My "Please don't Divorce Me" begging letter to my wife. Names and places have been removed to protect the innocent. Don't waste your time begging. Brainwash\Believe\Convince yourself that your "wife" died, and only left a friend in her body. It's the only way I was able to cope with the pain.
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Dearest <wife>, stop! Before you disregard this letter or roll your eyes or sigh say “oh geez, what next?” – please read this letter in it’s entirety. I ask you as a friend, as a human being,, please read from start to finish. I ask you to open your heart and open your eyes <wife>. Just read my words as a friend, as a human being that has compassion and a heart.
I wanted to have this conversation with you the day you found my journal pages .. And about that. Don’t believe a word of that drivel. Words written in anger cut deep but they mean nothing. They mean nothing. They were words scribbled in pain, anger, and hopelessness and had no merit. I did not leave them for you to find. They were meant to be burned and never seen by your eyes. They hurt you and made you angry. Evil thoughts in the back of a mans mind should never be written down or spoken .. They should be replaced. You are a good person. Everything you have done and said has purpose and reason behind it. No one should talk that way to you ever, and my anger is gone. I’m to tired for anger. My shock is wearing off and now I sit in denial - and I think partly that is why I write this. I told you that I’ve accepted that we’re going to end. I don’t accept it right now but I will .. It will take time. I told you once that I hated you for all this .. I don’t hate you .. I don’t hate you .. I love you <wife> .. But I will accept this if I must..
We had a rocky start when we first met. We didn’t know really who we were. We both search today to find ourselves in this crazy world that we live in. I had no “ramantic” feelings for you when we first met. I thought of you as a “friend” and a “buddy” .. Gradually we both came to depend on one another and that dependence deepened our friendship and turned into love .. You depended on me .. And me on you .. For love, companionship, for partnership. We got married, we were in love. Maybe you didn’t really “love” me in the romantic sense, but you were fond of me as a mate and a spouse. We started our life together, we had some great times .. Some really great memories which will never be forgotten .. I can remember us laughing together. I can remember us crying together. I remember us walking together holding hands during various times and places. They are fond memories that will never be forgotten. I can remember on your porch of your apartment on <address> ..I had the greatest anxiety attack of my life .. And you held me the whole way through – you gave me something to eat..you held my hand through it .. I clung to you on that porch for dear life ..you told me “it’s ok, everything is going to be fine” .. You told me this becuase you loved me ...and I thanked God for you. You’ve been in ****** before ..you lost the baby (please keep reading) .. I’ held your hand as you lay for weeks in bed .. Depressed, I wanted to take your pain. If I could have I would have. I would have bore your burden. I spent many nights alone in our living room at <address> while you lay in bed .. I prayed hard for you and cried becuase I wanted you to come around. I desperately wanted you to be happy again. I wanted you to be happy again .. Life got better, we bought a house, we had a beautiful baby girl who we both love dearly. ..all good things.
Right now, your content with your decision. You’ve made up your mind as the right choice for your life. In your reality - my absence will be your utmost gateway to happiness and freedom. I know this is not a snap decision you’ve made. I know that it’s been long coming. Over the past year or so you’ve been making your case .. In your mind. Slowly you started to collect “brown tickets” .. For me..brown stains that could not be ignored. Eventually you collected to many “tickets” and I was found wanting. “How could this go on?” you thought. “With all these faults how could I live the rest of my life with this person?” “How will I be happy with this person” Then you forfeited your battle. You gave up on me, and I don’t blame you. In you’re mind you’re right - and this decision is right. My removal from your life is the right way. This is your conclusion. You’ve taken a long time to come to this end. The jury is out and I’m guilty therefore I must be removed. There’s “no other way that I can be happy” you thought. You’ve shared this perhaps with members of your family .. This only reinforced your decision. You have every right to think these things, it’s been a long and hard decision that you’ve come to. Now as we still live together, I have not left - and you hate me for it. I know this becuase I had a dream that you hate me. I had a dream that we were both sitting on the couch and I asked “Do you have a seething hatred towards me?” and you nodded with tears in your eyes. You just want this to be over and I understand that. Your tired and mad, upset that you cannot get on with your life - I know you’re anxious about the future, concerned about making ends meet. ******, you might be going through the same emotions as me .. Stomach knotted up, tired of it all and just wanting it to end .. A new life on the other side.
After the baby came, there was another important person in my life, all my attention that I gave to you, all my love and doting then had to be shared with this little person. I had no idea. I had no idea. You became 2nd and you should have been 1st. This upset you .. That was the beginning .. Since that time, like drops in a bucket - all my faults and mistakes slowly fell into the bucket .. Each drop in the bucket hurt you. Eventually, the bucket overflowed and the hurt, loneliness, and pain overflowed - and you conciously decided that I am the source of your unhappiness and malaise. So you cut me out of your heart to end the pain and labeled me as a failure. Now your pain is eased and you await my departure.
