I recently found out my husband has cheated once again. It seems like this is an every couple years thing and I've done marriage counseling, individual counseling, and mentoring. I have grown as a Christian and he has not. Initially he was sorry and willing to do anything to save our family, but since I found out it wasn't a one night stand, but him going out of state twice to meet this woman things have changed. I feel out of my mind for even considering staying with him again. I don't have the money for counseling and I don't know how much good it would do. The thing that bothers me the most is the 5 children that we have. He's never understood how this will affect them. He told this woman he was divorced and did not mention our children. He took her out for dinner and took her to play golf. I've wanted to play golf with him before and he told me that was his thing he liked to do alone. The last affair he had he took that woman to a place I asked him to take me for a couple of years. I can't see how he says he loves me when he spends "quality" time with other women. There may be more than the three I know about, but you can't get the full truth out of him unless you have it in your hand. We recently signed papers to move into a new house that our children are really excited about. I don't want them to be hurt, but I do have somewhere else that we can go. I'm so confused.

About what? This all seems quite crystal clear, to me.


And you're still here? I can guarantee that I wouldn't be.... what kind of example is this for your children?
What do you want them to learn?


Well said.....

I'm sorry he has not figured it out. I'm not the best for giving advise, many here don't agree with my decision, and I know I am setting myself up for who knows what.

I decided to stay with my WH, who may or may not be a WH, I don't care anymore. I decided that I would not allow him to be the source of my unhappiness, and I knew that to divorce him would cause my children great unhappiness and lifestyle changes such as moving, maybe to a different area, giving up activities that they love. Their happiness means everythign to me. So, I made a decision to not let his activities bring me unhappiness, and as long as we stay married, so my children don't ahve to change their lives, that makes me happy. IF they are happy, I am happy. And WH or H, can do what he wants, he will anyway. The reason I'm posting, is to show you that even though he does stuff that causes you great hurt, you have choices on your happiness.

Thank you! The kids are my world and the last time we seperated our oldest son 7 (then 5) was absolutly crushed when his daddy left. I can't bear to see that look on his face again. Our children are shielded from all of this and I put on a happy face for them. I'm still debating what to do. He thinks I need counseling because I can't seem to start moving on after one week! He feels that as long as he goes to church, (eventually) gets counseling and stays out of bars he'll be ok. Just saying it doesn't prove anything.

I believe my H has cheated on me more than I know about - I found out a couple of years ago that his 1st wife suspected him of cheating. - No Kids, so she could cut her ties and move on freely.

I have read Dr. Harleys books and I found them very helpful - You can only control your actions, your feelings and your decisions.

Will I ever divorce my husband, maybe - but not in the immediate future

IF you have not read his books I really do recommend them. If you want to know how to spy on him using the computer, I can tell you that.

I think they "break up alot", and of course like any addiction, they get back together

I intercepted an e-mail from her to him, that she was complaining of her family because they were sending her self help books and trying to get her to realize that being with my H was bad for her. (they don't like him) I don't know if they know if he is married. I know a former boss of mine works or use to work for the same company as her mom. The only thing is, her mom might be her supervisor.
when my H decided to come clean, he told me that her mom was trying for the Director of Nursing job. I told my H taht my floor manager is also the weekend ER manager at that same facility that her mom works at. If her mom did not get the Director of Nursing job, she is the manager of the behavioral Health unit - like she has not seen the results of affairs in the form of depression

Depending upon your net provider, if you are the admin, you can set it up to send copies of incoming e-mail to your account. I have them sent to my yahoo account, he cannot view that. I keep up on it, because I want to know that status, but they don't hurt anymore, because I won't let them.

