Hi everyone,

It's Katie Mae, with a new screen name, Ayelen (it's Native American for "clear" and "happiness.") I took a break from these boards because I started a new school year and decided to shift my extra energy towards work because last year... my first year professionally... was tainted and half-hearted due to the fallout and aftermath of my A. H and I also returned to MC after I exposed my A to OMW without H's enthusiastic agreement. We have since finished therapy and things have been going very, very well. I changed my screen name because I feel more present... more conscious... more authentically happy then I ever have in years.

For those who have followed my story, I exposed to OMW by letter during the first week of July. Within several days, OM showed up near my house with a trailer hitched to his truck. I did not speak to him, and I had never heard from or seen him since then... until last night.

OM phoned my house around midnight and left several messages about how I ruined his life... and his wife's life. H continued to sleep and did not hear the phone ring or the messages (which I erased.) While I understand that I did NOT ruin OM or OMW's life by exposing the affair, I do know that I was 100% responsible for having the A in the first place. I know that OM ruined his own M by the choices he made, and I do not regret telling his W. I was just incredibly shaken by his messages, nearly four months after hearing NOTHING from him or his W (in my letter, I gave OMW my name and phone number.)

I'm in so much pain today because H has made it clear that he wants to know NOTHING about attempted contacts by OM, and telling him these things, in his mind, is a betrayal. This morning when I woke up from a very shaky sleep, I did not tell him about the messages, but I am very upset and having a hard time focusing at work. I guess I needed to tell someone and that is why I am here. I understand that I "made my bed" and my choice to have an A will continue to challenge the personal and marital progress I've made since confessing to H. It's just difficult to respect my H's personal boundary without having a safe place to express my emotions regarding the A, as well as admit that OM's messages scared me.

Anyway, thanks for listening. Bless you all on your journeys.

Ayelen (formally Katie Mae)

Hey Katie Mae, I am glad you are ok, we had wondered how you were doing. Sorry to hear about the OM's late night calls. You know, if he keeps that up, you might have to take out a restraining order against him?

Hi again-
I am so glad you're back. I've been worried about you, because I was afraid that your silence meant that you were back with OM. I'm glad that you aren't. You have been such a help to FWW on these boards, including me.

I also changed my name- used to be 090886.

I know that you will be advised to tell your husband from several people here, even though your husband has clearly stated that he doesn't want to know.

I wanted to suggest that you listen to your husband and your marriage. And your heart. You've come so far in the past year. I would respect my husband's wishes in your situation. That is against MB principles, and many people here will disagree, but I think each situation is a little different. One size fits most.

Ayelen, I'm glad you're back.

KatieMae, when your H said he didn't want to know about repeated contacts from the OM, do you think he really meant in this context? This is very different from a flirty email, this is an invasion into his HOME with nocturnal phone calls. Your H really needs to know about this so he can protect you both and possibly get a restraining order.

Thanks, Mel and SR...

I'm not sure Mel... I was under the impression that H wanted me to tell him when OM did something unusual. When I told H that I saw OM with a trailer hitched to his truck within a half a mile of our house, that was not considered "unusual" to H so I had him clarify. H made it clear that he only wants to know if OM physically comes around the house... that's it. I agree the phone calls are also a physical invasion, but I dont' know if H would agree or want to know this. OM had called the house before, but never left messages. H told me he doesn't want to know if and when OM calls the house. He didn't mention messages, but I am assuming it's the same given how he reacted to the news of OM being kicked to the curb by his W.

SR, I'm so glad you are still here too! I'm shocked that folks might have thought I went back to OM, but I suppose it makes sense given the nature and history of As. Thanks for the supportive words... I think I am not going to tell H for now.

Thanks again for listening and giving advice...

KM/Ayelen

Looking for Katie Mae

I do understand that you want to focus your energy at work. Me too!

KM, I would tell him anyway; he needs to know this. He shouldn't be sticking his head in the sand about this. He needs to know that the OM has crossed a serious line that may very well warrant a restraining order. He is your H and as a couple, you should be facing these dilemmas together. I fear if you don't do something to stop the OM, this may get worse.

SR,

Thanks for bumping Suzet's thread... I just responded to her. I love my job and my students... they bring me so much light, love and joy. Since I was such a mess last year, it's giving me so much pleasure to fully focus on something I really enjoy with a clear head and heart. What do you do for a job?

