Hi, I'm new but I've been lurking for the past two weeks. I can honestly say that this message board may be saving my marriage. When I found it I forwarded it to my WH. He saw immediatly his "pattern" and it scared him and made him questions his feelings toward the OW. However, he is so deep in his addiction he is unable to break it. After an agonizing two weeks he has said he will move back in and try to work on things. He wants NC but is not able to achieve it yet. He is currently out of town on business which is good because they work 30 feet apart in the same office.

When we talk he says he is in love with her and she is his "soul mate". But he says I have some type of hold over him and he is not able to take that final step toward her even though he has been working toward getting her for 2 years. I did not see any of this coming and was blindsided in June when he said he "was doing me a disservice because he was not in love with me anymore." We went to MC for 8 weeks but now he tells me he did not open up because he did not feel comfortable with the MC. I actually believed he was just having some type of midlife crisis and that things were better between us. The EA affair started back up in August or September and became PA on the night I found out the EA was ongoing and stupidly kicked him out of the house.

Now he says he will come back but I'm not sure that this is a good idea. I know living with his buddies in a bachelor pad affords him the freedom to continue the PA. But is forcing the end of the affair before it has burnt out a good idea? For some reason I feel like the affair has not burnt itself out. Can our recovery be successful if the affair has not run its course? I know the withdrawl will be terrible as I talk to him every day while he is on this trip and just not being in her physical prescence but still talking to her on the phone is totally messing with his mind. If he moves back in with me do I Plan A thru withdrawl? Do we share the same bed?

When I exposed the affair to his family and a few coworkers, I also wrote her an email talking about my marriage and children and my love for my WS. I wrote in that letter and have said to my WS that we cannot begin to see if we can work if the OW is in the picture. That we should be able to succeed or fail on our own. The secret fear I have in my heart is that he has asked her to wait, because if its "true love" then three months or so won't matter to them. So he comes back to me gives it the last hurrah so I will see that its over, all the while knowing she is waiting in the wings.

I'm not sure how to proceed and I know he is reading these boards as intensly as I am so he may see this post. All advice to both of us is appreciated. God Bless everyone who takes the time to read and respond. Thanks!

Welcome to MarriageBuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances.

The affair will never last. Your husband may think the affair will be one of the less than 1% that does last, but it is extremely doubtful. And those that do last have problems because both partners know that they cannot trust the other to honor their vows.

Your husband probably thinks that she is a wonderful woman. But good women don't interfere in other woman's marriages.

Have you exposed the affair to the HR department at their work? One of them needs to find another job.

To Panic and Mr. Panic - Welcome to MB. You have come to the right place if you want to save your marriage.

But you are right, Panic - there is NO hope of saving anything as long as your husband's girlfriend remains in the picture in any way, shape or form. People always think their case is different and special but we can tell you that it NEVER works. That's because marriage is between two people - not three.

And as you have learned, marriage counseling is a waste of time and money as long as the OP (Other Person) is still around.

Mr. Panic, would you like to start your own thread? Folks here would be glad to talk to you.

For Panic - Here is some very good advice from another poster regarding Plan A:

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"The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A" by Pepperband

THE CARROT OF PLAN A:

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stopping lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



THE STICK OF PLAN A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Allowing the consequences of adultery and infidelity to fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to affect children of the marriage or the financial security of the marriage, or otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slain for the good of the family.

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Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think you will be wasting your time attempting recovery if they work in the same office. Sounds like OW is not married?

Don't beat yourself up for kicking him out of the house. It is a very natural reaction to NOT want an unfaithful spouse under the same roof upon discovery.

Take care. TT

Thanks so much for the responses. The funny part is they both work for my family's business. My Dad and Uncle are the bosses. My Dad approached the HR department without my knowledge and was basically told there is nothing that can be done legally. More then 500 people work there now but almost 100 of those are either related to me or have watched me grow up. Some where even at my wedding to my WH. The sad part is my WH will probably have to be the one to find a new job. Never does being the bosses daughter pay off.