IF my children were not a factor in the equation, I would not be here. They believe all is okay, in general they are happy, and H pretends to be a loving husband, he knows all the right moves to make in front of them and I'm okay with it Do I deserve more, you betcha I do. Do my kids derserve to know the unhappiness of divorce NO - everyone I know who comes from a broken home, all had issues at teenagers, eventually, most of them straightened out. Lets see - there is my the person who was my bestfriend through school - pregant SR hear of high school, her sister pregnant Sr year of high school, her brother got his girlfriend pregnant in highschool, her oldest sister, no high school pregnany, she got heavey into drugs and 3 divorces. Lets go back to her brother - almost divorced because of booze and drugs, my friend drugs, her sister who ws pregnant is high school - drugs also. Lets see, the kids I use to babysit - drugs and divorce all but one of them and lets not forget - 2 of them teen pregnancy - they also straightened out later in life. But they had rougher teen years than they should have. My coworker - she turned out okay, but said her youth was very unhappy - her siblings, alcoholism. Maybe this is not the norm, and many divorced kids turn out okay - but I'm not willing to take the chance. Oh, I forgot, my sister -divorced my neice, pregnant Jr year of high school - no drugs(thank god) busted for under age drinking (okay, I guess I can overlook that one, seh does not abuse alcohol, I drank underage, just never got caught). So what I have personally seen as product of divorce well, it is not a life I am willing to risk on my childre. Oh, and some could say that it could have been prevented with belief in god, faith in god, good upbringing by the custodial parent - my friend from high school, her mom - the most religious woman I know. Very loving, and understanding of her children. The mom of the kids I babysat - also very loving and good to her kids, my sister, a better mom than I am. So, I will have a hard tiime believing that divorce does not leave deep scars in kids. Not the scars I want my kids to have.

Even my own H, I see the scars from his parents divorce, in that situation, to have stayed married would have subjected the kids to alot of physical abuse. My H, very insecure, needs lots of attention. Needs lots of worshiping. His brother - affraid to commit to a relationship - I don't even know if he has a girlfriend or dates - he keep it a secret. My MIL, very religious also. He has no memories before the age of 6. I have some, not many, but a couple, he has none. My bil, wants nothing to do with his father. My H, jumps everytime if father says to, he has done if for so long, he does not even have to ask how high

As you can see, I don't see good things coming from divorce. Just my personal observations. I'm sure there are others who have better stories than I have seen or maybe they even experienced them.

After all of that, what it really comes down to, you have to make your own decision regarding what you can handle, and what you can accept, and how to achieve your own happiness. It is your decision, and you have to do what you feel is right for you and your children. My decsion was years in the making. I started my thread out her in about 4 years ago. It took alot of tears and heartache to get me to where I am. You have to decide, do you want to do that. It was not easy to get to this point and not become bitter or negative. Overall, I am a happy person. Alot of people got upset with me because I would not follow their advise and was convinced I was making a mistake. If I had followed their advise, would things be different - I don't know, maybe he would be faithful, but I was not willing to sacrifice my children to find out.

That's exactly it! My parents seperated when I was nine and divorced when I was about 12. By then they both had dated other people (which drove me nuts) and my mother had another child by another man. I was very upset about that because I was already providing care to my three younger siblings. Luckily the guy she had my brother by was a great person who helped me to be who I am today. Still I would've rather had my parents together. They were and are both alcoholics. But when my dad lived at home there was a sense of stability. We sat down at the table and had dinner every night or went to my Granny's. My dad comes from a family of 10 children and they are all religious. My dad is like the bad egg.
Life growing up was really hard. My mom always blamed my dad and the drinking and my dad just left and came to see us at his convenience. I basically became a mom at 10 which eventually led to my mother and I battling over who was the parent. Anyway after years of resentment towards my dad I found out that my mom wasn't as pure as she claimed to be. I watched her cheat on my stepdad for years, and wondered why he stayed. I also realized my dad had been telling the truth about her cheating. She still denies it to this day. My stepdad eventually left with my younger brother, but we still communicate. So far out of all 5 of us I'm the only one who graduated.
In 2000 my younger sister was killed. Some guy decided to shoot up her car because he couldn't hit some beer bottles that he and his drunk friends were shooting at. (I'm still hesitant to believe this) He fired 5 shots at her car, the first one hitting her in the neck. I was 7 months pregnant with my second son and got the phone call. I rushed to the hospital with my brother and we basically met the ambulance there. She was still breathing on her own at the time, so I whispered in ear and told her I loved her and to pray. My dad was in another state working and my mother was in jail. They let my mom out and my dad flew in the next morning. That night she was pronounced brain dead and they took her off life support. She was 19 and had a 15 month old son.
Since then my aunt died from doing crack. My mother and my sister are strung out on it. My mom lost the house we lived in since I was 3 over $3000 dollars in property taxes. (It was paid off???) My brother (from my parents) is in jail again. My dad has had my other sisters children (four of them 5,4,3,and 1 1/2) since September 2005. She had a 5th child a boy, who my cousin has had since he was 3 days old because they found crack in her and the childs system. My mother came from a broken home also. The cycle continues.
I just don't want my children to go that route. I'm blessed to be where I am. I went through my party stage and I wasn't a good wife in the beginning because I never had a good example. Since I found God I changed all that. I can't figure out my husband though. He came from a good home and two loving parents. I suggested to him today that I want to sit down with them and discuss what he has done. I feel that he needs that EXPOSURE! I've heard the same thing over and over again. Him sitting in church on Sunday doesn't change things. His affairs have never truly been dealt with. He thinks I find out, he's sorry, we start again. I'm not the one who keeps falling though.

