"So I no longer feel any guilt whatsoever about removing my children from the influence of these people."

You never should have felt any such guilt in the first place, IMO.

IMO it is dangerous for them to be around the stb stepmother who is evil even when not drinking. Keep a paper trail of all incidents, however small.

Norfolk, right. Your previous discriptions convinceed me to see it next time I am over there.

Please take very good care of yourself.

With prayers,

PS: I think you are right to take it slow with BF. Minimum two years personal recovery, you know.

Maybe not, but despite the way that he's behaved, the girls still love their dad and like to be with him.

They are in great schools, and who's to say that moving schools, not to mention counties, isn't going to have a harsh impact on them, particularly DD13?


I would be moving them away from everything they have ever known.

It is going to be very tough on them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

I would be moving them away from everything they have ever known.

The good stuff, but also their drunk, dysfunctionally entitled father and his slut trying to leverage the girls to legitimise their evil cradling.

Dear Alphin,

I hope you have (had) a good time in Berlin.
You need some serious battery-recharging I think !

It might help you to keep in mind that whatever happens..
Whatever evil tartzilla concocts out of fear of you and the impact you have on X and DD's..
It will always be temporary.

Here's a 5-year forecast for X and OW:
In 5 years' time, your DD's will both no longer be children.
They'll have a mind of their own, and know pretty much about what OW is about.
It seems tartzilla is rather controlling and that's a bad mix with a teenagers' hormones <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />.
In 5 years' time, your X will cheat on her because of all the same reasons he cheated on you, since he hasn't changed himself.
In 5 year's time, you'll still be a puppy (hey, I'm 45 right now so don't start!).

I do hope your body will have been healed by then.

I think it's always a good idea to voice to your children what you think is the right way to do things.
They're smart - they'll correct you if you don't do it yourself, and they will certainly know if other people aren't living up to this standard.

My mum was scared of my dad's reaction if she didn't agree with him, so she simply complied all the time.
That way I never got any "standards" except that I needed to be a "good girl" and "not upset others".
That made me a big time conflict avoider, unable to voice my inner self or my needs..
Not so healthy.

If someone had told me about how to
- treating others with respect (POJA for example, as far as possible with children)
- not letting others hurt you if you can help it (setting boundaries and self respect)
- no DJ's, no LB's..
- radical honesty..
- acting responsibly (meaning no drinking/getting drunk)
- not promising things one can't fulfill (like OW did with the shoes, taking them to this store and letting them choose = a promise to a child)..
...
I would have stayed FAR AWAY from X1 (alcohol problems) and X2 (repeated cheater) !!

I think that's pretty good stuff for any personal relationship and that it's a good standard for kids, too.
It will give your DD's something to "measure" OW's behavior with.

(((((Alphin))))))

It might, it might not.
But she'll survive and make the best of it, as we all need to do in life.

But think about this also.
If you stick around and let this whole situation drag you down for as long as it will go on..
What example are you setting to your DD's, who will one day choose a partner modelling after mom and dad ?

They might be upset about moving..
Sulk..
"Hate" you..
Think dad is so much "easier" (read: push over)..
But they will come around and they will learn that a person should not just sit and swallow everything (CA).
That is a present you are giving them for the rest of their lives.
And you'll feel better - you'll heal better.

I suggest renting "Freaky Friday" (with Jamie Lee Curtis) for info on the subject <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.
(dealing with sulking teenager stuff, that is)

Hang in there Alphin. It is already getting better.

I think you should move. It feels scarier to you than it would be for the girls. But I understand your reluctance to uproot them. I had the same feelings re DS when I was planning to move away from here during the separation and Plan B after D-Day 2.

But there are good schools, I suspect, there too. And family. And new frineds.

A new adventure.

With prayers,

We moved three times when I was a child. One time was to a foreign country.

We moved the final time when I was 10 and my sister the same age as DD13.

My family now all agree with what my sister has been saying for years - that this had a detrimental affect on her emotional and academically. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

And this was with the support of a complete parental unit around her. She didn't come from a broken home. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Since WXH left, the only solid foundation for DD13 has been me and DD6, and her friends at school. I do feel that moving may be one trauma too far for DD13.

I know - kids adjust. I know - I have to think about myself and not just the kids. I know that WXH and OW are drunken bums and it's probably best to limit their access to the kids.

I also know that moving is not the easy option, and it could really blow up in my face.

My sister is a recovering alcoholic, with a history of pain and resentment that she is only now (thanks to her 'steps' program) coming to terms with.

I dread pushing DD13 any further in that direction - WXH has already fractured her future enough as it is.

Alph.

Your D is 13. Respect the fact that she is older and is entitled to receive and give support. Have you asked her opinion? She may want to move if it means it w/b better for you and the family.

Ask for her support and see what she says. My family moved a lot. Yes, it could have hurt me emotionally or it could have made me stronger. I vote for the later and it works. I never wanted to move but learned to adapt. She can also.

JMHO,
L.

Alphin,

I live half a world away. I have never met you and I never will – I know almost nothing about you, your needs, your loves or your hopes. But I know you wrote this:

“Stupid how I am afraid to let go of this dark and self-destructive bitterness inside me. It's like I feel I'm afraid that if I do a) the affair will last forever and they'll be happy for the rest of their lives and b) they'll never accept that they've done anything wrong and all my hurt and betrayal - the absolute h*llish nightmare I went through - will be as if it never was.”

I think “as it never was” is exactly what you need. And it does not matter how you get there. You need to get to where it is as if it never was.

Then you will be ready to be happy again.

