My W (WS) has been dishonest about what happened during the A. She originally told me they met 3 times. She later tells me they had a hotels minutes from our home to be together longer. She gives me the name of the hotel, I pose as the OM and call the hotel, I find out he has been there 6 times and I know they were in another hotel closer to her work atleast once.

To me this is about her not coming clean and being honest which we need for the future.

To W this is about me dwelling on the past an not concentrating on the future.

Please tell me if I am wrong in verifying information she gives me? Or that I should move on. I understand this changes nothing, the affair still happened. To me this is about honesty....

lostncrazy...

it's a dance of human nature...

all of us almost always tell the little of the bad of first...test the waters...see how the other reacts to the not so bad..holding on to the 'bad'....

you must try to control your response....

the long term goal is a creation of an environment in which you can share the bad...and experience the pain together...

your reaction plays a great role in how she will divulge....

be grateful for the truth...
be reassuring that the truth hurts but it truly does set you free....

show concern for her soul in the hanging of being an honest person vs a dishonest person....

how did/do you respond...
what can/could you change about it..(if anything)
ark

You ar enot wrong in verifying her information. She has to prove herself trustworthy after what she did.

You have a responsibility to make her feel safe to tell you what she believes are painful truths.

She has the responsibility then to answer truthfully what you ask.

All FWS manipulats the BS by saying that processing teh affair is negative or looking backward or whatever. Fact is if you need to reveuew every moment of her affair every day for a year thats your perogative.

Try her with this Trueheart's letter ,or at least tell her this information:

To my Darling W

I suspect you are still feeling the pain of guilt and confusion.
Maybe you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away.
I can even believe that you truly love me and that your affair hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me.
I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your affair, everything that happened between you and him in bed, and everything that happened afterwards.

I understand.
No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly.
No one wants to be forced to 'look' at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again.
I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he doesn’t mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue?
I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn’t she know by now that I love him ?
I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be.

But for the remainder of this letter I’m going to ask you to view My REALITY through My Eyes.

You were there.
There is NO Detail left out from your point of view.
Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the "whole" picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning.

You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings & How.

Thankfully, You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge.
You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled.

Should you have any doubts, then at least you’re carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question.
You carry all the 'STUFF' to figure out OUR reality.
There isn’t really any information, knowledge or pieces to the puzzle that YOU don’t have.
Indeed, You have the advantage of seeing things from every side and every angle.

Now let’s enter MY Reality:
Let’s both agree that this affects our lives equally.
The outcome no matter what it is, will affect us both.
Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to ME as it is to You.

So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark???
Do I not deserve to know as much about the events that nearly destroyed our life together as you do??

I deserve to be given the OPPORTUNITY to understand what nearly brought our relationship down.
To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is Unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever 'feel' complete.

You have given me a puzzle.
It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing.
You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box.
You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you.
You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are.

When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don’t worry about it, it’s not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don’t worry about it, it’s not important.
When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what’s the difference, it’s not important.

Then later when I’m expected to understand the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion.
You Expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you.

When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it.
You wonder why I cant just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to FEEL the same way you feel about it.

So, you want me to be okay with everything.
You think you deserve to Know and I deserve to Wonder.
You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and perhaps wish it never happened.

But how can I know that?
Faith?
Because you told me so?
Would you have faith if the tables were turned?

Don’t You Understand that I want to believe you Completely??

But how can I?
I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart.
I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

So, there it is, as best as I can put it.
That is why I ask questions.
That is where my need to know is derived from.

And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past.
My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together.
It doesn’t come from jealousy, it doesn’t come from spitefulness, and it doesn’t come from a desire to make you suffer.
It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this?
Wouldn’t it be easier for me to walk away?
Wouldn’t it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons?

Of course it would, but I can’t and the reason I can’t is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world.

LnC:

Could it have been that the OM was meeting someone else there? Not just your spouse? Just to flip your WS world upside down a little. Let her know that you know about 12 encounters, not 6. Give her the dates of the 6 she knows about and make up the rest. Make sure the other dates are days you know where she was and not with OM. Just me being nasty.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />.

Transparency is key here. As you dig and discover other information that contradicts the information that she has provided, your world tilts a little further. What else happened? Many men have the desire to know more about the physical acts and the where and hows. Many BS who are women do not want all the details.

My BS wanted alot of details. I gave her those, plus she knew that she could ask at anytime, any question, and I would answer. She doesn't have to ask much now. But also, I knew that it was safe for me to answer fully, no DJ or AO for something I may have told her. But I came clean on D-Day. You are still seeking this. Create the environment so she is safe in explaining what happened to you.