I wanted to announce to the world that I AM AN INFIDEL! I have destroyed my family (husband & kids), they didn’t deserve this. I have committed a terrible crime against my family. I have heard that if you admit to your sins then healing can begin. I feel like I should wear a scarlet letter to let people know what caliber (weak) person that I am. I have apologized to my family many times and will continue to do so forever. My family (husband & kids) are great to accept me back into the family with all of my faults. I have asked my husband to help me stay on the straight and narrow. He has done all of the heavy lifting for the family and I have done none. I have promised to do the work for the family. I have a problem with follow through. My husband is skeptical, which is understandable; hopefully they will see my commitment to them (husband & kids). We have some good days and ugly ones; I understand that this is normal in recovery. I don’t know if we are rally in recovery or not. I guess my husband will be that judge of that.

I just wanted to get a thread started to get back into the website.

Eagle2-

OK...the real question remains...ARE you an infidel, or WERE you an infidel?

What is your true and honest status with NC at this time? When was the last contact?

What's the status on your honesty and openness with your husband and family right now?

Admitting to the problem is the first step. Admitting to the whole, current scope of it is a huge part of that. We knew where you WERE...where are you RIGHT NOW?

And the next part is...where do you want to be, and how do you plan on getting there?

Eagle15too- you are Eagle15's WW? I am a FWW (as Owl points out, that is an important distinction, one that must be earned).

Your BH has been a ray of light in helping me understand what a BH goes through.

You need to absolutely work on the follow-through- a problem for me too sometimes. We will help eachother.

It is a gift that he will work on the marriage with you- my BH says it is all me and he will just sit back and look at how I'm doing. That is hard. SO decide if it's worth it (it is, but you have to decide for yourself). You are blessed, and you will have to work within yourself to make yourself a better, stronger person and to make a wonderful person for you and Eagle15 and all the little Eaglets.

Hey, MrsE, great to see you here again.

"I feel like I should wear a scarlet letter to let people know what caliber (weak) person that I am."

I saw this and wondered why you are confusing your choices with your existence...you are not a weak person...you have acted from weak feelings and beliefs.

MrE loves you for your essence...for who you really are, all of you. Not for what you did or do. Can you see how bashing yourself did not stop you from choosing to cheat or destroy? Would you consider not bashing yourself...on the truth that what you permit yourself to do to you, you will do to others?

If you practice radical honesty with your partner, you will be radically honest with yourself...the more you accept yourself, the more you accept others...use this true justice God designed in the world in your life...for forgiveness (if you don't forgive yourself, you will not forgive the justifications you have against MrE...

Please get to your highest honesty and post from there...and you will personally recover and maritally recover...true healing. We're here to love and support you as you truly are...though we may not support what you are doing, 'k?

Welcome back.

LA

All,

I told the whole story of my affair, my husband knows all now. I feel better and hope that this will let us move forward.

Owl,

On the status of infidel, I was recently called this and thought it was appropriate. I have been on the straight and narrow for a long time. There has been NC since Mar. I'm working on making my family stronger by using the MB tools.

MrsRob,

I am Eagle15's wife, whether it's FWW or WW depends on him. In my opinion it's FWW. Thank you for your pledge or help.

I must go so, that I can continue with my follow through.

Have a good day.

Eagle2-

You're avoiding the questions. ARE you an infidel, or WERE you an infidel?


What's the status on your honesty and openness with your husband and family right now?

Admitting to the problem is the first step. Admitting to the whole, current scope of it is a huge part of that. We knew where you WERE...where are you RIGHT NOW?

And the next part is...where do you want to be, and how do you plan on getting there?

WW vs FWW isn't based on your H's perception...it's based on what you are DOING right now.

So...what is your status on what you are doing...now? Don't dodge the questions...they're pretty up front.

And realize I'm not 'after you'...but in order to do anything to help you or Eagle, everyone here needs to know what's going on.

Eagle2,

Listen to Owl. The WW or FWW is really YOUR call and it is based on your thinking and your actions. You control a lot more of this than you realize. I used the word "control" rather than "own" which is a different issue.

I cannot speak for your H, but given how long he has been here, and how much he has posted, and yes even fessing up to his failures, I think you have reason to believe that your marriage can become something you BOTH enjoy, draw strength from, and value highly. It will be tough, but the door seems to be open, you control whether you walk through it or not.

Eagle will have to do his part as well. But, YOU control your decisions.

Good luck and God Bless,

JL

Just my opinion, but I don't sense an honest committment here.

I think Mrs Eagle is going through the motions. She may not be doing the actions of a WW....but she's not 100% in this marriage either.

She very well may have ended the affair....but I don't sense true remorse, reconciliation, or recovery here.

MrsEagle -- you need to heal. I think you're hurting tremendously.

Lexxxy- I'm not sure if your a FWW or a BW, but of course she's hurting tremendously.

