I decided to start a new post to vent. That's the only place I feel understood. Only a BS to understand another I guess.
WH had almost 4 years A. After D-Day he was spending half the week with her. After 2 months of a good Plan A, he came back, but it took him another month to finish PA.
I know he was contacting OW on the phone. Then after another month he told he stopped ( and I was checking phone bills to confirm story). Last week I found out they are still talking.
I do not know for sure if they still meet. I don't think so since he's home all the time. But who really knows?
I am thinking of installing a keylogger on the computer but I am afraid I will not be able to deal with info I might find without betraying my sources.
I dont' want to threaten him with Plan B or separation, but I dont' know what to do to make him stop.
I've been getting good advice here since D'Day but did not have a post for a while, I was just posting around.
Here, dealing with roller coaster again (since I really thought I was in recovery already).
When this nightmare will end?

A keylogger is a double-edged sword. It's only good purpose is to find out if an A is going on. Once you know that for a fact, a keylogger gives you way too much information and will drive you to an early grave.

You are doing all the right things. NC is tough and can take time. Having been in your position, I found out I was better off knowing less and working harder on my Plan A. You want your M. D is not an option for you at this point. What good is any negative info going to do you at this point? All it can do is derail your good work. I say tone down the radar just a bit.

Hi Pio,
You are always saving me from getting crazy.
I wil resist the impulse to want to know everything, I guess it gives me a sense of control, but you're right. The pain will be worse.
what about bounderies? How do you enforce them?

And how are you doing?

Estrela - Assume the affair is active unless he proves to you otherwise. It's his responsibility to prove it to you, not yours to be checking on him all the time.

estrela,

What boundaries are you talking about? You cannot force WH to do anything. If he wants to break NC, he will break NC. Whether he does or not, you are not prepared (yet) to do anything about it (good for you BTW). Unless you are prepared to go to Plan B if he breaks NC, you cannot enforce anything. Keep up with your plan A. Look at how far you have come in such a short while. You are the same as when you originally posted - zero patience <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Let them talk if they choose to. You can't do anything about it. So you know they talk. You know the EA is ongoing. Why do you care what they talk about? All it will do is hurt you and ultimately hurt your chances of saving your M. A certain amount of ignorance is truly bliss.

I'll be happy to give you all my reasons and experiences if it will help you. Go get some sleep and come back and post tomorrow. You're doing very well. Congratulations!

Hi Estrela,

I am afraid I don't have any good advice to offer you as I am still stumbling around trying to find my own answers.

I can tell you though that I think a keylogger is the wrong way to go. I read emails that my husband exchanged with the OW and the words are forever imprinted on my brain. I am not sure that even time will erase them.

If you know the affair is ongoing that is enough pain without inflicting more on yourself.

There are a lot of pleasant, helpful posters with far more experience and knowledge that will come along to help you.
I wish you well.

You will find that you can better handle the babble and the pain this time. It still hurts but not as long and you may find your tolerance level has shortened.

How close do you think your mind and heart are to be in sync so that you can productively move forward?

A key logger is a good idea, providing you use it to get the proof you need. It is up to your H to do the repair and for now for you t/d the info gathering and exposure.

Reoccurance of the A is always painful but not as shocking. Highly disappointing. You will find that you are quicker to get angry and know you have a venting place (here).

Gather your info. Put your support group back on notice. Go see your MC/IC or call Steve for a plan.

Get tough. Get firm. Get free from his guilt. Learn to let his guilt crush the A and remove you from the sick triangle.

He isn't fooling anyone. Notice how he is trying to fool you with other things and question those things. In time it will make him feel very unseasy and making a WS feel uncomfortable is a good thing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />



L.

estrela,

My problem in particular with a keylogger is that it gives way too much information and over and above that - it is disinformation. You are reading lies and rewritten history that mean nothing and only hurt you. Here is a simple example:

option 1) You find out WH contacts OW. Okay. That is all you really need to know.

option 2) You find out WH contacts OW. You read that he hates you and longs to be with OW. He has never loved you and whenever he holds you, he closes his eyes and pretends it is OW. He despises every moment with you and resents the hold you have and wants like anything to be free.

Both options told you what you needed - i.e. NC broken and A ongoing. Option 2 destroys your self-esteem, makes you question your desire to save the M, will lead to love busting fights and make you miserable and in no position to continue plan A.

On top of everything, it was never true. WH did once love you. He has rewritten history to justify his A. I hate keyloggers. Once you know NC is broken, you don't really need to know more. If you are protected financially and you have no custody or legal issues to worry about, keyloggers will do nothing but trigger you to hate and detest WH.

You have exposed the A. You have separated WH and OW. He is living with you. He has no unaccounted for free time. You are in full plan A. NC is not a requirement for plan A. It is only a requirement for recovery.

I did have a keylogger and, if I hadn't stopped using it, I would be divorced now. I am betting based on your personality type that a keylogger would be very bad for you. JMO.

I guess I had to agree with you all re. keylogger.
Today I was a calmer person again (thanks to all venting and good advice). I was able to show some genuine compassion for H who is lying in bed sick. I even prepared him a soup before I left for work...
As I was driving, I hear this music:

"Sit here on the stairs
'Cause I'd rather be alone
If I can't have you right now, I'll wait dear
Sometimes, I get so tense
But I can't speed up the time
But you know, love, there's one more thing to consider
Said woman take it slow
Things will be just fine
You and I'll just use a little patience
Said sugar take the time
'Cause the lights are shining bright
You and I've got what it takes to make it
We won't fake it, Oh never break it
'Cause I can't take it"

I know Axl is no philosopher, but the patience message was there.
So, my question is, am I not being disrespectful to myself being with someone who although I know loves me, does not respect me enough to be in NC.
For what I understood from SAA, NC should happen early in the process. But Pio, you said NC is not a requirement for Plan A, only for recovery. Do you think if I don't pressure him he will get to NC by himself???!!!!
Also, his parents are coming in 10 days (from Germany) to spend 2 or 3 weeks with us. His brother is also coming for a week with his family (from Chicago) during this period. (H's DD is turning 12 - bat mitvah).
What shoudl be my strategy woht them? When I found out about A, I called all of them to expose. Then, we spoke sometimes and I told them H was home and we were working. Now, should I play the "happy wife" or "in pain BS", or just be open and honest? I guess I like the last one better.
How much info should I give them? How can I "use" them to help my M?
Thanks for all attention. I really needed it.