Ya know we are doing well, I still have my thoughts,I keep them to myself. But I need answers to which I know he had lied about all these years. I`m the type of person who can handle the truth no matter how bad. Today he noticed something was wrong. It was`nt the right time to bring anything up as the kids were here and Im sorta afraid to, but I need him to be truthful so this mind wondering will stop. I`m losing sleep again. He knows I love him and want to stay married to him,but he has a really hard time facing truth. I know I can`t keep going on like this.I don`t know how to really word this stuff to him without him getting up and walking away.

Can you write it out for him in a letter?

I know I would write out a list of questions and give them to my FWS and have him answer them. That way it kept me from getting off track and chasing rabbits.

I would send them to him ahead of time.

You might include a copy of Joseph's Letter as well.

I hope you get your answers.

There not really any new questions I had`nt asked a few months ago, a few years ago. The lies are just eating me up and HE knows I know hes lieing even with proof. I gave him Joseph's Letter months ago, heck he can`t even remember what he read so I had to reread it to him! I`ve thought of putting note in his lunch box but I would probally have to read that to him too.ARG!

Aptiva,

I'm in the same boat. I have the same questions that I ask, because I know I don't have the WHOLE answer yet.
I don't think I will ever have the whole answer. I'm up against a really strange difference in communication styles. I am the type who needs specific detail. FWH is the type who just doesn't communicate that way.

Example:

We both see a bedspread in a store.

His description: It is blue and red. Stripes. Maybe some sort of flower or something printed on it too, in beige.

My description: It has alternating navy and garnet stripes in the background. Overlaid across the top of the stripes is an angular pattern of opaque beige floral print, with flowers about the size of your palm. There are leaves which are shaped like a palm.......

You can see the detail I need, and what he is likely to offer me.

I will NEVER get from him what I need. He just doesn't communicate that way, and can't offer the kind of response I need to settle my brain. Does this mean he is covering up information? Not in the least. In his mind, he has told me "everything". And he has! But for my mind, the specificity isn't there. It is the differences in the way our minds work, that is really at issue here.

So what to do. I've come to the point where I realize that I must accept that what I know of the events is really what I am going to know. That perhaps, as time unfolds, details here and there might come out, as he relates them over time. That is more likely the way I will learn of the details, because he tells the story every now and then, in his way, and once in awhile he opens up a little window that he recalls or hasn't talked about yet. My questioning him isn't as likely to open up those recollections any more than his general talking to me about what happened. It seems like when he is more relaxed - when we are more relaxed - that he opens up a little and lets the little details out, and I learn them.

I don't know, but for me, and approaching a year from d-day, things are changing. I guess the time is coming for me to stop asking directly, and to accept that I cannot know EVERY detail, because I did not live them. In order to regain control, I have to let loose of some control. In setting myself free of the "details", I'm finding that my calmness is returning. That sounds counter-intuitive, but as I have done that, I feel better.

Maybe I'm learning to be a little bit more like him - a lttle more "general", and less "specific".

Coming from me, that is VERRRRYYYY hard for me to do!

SB

I been asking the same questions since 1992, he has never offered anything except no to everything until I had some proof to which he too denied that. MY H never wants to discuss anything anywhere, he an avoider and always has been
I this morning left him a note in his lunch box, he really didnt read it. I had to tell him what was in it. what he did was go the the last page of it and answer my questions to which was no and ****** no. I know I will never get any thruth from him. I`ve tried everything I can, it does`nt matter what he won`t budge.Being nice, calm, anything does`nt help.This shows me he has no remorse what soever.I told him today you probally won`t tell me till your on your deathbed and then it won`t matter. He did`nt say a word.