My first post after discovering the site last night. I have read through all the articles, printed some off, read through some of the post here and just really wanted to get things off my chest. Hope this isn't too long.

Been married for almost 25 years, no children, live in UK. Marriage has not been perfect, we've argued but everyone does that and gets over it. I won't go into our marriage ins and outs, as that would take all night. Suffice to say that we were more like housemates these past 10-15 years. Not really sure who was at fault.

Anyway, over the past year husband has been involved in a project at work entailing trips to Poland/Ukraine and the group from there coming here. At the beginning of this year one of the Ukrainian women seemed to be enjoying his company (I went on a couple of the social occasions) and asked if she could contact him to practise her English. Bearing in mind that she is the translator on this project - her English should be fine! He mentioned this request to me, and I believe that he and I thought it innocent at first.

To cut a long story short, after he went over there on his own in April he started to behave strangely. Whereas he had left his mobile phone around on the stairs, table, etc. I noticed that it was always in his pocket. On a number of occasions when I walked into a room he would be texting. After a few weeks of this I asked if it was about the project and why she was troubling him when not at work. He said some of the texts were chit chat.

One morning in May I noticed the phone on the bed when he was in the shower so, trembling, I looked at the messages. The first and only one I saw was very intimate language - my dearest darling, who is more afraid of D [me], you or me? I was shaking so much I couldn't get to any other messages. That night I challenged him - is something going on? Not really, came the reply. He was flattered that I thought he would be attractive to someone. I said if he has nothing to hide could I see the texts and he said yes. But I made the fatal mistake of leaving the room during which time he had erased the messages, although he told me when I eventually asked for the phone, that he had cleared the messages that day.

Anyway, we have done lots of talking and I have done lots of crying. I have also been very ill - the stress brought on diarrhoea, a rash and what seems to be menopausal symptoms. I had to undergo a colonoscopy last week to rule out anything more sinister than IBS, but it does appear to be gone now as has the rash.

He has told her to stop sending the messages, but she does not appear to want to stop. When she next came with the group she got hold of his hand in pretence of warming it. The only reason he told me this was that someone we know saw them and he didn't want me to find out that way. Then, after reassuring me at the start that there would be no contact when the project ends, she asks if they can stay in contact and he tells her yes. When challenged, he said he'd forgotten that he said that. I was amazed that he would even have to remember anything - he should have just thought about my feelings and said no, unless he thought to do it behind my back. He has now told her that contact must stop once the project is over - I hope.

He says he loves me and wants to stay and get back on track - be better than before, and our love life has resumed after quite a break. He has explained some things about this 'affair' - that they haven't slept together, only kissed; that he had been mad at me for spending time on computer and neglecting other things.

After much more probing, it turns out that she had sent him an email which he took to indicate that she fancied him and he started to respond in a similar manner. The thing was, she was also sending this type of email and text to his boss, who didn't fall for it. I suspect she's up to something like wanting a UK passport, or some other favours that she thinks she can get from foreign academics.

As the project is still on until the end of the year, I have to contend with the fact that he has to keep in touch with her. I have been asking if she has stopped sending the familiar emails and he says she has, and I have been calming down a bit lately. However, I managed to get into his work email account the other day. I know I shouldn't have, and I don't think he ever dreamed that I would do this, but it was empty of any contact from her, except something in the deleted box about the current trip (he's over there now, but with colleagues). She starts the email MD [my darling?] explains about the pick up at the airport, and then ends with "I will be dreaming about you for 3 nights. LLLLLLLLL TTTTTTTTTT" The last meaning Love and her name begins with T.

I didn't stop shaking for an hour and when he called last night I owned up to what I'd done and asked for an explanation. He said she was still sending those mails but he wasn't responding in the same manner. He said he had told me they had stopped as he didn't want me to continue to get upset. He says he ignores them as he can't make her stop sending them. So, I hardly slept last night - just fuming that he couldn't be honest.

So, as I had her email, I decided to send her a little note! I don't know if they can get emails where they are but she'll have a shock when she sees it. If he can't bring himself to tell her to stop, then I will have to do it.

He doesn't know I've sent the email yet. If she gets it while he's there she'll doubtless run to him for support. My hope is that he won't give it. He's still fairly OK with me despite being angry about me hacking into the emails. And I 99.9% believe he's serious about our relationship.

Sorry for rambling on.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be under the circumstances.

It sounds to me like he is having an affair, and it has probably gone to a physical affair. Her messages sound very much like it.

I think I would expose them to their work places. Your husband seems to be lying to you. Also if you can contact her husband, please do that.

DH59, welcome to MB. Click on the link in my sig line and read.

