I'm in major bind today. W and I have been recovering for several months now and seemingly doing better and better though we do not discuss the past, it is behind us as recommended by the counsellor.

During the first EA, a friend of my W sent her an email basically giving her the perfect opportunity to cheat on me. She emailed her the phone number of a guy who was interested, was a contractor who she could hire to do some work in the house. At the time my W actually showed the email to me and laughed it off. I did not know that my W was unhappy at the time and though it was odd, I laughed it off too. Since then a lot has happened including the discovery of two EAs. My W knows how I feel about this friend now. Fortunately she was not a close friend and my W and her basically have minimal contact.

A friend of mine is having a party tomorrow night for a few couples that W and I have been *really* looking forward to for a couple of weeks (bought costumes, etc). Well, my W invited one of her other friends, who has now invited the "bad" friend.

When my W called to tell me that this person is coming to the party I said that in that case I didn't want to go. W is very upset now. Last night she said a lot of disrespectful things and threw a couple things basically throwing a fit that I feel this way. She is afraid of the embarassment of having to back out of the party (which would mean her two friends wouldn't probably go either). The only way to "save face" is for us to go and for me to "act like an adult". Later she also said a lot of things like its too hard to be perfect all the time, she has to try too hard, she wants to get away, etc. I can see she's trying hard and complimented her a lot on all of her efforts (I'm working hard too! thought it was working great!)

So, anyone have advice for me? What would you do? Seems like she took 20 steps backward in the space of 10 minutes last night. I really don't want to socialize with this person, I would rather never see them again in my life. I fell humiliated enough around W's best friend who was her confidant all through the EA stuff.

I would go to the party.

I would explain to the FWW how hard it is but you want to make her happy. I would also explain to her that if in the future she could let the friend that invited the bad friend know that you would rather not be around the bad friend.

Your FWW did not invite her but she is right that she cannot control what others do.

I know where you are coming from. I dont' talk to any of her friends and a lot of her family for the same reason.

But if being around them is out of my FWW's control there is nothing I can do.

The best revenge is going to the party with the W and having a great time in front of someone that tried to help tear you apart. What a jerk she will probably feel like.

I am glad things are going well for you.

I would say go and be sure W stays away from the traitorous friend. My FWW's best friend throughout her A is now NC for the whole family. Until I made my feelings towards this friend known and put my foot down about NC FWW was foggy, as soon as NC started in earnest she seemed to clear up and comeout of the fog. We now have nothing to do with anyone in Oklahoma City, PERIOD!

Your choice, but I feel friends who aided and abetted the A should be treated same as OP, NC all the way. There is a reason the Harley's refer to them as "Not friends of the Marriage" and promote only keeping people who ARE friends of the marriage around.

No way would I go. And if my "FWW" had the attitude that my protection was not ultimate in her heart and mind, there is obviously a lot longer road to get to "former" than you realize. Adultery is a whole lot more than a joining of sexual organs, it is the loss of respect for our partners emotional, personal and psychological protection.

IMO this is a critical boundary for ALL BS's to demand.

I would not go to any event where this woman would be... until I got a sincere and profound apology for her actions. Your W has to put you first and if she wants to have a two year old's tantrum that says a lot about her feelings for you and your M.

I felt the way you do Cy. It was alarming to me that she wasn't concerned about ME more than how we might look for backing out of this party.

However, she has been taking a LOT of steps to protect us on her own without me asking. Dunno, I'm on the fence about this. Since she's been treating me so well, I'm tempted to give in and go.

nomal,

May I ask if one of the steps your FWW has taken is exemplified by mutual friends and family approaching with statements of contrition she made to them not in your presence?

In other words, has she admitted to others that this is what I did and I am so sorry that I hurt my husband?

That would be akin to falling on my sword and would indicate a huge step in the recovery process.

Normalguy,

Ok, you cannot control who is invited but you can control if you go or not. Given this late date, I would be inclined to go to this one, but with the understanding that you don't want to be around this woman. Further, your W needs to hear what you said to us...you feel humiliated about these EA's and several of her "friends" played an active role in this humiliation. The question for her is would she want to be around people that "humiliated" her?

Further, given that you might go, what are HER actions going to be toward this "friend"? She needs a plan as well as you.

I say go, show class, avoid this "friend", enjoy yourself and let your spouse protect YOU. It is her job.

See how she responds when you lay it on her.

