My wife of 4 years and I are on the comeback trail. She recently (2 months ago) ended a short term EA with a client of hers from work. She has committed and by all accounts kept to NC for over a month now. The preverbeal Fog has really begun to lessen and she has made an effort to work on our marriage once again. I too have had to battle through this and have learned a lot about myself, her and out relationship that will in time make us stronger than ever.

However I am still haunted by thoughts of her with another man, although that has lessened some. I never found out any info on the OM because we dont have any mutual friends that I know of. The only info I have on him is a first name and cell #. I tried a search on his # months ago but got very little additional info. So, is it important for me to find out who he is or to just leave it alone. I know what many will say that I cant be sure things are over but I have assurances that she owns what has happened and is working to get past it. She would probably tell me if I really pressed it but I feel that every time I bring him up it just keeps the triggers there for her and gives me more images to digest.

Any advice from experience?

Is it important in her recovery to tell me his name and more info about him?

She has told me all info. about their level of relationship, communication, etc. but not specifics about him.
I admit, my male ego is highly involved in wanting to know how I stack up against this dude. That has hit me hard.

Thanks in advance

Depends on how obsessive your tendencies.

IMO,

Find out all you can about OP. You never know when you might need the intel down the road.

Not to the point of stalking him, though.

One step in earning the F on FWS is Radical Honesty. She should be answering every question completely and truthfully. She should be volunteering this kind of info up front if she thinks you need it to heal.

But, for many FWS, withdrawal may need to progress further before she gets this.

At the least, you should know right now exactly who he is.

With prayers,

I know that I wouldnt do anything stupid or harmful with the intel of who he is. I guess just knowing what he does, what he looks like and what could have beeen so appealing to my wife is what bugs me.

I know so many people say that people A down but I'm not so sure in this case. My wife is stunningly beautiful and I am not just saying that. I know she gets hit on all the time (walking in public places with her is always interesting / getting service in a place of business has never been a problem) and I guess it never botherd me till now. She never gave me any reason to doubt her before this. In fact, I always felt that her ability to reject gaukers and flirtatious advances was one of her greatest strengths. We dont go to popular places and busy events because she hates the feeling of guys sizeing her up. She doesnt dress inapropriate or revealing in any way. She even made it a point to always remind me of putting up boundries in my friendly personality to not give cross signals. So, it feels like she finally had someone give her reason to not say no.

Wow, I just read my own words and cant believe how insecure I sound. Its amazing how much of a blow to ones self esteem can come from being a BS. This is why I am not for certain Knowing who this OM is would be good information for me. I realize being naive about possibilities is risky but I know she loves me and wants to restore our relationship and that I havent forced her to do so.

Obsessions cut both ways.

Know all there is to know about OM and dwell on it to distraction.

Know little about OM and dwell on it to distraction.

This is where the personal improvements of Plan A can play a big part in your healing.

Start improving yourself. Rediscover your good qualities, whatever and however minor. You will like yourself eventually. But you have to do the work.

I didn’t think I would ever like me again. But, surprise the crap out of me, I do.

And OM in my sitch is quite the dude. Handsome, wealthy, stud in bed, steely-eyed fighter pilot - genuine man candy.

I now like me better than most people like him (after they actually get to know him).

But it took me a couple of years, a lot of study and hard work.

I no longer feel a need to dwell on his qualities, or lack of. And I don’t.

With prayers,

And don't obsess about obsessing about this stuff either.

That you are having a hard time deciding what to learn about him and how to go about learning it is normal.

Write down what you know and what you want to know about OM (and the A itself, for that matter).

Prioritize it and think about what is involved in each item.

Gather what intel for each item you can by your own methods.

Then when it seems appropriate ask your W the same questions. Maybe not all at once. Maybe only the ones that are still important to you.

In the spirit of Radical Honesty tell her why you need to know.

See how the answers compare. It will be an interesting study in the psychology of addictive A behavior if nothing else.

You will discover he is not the 10 ft stud you fear. She will discover much the same.

With prayers,

“I used to think I was indecisive, but now I am not sure.”

That is a very valid question. I think asking your W is the key, but dont play 20-questions with her, ask her why, specifically, she was so vunerable at that time. I'd guess it was more about her mind-set than his attractiveness. You're barking up the wrong tree if you keep focusion on him. It's a very common distraction for BS's, but it's not helpful.

It's not that he was irrestible, it's that she was vunerable. It's never about the OP... really.

AND, if you keep the conversation about her, she'll probably be more open than if she thinks you're just looking for the goods on him.

Good luck to you and please take care - Dru

So Aphelion or anyone else reading along,
I know my wife would tell me his info if I pressed her, reluctantly. But in doing so I dont know how to come accross as being anything but senseless & foolishly jealous. I asked her early on and she said that she didnt want to tell me what I didnt need to know. At the time I just didnt want to fight with her about it and tried to do silant recon but to no avail. I know of a friend of hers that doesnt know about the EA but knows who the OM is. And if I ever needed the info it I could ask her. In doing so I would be revealing the ugly situation to someone my wife has a frienship with. I want to protect my wife from a reputation that would follow if the lights were turned on. Only her mom and a couple we have had counseling with know of the A.

So, back to the original ??:
Should I ask my wife for the info and insist she tell me or involve an innocent third party?

Thanks for the advice Drucilla...so true.

I am owning my neglect for her that let this ugly situation take place. I put lowering my Golf handicap above our relationship and now I hate the thought of swinging a club.

“So, back to the original ??: Should I ask my wife for the info and insist she tell me or involve an innocent third party?”

And I am telling you that’s not the most important question to start with. Drucilla is telling you this also.

The question is much more fundamental and is about you, not OM.

What do you need to know about the A, and why do you need to know it?

Take your time and sort that out first.

The rest, the mechanics of what to do about it, will then be realtively easy.


However, so that you don't think I am blowing you off:

IMO,

Do not involve the third party unless exposure is still relevant (as in broken NC.)

Write down what you need to know and why (the first question again) and give it to your W. Give her time to digest it (like a half hour or so, not days) and then have a talk about it all. (Set this talk up in advance, BTW - don't blindside her.)


Again, I detect fundamentally ambiguous motivations. You are not sure if you want to know more about OM and that it is somehow wrong of you to want to.

It's not.

But you have to be careful - of yourself and of your W.