Next as B said, expose to his workplace. He may have to quit his job if she continues to be part of this project. Get the book "Surviving An Affair". So sorry you have reason to be here. BTW, OW do not get scared by the BW so it won't do any good to email or contact her in anyway. It is up to your H to man up and if he is already sucked in, he may not.

Thanks for your replies. Not sure that it's what I wanted to hear, but I have to face up to it if he is still persisting in this thing. He keeps telling me I have nothing to fear from her and that it's over, but when I discover her still sending messages like that it's hard to believe. I don't think they've had any opportunity to be alone to sleep together, as there are always about 10-15 people involved and they all share rooms with same sex and have meetings and field trips - very involved. The only time they were alone (as far as I know) was the day he was flying back from his lone trip there. She was showing him around Krakov and they kissed - he said it was a romantic place, as if they just arrived there and the urge took hold, but things I've discovered since (by probing) indicates that this was just the outcome of all these intimate messages. I guess we have some more talking to do when he returns at the weekend.

I don't really know how often she was texting, as after my complaint that his message tone nearly gave me a heart attack it was so loud, instead of turning it down, he silenced it. As it was in his pocket, he would feel the vibration of a message, and when I wasn't there he would answer. When this affair was exposed, she did then start only to text about the project, but as it was still out of work hours, he got a new phone and left the other one at work. This, I think, was a bad move as I don't now know how often she's texting. His phone bills were astronomical, but he said that he wasn't replying to them any more. He would reply by email.

H has said that he would not go and live there, and he wouldn't want a child (a decision we made in our marriage) so it would be pointless to continue the affair. He has reasoned that he would not be able to take trips to see her while he was with me, so there is no mileage in continuing. I just think he enjoyed the attention and he's finding it hard to let go.

I've been planning my speech for when he gets back. I don't want to rant and rave, but I want him to tell me the truth. I've been laying in bed wondering whether he is genuine or whether he's misleading me. Does he not want it to end? Is it going to end when the project does, but he'll be sorry about it? Is he really serious about staying, or is he doing it out of some misguided loyalty, or it's the lesser of two evils?

He has said that he was unhappy with how we were and if it wasn't her it would have been someone else. I've tried to compensate for not being more attentive in the past, and he has tried to understand how I feel, and our relationship has improved greatly, but there's something not quite right.

We have taken a couple of trips, and had daytrips together, to try and get some mutual activity going, and we've even booked the hotel for our 25th anniversary in January.

As for contacting her husband, I don't have her address, or even know if he speaks English. She lives in the Ukraine and works in Poland. Her marriage is not good (she told that to my H and he mentioned it to me very early on, probably when they were just friendly) and they have a daughter. The project ends in December, and that will be the end of contact with the foreign team, so they won't be working together again. The difficulty is, I also work for the same boss, but in a different building - an outside business that he runs; H works for him in the university (boss is a lecturer there, H is researcher). The only family we have left is we each have a sister. I had thought of talking to mine (as I have been struggling with this on my own till now), but her marriage ended after an affair and she went to pieces so I don't really know how helpful she'll be. I am seeing her tonight so I may pluck up the courage. I suppose I could get the email of the Polish project organiser from H's emails. He's an English man married to a Polish woman. Perhaps I should tell him, ahead of the next visit in November.

I think, depending on the outcome of our chat, and unless he's truly remorseful and serious about ending it, I will have to tell someone, whether he likes it or not.

I will check out your link FF. I bought a book from Amazon - Surviving Infidelity - which was very good and I showed H some passages. He hugged me after reading it and I thought he really understood and was prepared to let go of this woman, but it appears he does not want to tell her to stop these messages, even though he's told me he's already done so.

I will let you know what happens at the weekend.

Getting closer to H's return and I'm really nervous about how to talk to him about this latest incident. I want to remain calm and focused and not accuse and yell, but I'm seething inside about this latest revelation.

We have been exchanging text messages (due to cost of calling on mobiles, and H having difficulty topping up over there), and he has been very encouraging and reassuring in his words. I think I believe that he's genuine, but I am just angry that she is still sending messages using this type of language. I asked if he has told her to stop sending these messages, and he said he had and that she is 'apologetic about her sense of humour and wrong use of English words and meanings'.

She apologised for her inapropriate language when he first told her that I'd found out and that their relationship was to cease, so if she knew it was inapropriate then, why has she continued? The thing that strikes me, though, is that this is not a misuse or misunderstanding of language - she knows what she's saying here and it's pure emotional language, as used between people who are very close.