It's the crappiest foggiest thing ever. First you're hurting becasue you had to do NC. With someone who "makes you feel so good and I miss so much..." Then you start thinking about how bad you feel about yourself and your actions, you have a serious pity party for yourself and woe is me...I've lost OM and will BH want me and how will I know and our marriage sucked before and it will just keep on sucking and what am I supposed to do....I have to change but BH doesn't? Dang, he had as much to do with my A as I did, if it weren't for him not doing x y z, I would never have done what I did...justify justify justify....to the realization that there IS NO JUSTIFICATION and how could I have done this? No matter what BH did I can't believe I hurt my husband and kids and myself and what was I thinking, can he ever forgive me, can I ever forgive myself, will we ever recover, what was wrong with me in the first place to make me do this....

Girl, you just need to commit and not whine and say "wo is me, I have to do this." You need to decide what is worth it and then DO IT. Yep, hard, and I'm speaking to myself as much as you.....I'm a FWW too, remember.

We have lots of capacity for forgiveness and change, ever single one of us. You can do it.

Mrs. Eagle is only at the beginning of that curve. Maybe has agreed to stay. Maybe has stopped contacting OM (It seems like BH found contant more recently than March tho....)

She's made the commitment to be with her family...but she's not happy or enthusiastic about it. And she's big time feelig sorry for herself. Maybe its a strategy to make her husband give up. Then it won't be her destroying the family -- it will be his choice. She'll just go through the motions but never really participate in the marriage....

Now her husbands posts I had to stop reading cuz it just got on my nerves. The whole situation makes me cringe...
He's controlling/She's cowering. She's withdrawn/He's desperate.....its a scary dance they have going....

She's made the commitment to be with her family...but she's not happy or enthusiastic about it. And she's big time feelig sorry for herself. Maybe its a strategy to make her husband give up. Then it won't be her destroying the family -- it will be his choice. She'll just go through the motions but never really participate in the marriage....

Now her husbands posts I had to stop reading cuz it just got on my nerves. The whole situation makes me cringe...
He's controlling/She's cowering. She's withdrawn/He's desperate.....its a scary dance they have going....


And your disrespectful judgments here are helpful to Mrs & Mrs Eagle because.....how exactly ?

The affair is over and there has been NC since March. I am a FWW and husband also has it on his posts. I am not just going through the motions. I'm am diligently working on my follow through (reading & on MB site). I am on the straight and narrow and want to make my family stronger and better.

This past weekend was anniversary of D-day, it was a good family weekend and a good just couple day on Monday.

Have a good day all.

Can you share what you chose to do to express your acknowledgement of Eagle's pain? To share with other FWW ideas on how to acknowledge, be present and supportive?

The NC part...any information about OP is detrimental...did you hear anything about him since March from others? Inquire after him?

Would you share some of the things you've discovered in yourself that you didn't know before the A?

LA

LA,

I apologized to h for everything about affair. I denounced OM and friends as bad , ugly people. Primarily I asked him what he need to show that affair was over and did it. I put all efforts into h and focus on him only. I use the MB principles for him (4 rules-care, protection,time, honestly). I comfort him when hurting/trigger. Counseling with MB has helped too.

NC--no inquiries from me , heard nothing about OM. No one (OM/friends) has accces to ne as far as phone numbers of e-mail.

I have discovered that I am a weak/selfish person and need to focus on my h & family. I'm definitely focused on h & and family now & always. I will work on myself to try and make myself a better wife and mom to them.

It is the FWW's that REALLY turn around that I have much respect for.

Keep up the good work and be one of those that says "recovered and thankful for our M". May God bless your efforts.

Thank you for responding, MrsE...

When I asked what you learned...you said that you are a weak and selfish person. That's why you chose to have an affair? Are you saying you were that person and aren't that now?

You apologized for what you did, the choices you made. That's half of amends...which is tough to do and very healthy for you. How did you feel when you did that? The other half is committing to not making those choices again. I believe you won't. I believe you feel great pain...before, during and after the A. Do you?

Do you believe OM and friends who aided you in attacking your marriage were harmful? Is that your honest opinion? That they owned their choices, as well, and that they were harmful to you, your H and your children?

How do you feel about using the four rules of marriage? Do you feel you choosing to put your effort and focus on the marriage has benefited you? How do you feel about your own needs being met? Could you list them as you know them now?

I hear you're finishing HNHN...and I wanted to thank you for that. See, many FWS won't do that...and you did. Was there anything in it that surprised or resonated within you?

Would you consider picking up "Getting the love you want" by Harville Hendrix? It's shorter.

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I say that because he writes as well as Harley does...and much of it complements MB principles. I just finished it and we are going to do the exercises, which is exciting for me.

What about MrE? Do you perceive him as your friend now? That you're in the marriage together? Has he changed in your perception?

My DH didn't denounce OW...didn't see her as bad or ugly. He took full blame and responsibilty...and we're not two years past DDay...and a month ago, he got really angry and said, "I felt really angry at OW today. Just came into my head and I heard what she said, how she lied and what she did. I'm really angry with her." I listened and repeated; thanked him for sharing (he fears his own anger terribly).

Good to know. Great to know. Takes time to get we know what we feel and where it is coming from.

Please keep posting. What you share helps others, helps yourself. That's been my experience. I don't post to preach; I post to share and learn more myself.

LA