought? Maybe it's HIS hopes she's worried about.....?

Good luck at the attorney!


"sorry if this sounds like a broken record, but I feel broken alot lately"

(((((hugs))))) You're not broken. Like LA would say, you are a whole, beautiful, amazing creation. Valuable and loved and worthy!! Regardless of whether a fog-laden WS can acknowledge it or not.


-AmI.

WOF5 and AmI,

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I needed your words of encouragement so badly. At the start of all this, God promised me restoration, but the journey is so much longer and harder than I anticipated. He has provided miracle after miracle as far as encouragement and finances, but I still find my emotions going haywire...against my mind! I told my kids at one point (they only know that Dad is not walking with Jesus right now) that if God cared about all the little details, then He cares about the big one! I need to remind myself of that more often.

I love to hear other stories that can bring glimpses of hope. It is so hard to talk to friends at church, because so few of them have even come close to walking this road. And, this is all consuming to me, I am sure they get tired of hearing about it.

I am glad to have heard from you and will look for your threads to read up on your sitch's.

The meeting with atty, went ok, but I can't come up with the retainer for a few months...looks like I may have to try the do-it-yourself approach. I can't go to Plan B without the CS sitch in place. I think I may find some peace there. I know that whatever the outcome of this is, recovery or DV, that God has an amazing plan for me and my kids...I also know which plan is His first choice, but my WH has free will to choose otherwise, that is what makes me so sad at this time.

I am praying for my WH every day. I know that with God, there can be an instant change...I guess that is the dream of all BS's. I just hope that I can protect the love I have for him until such time as he responds to God's calls. I also pray for the demise of their relationship. That they would begin to show their true colors to each other, that the fantasy will be broken and the light will shine brightly on them.

Again, I say thank you...I felt such a relief to have responses to my post.

In:

With the help of Steve Harley, I found it helpful to think of my WH as being like a DRUG ADDICT...like a HARD-CORE COCAINE ADDICT. All that he was focused on was getting his next FIX from the OW. He was forsaking almost everything else but that. HIS LIFE WAS HER AND THE DRUG SHE OFFERED TO HIM. So even though a part of your WH knows that he is supposed to be there for his kids, it helps to ACCEPT that he is not going to be there for them. YES. The H that you once knew is FOREVER GONE. BUT, your H CAN RETURN. If he does return, though, he will NEVER AGAIN be the SAME PERSON because of what he has gone through as a function of his affair.

ACCEPTANCE. It's like coming to terms with a CANCER DIAGNOSIS or worse yet that you are DYING. I know. It's that awful but there is VALUE in the ACCEPTANCE. You are not LONGING for what is not possible. You start dealing with the REALITY of what you are faced with. ACCEPT THE REALITY YET MAINTAIN YOUR HOPE. In fact, this is actually what we tell CANCER PATIENTS in order to encourage them to continue with TREATMENT.

MOST DEFINITELY get the ADS. They make a TREMENDOUS DIFFERENCE in your ability to cope with this tragedy.

I plan to stay on my ADs FOR LIFE..some good stuff!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

What about getting him into the house?

Of course, he's avoiding this and you..he does not want to be TEMPTED by the pull of GOODNESS when he is so caught up in EVIL. It's like DRACULA staying away from the CROSS...

With your UNDERSTANDING AND KNOWLEDGE of this. YOU HAVE THE POWER!!!

LATER.....

Hi, IHC.

Just wondering about you. Did you find a way to get on AD's or are you still waiting to get in to your doc? It takes a little while -- a couple of weeks -- for the AD's to build up enough in your system, so if you're going to do them, the sooner you get started, the better.

Sorry that the attorney appointment wasn't a little more promising. They offer "do it yourself" divorce and custody clinics here a couple of times per month for minimal cost. Maybe something like that, or leagal aid could help? I bet you could call your county court and they'd know what resources are available in your area.

Check your state court website, too. Ours has family law filing templates on-line, along with instructions on how to file yourself. There's no legal advice there, but enough basics to file LSA on your own if you had to. You have to be careful and know what you need to protect or fight for if you go that route, though, since you wouldn't have an attorney advising you.


I was thinking about your and Mimi's discussion about SF ... I'm one who's deathly afraid of STD's, so I'm personally very cautious about the whole SF idea. And in your sitch, it seems like it's not really possible at this point, anyway.

