IHC,

I will try not to lose hope, but I guess I've gotten to the point where I just ask why?

I still consider myself fairly religious, pray everyday, attend services every week, try to do the right thing.

WH, I don't think even believes in God, doesn't pray or go to church, yet he's getting what he wants. He's happy! I wonder why should I bother?

Just feeling sorry for myself I guess and wondering why. When I do the right things, I get the short end of the stick.

I know, I hear that God has better plans for me. But what if I want my H back? What if that is the plan I want?

Again, I know, God doesn't always give us what we want. I know all the answers, just can't or won't accept them I guess.

Why can't I get what I want? WH did!

O.K. call me a spoiled brat, I deserve it.

Cat and IHC,

I also quetion God and why. And I agree why do they get what they want. But aare they really getting what they want?

My WH used to attend church with us... not every week but we always went together. I don't think he even went to MAss for Christmas this year. He did go on Ash Wednsday and someone went up to him and said Lent even brings the sinners to church. My DD16 was there with him.

Still

I believe he is getting what he wants. He wants the single life again. No responsibilities, no kids. Just come and go when he pleases and have an OW young enough to be his daughter, tell him how wonderful he is every 5 minutes.

Yeah, I think he got what he wanted.

It is sickening...to think that they are "geting what they want". But the truth is that in the grand scheme of things, they will get what they deserve.

I have to believe that it is God's will for marriages to be restored...that is what the word says. The hard part is free will. Each one has the ablity to choose not to have God's best.

I have been reading some other threads of those in plan B and in a way it discourages me...my WH seems like he could care less about interacting with me anymore. At first I think he fussed a little but then he gave up.

This weekend at church, my pastor spoke on a topic that really touched home. It was from Psalm 27. He talked about personalizing God. Not just God is a healer, a restorer, mighty, etc...BUT He is MY healer, MY restorer, MY mighty God. He is not just those things to the peope in the Bible...He is that to me today, here and now.

He then went on to remind us that fear can rob us of our victory. If we allow fear to keep us from believing that God WILL do what he CAN do, then it won't happen. We become what we fear. If I stop believing that God WILL restore my marriage because I am afraid that He won't, then I am the one who is in fact helping it not to happen. I know it is hard to completely grasp this concept, but it rang true in my spirit.

I have been afraid lately, because it has been so long (8 months since he left, probably a year of affair time) and I don't see any signs of missing me at all. I think I began wanting to move on because it seemed less painful and easier. I need to remind myself that God not only can do this, but believe that He WILL!

I am getting back into this mindset now...and hoping and praying that it will last like it should!

I cried like a baby all through my pastor's sermon because it was just what I needed at the point of my greatest need...That is always how God works. I am so thankful to be loved by God enough for such timely words!

IHC

Does anyone think that my WH not supporting me financially is a way of him "punishing" me for breaking off contat with him and filing for LS? He did in his response to the LS papers request a dissolution. Didn't I basically give him what he wants...freedom?

Are WS's just so fogged out they forget they have kids to support or do they sometimes use that to manipulate and punish, or both?

This whole time, since plan B, I have NOT once asked him for $$$. Even though he obviously stopped giving me the necessary amounts since the LS papers were served on him. I think this must bug him since it has not elicited the response he expected. Normally (from past experience he would know this) I would be completely freaking out about not having enough mmoney to function...but I have not asked him for a dime...even when he has had the kids.

Out of the blue last Wed. he brought in a check to my work and handed it directly to me. This is the first time I have seen him, and vice versa, since before my plan b letter was sent 12/26/06. Luckily I was on the phone and just waved a "thanks" and he was gone. Why did he even have to drop it off...he knew I was here because my vehicle was here. He knows my address, he could have mailed it.

I wish this whole thing were over!!!!! Someday...

IHC

Wow, he came by your office. Gee, I wonder what the point of that was? Hmmm, maybe to catch a gander of you, start an argument, drag you back in...meh, who cares, he can tell you when he decides to come home under the conditions of PBL...

In your LSA, do you have stipulations for child support or spousal support? Has he signed them? If so, you can enforce this BY LAW. No need to shield him, no need at all. If you need money, and he needs to give it, make a formal request. He MUST take care of his children. Do not shield him, IHC.

We have not received the order for the LSA yet. It could take up to 90 days from our court date...so I have no idea what spousal and CS will be yet. I still have another 1 1/2 months before that time is up. Also, it should be retro to our court date, as if that will help!

Anyway...I am starting to feel better again and looking forward to my 35th birthday this weekend. Five of my friends and I are traveling to LA to have a day at The Grove/Farmer's Market...then dinner at Magiano's. I am soooo very excited. A day without kids, great friends and best of all...amazing food! What more could a girl ask for?