I am considering the exposure option - maybe OW to the project leader in Poland asking him to remove her from the project, even though there's only one more visit over there required and it all ends completely in December. It's really bugging me that he has to be near to her again. I was a nervous wreck about this week, even before I found the email.

My question is: do I just do it or tell WS first, or is that like I'm threatening him?

I am also fearful of what backlash there may be from WS. Will he really hate me for it?

To change the subject - I am understanding some of the abbreviations, but is there a cheatsheet on the site with all the meanings? I am looking at some and taking some time to get them.

Expose, DO NOT TELL WH about it, Just Do It! He will hate you at first, but will get over it in a week or so.

Expose to his job, boss HR department everywhere and everyone!

Update:

I emailed the project leader in Poland and told him of my fears and asked to remover OW from project, even though there is very little of it left. He was very understanding, and aware that some eastern european women are likely to be trying to seduce Britons to get residency in this country. He said he would see what he could do, and is aware of OW's over-enthusiastic contact with people in order to get favours. These issues were my concern all along, but of course WS wouldn't hear of it and said I was being paranoid.

I had to get my sister over on Saturday I was in such a state. It was the first she knew of it, and she helped me a great deal.

So, I get the phone call to collect him from boss's house when they get back from the airport. We sat around talking for a while and then we left for home. I wasn't going to say anything in the car, but it's about an hour's journey and I wanted to know what was going on.

I tried to stay calm and mentioned, as I had done before, the fact that he could have put both our lives in danger by having unprotected sex, to see if that would elicit any confession. "I don't need an HIV test" he yelled, so I was to take that as meaning he hadn't slept with her.

I kept quiet for a while and then tried to ask further questions - what he thought I was thinking when I see all these signs, and he's simply giving me a good excuse for them and making me out to be untrusting, etc, and that I know unfaithful people are believable and plausible and I just want to be sure that all this is true, because nothing adds up. Then he dropped the bombshell that they had slept together. I drove on, I don't know how, having a heated conversation, until I started shaking uncontrollably and had to pull over.

WS drove home and we continued in a more relaxed tone. At home he was remorseful and visibly pained. I showed him the email I sent to the project leader and he decided there and then to email the OW and tell her it's over. I saw and approved what he sent. He had more or less told her while he was there that he was going to end it, but not in so many words. He says it is a relief that the pain and guilt is over and that he's hated seeing me ill through this.

So, we have to try and go forward and rebuild, which is what I want to do, making it how it should have been before this happened. It will be hard - the memories of the catalogue of lies, the image of them in bed, etc, etc. Just hope I have the strength to do it. This summer has taken its toll on me and I feel very weak and numb.

Only this morning I found out something very upsetting. When I first challenged him about this affair, the next morning I stated that I thought it would be a new start for us in this new house, and that we would get our marriage back to a more loving state (as it had been rather sour for some time). He hugged me and was upset himself and said he would stop the relationship straight away. That evening he told me he had texted her and she had rung straight back, saying how deeply she cared for him. I told him then, if he wants to go then he can, and he said that what I'd said that morning had affected him very deeply and he wanted to stay with me and make it work. The following week he was spending time with the project group when they came over from Poland/Ukraine and this entailed staying in a hotel with them. It was then that they first slept together, as he had a single room on that occasion. I have had a strange feeling all along that this is what happened, but I didn't want to come right out and accuse him - I suppose I really wanted to believe him. He said that the emotion he showed to me that morning was genuine and not a lie, but that everything else he's told me since was.

Thanks for producing this wonderful site. I will continue to reap the advice and help for some time, I think. Just wish I'd found you earlier.

DH,

The fact that he can lie to you shows mistrust. You have to remember that because even the good stuff c/b a lie. He can't even trust himself right now much less expect you to trust him.

Despite how you feel inside, I think you handled yourself quite well. Still you need support.

The project manager is correct to believe this OW would use whatever within her means to get connected with anyone so she can move to your country. Her H may even approve. How sad.

Exposure is powerful. Don't lose sight of that fact. As for your Xws, let's hope he stays that way. If not, you know what t/d. He needs to get tested and u 2 need to get with a good MC and work on a recovery plan. Perferable one familar with MB principals.

Call out to Bob Pure and see if he knows one in your area. Bob's a Brit 2. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

DH59, I am very sorry you are here, but just know you are in the right place. I want to alert you to the fact that these affairs often don't end easily and will take extraordinary precautions to really end. Is he willing to open up his life to you and become completely transparent? Are you willing to CEASE "owning up" to your snooping so you can protect yourself until he has reestablished trust?

A good way for him to reestablish trust is to give you all his passwords, etc so you can check for no contact yourself. Would he switch cell phones with you, for example?