But I think it's still possible to kind of touch on the SF need without actually meeting it, by ramping up all the subtle, seductive things that women learn how to do ....
The little comments that are just-suggestive-enough to catch his attention and make him wonder if you really meant it that way.
Letting him 'catch' you in that barely-this-side-of-appropriate shirt that makes him forget to look you in the face, with your hair up or down or wet or whatever way he likes it.
The walk, the hair toss, the devilish grin;
Just barely, accidentally brushing past his arm or touching his shoulder
.... all the not-quite-obvious, apparently effortless, seductive little things that will still drive him nuts. And then let him go home and stew over it. It will probably also drive OW nuts because she won't know what's going on, and he won't really be able to talkto her about it. (Can you imagine that conversation? Telling his girlfriend that he's turned on by his **wife** and can't get you out of his head? HA!)


"At the start of all this, God promised me restoration..."

Hold on to this. He doesn't make promises that He doesn't keep. May not be restoration in the way you think, but He'll keep His promise.


"...God has an amazing plan for me and my kids ...
but my WH has free will to choose otherwise ...
I am praying for my WH every day. I know that with God, there can be an instant change ...
I also pray for the demise of their relationship. ... that the fantasy will be broken ..."

This made me think of what a friend said the other day. But I have to stick a little caveat in here before I share it with you ..... I've never felt like I could "hear" God's voice or hear things directly from Him - beyond being able to read His word in the Bible. So I admit that I'm not really sure about it and usually skeptical when a person talks about conversations they've had with God.

A friend of ours who has been praying for us was talking about praying for his son several years ago when the son was heavily addicted to drugs, into crime, and living on the streets. He said he was praying for God to take his son out of the siutaion, and God said:
"Why are you asking me to do something I can't do?"
"What do you mean?"
"I gave him free will."
"Then what do I do?"
"Ask me to do what I can do."

So he started praying that God would remove any pleasure or joy or good feelings from the sin.

He says that within weeks, the son was home and clean and has never gone back. I do know that the son has been clean for years and is doing great now.

So maybe as you're praying for your WH and the demise of their relationship, you can also ask God to take away any pleasure or happiness or joy that they get from each other. That might help speed along the demise of their relationship?


Hope you have a nice weekend!

-AmI.

Mimi,

Iam trying to do this...it is very difficult to get to that place, or worse, staying there when you finally see do. It is so easy to go back.



This is very helpful to me. It helps because you can detach you H from the WH, just like they are 2 separate people. Helps me not to hate H.

I have not had any luck getting him into the house, however circumstances have come about that required us to spend most of Sat. together.

We have a rental property that I am going to be moving into for a short time. It is the only property H and I own. It is a rental that we have to gut and remodel in order for it to be an acceptable living space for me and the kids.

Wh just wants to fix it and sell it. I said that if I am making the sacrifice to move into a 750 sq. ft apt with 5 kids, (2bdrm, 1 bath, mind you!) that it had to be nice. No bottom of the line carpeting, etc. WH agreed to most of the items I chose.

He was also wanting to fix it quick and sell it quick. I said it wasn't fair to have me move in only to have to move so quickly, anything less than 6 mos. was not fair. He backed off and started tewlling vendors that I'd be living in it for 6 mos.

Most of the day was spent ignoring me as much as was possible. No laughing at any playful jokes, etc. Barely speaking when asked questions. No eye contact, no touching. Never initiating any conversation himself.

The day made me want to give up. I asked God again to release me, I don't know this man I am married to and would never marry anyone remotely like him. (I know he's a WH, not my DH..but it is still hard to remember that!)

He was so distant and disconnected from me. I had a hard time seeing how he came come back from that place.

After the shopping excursion, looking for product/materials, etc. (which by the way has a funny story in it...WH's OW works at a chain hardware store - how they met- one near our apt., but we had to drive all the way to the other side of town because "they have a better selection of carpet". She was working at the time...he knows I know that! What a dingbat!) he drove me home. he asked how I figured out how much CS would be. I told him that I got online and used a "calculator." CA is pretty straight forward in how it calculates CS. I told him the lawyer also said that was how they did it. He got very rattled and said " you talked to a lawyer?" I kind of got around it by saying I had talked to people who were lawyers. I didn't want to tip him off.

The conversation then turned to DV. I wish now thatI would have said that I wouldn't talk to him about DV, only reconciliation, but I didn't. he said he was hoping to keep this away from lawyers. He didn't want anything from the house (just the rest of his clothes and some tools - of which I would never have any use). He only wants the kids every other weekend. I didn't really say much during this part of the conversation...just something about living in reality (knowing he was thinking this way...not wanting to work anything out, etc.) and that it would only cost him 350.00 to file, so I didn't know what he problem was.


Gotta go...will finish later.

My appt w/ the dr for AD's is still next Friday. I have started working out like MEDC suggested. I had actually started that last week, knowing it could be hugely helpful. It really did seem to help quite a bit, but I definitely still need to get the AD"s. I still cry over everything!

The weekend was very hard for me. I think it made things seems less hopeful to see him be so cold and distant. It really feels like he is done with me. Unlike many of the WH's I've heard about hear, he doesn't say thins to purposely hurt, but his silence is his weapon. It just messes me up to have tp be around him.

AmI,

Ok, I am only half way thorugh your thread and I am in awe of you! You are an amazingly strong woman. I don't know how you stayed so solid through all of this. I think someday you're name is going to change to IAmOK!!!

I had no idea the SF topic would get so heated ..(other thread). I mainly was just venting some emotion...I really don't think I could do it even if I could (you're right...it's not an option w/ WH). I really understand both sides of this debate, and I don't know what I would do if the opportunity presented itself. I could go either way, but it really isn't something that I could see happening anyway. I would definitely be afraid of STD's, etc. very risky. But I see too that SF is my H #1 EN, so I know how it would help too, just like Mimi said.

I will be trying the things you suggested if any opportunity presents itself while we are working on the apt.




I don't know that I've "heard" God's voice in the literal meaning. But I do know that still small voice spoken of in the Bible. In fact, this weekend, I asked God to release me again from this M. It had been so hard to be around a stranger (WH). The very next day I was repeating my request and circumstances happened that were undeniable that God was again telling me to wait. I was not totally thrilled with that answer, but I am willihng to be obedient to God's plan. I just keep asking for updates a little too often. Kind of like the kid in the car saying are we there yet? I feel like that a lot lately...am I there yet?




I know that it may not be what I am hoping for...but I am trying to remeber that He only gives good gifts!



Doing it!!! So are many of my friends, pastors, etc. There has to be more than a hundred people praying for my H to be restored to fellowship with God...when that happens, then the other stuff becomes possible.

Well, A is at 5 months and counting...I only hope it is over soon.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> Thanks for the compliment. I'm not so sure about being strong as much as just hanging in by my fingernails .... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I've gotten lots of great help here, probably would have been long-gone if I hadn't.

I'm also kind of where you are .... I've felt like I'm not released to leave. It often seems like it would be SO much easier to just go, but I guess I feel like God's been pretty clear with me about that, at least. I haven't ever had any conversations with Him, though, so I'm still not sure what to think about that friend saying he spoke to God about how to pray for his son -- that still throws me a little bit. But it does seem like a pretty logical thing to pray, at least.


"I had no idea the SF topic would get so heated .."

Kind of a side-effect of having so many people here who are all so passionate about -- and experienced in -- all of this. It's what makes this place so great .... but it also means that once in a while some of the stronger personalities will disagree and butt heads. I used to find those debates upsetting, but now I just think it's pretty amazing that so many people care so much.


But since SF isn't really an immediate issue for you, hopefully you don't have to worry too much about it for a while. Seduction is a whole different thing, though. I'm still all for that! I'm guessing that your WH would probably not admit that you can still get him panting, but I also think that the fact that you can is part of why he's so cold and distant to you.

I can see how that detachment would be hard to take and make things seem so hopeless to you. The real experts will weigh in with their experience, soon, but I have to say that when I was reading about your weekend, it sounded much more positive than that to me. (I didn't have to be the one living with a day of silence and cold-shoulder, though).

The fact that he took you clear across town instead of rubbing his A in your face with the OW and her store .... that says a lot (IMHO). I also keep thinking that his silence and distance are more self-preservation than a weapon. He can't let himself feel anything good around you or he'll have to face what he messed up. It's so much easier to think that you are difficult and horrible and an evil witch. That makes the A justifiable. So he tries to prevent any good or happy or positive images from getting through - but doesn't seem to be having much success with that. If he were really 'done with you', then I don't think he would have to work so hard to prove it to himself (and you).




