Dear MB members
I decided to post today because I feel so lost and have no-one to turn to. I am somewhat of a new member, and don't really know how to get back into my original post.
Last night was one of the worst nights of my life. WH and I are not talking. Yesterday was a bad day for me and after he came home from work (LATE), and upset for having an argument with one of his co-workers, I added up more fuel to the fire. Things have been going good, after the discovery, but my mind can't seem to get past the A.
He knew I was upset for him coming home late, and he asked me what was on my mind, so I started to ask him more questions about the A. I know it was a bad time for choosing to talk about it, but I just could not help myself. It's been running through my mind over and over again. I found out last night that WH new the OW before (what I thought was a chance meet on myspace). For those of you that have not read my story, WH told me he was bored at work and began to browse myspace and found OW online. This is devastating to me because now I feel that the whole A, was premeditated, not an accident like I originally thought. I also questioned WH if he ever had any other A's before discovery and he said no, but what is confusing to me is the fact that OW wrote me telling me that not only was WH cheating on me with her but WH was cheating on her with another W. I questioned him about it and he went bisurk. He began telling me that it didn't matter what he told me that I was never going to believe him. Well duh, how can I trust someone who had the capability of having an A for 3 months and at the same time have a straight face at home with me? WH told me yesterday that I have some thinking to do, and that he has some thinking to do for himself, he was very cold towards me, did not want to talk at all afterwards. Woke up this morning, left without saying goodbye and hasn't called me yet at all.
Should I call him? I don't know if I should be giving him some space right now. I almost felt like he was telling me to give him my decision, as if he is ready for a separation if that is what I decide to do. Wait a minute, I'm the one who is supposed to be upset here, not him. Why is he giving up so easy? Should I just give up, move on? I am so confused?

W (me) 37
WH (39)
D - 10
D - 7
SS - 12
DDay - 6/27/06

Your WH has a strong sense of entitlement, near as i can tell. You expect him to roll over and play dead? He won't, in true WS fashion. It takes time for him to blame himself and sort things out.

You need a plan. Take a look at Plan A - in the forum index. And start reading Harley's stuff.

And one other thing. Why on earth would you expect the OW to tell you the truth?

Larry

Betrayed and Shocked,

The reason he is doing this, is he wants you to drop the subject.

I would go ahead and drop the subject, but I would then install a keylogger to record where he is going on the internet.

Keep your sleuthing quiet, and when you have enough evidence, confront him with the facts, but make sure you keep your sources secret, if you want to use them again.

Take care,

k.d.'s heartbreak

Have you read surviving an affair?

Have you read the articles on this site?

Have you studied Plan A?

Are you in Plan A

How is that going?

Has your husband agreed to no contact with the OW?

Has he written a letter of no contact?

Hang in there. Read. Read. Read. Post here. Vent here.

BS,
I won't say welcome to MBs, because what brought you here is not welcoming. But I will tell you that you found a wonderful resource for helping you through this awful time.

What you are feeling is normal. Been there, done that. But take things in stride right now. You are going through a rollercoaster of emotions right now. Ups and downs. You have so many questions. So many doubts. I equated my experience to feeling like my insides had shriveled up and died....like my heart had a huge hole in it. It is only with time and effort that my H and I have made it this far, and we are FAR from full recovery. Know that you are going through a lot of emotions, and so is your H. Right now you need time to sort through things, but you both have to resolve NOT TO LET GO of your marriage. If he wants to save your marriage and is willing to focus completely on your marriage and have absolutely NC with the OW, and IF you are ready to do the hard work that it takes to recover, you can save your marriage.

After DDay it would have been so easy for either of us to just give up. It was so close to the surface...just on our lips to say I quit. It took us several fiery discussions for me to help my H to understand that he had to be committed and the last thing I wanted was for him to leave, but this was not going to be an easy process, so he had to be willing to do the hard work. He had to be willing to hold me when I cried. He had to be understanding when I was angry. He had to make the decision to stay and work on "us". He had to discuss his A with me when I had questions. He just wanted to forget it all happened, ask for forgiveness and be done with it. He figured we could just move on when he had done so much to destroy my trust, my self-confidence, and everything that we had.

BS, you have to believe that you are strong and that you can make it through this. You have to believe that your marriage is worth fighting for. One thing that helped me was to maintain a journal. I wrote down what I was feeling and he would read it and reply from time to time. You need to get out all of your questions in writing. You may not get all of the answers to the questions that continue to haunt you day and night, but it will help you to process things. Don't expect all of the answers right now. Don't expect him to understand what you are feeling, but he will start to gain insight into what you are feeling and thinking. Get everything in perspective before you begin to ask the questions that you want answered. I had hundreds of questions seven months ago on DDay. I asked one question that night and I shouldn't have because his answer was more than I could take and I still can't forget what he told me. After that I didn't ask any more questions until recently. I had a list of questions that I really wanted answers to. Seven months post-DDay and it wasn't nearly as long as the list I made right after DDay.

We made it through each day with both of us focusing and putting forth the effort to help rebuild our marriage.

We've had our ups and downs. We have had our setbacks. But we are getting better and stronger each and every day. I love my H. He cheated on me. He had two affairs. He was looking at porn. He was posting on Myspace for single women within a 50-mile radius. He was doing so many things when he was in his fog. I never thought I would be in this situation, but I am.

Today we spent quality time together by the pool. He was thinking and shared with me that he was wondering if all this was worth it (I took a demotion, we both have part-time jobs). I told him that I think that it is worth it and we will make it through this. (He supported my decision to take a demotion because my job was extremely time intensive and stressful.) I also told him that I believe that these difficult times have helped to keep us focused on what is important. I did ask him if he ever thinks "I am so lucky" and he said, "EVERYDAY". Then I asked him if he ever thinks "I can't believe that I almost lost you," and he said "All the time....I was pretty stupid, wasn't I?" Sometimes we have to ask questions to hear those things we need to hear. But you know, our H's don't know everything (obviously)...they don't know how to meet all of our needs....they don't always know how to talk to us (this has given me the opportunity to teach him)....we have to help them. You can do this. You can do this. You can do this.

Read all of the information on MBs, read the Bible, and pray. Pray that God will continue to give you strength. Pray that God will heal the hole in your heart. Pray that God will continue to hold you and comfort you through this awful time. You can do this. God will help you through. Take care of yourself. And know that you are not alone. May you feel the love and protection of Jesus' loving arms comforting you and protecting you through this difficult time.

SS