I cant believe what Im reading.......STAY with a serial cheater only for the sake of the kids????

Maybe these spouses will bring you a gift from the other person, like a child out of wedlock or an STD or AIDS.....that would make the family really loving and come together.

Honestly, when is enough.....enough???? *shakes head*

Not just for the kids, but for what I believe God is putting on my heart.

Starting over - you have some very valid points, I can't answer for lost, but I can answer for myself, - I am PERFECTLY aware of the risks, and I am willing to take the risks. Because to leave him would be a guarantee of unhappiness for my childern, who I know one would not recover, and if he did, it would be years down the road. It is not worth it.

We ALL have to make our own decisions for what is right for the decision maker.

One of the reasons I don't come here as often as I use to is, because the support and advise I use to receive turned into negative telling me what to do, and basically hinting that I was stupid for not doing as they told me to do. Let be explain what advice means - it means you provide information that could be helpful, but it is up to the receiver to decide what they want to do with it. It does not mean that they have to do it.

Lost, there is alot of good people out here who do give good advice and support, without coming across as controlling and who also come across as taking on the parent role and tell you what to do.

Make your own decisions, of what you can live with, after all, you have to live with it.

I probably won't be back, becuase it was this type of comments on my thread is the reason I don't come here very often, of course most of the negative people don't post to me anymore, because I let them know in my own way that negative posts were not welcome.

I still recommend Dr. Harleys books, he has a lot of good advice, and you decide what you want to do with it.

Where do you post? And thank you! I have a lot of people tell me I'm crazy and they don't see how I do it. My only answer to that is one of the gift's that God gave me was strength. I've overcome so much in my life. God said do not fear, so I try hard not to. I pray for his wisdom and strength daily, so this is not something I've taken lightly. The cycle ends here or my marriage does. H is willing to do whatever it takes and my IL are supporting us. We also have a great church family. At the end of the day sin is sin.

You cant run away from comments that you dont like. You are staying in your marriage right??? So why run from someones personal opinion.

Anyhow, I myself forgave my 1st wife for what I believe was multiple affairs......I only had proof of the last one. Its not like Im saying to give up right off the bat, but multiple affairs and the other person in the marriage saying they are unhappy for over 10yrs straight was just more than I could bear. Also, my kids KNEW that my EX and I didnt love one another or respect one another. I hated to see tears running down their faces. Yes, Im remarried now and have a new addition to the family. My kids are always smiling now and I can see their teeth again.

Anyhow, sorry if you didnt care for my opinion. We all have our own, and if you chose to leave because of it.....there is nothing I can do.

God Bless.

Lost - It takes strenght to stay and strenght to leave, either way you have to be a strong person. If you stay, it takes strenght to not let the situation eat at you and change you into a negative bitter person. It also take strength to leave, confront, Plan A/Plan B because that means implementing changes, and change can be very scary and it takes strength to do that.

I have my own post on Just found out, of course, I keep it going because that is where some know to find me. Are latest topic is Hockey.

Startingover - you assumed that we don't treat each other with respect (except for the A, that is the most disrespectful thing he has done). Everyone thinks we have a great marriage, the kids are not upset and crying over the way their parents are. We don't fight or argue much. They don't know anything is wrong. My oldest is very sensitive, and does not handle change well, so we put him in counseling to help him with this.

Everyone does have their opinion, but everyone's story is different. The first A was in the beginning of our marriage and I can honestly say I was a lousy wife. I didn't make H decision, but I did push him away. The second one I was a new Christian and I had kicked him out for drinking etc. When I kicked him out he soon developed a PA with a co-worker. The sad thing is that he still came home to me and acted like nothing was going on. When everything was revealed it ended and I found out he said he was D. This time I suspected something, found a # on his cell phone and confronted H about it. He said it was a one night stand when he had been drinking. I called her and found out it didn't happen the weekend he was away. He had taken her # and called and visited out of state 3 times!!! She said they started to..., but she told him she couldn't. It's like he dates??? He's determined to get help and I have my IL's behind me. So at this point I'm giving it to God and praying that he finally surrenders. He is a good father and things had been going really well lately. I just don't understand?