I will post links to a couple of good articles and threads that might be helpful right now.

about withdrawal: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post2686313

How to Survive Infidelity: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

I think I've been lucky - I have a good husband (up until this episode), although in recent years I haven't really appreciated that fact, and, although I've been through all the advice elsewhere on the site, and printed off loads of information, I really feel that we are going to be OK.

He thought the NC email he sent was a bit brutal, but has agreed not to say anything further to her (other than project issues which has to be done), unless she tries to lure him back again, in which case he will say what he told me, that he no longer wants the lies and deceit - it was eating him up. He said he will let me know what she says.

He was in the process of trying to end it without me finding out the full details. She had, apparently, invited him to her room on one occasion when the group was over here, and he had refused, saying he had to get some work finished. He was going to let it fizzle out, stop all contact when the project ended, and then resume where we left off, which was certainly getting better than the previous few years had been. I just thought, stupidly, that I had ended it after finding the text messages, but it was only just starting!

DH, will he agree to completely IGNORE any continued contact from her? That is what will work most effectively to discourage her. If he responds, it will spell trouble. He should be blocking her emails and not taking her calls AT ALL. It is not enough for him to agree to tell you, the only thing that will suffice is completelyn blocking her out. Will he do that?

I think if you try to view this as you would an addiction, you will understand how important this is. An affair has very addictive qualities and it is easy to get drawn back in with a simple contact. This happens all the time so beware!

You have absolutely the RIGHT IDEA about his further participation in this project and exposure to the OW. Hopefully, he will not have to go or the OW will be booted from the project.

You are doing VERY GOOD!

Please check out the links I gave you when you have a chance.

Melody,

He will ignore her eventually, he has promised this, but contact has to be made as they are both key members of the project, H here and OW over there. He is strong and determined enough to resist, and distressed enough about the pain he's caused me, not to give in and I do believe him in this. As I say, he was determined to stop it before it went any further, and before I found out they'd slept together.

I checked out the links - they are excellent resources. I am going to suggest that we work through some of the plans and suggestions on this site - I hope he'll be receptive to working through them. We'll see what the boss says tomorrow re any further involvement in the project which entails contact with her. It ends at the beginning of December in any case so we don't have much more to endure.

Obviously I feel a bit of a fool having sent her the email, as it is patently clear now that H was telling me lies and he hadn't asked her to stop the intimate language. Having said that, he was on the way to pulling the plug - he just hadn't told her that.

DH, I am not trying to be a spoilsport here, but as long as they are still in contact, you can consider the affair to be active. Ignoring her will not suffice. That would be like sending an alcoholic into the bar every day, but calling his drinks "work drinks" and expecting him to sober up and withdraw. It just won't happen. Calling contact by some other term [perhaps "work contact] will not change what it really is. They will be free to do and say whatever they choose and you will be none the wiser. You will only have his WORD, the word of a wayward spouse about the nature of his contact. Any contact prevents withdrawal and puts him - and you - back to Day 1 of recovery. The affairees can never go backwards and become "coworkers" again once they have crossed the line into lovers.

So, please brace yourself for more of the affair until ALL CONTACT is ended. The withdrawl that is essential to recovery will not happen until ALL contact ends. EVery contact, no matter how mundane, is the equivalent of an alcholic taking another drink and that is how it should be viewed in order to fully comprehend the situation.

I must caution you about going by what he SAYS. He has told you before that contact would end and it didn't. The word of a WS is never to be trusted. As you have seen from previous experience, you cant go by what he SAYS, but must go by what he DOES. ACTIONS are the only thing that counts. Waywards make lots of grand promises, but very few of them actually come to fruitition until they are really ready to end the affair. So, go by his ACTIONS, not his words. His words are really meaningless.

DH, I am sorry to be such a downer, but it is important to understand that half measures in the contact department will yeild you nothing but a continued affair. I have been here for years and this is the one area that cannot endure corner cutting. Dr. Harley would tell you the same thing, and he has been doing this for 30 years.

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html


Mimi wrote: Check this out from the How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS..one of my favorite pieces of reading material...

p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

Melody,

I have read most of the articles on this site, and fully agree with what you are saying. I have mentioned this to WS, but he is a little reticent to do as you and Dr Harley are suggesting. That's not to say that he is still lying to me. I would suggest that some cases may be different. He is showing absolutely that he is giving it up. He has had a word with our boss and arrangements have been made for the next visit over there so that he does not have a lot of contact with her, and what there is will be with a large group and he will share a room with another (male) colleague.