Some background I suppose would be helpful here too. We have been together 14 years married 11. He gave up a very successful Military carreer to move back to my home town for various reasons mostly involving the kids. His new job is not as fulfilling as his former carrer. He began having feelings for OW 2 years ago and spoke to her about it in June. She said he was married but when alerted to his feelings became persistant. We have to young children and finally were starting to get to a point in our lives where financially we werent a wreck. Things were finally going our way...

He wants to move back tomorrow but I'm not sure its the right idea. Can NC be a condition of moving back?

Yes. If she won't go, then yes, he will have to do this.


Absolutely. Unless you want three people in your marriage, it MUST be a condition for him to move back.

Has he written her a NC letter that he gave to YOU to read and to mail out yourself? (That way, you know what was really said and that it was really mailed.)

Has he made himself perfectly transparent to you? Given you the passwords to his voice mail, email, cell phones, carrier pigeons, owls, everything? This is vitally important. There cannot be any more secrets between you.

One of them must find another job. As long as they work together, the attachment between them is still there. Your marriage has no hope as long as it is.
Mulan

I decided to leave with the kids to my mothers for the night since he was planning on coming "home" from his business trip. I left him a note telling him that I did not think it was a good idea for him to move back until he would commit to NC. I've expressed to him that its fine to quit work on Monday, we have the finances to last a month or two while he looks for a new job. I also said if he could not manage NC yet that was okay and he should have the time and the space to "think" at his friends apartment.

By doing this am I just opening up the door for him to have more freedom to be with her? He says he told her that he was coming back but that they still "chat".

The thing I've wanted and prayed for these last two weeks is for him to come home and now I have this feeling like it is not the right move....

What do I do? This is all coming to a head in the next 10 hours....

Panic:

Welcome to MB. Two weeks into MB land and you already feel it saved your M. I knew that in about 4 days! You can recover this M.

Now, to address some of the issues in your original post:

"he is in love with her and she is his "soul mate". But he says I have some type of hold over him and he is not able to take that final step toward her"

Your hold over him is the ring on his finger. Also, she isn't as good as you are. I had a 4.5 LTPA and knew I could never leave my BS for the OW. So, you are in the drivers seat!

Now:

But is forcing the end of the affair before it has burnt out a good idea?

Certainly. The faster it starts to burn up, the sooner it is gone. Now that it has been revealed, alot of the danger and appeal of it is gone.

About this:
The secret fear I have in my heart is that he has asked her to wait, because if its "true love" then three months or so won't matter to them. So he comes back to me gives it the last hurrah so I will see that its over, all the while knowing she is waiting in the wings.

Guess what, my BS has the same fear. I did not make the OW a promise. She hopes that one day I will call her up. That is what NC is all about. It is difficult to continue an A when you are not able to contact the OP. There was something wrong in the past with your M, and your H pursued another women to have an A. The deal is now, you have to begin changing the habits and behaviors that contributed to a M that made an A possible. Obviously, the WS will have to change as well, but you are here! We can not help him unless he starts to post.

Now I want to address your most recent post:

My Dad and Uncle are the bosses. My Dad approached the HR department without my knowledge and was basically told there is nothing that can be done legally.

OH NO! I would suggest that your DAD and Uncle revist this, and hire a new HR department!!! Brits Brat will post on this site sometimes and is an HR lawyer and she can tell you that OW could sue the company for [email]s@xual[/email] harrassment if something happens to her, or she feels that something may happen. I would kick the situation out to an attorney who specialzes in this anyway. Since your H is a son-in-law, it would make the OW case much stronger. Also, which side is YOUR FATHER on?

This may have given him some reason for seeking the entitlement of an A:
His new job is not as fulfilling as his former carrer. Plus, he works for his FIL! This is an aside, we can work on the issues later...

Get HNHN and SAA. It will jumpstart your recovery.

I agree that you should let your H come back home. NC is a must.

PA:

We cross posted.

You stated earlier that your WS had been to this site? If he has been then you can use the info here to begin a dialogue with him.

He can no longer "CHAT" I wish I could with my OW. If I did, I would end back up in the A. You need to start meeting HIS EN's during the Plan A you are about to start.

I would not go to your Mothers with the kids, show him what he is about to lose.

Also, never give the inch to a WS "I also said if he could not manage NC yet that was okay" they can take a mile... Be strong!