God Bless,

JL

PS: You could if you are feeling a bet devilish, tell your W that if this "friend" spends anytime around you, you will express your feelings concerning her and the help she gave your W. That just might cause her to pay attention. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hi NG,

Would your W agree to NOT spend time with this person at the party?

IS your W concerned that she's invited people who THEN invited more people to a party? AS a host, that would bother me. I think it's rude that your W's guest invited someone your W NOR the host would have invited. The guest had no right to invite that person to a party they themselves were not directly invited to.

I mean, if the 2nd set of guest have to cancel if your W does not go, then that means they do not know the host. The person THEY invited certainly doesnt. That's all just rude.

I'd uninvite all of your W's friends and go - Dru

Well, W isn't interested in spending time with this person but I don't see how we'll avoid it. Her friends don't know anyone there so I assume we'll be hanging out together.

I wanted to find a way to un-invite the friends. I offered to call them myself and explain it but W got really mad at that. Called me "emotionally unstable".

I'm really disappointed with W's reaction...

so much so that you are going to reward her by going. It is the person that had the A that has caused instability and they need to recognize that when you choose the action... you choose the consequence.

Normal,

GEEZ here I am taking the side of a FWW. Go figure on that one. Never thought I would see the day. Someone mark this down for me.

From my sitch I think in many cases my FWW thinks I am trying to punish her for her A. I will not say I did but what I will say is I can understand that perception a little.

This may be what is happening in this case on her side. I understand your disappointment with the W but on the other side maybe she was really looking forward to this and it is out of her control this person is going to be there.

You have every right to your emotions. I feel that way about some of my FWW's friends.

You can actually use this event to discuss boundries that may not have been in place before. IE no going where that friend is.

You put a lot of time and effort in as did your W to go to this event. Can you maybe see why she would be disappointed? A new costume a M that is improving and a H she wants to be with.

Even though you can't avoid this person all together you don't have to engage her.

There is indeed instability her A has caused but on this one she is not in control of the guests.

Yup Frog, I agree with your take on this. Thanks for your input too. I just had lunch with her and I think this issue is resolved. I reenforced my boundary about this friend and the way she acted and insulted me and she apologized. She had also already called her friend and I think the "bad" friend is going to be uninvited (won't know until later). I agreed to go regardless. Then we just had a nice relaxed lunch and things feel pretty good again.

I used a lot of what I've learned here. Avoided LBs, used "I" statements, I did not escalate! :-) I need to get her on board with this stuff though, POJA, RH, etc would work so much better if both of us know about it and buy into it.

Good. I am glad it worked out.

Even if the bad friend is not uninvited you go and have a good time.

Remember you making it through this the way you have is the best revenge.

normal,

Glad to her she followed the route of a loving wife.

I would like to address frog's comment about revenge. This issue involves revenge only through the "friend's" perspective. No honorable person would have displayed the kind of morals we are discussing.

It is not revenge to point out a dog turd smells and to be adamant in avoiding stepping in it.

I attended a party for a friend of my FWW, knowing full well the OM may be invited too, because the OM was a "business associate" of the honoree for which the party was thrown. Well, the OM did show up, with his latest GF, and I intentionally made eye contact with him one time, letting him know to "stay clear". My FWW had agreed in advance not to even acknowledge his existance, and held up to her word.

It was a small victory for both of us. We reclaimed our public persona, stared the devil in his face, and both generally felt good about the encounter.

I suggest you go, with the agreement neither you or your FWS acknowledge the presence of the enabler... JMHO

SD

I am happy that worked out for you... but it is not advisable to most. NC means NC. Being in the same place as the OM is a dangerous thing for your M. JMHO.

Hey SD's - how are ya?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


I agree with what you said about looking the devil in the eye. Avoiding these people does not always work. SHE (loser friend) should be uncomfortable, not you! You stand up for yourself in an honorable and respectful way. What would you want to say to her in 5 sentences or less that let's her know that you will not tolerate her nonsense? Don't be harsh, just put her in her place. (Outside in the trash . . . shucks, that would be a DJ I guess!)

You know what I'm saying, stand your ground. Own your space. Be a man that will not be made to feel uncomfortable by some little . . . (oops, there I go again). Don't let her manipulate you.

Good luck if you go, have fun and don't drink too much.

S.

Hey S05... I see you are posting around a bit. Good for you. How are things going in your life?

SD