Hi everyone,
I posted last week that my WH was seeing "escorts" (prositutes), and he found out that I knew and confessed. Since then he has stopped going to the websites, gotten tested for STD's (all negative), made an appointment for IC/MC, and otherwise been a good H/father. However, I still don't really know any details. I didn't want to press him with questions, but I did tell him that I wanted him to talk to me about his problem and what happened. Then I found out yesterday as we were discussing our money issues, that he owes his dad money, which I take to mean that he stole money from their joint account to pay for his "appointments".

I really don't like being taken by surprise with things like that right now. He seems to feel that it is fault, so it is his burden to bear. But I feel like I really need to know details so they don't keep us apart. Since this is not really an affair, is it important for me to know details? Am I crazy for wanting to know?

Thanks for your input and support,
Cat

Hi Cat -

I'm glad that your husband sounds like he is taking responsibility for his choices. However, I disagree that it's not really an affair.

He had sex with someone other than his wife. That is an affair, plain and simple. Just because it was a prostitute doesn't make it any less wrong. A rose is a rose, and an affair is an affair.

It is his fault, and he does have a burden to bear. But the recovery of your marriage is a responsibility and burden you both bear.

The affair(s) are his responsibility - the state of your marriage that left it open to an affair is both of yours.

As far as the details, IMHO, you're entitled to know as many details as you feel you need to know to heal. He should not hold anything back from you.

Hopefully some of the vets will be by your thread shortly and can give you more advice. I wish you both the best of luck in your recovery.

Lostcat,

I agree with what healingbird wrote.

I am not by any means an expert here like many of the vets out there.

I had a few questions regarding your sich and you may want to ask yourself the same.

Why would your husband resort to being with a prostitute or an escort?(IMHO they are basicly the same thing, one you pick up off the street and the other advertises).

Is it because he is not recieving enough SF at home?

Are there certain things that he likes that the two of you dont do together?(perhaps oral SF)

Does he have some sort of fantasy that may not be fufilled between the two of you?(Maybe he would like you to wear lingerie or high heels sometimes or even some other "fetish").

Have you "let yourself go" in your appearance?(In a marrige it shouldnt matter but often it can).

Could he be a sex addict?(He probably will need to see a sex counsler for this).

He really may be to embarrased or afraid to ask you to do whatever it is he feels he is missing out on. You may want to experement to see what it is he really likes and keep things interesting.

IMHO you need to know all the details, why he did it, and what he feels he is not receiving at home.

I apoligize if you have taken any offense to my questions here.

Tu2

healingbird, WH did commit adultery and as such it can be considered an affair. I guess I said that because my situation seems different than many I have read about here, so I am not sure if all the rules apply. WH did not deny his adultery, does not seem to be in a fog, and wants to work on the relationship. But maybe I am wrong, and our situation is the same, just at a different point? I don't know.

TU2, your questions are all valid ones. WH believes he has an addiction, so he is going to IC for that. And as for SF, I know that lately (since the baby was born) that has been an issue, but he started seeing escorts well before the baby was even in the picture, when I thought everything was good - but obviously not. Maybe trying to get pregnant was more of an issue with him than I thought? Anyway, I had really just made up my mind BEFORE DDay that we (ok, I) needed to work on that area of our lives, baby or no. But now, well, how can I ever compare? He has been enjoying variety, I don't even know how many or how often, and I don't think I can compete with that. Since DDay, I don't even want him to see me naked, and it makes me sick to even think about doing anything after he's been with prostitutes, how do I get over that?

The funny thing is, after looking at the questionaires on this site, I find that SF is actually pretty high on my list of needs! But I have a feeling that what SF means to me and what SF means to him might be very different.

thanks for the replies

lostcat -


Everyone feels their situation is different, and to some extent that is true. The details vary, but the general situation is consisitent.

I'm not a vet, but I've been at this for almost a year now. I would venture to say that the rules apply to your situation just as every other situation. You might - might - be able to skip a few steps (i.e., busting the affair and withdrawal), but your recovery can still utilize and benefit from the tools on this site.

I've caught up on your other posts, and you got some good advice from Artor on your other thread. Your husband has indicated his remorse and his willigness to take responsibility for his actions - now he needs to follow through.

Total and complete accountability - time and money. Set up your computer to block access to escort-related sites, and keep the monitoring software on it (and you keep the password).

He can regain your trust, but it will take time.

Keep working on those areas that you've identified that were your contributions to the state of your marriage - and kudos to you for being willing to examine yourself.