On my way to a massage right now, another b-day gift...don't be jealous!!! LOL

IHC

Well, today is like a lot of other days...

I am finding myself thinking about WH and all the horrible things he has done that are so devastatingly painful. How can I allow this person back into my heart again? How can I ever trust him not to hurt me so deeply again?

It makes me almost physically sick to think that he is planning his new life with her...her daughter is planning too. That makes me sick!

What a stupid up and down ride this is. I just want to go home...leave this dumb amusement park that constantly gives me motion sickness! I don't want to be tall enough for the rides anymore!

Oh for the simple days...


IHC

it's funny, sometimes i wonder how i could ever trust my h again too.....how i could be so foolish to ever trust him with my heart again

and sometimes, when i'm thinking this, i realize how foolish i am because i probably won't even get a chance to make that choice

eav,

Don't you also think, though, that if they were to come home that somehow you would find the strength to move forward towards healing.

I know that deep down, if my WH were to ever come to me with remorse and asking for forgiveness that my heart would swell with forgiveness and I would be able to do it.

I know that it would be hard after that, but I think I would be willing to go there...I know you would too!

WH called my work this morning. I spoke to him for about 5 minutes...

I'll give details later, but the punk had the nerve to pretend like he did not know this weekend was my birthday. Dummy...said he "thought it was next weekend for some reason ."

I was very short and to the point, not flustered. Directed him back to my intermediaries (who he claimed were not responding to his e-mails...I politely reminded him of his block on one of them and said it was possible that he blocked all e-mail from that .com address) and said I could not do this (meaning talk to him)


What is great is that even though I had to talk to him, it did not fluster or upset me. I kind of felt neutral towards the whole thing...actually found it funny since it was so lame!!!

Just thought I'd get it out and be done with it.

IHC

he called for your B-day


even if he won't admit it!


HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

OH, he called fully well knowing what time of the year it was, don't believe his [email]cr@p.[/email]

Happy Birthday!

If you can take a little nudge? The moment you know you are talking to your WH, HANG UP THE PHONE! Don't take his calls, they are CRUMBS, and you give away your power, and slow your own healing!

For some time, you will be willing to recover. I've learned that forgiveness is not for my WH to beg for, but for me to learn. I will NEVER FORGET, as my mind will not let me, but forgiveness is for me, to grow and learn.

silent and eav,



I can honestly say if my co-worker had not been out ill, I would have put him on hold and had her deal with him. I knew when he called that I shouldn't speak to him, but I felt "caught" so to speak.. I did feel I talked way too long with him (2-4) minutes. But I was very short and to the point and did keep directing him to the intermediaries. If I don't have back up next time, I will hang up.

It is good to have a plan before the event happens. I was so caught off guard with it being a very busy and hectic morning that I did not think about it before I was talking to him. And my co-worker that would be my go to person was out not there. But this is only the 2nd or 3rd time total that I have spoken to him at all since PBL was sent.

I had a wonderful birthday. I got my hair done on Thursday in a new style that seems to be well liked by people I trust to be honest.

Then, a nice little present last night...a 23 year old young man flirted with me. It was nothing bold, but it was nice just to boost the self-confidence factor a notch. He was my nephew's friend and quite handsome...but obviously way too young to be "dangerous" for me! So that was a nice touch to the weekend that I turned 35!!!!!

silent, I hope you are well. I have been thinking about you alot.

eav, just finished the book I told you about. It got even better at the end, just the pick me up I needed. Talked about hope and why we hope and just overall was so very encouraging that we are on the right path. Hope you find time to get to it soon.

IHC

Well, it's about to get ugly...

WH will find out about the taxes this Friday when he takes the kids.

He has been asking my intermediary when I could go do taxes. Why he would think I would go with him is beyond me, I have been very clear about not speaking to him...so why would I voluntarily sit in room with him.

Why would he think if we are separated at his desire, mid you, that I would file taxes jointly?

Anyway, I am going to send all the papers that he needs to sort through to get all the info he needs to be able to file. I will not have it organized...he can do it all by himself...he relieved me of my duties in that area.

I just am not sure what his reaction will be, but it willnot be pleasant. But, I don't have to answer any of his calls, so how will he relay his displeasure?

Last time I did something he didn't like, PBL, he made me close our joint checking. I would guess that he will not give me any CS until the court order comes through.

Nervous...IHC

Okay, so at least you know to expect some kind of angry outburst. I think that's good, so you can at least be somewhat prepared. Maybe arrange to be out when you think he will be getting the info? His response (whatever it is) will trigger you, and we want to minimize the effect of those triggers.

When my WW found out I arranged separate parent-teacher conferences, her angry call came in exactly when I thought it might.

I forgot to even say anything tohim about it...so it is still to come.

News flash..

WH has children spend the night at his apartment with OW and her D6!

What an idiot!!!

IHC