Just out of curiosity, why hasn't your WH filed for D, yet, if he's so done? And why are you and the kids moving in to that apartment .... seems awfully cramped to me! Make sure you're looking out for yourself, too. Are there other options for where you could live? Maybe HE should move in to the apartment, so you and the kids can stay where you are? That's probably all none of my business, I'm just wondering. Those things struck me from reading your posts.


Oh, and I loved the "addict" picture that Mimi talked about. And LA told me to think about it as WH disappearing down the rabbit hole in Alice in Wonderland. Both of those things helped me start to finally "get" that the A wasn't about me .... it wasn't because I wasn't good enough or didn't deserve love or whatever .... it had nothing to do with me, it was about the drug, the addiction. That helped me a lot during those times when I felt totally rejected and discarded ....

And gave me a whole new interest in watching that "Intervention" show on TV! Think we could build an Affair-detox center? Have BS's and their families do an intervention for the WS's and send them off for treatment? We'd make millions! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

-AmI.

AmI,


He actually wanted to move in, but couldn't afford to do it. I told him if he did that, he needed to come up with the payment himself. He can't afford that with CS. Also, emotionally for me I would be sick thinking of the 2 of them in that apt. together...we lived there the first 3 years of our marriage, and brought 2 babies home from the hospital. I know if he moved in, she would spend time there, so I just made up every excuse as to why he couldn't...they were real and logical and he couldn't refute them, so I won!

The move is beneficial to me in that it frees me up financially to be able to move into a more reasonable place. The rent on the place we are in now is too high, but I can't get enough for a deposit to be able to move somewhere else.

I am happy to be moving in for the sole purpose that it helps me to get ahead financially. When he left, he had just bought that truck, w/o talking to me. WS are dumb...if he would have thought about things a little before he left, he would not have committed himself to a huge payment! I am glad that he has so little choice financially. He has to live with his parents right now, or move in with her. Again...if he is so done, why not be living with her?



I think you are probably right on this one! At least I would hope.

I am just so ad that he won't talk to me about anything. Only 3 somewhat lame conversations in 4 months!!! Can you tell what one of my top EN's is!!!LOL




I think it would be, which is why I've asked so many times, but the easy way out is not the best in this sitch. I just want to see the light at the end of the tunnel - it's so dark in here!

Your thread has helped me alot. The advice you've gotten has been tremendous. I am hoping to get some of that as well. I also hope that when I get moved in to the new place, I will have the $$ to get a call in to SH for couseling!

Well, gotta take DD to soccer, bake 5 cakes for a cake walk, get some laundry done, oh yeah and cook some dinner, get the kids bathed, etc etc!!!! Now you know why I want my H back so badly! LOL

I'm glad that you are happy about the move. I'm also glad to hear that he's keeping up on CS .... that's good news, especially since you don't have any legal paperwork in place forcing it.

And living with his parents instead of OW .... that says something!!


"Your thread has helped me alot. The advice you've gotten has been tremendous. I am hoping to get some of that as well. I also hope that when I get moved in to the new place, I will have the $$ to get a call in to SH for couseling!"

I feel SOOOOO lucky to have gotten all the input and advice that I have. It's made all the difference in the world to me. I've learned SOO much, and am still learning more. It's a whole new world for me ..... things I've never even thought of before. I love this place!

"Well, gotta take DD to soccer, bake 5 cakes for a cake walk, get some laundry done, oh yeah and cook some dinner, get the kids bathed, etc etc!!!!"

Oh, my .... my two wear me out, and they are old enough to do most things themselves ..... I don't know how you do it with 5 little ones! You must be amazingly organized. I don't think I could keep up. Impressive!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I like to bake and make cakes and things, too .... but I do one at a time, and take way too long doing it. Five in one night?? You are my hero!!!


-AmI.

AmI,
Well, plans were grand, but we only got through soccer and showering! We ate out, the cakes did not get baked, and I didn't even touch the laundry!!! lol <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

And living with his parents instead of OW .... that says something!!

I am pretty sure he spends every weekend at her place. And it seems like most nights until it is time to go to bed. He said OW daughter goes to dad's on weekend, so I think that is why he stays then.