D-Day was just a few days ago, right? Around 10/2? If so, you're in the very early stage of this. Your reaction is normal and completely understandable.

I wouldn't view it as how do you get over that, but more as how you overcome that. Time is a big factor - it will take time. Replacing those bad memories with good memories with your H (they don't have to necessarily be SF).

And don't compare yourself (I know...that's hard not to do. Every BS struggles with this). His choices are not a reflection of you.

I'll share some of my personal experience with you. I too have struggled in the SF area with my wife after the affair - it can be hard to be intimate with your spouse when you have the specter of the A hanging in front of you, even after it's over and done. It's taken several months (probably 7 or 8...I had the comparison problem come up a few months after D-Day in my mind), but it's really not a problem for me anymore. In fact, just recently when my wife and I were having SF, I had thoughts of OM pop into my head, and simply said "F--- you. I'm here, you're not, and never will be." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

(OK...not very polite or Christian, but it sure worked for me).

You have 11 years of history with your husband, and that counts for a lot, even if it doesn't seem like it right now. Continue to work on your part of the marriage, hold your husband accountable (and be firm), but also encourage him when he does the right thing.

One final word of advice from me. A while back I realized that there were 3 recoveries going on - my own personal recovery, my wife's personal recovery, and our marital recovery. Three separate and distinct recoveries, but also inter-related. They will proceed at their own individual pace. It will be a roller coaster, but if you truly want your marriage (which both you and your husband seem to), it will be more than worth it.

I hope this helps.

LC,
Glad you found MBs as a source of support. Sorry that you find yourself in this situation. Your situation does have some unique aspects, but that doesn't mean that it is any less painful or horrific.

First of all, H and I are seven months post D-Day. Time does heal the pain. Honestly. When the shi* hit the fan here, I felt sick every day. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't function very well (somehow I found it in me to maintain two jobs and perform quite convincingly at home to my kids and everyone else). I made the mistake of asking him a question about his A's (he had two)--especially the OW that he had the EA and the PA with. He asked me if I was sure. Unfortunately I shouldn't have asked, because his answer has haunted me since then.

As far as your H being with escorts, I certainly can't offer any advice or understanding in that area. I can tell you that A's are about the OW meeting unmet ENs. He may very well have a sexual addiction. He needs to get a handle on this and gain an understanding of his own behaviors before he can truly answer your questions. If, for now, you are comfortable with NOT knowing all of the details, that's OK. It took me six months to ask questions. I had a list of things that I really wanted to know. I made sure that we were alone and that our discussion would only last for a set amount of time (half an hour). After that, the conversation ended and we were OK. I didn't hold anything he said in the coversation against him because that would make him not want to talk truthfully in the future. But it is only because we have had time to heal and time to recover and grow closer.

I am sorry that things are so tough on you. It is very difficult to get beyond the fact that you H had an affair with women who possess physical traits that you don't. I know how you feel. But as others have said, the A's had nothing to do with you. Your H started the A's and then continued them because he knew he could. Interesting....It's wasn't until my H was confronted and he was in danger of losing me that he came clean and ended all contact with OW.

Keep the faith, Hon. You can and will get through this. You are strong. Things will get better.

SS

Lost cat,

I am not an expert by any means in this situation.
I believe he should be in IC with a "Sex Therapist" not just a standard counsler. Perhaps he is already seeing one.

YOU HAVE HIS HEART,the escort\prost was only a FANTASY. There is no emotional attachment whatsoever with an escort\prostitute. They are ****** who sell their bodies for money, most spend it on drugs. They are the "DEVIL"

If you can find it in your heart to forgive him, and He learn to control his desires. I believe your wounds will heal over time and have a great marriage.

Focus on what it is that he fantasizes.

Stick with plan A, improve yourself, be a great Mom and Wife.

You may want to consider some counseling yourself to help you through this. It will also help you understand what MADE him do this to YOU.

It wont be easy, but you will make it through this.

Tu2

My advice, I am not an expert, but I am a vet.... some of the details of my Ws affairs served only to hurt, and they did nothing whatsoever to help restore the marriage. What I needed, more than any details, is assurance that all the details are IN THE PAST.... that your husband has committed to complete fidelity in the present and in the future.

The trust can be rebuilt as you and he create a new history together in which he has shown the "radical honesty" that is talked about on this website.

I felt, as you do, that I couldn't "measure up" to her OM - she was more than willing to confirm this in anything I asked her, she was completely demonizing me and sanctifying the OM for quite a time.

As to whether you're crazy, you are not crazy, and you are not alone in those feelings.