Mel,

I feel as you do, but I don't know if telling him is the right thing. I don't know if I am protecting his personal boundary or if I'm keeping another secret... it really feels like I'm keeping another secret, and I don't like it. H has panic and anxiety disorder, and he reacts a bit differently than your "average" person. When I told him about the kudos I was getting from the MB community several months ago, it made him so anxious he got physically ill. I agree he shouldn't have his head in the sand, but he get's physically sick over stuff like this and I think that's what he is trying to avoid. It's difficult sometimes, but I respect it as part of who he is...

Understand, KM. How sad that you can't go to him for help when you need him the most. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Katie Mae,

This incident needs to be DOCUMENTED, in case the OM tries to seek revenge on you.

I agree. Tell your husband.

Try this: "Honey, I understand that you don't want to know if OM tries to contact me, but I need to tell you about this because he scares me. I need you to help me protect myself from his harassment. He called here last night and left messages about how I had ruined his and his wife's lives. I am afraid that he might try to hurt one of us. In any case, I need you to know about this in case he actually DOES do something to me, so you can tell the police."

Oh, and BTW, don't EVER delete messaqes like this, as they may be useful as evidence. Have a supply of blank tapes handy, or else (if you have a digital answering machine) play the messages into a recorder after first recording the caller's name, along with the date and time.

You deleted the messages so my question is this.
If you tell him about the calls and you can't let him listen to the exact messages, will he believe you?

Just a thought.
Jeff

As always, I will suggest a simple solution here... change your phone number to an unlisted number. That will take care of the phone call issue. Make sure that he does not have access to you through email, cell phone or work phone. All of these things need to be changed immediately.

Sorry he is bothering you again KM. Nice to hear that you are otherwise okay.

Hi Katie,
Welcome back. I think there were quite a few people who missed your posts on this forum. Sorry to hear that the OM has contacted you again.
We are still having occasional problems with OM contacting as well, and I can understand how much it affects your husband. It does hurt anytime the OM tries to contact my wife. I have asked her to tell me anytime he does try so that we can always be on the same page as far as dealing with it. I have blocked his email address on our computer and am looking at getting his phone numbers blocked as well. I'm not sure if this is possible, but that might be something you might want to try as well.

Take Care,

PeterM!!! Oh my goodness... so glad to hear from you. I'm sorry OM is bothering you both as well. My FOM does not have email or work/cell phone access to me, but does have my main phone line which he's never really called until last night. It's been the phone number that H and I have had for over ten years and I would hate to change it, but if he continues to call, I will have to tell H and we will probably have to do so.

Thank you Lady, MEDC, JS, Mel and SR... I appreciate you reaching out to me in my time of need.

JS... H would definitely believe me, even if the messages were erased. H does not know the identity of OM (by choice), and would never want to hear a message from him. I think it's easier for him when it isn't so "real." I understand what you're saying, though.

Lady, I wrestled with whether I should delete the messages or not... next time (god willing there isn't a next time)... I will save them and tell H. I think I will wait to see if something else happens now that OM has gotten that "off his chest" before taking action by telling H.

Thanks again everyone for the support... this place is invaluable to me.

Ayelen,

Very hard. I don't understand I guess why H wouldn't want to protect you in this situation. I know I would protect my wife.

Simplest thing to do is to apply for a restraining order I think. You shouldn't need your husband to do that. If he then finds out, you just say "Well you didn't want to know. Sorry"

Not ideal but a decisive way to handle it IMO.

Hi Ayelen/Katie

I’m concerned about your situation. I discussed it with my H yesterday night and he said your H’s boundary doesn’t make sense to him at all. It doesn’t make sense to me either. I guess it’s because my H has always been adamant for me to tell him about any type of contact from OM. I even inform my H if there are any accidental contacts (like bumping into him or see him at work – which luckily don’t happen very often) and he prefers me to do that. It gives me a sense of safeness and protection to know I can go to my H about these things…and it also contribute to keep our M honest, open and transparent.

Katie, yesterday you posted:

“I'm in so much pain today because H has made it clear that he wants to know NOTHING about attempted contacts by OM, and telling him these things, in his mind, is a betrayal.

Katie, what you’ve posted above, tells me your pain goes much deeper than just feeling scared by OM’s phone calls and the fact that you can’t go to your H when you need him most. You're also hurt and disappointed by your H’s boundary and ignorance about this. When he has said those word (what you have posted above) you probably heard:

“I will not and I don’t want to protect you from OM…you must handle the consequences/aftermath of your betrayal and choice to have an A totally on your own and I will not help you with it...so don’t except any help/protection from me as far as the OM is concerned.”