I felt the same way as you for a long, long time. I did. Not until I decided to have a great life anyway, and started acting on it, did I start moving away from this utter bleakness. It took me a while, but I no longer care that they got away with it in the end.

Bitterness can become an addictive drug. Use it for too long and it becomes all we have left to feel. (Imagine what the eternal he11 must be like, huh.)

Do whatever you need to do to stop using the drug of bitterness.

So, IMO moving could be part of the cure for you. I know, the geographic cure rarely works for alcoholics. But Harley claims it works for NC. And you need some NC with your bitter feelings for WxH and omelette. You need a new start.

Leave the adulterers behind. Take your children and leave the adulterers behind.

With prayers,

Thanks Aphelion. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I had one of my regular Crohn's hospital appointments yesterday. Though it was not so 'regular' as I was getting the results of a bone density scan and discussing beginning a different course of treatment as the regular drugs I take don't seem to be doing it for me any more.

The bone density result showed 'significant' deterioration in the density of my spine bones, due to the high levels of steroids I have been taking since WXH left. I am only 37, but my bones are beginning to crumble.

I was shocked by this. I knew that steroids might have this affect, but I didn't think it would happen to me. Strong bones run in my family. My paternal grandmother, bless her, who died at the age of 99, used to wander about her nursing home in her final, confused years, regularly falling down stairs but never breaking a bone.

My mother has great bones, too, with no sign of thinning - she is in her mid-sixties.

The doctor said I should be taking calcium suppliments now to help replace the lost mass. I have been taking them since I first went on steroids - about a year ago - and this has still happened.

I have to go back in two months to discuss the new treatment with immunosuppressants. Apparently they can reduce your life expectancy by up to 20 years. He was reluctant to start me on them immediately, but if I have another flare up between now and then there will be no choice.

I know I need to break the cycle of bitterness, but when I get news like I got yesterday, it all wells up inside me again. WXH and OW didn't cause my illness, but WXH left me knowing full well that I had the illness and how bad it could become, and lo, because of the pain and stress he caused, it became much, much worse.

I feel that they have destroyed my life and health. I hate them for it. It's something I can never get back - the damage to my insides is done, and irreversable - I am scarred and twisted. The damage to my bones is done - even if I continue to take calcium suppliments (or some other treatment) they will never be built up to what they were.

I'm sorry. All I seem to do is moan and complain about my lot. I know that many have it worse than I do. But my situation was so preventable. If only I hadn't been married to such a selfish, selfish man. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

{{{{alph}}}}

Alphin, my WH was EXACTLY like yours - so full of entitlement and so unwilling to apologise for his terrible behaviour. It is only his illness that has made him humble. I'm so sorry about your health problems - it makes things so much tougher for you. (((Alphin))). x

Dear Alphin,

Sending you an {{{MB Hugz}}} from the middle of the big blue. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

As for the OW and WS....well..... they are stupid. You realize that you have support, love and care they will never have and no one can take that away from you.

The world may not make things look good for you but you have what will last a lifetime in the joy that comes from you as a persona radianting the inner beauty that only belongs to those who truly love what is right.

The OW and WS live in a fantasy world that will not last. It was never real and will never be real.

Btw, the OW stinks like poop. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

Thanks for the hugs, b0b, TT and Orchid. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

TT, I wonder if anything on this plane could possibly make my ex humble. Perhaps only losing his kids, though I hasten to add that my moving has nothing to do with wanting to 'punish' him.

Orchid, I've never gotten close enough to inhale the essence of the OW, but she certainly looks and acts like poop! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Feeling more positive now - I'm not beaten yet!

Alph.

Alphin

One day - and this happens with pretty much every WS that I have seen - WS looks in the mirror and the full horror of what they have become is revealed briefly, just before they recompose their veneer of justification.

THAT must be very very humbling indeed.

(((Alphin)))

Oh I know how you feel. I got my cancer diagnoses 6 weeks after WH left. Then, after a good post-surgical diagnosis (hadn't spread to the nodes) I was told I'd need 6 months of weekly chemo. I know that my treatments will end, and yours is chronic-but getting slammed with more to carry is so hard.

I understand that feeling of knowing the WH (and with you-psycho OW) brought on the destruction of your health.
It has been hard for me not to wonder why I got cancer when WH walked away from us. Also, sometimes I wonder why he didn't get it.

You AREN'T moaning or complaining. You feel like a huge dumptruck of mud was dumped on you, and just as you climbed out from that muck, another one dumped on you again.

As my FIL so eloquently put it when he heard my news (not from his son mind you, but from me) "S*#T"

That sums it up <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Here's a verse that carries me sometimes-
Ps.31:15 "My times are in Your hands"

I will be praying for you

johnstwin,

You were one of those I was thinking of when I said that many have it worse than me... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Thank you for your kind and sympathetic words.

I was also thinking of a friend of my mother's whose husband left her when she was pregnant with their second child.

He was self employed, and for a while managed to wrangle it so that she had absolutely nothing. He blamed her for the break up, though it was obvious to everyone that the marriage ended because he had an affair and moved in with another woman. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> She lost her home; she and the kids had to move in with her parents, all the time he was trying to take the kids off her saying that she shouldn't have them if she couldn't support them! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Eventually, though, she got enough money out of him to buy herself a new house! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> And now she is remarried to a wonderful man.

It took her a long time to get where she is, though - her ex wasn't going to give her a cent. She had to fight for everything.

I think those who leave when their spouses are most in need of love and protection - pregnant, seriously ill - and then show no remorse or regret (in fact, blame that needy spouse) are beyond redemption.

Alph.