Last night was halloween and I was so sad thinking that he was out being a family with her and her daughter...and not with us.

Had a phone convo with him earlier in the day asking about info re: repairs being made. He had forgotten to follow up on a very impt. time sensitive issue and he said he would do it when I called. I haven't heard back on it yet though. Asked another question and he went into a long explanation as to why he hadn't followed up on that item...a long involved story about his brother. I don't understand why he gave such detail, except to explain why he hadn't followed through on his end.

I am really getting worn down and wonder if things can turn around. He seems so sure that he wants out and won't even really talk about anything serious with me...just bits and pieces.

I guess I am just riding out the storm. It justs hurts so much to feel so abandoned by the one person you thought you could always count on. And his children...to completely leave them too...I cannot comprehend that at all. He hasn't asked to have them since a month ago. I hurt for them so much.

I feel like I need to be able to let go in order to survive any more of this. I want that ability to detach...shouldn't be so hard since he is never around. But, somehow it is.

"It justs hurts so much to feel so abandoned by the one person you thought you could always count on."

That pretty much says it all. The one person we always thought we could count on and would protect us and would take care of us .... becomes the person we need protection from. It's like adding a whole 'nother layer of pain and betrayal. As if the A wasn't bad enough!


"Last night was halloween and I was so sad thinking that he was out being a family with her and her daughter...and not with us."

"And his children...to completely leave them too...I cannot comprehend that at all. He hasn't asked to have them since a month ago. I hurt for them so much."


Just to throw out an idea .... I don't know if it would work, but what do you think would happen if you invited him to do something with the kids? "The kids and I are going trick-or-treating, How about if we stop by your neighborhhod so you can get some time with them, taking them around to some of the neighbors?" (too late for that, but I was just throwing it out as an idea). Or "the kids and I are going to (chucky cheese, latest kid movie, school carnival, library .... whatever), it wold be a great chance to get to play with them if you want to come..."

Not that he would come, but if he would, it seems like a good way to Plan A. Fun, light, easy, happy things .... plus time with the kids -- that YOU are in control of. At least it couldn't hurt.

And how could he say no to those kinds of things without feeling like a total slimeball? I'm sure he WILL say no, and certainly won't TELL you he's feeling like a slimeball .... but, really .... he'll have to realize that he's missing out. And it might make your plan B just that much more effective .... when he's suddenly not invited to any of the fun stuff anymore.

Do you think something like that might work?

What happened with the idea of inviting him into the house..over for dinner?

I guess you already know that nothing about your situation is particularly different than mine and other situations here.

My H spent every weekend with the FOW and eventually moved in with her and her daughter, basically abandoning his own son....YUCK....

Mimi,

I tried once to get him to eat dinner with us and he was not in the least interested. He made some comment about that being a bad idea. You know...it would give me false hope!

AmI,

My DS b-day was just on the 11th. I tried to see if he wanted to interact as a family when that day came, but he didn't want to. He just picked up DS the next day and took him to buy a toy.

It is encouraging to read other threads and see that this is so normal for a WS. But it is still the hardest experience I have ever been through. I know you know. I see the comment " I never imagined I would be living this life, this sitch, " all over the place around here. I say that every day when I wake up. Many people I know cannot even begin to understand what this is like.

I feel like my 3 yr old sometimes....he just puts his hands over his eyes and cries, trying to get his emotions in control again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

The next time we are together, working on the apt, I am going to try some of the suggestions re: seductive clothing, glances, maybe brushing up against him blah blah blah... I am trying to be very positive around him right now, mainly becuase I have no idea where he is headed. I feel like I am driving blind due to his lack of communication. I am just hoping that all of my Plan Aing will have the effect that it is supposed to for that day when Plan B comes.

I am also really trying to not be negative just in case the thought ever hits him that he might possibly want to come back. He is so CA that if I expressed the anger/emotions that I am feeling, it would push him so far away.

Again I am sooo thankful for the comments I receive here...I know you know how just a note from someone can keep your head above water for a little while longer. It really is like a lifeline. Thanks, IHC

BTW, do you think it is too late in the game for SH to be helpful...I am really hoping to start that later this month, but if I am 4 months into this thing, is it too late? I may have already done too many things "wrong" to have MB be effective. Just a question...