What I will say is that I have been shown all the texts and emails she is sending - she has also replied to the one I sent her on Saturday night - and he wanted to send a better response to the short-and-to-the-point one he sent on Saturday night. I know it was wrong, but I have allowed this as he showed me what he was sending and I thought it OK. He said that this was the last and he would not respond to further messages. She has, as I thought, sent another mail in response, which he has forwarded to me, and says he is not responding. In this mail she is getting quite abusive and I think she may turn quite nasty. I think she is unstable, going on what I have seen and know of her (I met her early on in the year).

As it's been a few weeks since confession day, I thought I'd update on what's been happening.

We are slowly rebuilding our lives, but it is not plain sailing. OW cannot be taken off the project at this late stage, but H is trying to maintain contact only on project matters. However, she has been sending some rather sarcastic emails to him over the last couple of weeks, saying, in her broken English, that she does not know how she will get over this brutal knockdown, how he could have been so cruel, she's been used, and she is writing with tears in her eyes. She is assuming that I am forcing the issue and H is bowing to pressure from me to end the A, but in fact he was about to end it anyway, even if I had not found out the truth. H has sent her a message telling her that he is now thinking of me and rebuilding our marriage and that she is to send no more personal emails/texts. He did get one more email and a couple of texts, which he did not reply to, so I hope this is the end of it. I have been shown all the emails and texts that she has sent. H is determined that this is over and I do believe what he's saying.

H has to go to Poland later this month, which will be hard for me, but steps have been taken to prevent any more contact than necessary, as mentioned in my last post.

I am very tempted to send her a message to let her know the agony I have been through, and what I now have to come to terms with. Good idea, or not?

Tell him to inform her that if she sends any further "personal" emails of any kind, of anything other than project specifics, he'll forward them on to both his boss and hers, to their respective Human Resources departments, etc...and that he'll request their assistance in putting an end to her stalking.

THAT should put some scare into her.

I'm not sure H would consent to doing that. He wanted to send further NC emails which were better than the "brutal ending" one he sent in the first place, and which I agreed to, although he did show me what he was saying to her. I told him that however he'd phrased the message she would have reacted as she did, as she has a very unstable personality. Which is one reason why she fell for H - he gave her some confidence and attention that she hadn't had from other men, including her husband. H still likes her as a person, and I have met her and she is quite a nice person, and just likes contacting people in other countries to further her knowledge of the language.

My initial reaction is that she was after trapping a man for a passport over here, and I told her that in my original email to her (she is Ukrainian awaiting Polish citizenship). H doesn't think that, but I keep saying he hardly knows her really, and he wouldn't know whether he was being taken for a ride or not. The fact that she didn't have to do much chasing, as H was receptive to an affair due to our marriage problems, made it easier for her. Other people have also mentioned this possibility so it's not just me. The fact that she has defended this accusation several times is a little suspicious to me. Her last comment on this was, "...the idea of corresponding in English from time to time, which can be regarded as trying to steal the unsuspecting man for the sake of passport still doesn't give me piece and comfort.Such an accusation is so alien to me, that is still ruins me from inside and interferes my life." This was about the 4th or 5th time she's tried to defend this accusation.

Anyway, there have been no more personal or sarcastic messages since the other day, so maybe she's got the message. I would still like to contact her myself though. Perhaps I should let sleeping dogs lie. She has already accused me of threatening her, even though I only sent her the one email asking her to stop sending personal stuff to H, and that was before I discovered they'd slept together.

So, we are trying to move on, and I am finding this very difficult. I keep dwelling on the events of the past few months, and bringing things up that H wants to put aside as it's all been said before. I feel I'm dragging things out unreasonably and making H feel guilty, which I'm not doing on purpose - I just feel totally out of my depth here.

I don't feel that H will be willing to follow any sort of outside plan, and I'm reluctant to push pieces of paper under his nose. He was later annoyed that he sent the NC email using the advice on MB, even though it was him that wanted to send an 'it's over' message at that time, I didn't force him to do it, and I simply thought I was helping him to word it as he was lost as to what to say. He didn't word it exactly as recommended, so he later thought it sounded brutal, hence the further 'softening the blow' email, which I saw before it was sent.

He's always been resilient in sorting out problems and is very pragmatic in nature. Say your piece and then get on with it - no grudges, nothing. So he is, in effect, over the affair - he made his choice to end it, is happy with that decision, and now we get on with repairing our marriage. I can see he's serious and that he is happy to make things work between us. This makes me feel as if we should treat this as if we've just had an argument and need to quickly make amends and get over it.

I, on the other hand, am a deep thinker and tend to over-analyse things and go off on tangents. Bad habit, I know, but I am torn as to what direction this should take. Is this a plan that can work, as long as I can stop mulling over things?