I saw reference to a thread on contacting WS family but couldn't find the thread itself.

Anyway, I'm considering whether it would be worth writing to MIL and if so what to write. Part of the problem is MIL doesn't know english though I can get what I write translated it may suffer through translation.

The other thing I wonder is if it could help at all or if it has too much potential to hurt the situation.

I'm pretty sure she doesn't know most of the real story but I don't really know what WS told her since the conversation (right before WS moved out) was in another language. All I was able to get was that MIL's opinion was that people (meaning me) could change. Which probably isn't a particularly promising position even if she did hold out some hope. I'm sure she doesn't understand any of the nature of infidelity (and how would I tell her that her lovely daughter is lying to her anyway?) Nor would she necessarily want to accept that it took both of us to let things get where they did.

But I would like to explain to her a bit of the situation and express my feelings towards WS and desire to recover our family.

Thoughts? Benefit? Harm? What to write?

Thanks,
love_left

I have the same problem - language barrier to the family of my cheating spouse.

For you, not having a communication with them makes the situation harder, and on the whole it is probably a lot better to start some kind of conversation with them. Without your spouse's help it's a big and cumbersome extra burden that most people cannot relate to, not having the exposure to this special situation.

Beyond what to write, have you thought about _how_ to get a letter translated? Having it translated by a professional translation bureau may not always be the best method, because you don't really what kind of effort he is going to put into it. Do you have, or can you find anyone who speaks the language, so that you can design and discuss the details of a letter piece-by-piece?

On the whole, it's hard to give advice here on what you could/should/might write without knowing any details about where you stand with your in-laws. Is it possible to give some more details about your situation?

DMbx,

I have a friend whose sister is willing to translate for me. That is probably the best I can do. I have a couple of other friends who could also but they are friends with WS too so I think it best to keep this separate, not that I have anything to hide but I don't want their bias to intrude.

We've only met under two fairly stressful situations - the first when we stayed with them for a few days during WS's sister's wedding (first wedding and youngest child). The second when the whole family visited us for a few weeks when DD3 was 8 months old - WS was on mat. leave but I was working.

I do know that MIL asked WS "are you sure this is what you really want" after visiting us but don't know the full context or meaning. One of WS's sister thought it was just a reference to our common-law marriage (she too is common-law.) Same sister's reaction to WS's affair was rather underwhelming however. And of course MIL's "people can change" So I don't really know where I stand.

I could maybe send some MB links to one of WS's sisters, then she could translate those for MIL - then it isn't my thoughts getting skewed.

I'm still struggling over what to write. Even my own mother didn't really understand the situation until I forwarded her a couple of the threads here.

Also, do I tell WS that I am writing or does that just give her time to do damage control.

Thanks,
love_left

Still looking for some help, ideas what to write.

Thanks,
love_left

Dont write it or send it. It wont do any good. Most inlaws probably dont agree with their child having an affair, but they WILL side with their child. They just want the person to be happy, regardless of the consequences.

I knew my inlaws for 16yrs.......wonderful, wonderful people. I talked to both of them about my EX having an affair, they didnt believe me and said I was too controlling and jealous. Anyhow, they suggested I move on for both my EXs sake and the families sake. Well, they later found out the truth.....that my EX was having an affair. They are still nice to me after our divorce, but they still sided with my EX.

Maybe you're right. Thing is, I suspect they don't even know she is having an affair.

love_left

I have a different opinion than StartingOver - I think it is a good move to write.

The reason: If you say nothing, then they will make up their minds without any regards to YOUR feelings or opinions. They might as well well make up their minds with your influence in the mix rather than without.
*Maybe* it won't have any effect, true, but you are bound to lose even more if you don't say anything.
*Maybe* they won't listen to you, true, but then, maybe they will. How do you know if you don't even try? Give up without even giving it a shot?

What to write probably depends on what background your spouse is from. For example, you mention that you are living common law. If your spouse is from a culture with very old-fashioned traditional (hispanic, etc.) they won't put much store in a common law relationship, and in fact it could well be a source of embarassment for them. So it's very important to take that into account.

<quote: "I could maybe send some MB links to one of WS's sisters, then she could translate those for MIL - then it isn't my thoughts getting skewed."> -- forget about that one, unless you are on really good and close terms with her, absolutely nothing is going to happen via 'remote control'. Nothing will get translated, nothing will get read or even looked at. You have to do the work, you have to write a personal letter directly to the Mother-in-law, with your signature on it.

Appeal to their emotions. You have a child, from the VERY thin information that you supply us here. Connect your writing to your bond with the child, and his/her future.

If you have a translator who is not directly connected to your spouse is best.
And by the way, you probably won't get a lot of responses on this board if you don't supply any details - nobody knows what to say in an information vacuum.

Best of luck.

I told my MIL what was going on. She was visiting and saw how he was treating me. She said she was ashamed how he was acting. She also gave me (and still gives me) support. I value her like my own mother and she treats me like a daughter.

I told her so it wouldn't knock her out if things got nasty and he left me for OW. I have to admit that I asked her to NEVER recognize OW if that happened.

I'm glad I shared it, but I'm also very close with MIL.

Does anyone on this site speak/write the language of your MIL? Maybe they could translate for you as they "get it."

DMbx,

That's a good point too. I would like to express my feelings even if it falls on deaf ears at this point.

WS's background is Chinese which generally holds fairly traditional values - of 4 siblings two are M, two common-law.

MIL speaks Cantonese - anyone here willing to translate?

I was thinking of sending the MB links to her sister but to tell MIL that I had done so mostly because there is so much and it would be a lot to ask someone to translate and MIL would hear it more direct from the website than if I write it into a letter. Just sending them to the sister probably wouldn't accomplish much.

I wonder too how much of the facts of the affair I should tell?

My long-winded story is in http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...&PHPSESSID=

Thanks,
love_left

LL - I live in HK and could arrange translation of your letter. I'm not chinese but have a friend who is fluent in English and Cantonese.

If your wife is chinese, her family will be very disappointed with her choice to have an affair. I would definitely send MIL a letter detailing your knowledge of the A and your desire to recover your relationship.

The HK chinese are very driven by money (as you probably know). If OM is wealthy, then you might not get the support you need from your in-laws.

My email address is [email]alidadolata@hotmail.com.[/email] I would obviously have to ask my friend about her willingness to translate, but I don't imagine it would be a problem. I'm in China tomorrow but will check in to see if you still need help. Sorry I can't personally help you - my cantonese after 16 yrs in HK is pathetic.

I never said the inlaws would not be sympathetic, but blood is pretty thick.....and the inlaws will want their child to be happy in the long run. Even if their child is totally wrong. Send it if you must.......just remember what I said.

tucktummy,

Thanks, I appreciate the offer. I still have to figure out what to write of course. Is your friend will acquainted with MB? If so it might be easier to get that info across than with my friend's sister.

I have some recollection of being told that there is a traditional and new style of written Chinese, if this is true I'm not sure which MIL uses.

WS's grandfather left China and this family isn't money driven. Even if they were OM is not wealthy (similar income to me) and assuming he keeps going down this path with my WS will have child support, alimony, etc. expenses to pay from his own D so probably less than me (I'm comfortable but not wealthy.)

StartinOver,

I don't really expect sympathy, blood as you say, it may just be pushing on a rope - do you see harm in it though? But if there is anything in what DMbx suggests then by writing I know I have done my best towards our family. If I don't I might always wonder if I should have. And if WS didn't actually tell them about the A they might start questioning.

Thanks,
love_left