I had no idea <wife>. I had no idea. I would give everything if you would have told me 1 year ago “Marriage counseling or divorce! Choose!” I would have seen the light. I would have seen the light .. But I did not see. I was blind. I was deaf. I was dumb. I chose to avoid the conflict and now I must face the ultimate penalty..my wife whom I love loves me no longer. I am simply a source of pain and defeat .. to be discarded. The world tore me down <Wife>, the blah of everyday life, the discontent with my life made me withdrawl. You said recently that I’ve been “depressed for a long time..” You were right. The addiction that I suffered sapped my cheer, my hope, my satisfaction with everyday life and I became depressed. But I SEE THE LIGHT NOW. I want to make you happy but I don’t want to lose you. I know my departure will make you happy .. Becuase you have condemned me as a mistake and are ready to get on with your new life. Right now I stand at a door. You’ve said it’s over. You’ve made that clear. But as you shut the door forcefully I am peeking through with one last plea. I appeal. I appeal for a life that once was. I appeal for a life that could be. It is my right to appeal your decision. I am a condemned man. As I slowly killed your love for me .. I did it slowly and quietly..Your wound is healed and you’re ready to remove the bandages and break free. And your love for me is dead but I can dream. I can hope. This is my last hope, my last try. I can walk on but I don’t want to. I could find a new love and life and maybe have a home one day with children and grandchildren but I don’t want to. I don’t want to go on without you. Therefore I appeal your decision this last and final time. I’m not a desperate man - I’m a condemned man. I lay on the ground with a gaping wound - a knife in the heart - mortally wounded my spirit is defeated, with my last bit of effort I write this out of love for you, and what could be. My wound is deep. It hurts. It will heal I’m sure. Time and Gods grace heals all wounds. I will bounce back after I heal myself but a man can dream.
Don’t see me as a mistake <wife>. Look past my faults and what do you see? Open your mind and ignore my faults for a moment. Ignore all the things you don’t like about me for a moment. Can you still see good in me? Can you see the happy times that we’ve had? Can you envision happiness together? I can see it. Can you still see me as a man who loves you with all his heart? Is there any way that I can ressurect your love? I’m a doctor with paddles trying to restart your heart, to restart your love - please don’t die. I’m not perfect - I have faults. I have issues. I have hang-ups and I make mistakes. I’m willing to change. Human beings can change! Think of one person in your life that you love with all your heart - now pretend that they are dying and you stand over them - crying - in pain and anguish - that is me..the “you who I love” is dying before me. You are dying (not in the literal sense of course) but in my heart you are dying fast and the pain is intsnse and I am torn - I don’t want to lose you .. I want you to stay with me .. Don’t die <Wife> - don’t kill the women I love. Is their any shred of love for a man who loves you back? Is there anything left? Can you look past my mistakes? Can you forgive me? Forgive me please I beg of you I can change. I can make you happy. I can open my ears and my heart. I won’t discount your feelings anymore. I want you to love me back <wife>, look past my faults..see me as someone who wants to change and be happy too .. To be happy with you. . ...together.
I did this. This is my own doing. You tried. You tried. You failed at making me come around - I was unmoved - you said “F It!” and pressed on. I was’t aware. I’m aware now. I can take what I’ve learned from this. I can go .. I can heal myself and get on with my life. I can be a new person and we can let bygones be bygones, water under the bridge .. I can go forth and do x, y, and z with my life - but I don’t want to do it without you. I want to make you happy.
Oh, <wife>, give a man a second chance. Give a man a second chance <wife> please I beg of you. You can take the knife out of my heart and I will have learned from it. Take all my faults and cast them away, look at me in a new light - I can be a new person. I can be better - I know I can - give a man a chance. Don’t turn your back on me when I need you the most. Please, I said I wouldn’t beg but I’m begging now - give a man a second chance. Don’t leave me here and walk on. We could have beautiful and happy life together. It’ is a dream I have.
You’re a good person and you’ve got a great heart. You can be kind and thoughtful. You are strong willed and assertive. You have a new found sense of self confidence about yourself. I’m not asking for your pity. I’m asking for your love - not in the romantic sense - but as a person, as someone who is in pain and willing to change. I’m asking you for a second chance. I’m a good person and I’ve got a lot to offer .. Becuase I can change .. I can be a new man.
I miss you so much. You don’t miss me and you won’t miss me and I accept that – becuase you’ve already gave up long ago. But, oh, if I could hold your hand again or make you laugh again - what I would give for that..If we could just lay in bed again and talk to each other like we used to .. We could share our feelings and our dreams. I have visions of us walking on the beach together holding hands in the sunset. I have dreams of us sitting together holding hands .. Watching our daughter graduate from high school. I have dreams of us taking care of each other when we’re old and grey haired. I don’t want to give up my dreams <wife>. I don’t want to walk on without you. I love you so much I would carry you through the desert. I’m a man who loves you. I’m a good man and a good person. You said that I deserve better recently. Better in what way? Everyone on this earth has faults. There is no perfect fish in the sea. There is no perfect mate. Everyone in this world makes mistakes .. BUT everyone in this world can change.
One of the happiest days of my life is when you said “I do!” Now you say “I don’t anymore..” and these are the saddest days of my life. I’m not asking you to say “I do!”
I’m asking you to say “I forgive you, you can change and I accept that .. I choose to love you despite your faults”
I’m asking you now to love me, not by feeling or emotion, but by choice, if you choose not to love me then I accept that.
This is my last appeal. My last shock to your dead heart. I hope I can bring you back to life. I’m not a failure. You didn’t make a mistake. I’m flawed and so are you - we can change together .. We can be better people..happier people ..together.
I love you. I love you. I love you. Don’t throw me away. I’m not worthless, I’m not a write off. I’m a person. I’m begging for your love.
With Love,
<husband>