Maybe your H don’t mean it like this (I understand he have panic & anxiety problems and probabably feels he can’t or won’t be able to handle “reality” and intellectually you understand this) but I’m sure the above message is what you've received in your heart, didn’t you? You also long for totally honesty, openness and “oneness” with your H (especially after your A and after you have lived in secrecy for so long) and now you probably feel his “boundary” prevents you from having exactly this with him...

Katie, has your H ever explained to you WHY exactly he views you telling him about attempted contacts from OM as a betrayal? If you go to him, tell him about the phone calls, tell him that you was terribly scared by it and feel that you should do something about it (change home number and/or taking out restraining order against OM) do you really think he will still view it as a betrayal? I just think the phone calls you received was a huge exception and invasion of privacy and probably/hopefully your H will understand it this way.

I think Lady Clueness's suggestion was a good one:


I’m just concerned that if you keep silent about this and wait to tell your H until something like this happens again, something more serious might happen in the meantime e.g. the OM might try to seek revenge on you by trying to put in a wig between you and your H and break up your M. For example, OM might send a letter to your H or contact your H telling him stories that aren’t true (for example, that the A is still continuing or was continued recently). This is just an example but I think you get what I’m saying. I don’t want you to get paranoid, but I think prevention is better than cure in this situation. If OM might try to seek revenge this way, it’s important for your H to know so that he can be prepared just for incase.

Take care.

Wow, thanks Suzet... I appreciate you thinking of me and discussing with your H... I have a very surprising update as of last night!

H and I went out for dinner with H's boss and his W. When we got home, I noticed we had three messages on the answering machine. Since we usually get about three messages a MONTH (lol) I checked caller ID and sure enough... all from OM's number.

I told H. He was very supportive, and said he appreciated my attempt at protecting his boundary. He also asked if he thought we were in danger. I told him I would listen to the messages and then decide, because as I know OM, he is a weenie and would run for the hills if H made any attempt to contact him.

I listened to the messages, and they were from OM's W! During the first two, she really let me have it. During the last one, she broke down crying and said she normally didn't act like this, she was a good person, and could I please call her back.

I did, and we talked for over two hours. She said she forced OM to make that phone call... she was trying to make him accountable... wanted him to tell me how I ruined both of their lives. She said he was terrified, crying, and fearful that my H would answer the phone... she was listening on the other end. So OM did NOT want to call me... OM's wife did. This is a relief.

For those of you who know my story, I first sent OMW a package and then a follow up apology letter for the contents of my package (I had good intentions, but it was all wrong.) It turns out that she only received my package, and OM intercepted the letter. It also turned out the package arrived on the day OM's DS (OMW's step-DS) was GETTING MARRIED. OM's ex-W... who OM cheated on with current W... flew in from across the country to be there, and OMW had to stand up with OM and "play happy" throughout the entire day. *Shudder*

It felt both very good yet terribly awful to speak to OMW. Since OM intercepted my letter with the history of our A, she did not know details. OM told her that I was jealous, vindictive, and as dumb as a box of rocks. He also told her he didn't love me... never told me he loved me... and our relationship only lasted three MONTHS.

OMW also told me that at the time the A started, OM had pursued and confessed his undying love for one of OMW best friends. At the SAME TIME he was telling OMW and me we were the loves of his lives! What a sick, sick person.

So I don't know what's going to happen from here, but OMW wants a divorce. At the end of our conversation, I told her if she ever needs anything to call me. She is beyond devistated. She is also a very good, loving and noble person... I would do absolutely anything to help her if she needs it.

So that's all... H was very wonderful with me last night, and very supportive. We both didn't sleep... in fact, I'm still at home, getting ready to go into work late. H is hoping this is the end, but we'll see I guess... thank you again, everyone, for your support.

Hi Katie,

It was indeed a surprising update – thanks for sharing. I’m very glad "the air are cleared” between you and hubby now and that he was so understanding and supportive! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I can just imagine how relieved you must feel.

I feel very sorry for the OMW...to think her H has betrayed her with TWO women at the same time... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> He is really a sick, sick person.

Take care en keep us updated.

That's great to hear the support you got from your husband Katie. I hope all continues to go well for you. Keep us all updated as you can.

Take Care,