Some of you here know my story but here it is in a nutshell. Filed for divorce 2 years ago, WW moved out. Divorce final about 1 1/2 years ago. Been alone for 2 years. Married for almost 20 years.

Started dating about 6 months after WW left (way too early I know). Luckily, I never latched on to anyone.. Had a couple latch on to me but they weren't my type.

About 1 1/2 years after WW left (1 year from divorce) I met a very, very nice woman. We hit it off great. After 3 months we started developing deep feelings for each other.

Now we have been dating for 6 months and I don't know what I want. I am depressed (see my post in divorce forum), back in therapy, and am joining a divorce support group.

My GF knows something is wrong and we have talked about it. She said if I need a break from relationship she will do it. I think I need a break to work on myself and the grief I still feel from the divorce.

Or am I just a rebounder? I found someone that boosted my self-esteem and used this wonderful woman. (I hate saying that.) But apparently that is what someone on the rebound does.

She is wonderful... pretty, smart, great mom, honest... I could go on and on...

What do I do? I know I must have more healing to do even after 2 years of seperation. Should I tell GF I need to pull back and work on myself?

Need advice!!!!

PS. MB Friends... I am NOT in another relationship, or pursuing, or anything.

BH~~

I don't see you as a rebounder, not at all. I don't view this that you used this woman.

It had been quite some time since your divorce before you became involved, but maybe, you still had not had time to heal. Or possibly, there is something in her that you're not sure of, and you are taking that on as your own.
It's hard to say.

I'm leaning my advice towards taking a break before the hurt comes into play. When we start to feel this way, I think the other person feels it is them, and it's something within ourselves.

It will be hard to break away, but from what you are saying, it may be the fair answer for both of you for the time being.

Let me know how the support group goes. I'm interested.

I'm glad you are taking steps to help yourself, that is a positve!

Karona

Maybe, maybe not........but here's your answer:

AND


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> (((hugs))))

Yes. If you still have unresolved feelings and grief to work thru, it's only fair to not only her, but yourself

I have now been divorced for 5 years, and looking back at my earlier dating, I can see clearly how "not ready" I was even 2 or 3 years after the divorce.

They weren't rebounds (OK, the first one was), but I still was not ready. I didn't "use" these women, but I was probably not the best partner. Not because I pined for my ex (I didn't), or was lost or confused (I wasn't), but because I had not yet fully healed. I also needed some time to get back to my hobbies, friendships, etc, without the pressure of a relationship.

I think if you feel depressed and alone in a dating relationship, that is your answer - get out. It does not mean that she is not a good woman, it just means that you need something different.

For now, it sounds like you need to be alone, which is not a bad place to be at all every once in a while. People who cannot be alone rarely make good partners. But that is a whole different topic.

Now, I also doubt that you can stay in this relationship while trying to heal. It's going to be too confusing for everyone, and you can't keep taking your temperature every couple of weeks to see if you are fully cooked yet. Take some time off, give yourself time to grow, and see how you feel.

AGG

How do I tell her this?? How can I hurt someone so special??? I hate it!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Speaking from experience, her pain will tempered by the knowledge that you are strong enough and smart enough not to force something to work when you know you are not ready.

You are not saying 'never', you are only saying 'not now'.

If she is as good as you say she is, she will understand.

Maybe not the "it's not you, it's me" speech.
Perhaps, honesty. Being honest is a good place to start. There is nothing wrong with saying you have stuff to clean up to become the best you that you can be for her, or who ever might come into your life.

Tuff stuff, but it will be worth the time spent.

In fact, telling her you need a break will be a good indicator of how she handles such "crises" or curveballs.

I know that at one point I was in online contact with a several women, pondering when to graduate to the phone calls. Then I realized that I was still too recently out of a relationship, and wanted some more time to not as much heal as to just get back into my regular single life, get my house back in order.

So, I wrote back to these women saying exactly that, that I need some time to regroup, and may I contact them once I am ready for dating again. Their responses were telling - a couple said "Sure, I understand, look me up when you are ready", a couple said more or less "drop dead".

You can be sure I got a good indicator of which of those women I would want to go on a date with <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

Definitely tough stuff here......

Just be honest BH. Tell her what you've told us here. Tell her how wonderful she is, that it KILLS you to think you are hurting her, but that it's absolutely not her, that you just aren't feeling right, that you have some unresolved issues and that you want to deal w/ them, to become the best person you can be, so that you can contribute 100% to a relationship and that you admire, care and respect her enough to not continue in a relationship w/ her until you are.

And then you have to be prepared, really READY to let her go, knowing she may move on but she may also be there when you are ready....

Do you still have feelings for your ex-WW BH?

((((hugs)))) Hang in there.

Devastated,

Do I still have feelings for ex-WW??? I don't think so anymore...I am not sure. I miss my family life but not really her.

I do have unresolved issues from the grief of the divorce. I get very depressed about it.

Tonight I am going to my first divorce recovery meeting. I hope to go see GF after. I ask everyone to include her in your prayers tonight. She doesn't deserve to be hurt.

Keith

How did everything go?

The divorce recovery meeting went very, very good. It helped me so much and I have many more to go to.

It got too late to go to GF house after. I spoke with the moderator of the meeting though about GF situation. He suggested being honest with her and slowing the relationship way down.. Down to the point where we just date on occasion, nothing more. No overnight visits, no SF, nothing. He says I must work on me to become complete again.

That is what I will present to GF... I hope she understands.

It's nice to hear that things went well.I often consider going to one of these types of groups but I may keep waiting for a bit.Not sure if I need to or want to really.

I agree with the counselor.I always tell people who bring the topic up that the healing phase after divorce,taking at least a year if not the generalized 1 year for every 5 years of marriage,is so important whether or not you think you are ok.You just have to be on your own and rediscover yourself.I am really loving being on my own right now.Just my kids, me and my dog.

I think your GF will understand although she will be hurting.It's the right thing to do and being honest is always the best policy,as cliche as that sounds.Take care of youself.

Hi, BH --

Hope it's okay to jump in here.

I agree that you should be honest, painfully honest, with this woman. At least as honest as you have been with the members of this board. Your respect of and care for the woman comes through so clearly.

So I would suggest keeping that in mind as you determine the best way to present what you've said to us. You never know...this could be the woman you eventually decide to marry in a year or five...or forty...so staying on good terms is, i think, key.

Breakups may be poignant, but they don't have to be bad or ugly. In fact, sometimes breakups can be beautiful. I speak from experience...I broke up with someone a few months ago. It went as I wished more breakups could...acknowledging the deep friendship that we'd built up, the things we've been through together, yet knowing that we were in different places in our lives.

So in my case, and i hope yours as well, if he and i were to find ourselves single years from now, we could easily pick things back up with no apologies or resentments.

Best of luck...i think it will work out well for you both.

- Trophywife

I broke it off last night... I feel horrible about this. I know she was my rebound and it makes me sick that I hurt her so much. If I had only known.

As tough as it was, she understood. She has been there. She knows it is not her but me.

She was the right girl and the wrong time...

You did the right thing.....HEY! just because you have slowed it WAY down to heal, doesnt mean she will be gone later. Yall still may hook up at some point (if thats what yall both want). Honesty is always the way to go in my book. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />